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Faith Issues


Remembering Dave

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Ok, both Faith and I have been in therapy for all of the last year - and before - separate therapists, but they talk to each other (Faith goes to a wonderful lady who does play therapy). I wish mine did play therapy LOL.

Anyway, you wouldn't believe the people who tell me that Faith shouldn't have issues, that what she's gone through isn't any different than a kid who's never had a father. For one, a good friend of mine who adopted a baby from China, as a single person - "Jane is fine and she's never had a daddy." PLEASE. Tell me that watching your beloved daddy suffer, throw rage fits in front of you, and then die (not in front of her, but she's still trying to figure out how it works), is THE SAME AS NEVER HAVING A DADDY? Now, Faith is having issues at daycare AGAIN. They moved her class up from Pre-K to "after school" which, for the summer, is a fricking free for all, and they went COLD TURKEY WITH NO NAP. Faith absolutely needs a nap. If she doesn't get one, she becomes a denom in the late afternoon. So they are running them ragged and with no nap and guess what? she's acting out. So I'm going 'round and 'round and 'round with them over this. They tell me she's the only one acting up. I find this hard to believe, as when I go to pick her up, she and three or four other kids are sitting on the floor bawling while the rest of 'em are running around like crazy people. I said, she's not like the rest of them, she's still dealing with issues other kids don't have. Oh, they said, she's no different then kids who don't have a daddy at all and we have plenty of them. WHAT???? Yesterday was the worst day with them, and we also happened to have an appt. with her therapist. I sat down, bawling, with all my frustration, and she said, your instincts on your kid are correct. If she needs a nap, she needs a nap. Yes, she is very different from other children, she's experienced a heck of a lot of loss in her life, let's start with abandonment near birth, a year in an orphange, having her daddy die and then her beloved BooBooMomMom. The good thing is the therapist told me she has seen a VAST improvement in both Faith and I in the last year, for the better, and I will tell you that at home and on trips now Faith is a complete angel. and sometimes I run her ragged on the weekends but she doesn't turn into a denom anymore. so it's daycare's fault and their problem, but for some reason they want me to make her the perfect child at the same time they're doing their best to ruin her. impossible.

How in the world can anyone look at my kid and say she's no different than the rest of the kids?

I'm going to pull her out of that daycare, I think, before school starts, I have a plan but need a little time to enact it - but I'm just so frustrated for the time being.

I have one friend - one - who really "gets" Faith and he lives 500 miles away, but I don't have to beat things into his head about her. He gets it, and he really appreciates her unique personality. She's a really different kind of kid, very bright, very clever, a creative bent in a weird way. Why can't everyone "get" her? and why can't everyone understand that she's been through so much in her little life?

geez. it's just so frustrating.

I just needed to vent.

Karen

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Karen,

Bless your heart...and Faith's too. I am so, so sorry that this is happening. People can be so crass. People don't really understand all that cancer does, and I wish so much they did as then they could understand just a millimeter of what it feels like to be hit by the cancer wave.

Faith has a strong Mom and a good support system. God bless you!

Oh Yeah...don't ever feel bad for venting here!

Jen

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I had the same issues with my son. He was 5 when his grandpa died and he basically "lived" at my parents house everyday while I was in my last year of college, so when my dad got sick it was so hard on him- everything changed, life was sad and uncertain--when he died Hunter became very introverted (but no problems) and then slowly but surly his problems in dealing with this loss came out in bits later the next year and a half or more.

You "know" your kid. Statistically, kids actually act "better" around caregivers and teachers than they do with their own parents (they know where our buttons are! LOL) SO, if the opposite is happening here, there is definitely a problem!!

I had several meetings with his teacher to try and teach HER about him, his personality and what was going on with him emotionally. I tried to educate HER on how I handled his emotions and what to look for and how to react. She wouldn't take the time to really listen or help. Now, I knew she was busy with 22 other 2nd graders, but alittle extra attention to him would have saved ALOT of extra attention when he acted out or did something wrong/bad.

A long meeting with the principal and a list of what that teacher was failing to do was a big success for us.

If talking to those people isn't helping, then I agree you absolutely need to switch daycares.

I am a firm believer in schedules, routines and naps for children. It makes them feel secure and children are more productive when they are rested (well fed and have something to do!) .

Maybe you can find a daycare that still has nap time or quiet time, and provides nutritional afternoon snacks. I'd look for one with a low child to teacher ratio so Faith would have more one-to-one attention as well.

She is finding her way in this new life you both are building and needs all the encouragement and support she can get along the way from her teachers/caregivers. It is frustrating, but keep doing what you're doing. You know your child.

Let us know how it goes!!

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(((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))

What is the matter with these people? How can they not understand and be sympathetic for what this child has gone through in her little life? She has survived more than many adults could ever cope with! People that can't understand the fact that different children have different needs are in the wrong profession! Since when is taking a nap a bad thing for anyone? Heck, I think I would function much better myself if given the opportunity to take a short nap during the day. I hope you find a new day care as soon as possible and I hope the staff has the ability to understand our wonderful little Faith. Indeed, she is a very special little girl and anyone that can't "get that" has a lot to learn about children and how they are affected by life changes!!! I am so glad that you and Faith have been doing well in therapy. You have both been through so much and I know how lost you were. Please know that we're always here to listen!!!

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Ok... I'm first in line to smack these people upside the head and hand them a 'quit being dumb' card (They deserve much, much stronger language than that).

Karen, I read this post and I just got so angry... Why would ANYONE say something so heartless and to think that you said 'people' plurral are saying these things...

Good for you for switching daycares. OF COURSE this is different from just not having a father..... It's incredibly different. It's ten-times more heartrending, and much harder for a little girl to understand... And Faith has been through so much more than just that... Don't they get that????

You are doing a good job. Faith is acting in a way that any child should be expected to after all the loss and transition she has faced in her little life. In fact she's probably far more emotionally healthy than any of these idiots because she IS reacting to everything that's happened.

Karen, I am just so angry for you! Keep us posted on how this works out, and you have my permission to give these morons hell! ;)

(((((Karen))))) ((((((Faith)))))

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Karen,

I have been such an awful person, I have not kept in touch with you like I wanted to. No excuse for it, sometimes I just don't know where the months ago.

I dont have any children experience, but I would think Faith would have more issues. My understanding in researching adoptions are that the children can have abandonment feelings at an early age and then dealing with a death, it is more than any little girl should have to handle.

I admire your strength, you are doing a great job

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People do not realize how much very young children are traumatized by things in their life. I get it Karen. When we adopted our son he was only 9 months old-- but he knew he was being taken away from his Korean family. He knew and he felt it. When we met his plane in Chicago the woman traveling with him told me he cried for 12 hours. She looked at me and she said, "you know he's older than the other babies and I think he understands that he is being moved again." Children do not get close to someone and bond with them and then just recover the minute they are gone. We had issues for a very long time with Tyler, and you will have them for a long time with Faith. I am so glad you're switching her day care-- hang in there. Glad you checked in.

Rochelle

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Karen,

As a mother of young children, not as young as Faith ( they are 8 and 11) and for her teachers to be treating her and you the way that they have is appalling! No body who deals w/ children no matter how easy or difficult should not be disrespectful, especially with what you and her have experienced.

If anything they should be educating themselves further as to how they should be around Faith. And yes as you have said she has had too much for a little girl that is just not fair! and btw, if you're paying for their "services" they are working for YOU! and not the other way around!

Even if you have definitely decided to change day care centers you definitely have to let these people know of their unprofessional and uncompassionate "caring" they provided Faith.

Please be strong, unfortunately there are people around you that don't understand how you feel, they only view it from their perspective and they haven't been thru what you have, so they are the people you don't want to pay attention to!

Hang in there, I know in time things have a way of working out for the best!

Grace

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Ok, update. Faith's therapist called them yesterday with my blessing. she reported to me that she, too, went 'round and 'round and 'round with the director, and it was frustrating. no wonder you were crying, she said!! she said the woman outright contradicted herself several times. she said to her "what is wrong with letting Faith go into the pre-K room at naptime and sleep" response: "because that is giving in to her". Therapist: "giving in to HER or to her mother"? See, the whole thing is a power struggle between me and them. she outright refused to the therapist, but when I got there yesterday Faith had gotten her nap! I was told by the preK teacher that Faith took a good nap and was a complete angel. SCORE ONE FOR THE THERAPIST.

Now, I will tell you that this daycare has an AWESOME preK program. two full time teachers, very structured day, and Faith learned so much in there. she Loves those teachers. but now the "afterschool" program is a disaster.

I put a contract on a townhouse (yes, one year after moving to a new house) and it won't be built until next May. But Faith will start kindergarten in one school and then when we move first grade in a different one. so I called the school board and they said she could start at the new one and not make a switch - something the therapist said would be bad for Faith at this point. this daycare doesn't pick up from the new school so I will need to find a new daycare for her, and it will be better to do that now so she can make friends going to her new school. my realtor is a good friend and her little boy goes to that school and goes to a good after school/summer program so I may enroll her there if I can and she'll have an older friend to keep an eye on her. we'll see, I need to do my homework and interview different ones and make sure this will be a good fit for her (and that she can get some rest LOL).

another thing. this daycare took Faith's group to LASER TAG on Monday. 4, 5 and 6 year olds with laser guns shooting at each other in the dark? does this make any sense? is this an indication of how they have NO CLUE what is best for this age? when I picked Faith up that day she was bawling and saying that people kept shooting her but she didn't shoot because it was mean. geez.

OK, thanks for your help everyone. Katie, thanks for sharing your experience. Ry, interesting stuff on your son. one thing with Faith, she never had any attachment or bonding issues with us, at 14 months. she took right to us, even Dave, and alot of the babies in our travel group would have nothing to do with the dads. alot of the babies knew what was going on and didn't like it one bit. we had two who were obviously very angry. but not Faith. she had a twinkle in her eye, I think she took one look at the skinnny nannies from the orphanage, one look at the nice well fed americans about to take her, and made her decision, I'm going with THEM! she and Dave were ALWAYS very close and that makes it all the harder for her to lose him. which reminds me, I had to force Dave's hand to do the adoption, I basically delivered him an ultimatum to make him just CONSIDER it, but once he decided to do it he never looked back, and after we got Faith he literally would tell people about the process and would make it sound like the whole thing was his idea! his stubbornness could be maddening but also endearing because it was one thing that kept him strong and fighting for his life to the very end.

ok, more rambling from me. thanks for listening!

God Bless,

Karen

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Karen,

I'm glad I read all the way down to your "update". Based on Faith's needs, the work you and the therapist are doing, how she is at home and all she has been through you are doing the right things. You know her and "get her and that comment from the director about "giving into her" is so out of line. If you know she still needs a nap and that helps her handle the rest of the day that is using common sense and doing the best for the child.

I think you are handling the situation very well and your plans to move out of that day care are for the best ... for Faith. I was wondering if you can find a home day care where the numbers of children would be smaller and Faith could still take a nap if she needed. If you have a child care resource center in your area (CCRC) they would have a list of liscenced homes to check out. Just as you would for a center, you interview and make sure that your "gut feeling" is really comfortable. Just a thought.

Great to hear from you ... I think of you often and wish you well.

Karen

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Karen - I can relate to much of what you are experiencing. I (as a single parent) adopted my son from Russia when he was 14 mos. old. I remember very vividly returning to work fulltime one month after returning from Russia. I put my son in a daycare and he cried for several weeks when I left him in the morning. I cannot imagine how affected he would have been if I had disappeared from his life altogether. You are so right - losing a parent is very different than not having one to begin with.

Regarding daycare - you do need to follow your instincts. When my son entered 1st grade, his teacher, overwhelmed by a class of 30 some kids, could not and would not give my son the attention and help that he needed (which puzzled me as this was a private school). We ended up switching schools a few months into the school year. It was a bit of a transition, but one of the best decisions I have made. We found a place where the teachers were more nuturing and concerned about the kids. He is flourishing.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason (although I truly cannot figure out the reason behind cancer and other serious illnesses). My son and I are together because that was meant to be. He is in a great place now with school. I am glad that I made the changes I needed to make. You have a plan, and it sounds like a good plan. Follow your instincts and you will end up where you are suppose to be.

Lynn

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thanks everyone, Lynn, nice to meet you! another adoptor on the board - excellent! thanks for sharing your experience.

The other Karen: I really hadn't even thought of an after school place in a private home. that might be a good idea. I'll have to look into that. I have a few issues with that, one being, when the caregiver needs to take off, is sick, etc., then you're stuck. at least with a daycare center that's not an issue. as a single mom with no one to help me in situations like this (unless it'a day my Dad isn't doing anything else and he WANTS to, ha) I need 100% reliability. I also think the socialization for her is important as an only child although I know there would be other children at a caregiver's house. I think I'll investigate that, but it would have to be a home that was on the bus route for that elementary school, which limits my choices, too.

The ONLY time I ever cry over Dave, is when I think about Faith losing her daddy. I can deal with the loss, I can intellectualize it, I KNOW Dave is in heaven, when he died I literally felt his spirit lift and I take comfort in that, but when it comes to Faith, I can't stand the thought.

When things like this happens, it only strengthens my resolve to be the best mom I can be and to always be there for Faith. period.

Today after work I'm picking Faith up and we're going to the after school place my friend's kid goes to. It's a martial arts place. They serve no sugar or sugary drinks, they have homework time and martial arts lessons every day and in the summer they have a field trip two or three times a week - no laser tag or chuckie cheese - parks, museums and places like the newspaper production plant.

ok, again, thanks for listening.

and yes, thank you, I know Dave is proud of what I'm doing as a mom. He gives me strength.

Karen

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You are a mother and you know what is best, and you are doing a fantastic job in the way you are bringing her up.

I am confident that whatever you decide to do will be what is right.

Don't stress over ingnorant people. Feel sorry for them as they are not happy people.

Have a great holiday,

Maryanne :wink:

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  • 2 weeks later...

The martial arts place turned out to NOT be licensed, and there's no playground, but I checked out a rather large daycare center across the street - they still give the kids naps through the summer - which is what Faith needs right now - almost all of the after school kids there go to her new elementary school, AND, for the after school program, they are divided up into grades - kindergarten is in one room, 1st grade in another, etc. Most of the daycare centers I'm familiar with lump them together like K, 1st & 2nd grades in one room, 3rd, 4th 5th in another room. They have a homework table in each room and in another corner little sofas and chairs for curling up with a book. So I'm starting her there next week.

I sort of hate creating another transition for her and she does have one good friend at daycare now (but who has to move daycares soon anyway because this daycare doesn't pick up from her kindergarten) but I've decided to write the mom a note (we've talked a few times) with our contact information and maybe we can get together. her husband works out of town during the week so she said she and the two kids go out to eat alot during the week - maybe we can get together like that.

So hopefully things are falling in place for us.

Faith starts swimming lessons this evening. This stupid daycare was taking them on a field trip today TO CHUCKIE CHEESE - PLEEEEZZEE. I'm really worried that she'll be worn out and overstimulated and not do well for swimming. wish me luck - wish her luck!

Karen

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