Feeling sorry for myself

[meredith]

Today I've had a bad day emotionally, really just out of the blue. Most days I manage just fine and I rarely cry, but today all of these emotions just hit me and I started to get sad, angry and anxious. I guess it's a "Why me?" day.

I spent the day with my 6 year old niece whom I love dearly. She's a wonderful child, and every time I looked at her today I was reminded of something I can't ever have: a child of my own. Looking at her, I also realized that I might not see her grow up.

Feelings of death overwhelmed me today. I'm tired of being scared of the cancer coming back and scared of dying. I try to be proactive by doing research on my condition, but the statistics are frightening and depressing. Words like "rapidly fatal" and "very poor prognosis" wear a person down. But if I want to continue researching, I have to read the bad too. Can I ever leave the cancer behind? I'm 10 months out of treatment, but I still have daily reminders of it--neuropathy for example.

I'm often scared to plan anything long term because I'm afraid the cancer will return, I'll have to endure more treatment and be disappointed that I can't carry out the plans I made. I still make plans, but there is always that cloud over me.

Don't get me wrong--I am grateful for NED. I am/was stage 3B, and I feel I've come a long way. But it's sometimes still so hard.

Anyway, this post is just rambling. I'm putting it in this section because I am grieving for myself (or perhaps feeling sorry for myself). I don't know what I need. Maybe help just trying to stay brave, strong and sane. What do you all do to get through rough days?

Thanks guys.

[RandyW]

Meredith Do you want to know what I do on bad days? I scream, Curse, Cry, rage and pray for a better day tomorrow. There are good and Bad days for everyone here. Different Kinds of Bad though.Teh good ones are all the same Though.I kind of understand your feelings but froma SLIGHTLY DIFFERNT POINT OF VIEW. You do what you wnat when you want and PRay that tomorrow is a better day than today. Sending PRayers For better Days ahead. That is why this is a rollercoaster ride as we all say.

[MsC1210]

Hi Meredith

I am so sorry you are down. I think those days do come with the territory, for us all when cancer has invaded our lives. I was talking with a friend last night and she made the comment that once you have been touched by this nightmare it just becomes a part of your life, there is just no getting away from it. I think she is right.

I have days from hell, not quite in the way you are having, but days where I cannot deal with anything. I cry, and scream and feel so blue. Days like that suck, but I do believe they help in the long run somehow. Allow yourself time to grieve, you are entitled to that and do not let ANYONE tell you differently. Be kind to yourself but know that tomorrow is a whole new day and you have beaten this beast. Knowledge is power and learning all you can about this disease makes it easier for you to make informed choices in the future, should that need arise and I pray it never will. Just remember you are an individual, a person and not a number or statistic. Ignore those numbers!

PM me anytime if you want to talk. And know that you are in my thoughts and prayers,

Big hugs to you,

Chris

[Kasey]

Hi Meredith,

I am grateful for NED as well. However I do understand your feelings exactly. Sometimes I feel ashamed or guilty, even, that I entertain such thoughts when so many are never afforded the opportunity to even hear the word NED. At those times I just must talk to myself and get over it.

But for you...........I do believe it is much harder. Your are so young and perhaps grieving over the thought of never having children. That is a heavy bag to carry. Folks will tell you to count blessings. I am sure you do that. I also believe there are some days you just gotta feel a bit sorry for yourself. As long as you don't stay there very long, I believe it's probably pretty healthy to do that.

Hope knowing that others share your exact thoughts is somewhat of a comfort, Meredith. No one understands like we do here. Now take a deep breath, get those shoulders back, and get ready to greet this day!

Kasey

[gail]

Your post touched a nerve inside of me. My first dx was when I had a 7 year old. I was terrified I would not see him grow up.

My second dx he was 12. I was terrified I would die just as he was crossing the road into teenage years.

He was 15 with the lung dx. I was terrified I would not see him graduate from high school. He did, and is now halfway through his college years.

What got me through was the therapy I have been doing since the lung dx. She is a specialist dealing with women's cancers and I spent a lot of time crying in her office. She made me verbalize my fears and showed me ways to work through them. Along with the antidepressents, life started to move forward. I amlearning to live in spite of the cancers, not in fear of them.

I know all of my cancers were stage 1, but I never felt safe from recurrence.

Keep sharing those deep thoughts.

gail

[Maryanne]

Hi Meredith,

Well, you posted on Tues and I just got you post today. I pray today is a better day for you.

You have every right to be down now and then. It is normal.... I just hope those feelings are just temporary.

I hope you have some kind of medication that can help you cope with days like Tuesday.

You are carringing a lot on those pretty shoulders of yours. Just know there is NOTHING wrong in feeling sorry for yourself. You are human and scared.

Prayers sent to you for a better day. Take a break for a little while smell the flowers and let the sun shine upon your face

Maryanne

[ma's kid]

Just wanted to give you a hug Meredith, and hope that today is a better day.

Libby

[Ann]

Meredith, I really hope you're feeling better today. I know how hard it is to be upbeat when faced with this battle. This is all so scary. Just try and avoid readinig too much or looking up any statistics about this disease. If I were you, I'd open up the window, toss out all of the statistics and start from there. When my husband was ill, I would get myself into a frenzy when I looked up too much information. I'm sending you a hug and saying a prayer!