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Guest katie

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So this is an odd feeling. I am so numb...but by the time the wake/funeral and the last of the relatives arrive I will be in pieces all over again. I've (me & Rick) have taken care of everything. How odd it is that my family is so big...yet no one other than me can do anything.

It is also odd that I no longer have a father. I am numb. Everytime some one talks to me there is an echo in my mind that says (my dad's dead) "hello, may I help you today"....."yes" (my dad's dead) reverberates in my head....

"Katie. want me to take out the trash?" "yes" (my dad's dead)

"Are you hungry?", "no, not really." (my dad's dead)

It's like I am walking in a dream.

Sorry to post...........................I don't know what I am doing right now.

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So this is an odd feeling. I am so numb...but by the time the wake/funeral and the last of the relatives arrive I will be in pieces all over again. I've (me & Rick) have taken care of everything. How odd it is that my family is so big...yet no one other than me can do anything.

It is also odd that I no longer have a father. I am numb. Everytime some one talks to me there is an echo in my mind that says (my dad's dead) "hello, may I help you today"....."yes" (my dad's dead) reverberates in my head....

"Katie. want me to take out the trash?" "yes" (my dad's dead)

"Are you hungry?", "no, not really." (my dad's dead)

It's like I am walking in a dream.

Sorry to post...........................I don't know what I am doing right now.

Dear Katie,

I know the feeling is odd but your behavior is normal. It's like he have to keep telling ourselves because it seems so unreal. I even told strangers at the grocery store that my mom had just died. I think that saying it either in our mind or out loud helps to make it seem more real. I personally think it is shock. You will get though this and I think it is helpful to wite down your feelings you are feeling right now. You may want to recall this time later on and if you are like me it will be quite a blur very soon.

I am continueing to keep you and your family in my prayers.

I Love You Katie, Shelly

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The day after my father in law died, we returned to the hospital to retrieve his "personal items". I remember walking around in a daze, amazed that people were doing normal things when our lives were upside down.

I hadn't remembered that until you mentioned it.

I think it's the shock/denial part of grieving. Go with it. My favorite line from the Pilot's Wife:

"You have to go through the pain to get to the other side."

Can't go around it, can't go over it, can't skip it.

My blessings to you during this terrible time.

I promise to you I will be kind to others today.

gail

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Katie, What you feel is normal, you hear him yet he does not speak. We all hear them but they do not speak. You will need to talk, and scream and cry to what your emotions tell you for the moment. Your Dad is with you at your side now forever. He will never leave you. As hard as it may seem, that was all I had to get me through my mother's death. Those days, not even 2 months ago, are a blur and there are many now that are the same way. When I see and talk to my Dad, my heart aches for what he is bearing, and I realize I must be strong. You will feel this with your Mom everytime you look into her eyes. :( That is trurly hard. My prayers are with you to give you stenght and peace in your broken heart.

Dona

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Katie;

I remember feeling exactly the same way after my dad passed away. For the longest time, everything I did, everywhere I went, everyone I saw, there was always something there that reminded me of my dad. There were times when I could swear I saw him on the street or in stores but obviously it was always someone that looked like him. I was just numb & dazed for the longest time, it always amazed me how the rest of the world could just keep going on around me after he died, I'm not sure what I expected to happen but it definitly wasn't that. I was in my own world for the longest time....so weird, so different. As impossible as it seems right now, you do get through it, its tough, but you will get through this, just take 1 day at a time and hang in there. My heart goes out to you....Take care

Chris

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Dear Katie

I know what you are going through. When my only brother died many years ago from Colon cancer I had to talk about it to everyone I saw. I know at the time I drove my friends and family crazy because it seemed like that was all I wanted to talk about, but I also believe it is the only thing that got me through the greiving process. I was the type that needed to verbalize about his death and I did. I had a very difficult time with his death and went through many strange things, there were just the two os us, no other siblings, I used to look for him where ever I went, thought I saw someone who looked like him, etc. I never dreamt about him until about a year had passed and he appeared to me in a dream, he came to my house to visit me in the dream and came inside and sat in my living room and told me he was fine and doing well, there was a limousine waiting outside for him and when he said it was time to go I asked if I could go with him and he said "no, its not your time yet, you can't come now" and then he left. That dream brought me some peace, it was almost his way of telling me he was okay and not to worry anymore.

Please always know that you have many friends here to talk to anytime you want, we are here for you as you have been here for us.

Love

Bess B

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I know exactly how you are feeling. Its the strangest thing that you put it into words but even after Hugh was diagnosed I had (and still have) that same feeling. It just echos in my mind (Hugh has cancer) everyday at the end of every sentence I utter.

I also have walked in your footsteps a few times (Mother, Father, step-son) and what everyone says is correct: Time heals. Along with the love of your family and your faith. It doesn't seem right now that the pain will every dull, but in time you will remember your wonderful Dad and you will realize that you are actually smiling about a memory instead of crying. I still miss my parents and wish often that I could have them back - that never goes away. My sons, who never met their grandfather speak often of him referring to him as Grandpa and asking me to tell them a story again of something he did or asking if Grandpa ever did this or that. Somehow it helps me feel better that even now after 35 years my children somehow "remember" a grandfather they never even met and know that he was a wonderful man.

You will get through this Katie, you are a strong woman and a loving daughter. You will get through this because of that and because you know your Dad would have wanted nothing less.

I am saying extra prayers for you and thinking of you.

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Just wanted to write and let you know that I can relate on the big family thing and yet my husband and I always do things for my Dad virtually on our own. I would not have any less part in my Dad's treatment anyway, and I know you would not have it any other way with your Dad either. :lol: We both seem to be the strong ones in our families. Just know that, as he was in life, your Dad is soo proud of how your are still "handling" things for him in your special way. Hang in there Katie, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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I know your feeling. I lost my dad in 1996 to sudden massive heart attack. God Damn cigarettes.

Those of us that have lost our fathers now know something the rest of the world doesn't. And it's one of the scariest things I have ever realized, but have adjusted nicely to, I think.

It's something "they" never tell you, becuase it can't be put into words and you will never know it until the second Dad is gone.

The closest way to descibe it is that you realize "You are the adult now".

I am not sure if this translates when losing your mother, there is something about Dads I think that triggers this.

Daddy has always been there to protect us and to bail our asses out when we did something stupid, and to repair all the damage too.

Selfishly enough, the moment I missed my Dad the most was when I was Dxed with this ugly thing. And oddly enough, I am so glad he isn't here to have had to shared this with me. It's something he can't fix, and I know it would have torn him to bits.

In time you will learn to enjoy and appreciate this new phase of your life, the one without the protecter. You will revel in your own strength. And I know you have much of it, thats what HE gave you.

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All the others have said was true for me as well. Like you, I had time to spend with my Dad before he died. He was prepared and so were we, and I thank God for that.

I thought being prepared would temper the pain, but it didn't. I foolishly thought my nursing education, my understanding of grieving, would help - of course it didn't. This isn't an intellectual process - it is emotional. And those emotions must be tended to.

I felt like the whole darn world should have stopped turning, and it was so disrespectful that it didn't! How could I go to the store, do the laundry, pay the bills, when MY DAD WAS DEAD! It was surreal.

And those little things that made me break down. When the Cleveland Indians lost the world series in October of '97, I knew it was Dad's last series, and I just wept and wept that his team lost. This was before he died, but it just crept up on me out of nowhere.

So, dear Katie, the pain, the unreality, you are experiencing is normal. In time, it will improve. But for now, those emotions need your attention. Be kind to yourself.

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Two nights before my father died, February 1995, I stopped at the hospital late in the evening, after normal visiting hours. The nurse recognized me and said to go on in his room. He was asleep and I pulled a chair up next to the bed, and took his free hand in mine. Here were two old fishermen, alone and quiet just like it always was on the lake, the only difference this was a hospital room. My Dad woke briefly, squeezed my hand and said, "I love you David". and went back to sleep. Those were the spoken words that evening, but we talked for hours, for it was after midnight when I got home. Two nights later we said our final good bye. Only those of us who have lost a father understand this story.

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Guest Cheryl Schaefer

I really do think God watches out over us with regards to the grieving process. There is the time lag between a passing and grief. The first stage is dealing with arrangements, relatives, friends, etc., etc. We don't have a chance to actually react to our feelings and emotions as we are so busy with "the details". The details keep us occupied so we don't have a chance to do anything but keep it together. It will be those quiet times, when things are slower, that we can be sad, grieve, remember and reflect. Those start to begin to be special times. The sadness turns to reflection and memories. While nothing can replace our loss, time does have a healing process with how grief is managed. My father passed away almost ten years ago. I think of him fondly each and every day. I miss him. I talk to him. We do, however, find a way to get back to our life. I hope, Kathie, that you're kept very, very busy these next few weeks. Then, when you have the time, grieve and feel justified and good about doing so.

Cheryl

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