Sad Today

[wyogirl]

Hi all! It has been almost six weeks since dad died, and I'm feeling pretty sad. I have had my beautiful boy to keep me busy and laughing, but now the stress and sadness is starting to catch up with me. I have been dreaming about dad a lot lately. I dream that he is still sick, but hasn't passed away yet. Then I realize that he did pass away already, and I get so confused. Then I wake up to face another day without my dad. I know these awful feelings of sadness are normal and something that I need to work through. My friend says I need to just have a major 'meltdown' and let it all out (that hasn't happened yet). Maybe she's right, but I have no idea how to do that (plus I have a little baby who needs mom to keep it together!) I haven't been talking about my grief with anyone because I feel like I need to keep it together and remain firmly in the 'land of the living,' not bring people down with my feelings. It feels good to be getting all of this out. Sorry for the venting session, but thanks for being there.

Hugs for all,

[hollyanne]

Laura -

Of course you are sad! I found that I kept myself so busy so I wouldn't think about it (and had a newborn to deal with as well) -- Yet, let yourself break down - now, I do once or twice every day and then I move on. I am sure the void is huge especially after having lived with his treatments every day for a long time. Feel sad, it is terribly sad -- but also feel thankful that you were there for both your mom and dad. For me, some days are much better and some days are terrible - it has been three months since I lost my mom, my best friend.

Love to you,

Holly

[Ann]

Laura, I'm so sorry that you're having a bad day. Please know that the way you are feeling is to be expected and is completely normal. I think your friend is right about the major meltdown. It sounds as if you've been holding everything together for everyone else and while taking their feelings and emotions into consideration, you have probably put yours on hold. I also agree that you need to talk about your loss. After I lost my husband, I talked about him to everyone that would listen. Usually, people won't bring your dad's death up to you because they may fear it will upset you to talk about it. Holding all of these emotions inside is not a good thing. I know you have a lot of responsibility right now with that beautiful baby but please make some time for yourself. You will probably find that even some of the smallest things may help you to release. Sometimes, it's just hearing a song on the radio that gets my tears flowing overtime. I always really do feel better after a long cry. Plus...we're all here to listen. Freinds are a lot better than shrinks...because we're free!!!

[shelliemacs]

I dont know how to make your self have the meltdown to start to heal. I think it just happens one day. I had to hole it together after my mom died, because my dad completely fell apart with grief. Then dad got LC 3 months later and died 6 months after that. Then my sister was dx'd with cancer the day we burried dad and i had to help her with that. So my breakdown came almost 1 and 1/2 years after moms death and then 8 months after dads death when my sisters chemo was done.

I fell completely apart. wanted to die. even wrote the suicide note. then one day got 1/1 millionith better and then another day got 3/1 millionith better and now I am better.

it will be three years this august for mom and 2 years in june for dad.

healing is on its own schedule. it takes as much time as it wants. I still miss mom and dad like crazy and still cry at the cemetary. But I am now living in mom and dads house and thats very comforting.

[adela]

I have purchased some grieving books recommended by a hospice and they are quite good. The Courage to Grieve is good(hope that is the title) Take some time out of your day to grieve. Mine is at night when everything is quiet. I put on the oldies Ed and I listened to each night while we held hands and just grieved, sometimes it is with tears other times it is laughter and other times it is anger.

Take Care

Adela

[Carleen]

Karen,

It is so hard to deal with the loss of someone you loved so much and was such a huge part of your life. I agree with your friend that keeping it locked inside is not good. Not only for your mental state by your physical well being as well. It is a researched and proven fact that holding stress inside causes many health issues, and you need to stay healthy for that beautiful baby boy and for your mom and family. I also understand your reluctance to talk to others about your feelings because you don't want to add to someone else's pain. I think a true friend will want to be there to help you no matter how many boxes of kleenex it takes. I also highly recommend getting your feelings out on paper. Buy a journal and keep a daily writing of what you are feeling, memories you have of your dad, dreams you remember, nightmares you'd like to forget, anger you feel, everything. Just get it all out. A lot of times just getting the feelings out and on paper will help. As time goes on, and things get more tolerable you will see that the pain expressed in the journal will be replaced with more happy and cherished memories. And maybe someday when you are ready, you can rip out those pages of painful feelings and burn them. Rid yourself of them forever.

I pray for you and your mom every day. You are in my heart and thoughts and prayers.

[Treebywater]

One day I remember particularly out of these last few months of my grieving was a morning when I woke up too a terrible nightmare where my Mom was sick and I couldn't help her....

I woke up and went through the, "It wasn't real" exercises only to find out--no Mom wasn't sick, she was dead. And it crushed me. I couldn't stand the thought that my NIGHTMARE was worse than my reality.

I'm sorry things hurt so badly right now. It is just so hard. You aren't alone in it.

[ErinC1973]

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. Holly told me awhile back that there are quite a few of us all here in the same boat; women who have lost their parent and just had a baby. I have a 7 week old and lost my mom 10 weeks ago. I feel as though I never really had time to grieve and am waiting for the "axe to fall," so to speak. I was supposed to deliver 2 weeks after my mom died and begged my doctor to let me go another week to get my head together and allow myself to grieve. Well, I did, but now I swear I am numb again.

Whatever happens, know that the things you experience, no matter how confusing at the time, are not abnormal. I am sure you have heard that people grieve in different ways. Don't ket anyone tell you when it's time to move on or HOW to grieve. Of course you have a baby who depends on you. I think this place, even though we are all in cyberspace, is a good place to start. And Carleen's suggestion to begin a journal is an excellent idea. My mom began a journal back in April last year when she began her traditional chemo. It originally started as just a notebook she wrote her temps in, and then she began to write more and more each day. There are only a few pages, but I cherish them. I wrote my mom a 20-plus page letter which I put in with her for her eyes only, and it was SO helpful to me. I wrote till my hand was numb. My hand hurt for days afterwards. And I promised her I would start a journal also, and I did. Now, I am more active on these boards than I ever was when my mom was alive, but it helps so much to come here and offer insight to others, to express myself in this forum where I know others will understand every word I type.

I had those SAME dreams about other family members who have passed and I STILL have them as a matter of fact. With my mom, at this point I still have "normal" dreams that she is alive and well, although these dreams are limited. I believe my brain is trying to protect me right now by not dreaming about her too often. My dad died of LC in 1999 and I had haunting dreams of him sick in the hospital for a long time. It's another part of the grieving process, believe me. I swear some days I have dreams which are so real they affect me for the rest of the day. If you don't have anyone in real life who you can talk to about your feelings and validate them, come here. I know a lot of people recommend counseling. I went to a counselor years ago when my grandma died. I am not too sure it did much for me. At this point if I ever needed someone again I would try someone who specializes in grief--I am not closed-minded completely to the idea--but I am not there yet. I have said it a million times on here, and I will say it again: I had very definite ideas of the roles I wanted the people in my life to play, and made it clear to them early on. My best friend wanted to be the one whose shoulder I cried on, but I told her I wanted her to be the one who took my mind off of thisgs instead, telling jokes, whatever. I told my husband HE was going to be the shoulder for me. And he has really done a great job. My aunt (my mom's sister) recently told my uncle that she feels as though she is the one who needs to "hold me up," because I have a family who is depending on me and I can't get depressed. I have four year old twins and a 7 week old baby. So she babysits when needed, she calls me nearly every day or comes over, she goes with me to the cemetery, she "fills in the cracks" so to speak. She can never fill my mom's shoes, but she does little things to let me know she is there for me. I am very grateful for thse people in my life. All of these things make it just a bit easier to deal with day-to-day life. But I have to admit, I have found it VERY helpful to be here. It's like I've found a nice safe place which makes me comfortable, and I'm all about protecting myself these days. I decided long ago to eliminate the toxic people from my life, if only temporarily, also. Those who have opinions about how I need to be doing things who have no real idea what they are talking about. A "friend" I hadn't seen in while called me right before I delivered (I was on total bedrest for 5 months of my pregnancy) and started talking about herself, as always. When she finally got around to asking about how I was doing, I told her my mom had died. She said, "oh, yeah, we had to have Sharkey put down. I know how it is." Sharkey was their DOG. I quickly told her I had to go and never spoke to her again. I am shocked and dismayed someone could be this way. But it was just an insication to me that I needed to move on. And I have, and I haven't looked back.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that at this point, wounds are raw, and just as they may seem to begin to heal over someone may come along and rip them open again. I was seriously afraid to go out in public for a long time after my mom died because I knew it was a cold, cruel world out there and not too many people would care that I had just lost her. They would go on cutting you off on the expressway if you drove too slow, giving you dirty looks at the grocery store if you had too many items in your cart, calling you if a bill was past due. So you need to do what ever it is that makes you most comfortable to take care of YOU. People around you need to understand. All of us here do, that's for sure. If something doesn't feel right to you, go with that feeling and don't look back. I see my baby as a gift from my mom. I saw my twins as a gift from my grandparents. Their middle names are my frandparent's names. My new son Ian has the name my mom picked out. Your baby will show you signs of your dad EVERY DAY. Babies are resillient; they are happy for any attention you give to them and always know Mom cares and is there. It's all going to be okay. It really will.

[wyogirl]

Erin and all.....

Thank you so much for the kindness of your words. It is so good to be reminded that I'm not alone in this (too bad any of us have to be here). Any time I can be the listener, please let me know!

Love to all,

[Maryanne]

Hi Laura,

The pain of losing a parent is immense, especially when you were so close with them.

We all grieve in our own time. When my mom passed last June I did not cry at the funeral and I felt guilty. I was her care giver for years and how could I not cry? Then one day, months later out the blue I just needed her wisdom as I was having some issues. It just came in floods. I felt so much better afterwards. Now I cry at different intervals but it is so much easier now.

You cannot make yourself grieve but you will grieve and it will get better in time.

I keep my moms smiling picture on my bulletin board above my computer so I can see her smiling down at me. I miss her physical being and touching and feeling her beautiful face.

Peace be with you, Laura. We are always her for you and so many have walked in your shoes.

Maryanne

[adela]

Everyone grieves differently, you may have a major meltdown someday. Just realize this grieving is hard work and takes a lot out of you.

Take care of yourself.

Adela

[ztweb]

Laura,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Eternal rest be granted unto him oh Lord, and may Your perpetual light shine upon him always.

Laura, I know what it is like to be a mom and feel you need to "keep it together" all the time. I also believe though, that you need to care for yourself so that your children get your best care, and you can't care for others unless you are whole. Your son most certainly senses your stress, even if he doesn't know about it.

This site is excellent. Find a friend, see a counselor, and don't be at all afraid to take care of yourself through this. I don't know if you are the praying type, but if you are that helps too. If you want to PM me just to cry, please do so...I am always here (my husband says I am addicted to this site!). That way you can unload on someone you don't even know!!

Bless you and keep you and take care of you!