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Grief=Regret


mamasbabygirl

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I think maybe it is a component. I regret not having kids...my mom didn't get to be a grandmother. BUT my grief doesn't revolve around that. And I really couldn't tell you another regret. Our relationship was great, our last month was exactly what she wanted.

But it still sucks for me. I'm still grieving.

So I don't know that one equals the other.

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Interested to "hear" what this counsellor means by that.

I personally don't think so, but everyone is different, grieves differently, etc...

I know I grieved and still grieve greatly for my dad and it steems solely from the fact that this was a great man whose life was cut short and whose absence is felt throughout everything we do.

I guess the regret I do have is the fact that we don't get to share our lives together any longer... I worked hard during his illness to ensure I had no personal or emotional regrets when it came to our relationship and how we dealt with his illness.

Maybe I misread the question. Anyway, looking forward to what that counsellor was referring to...

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When I greive for my mom, it is mainly for selfish reasons such as....How much I miss her, one more cup of coffee with her, and one more hug. I can honestly say I regret nothing. We had the best relationship one could ask for. I too am interested to hear what the counselor meant. I have never heard this reasoning.

Connie

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I don't think grief equals regret. Sure maybe its one piece of the grief puzzle, but its not the biggest piece. I regret that maybe we didn't act as quickly to find out why Mom was so tired all the time, maybe if we had found the cancer sooner. But my grief is that I miss her entire existence. I miss being able to call her, talk to her, laugh with her, lean on her. My grief is that everyday I feel I get that much further from her. I want time to stand still so that its only 7 weeks since I last touched her hand...........I don't want it to become 10 years or 20 years. I can't bare it.

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Wow, Kathleen, not to go off topic but:

But my grief is that I miss her entire existence. I miss being able to call her, talk to her, laugh with her, lean on her. My grief is that everyday I feel I get that much further from her. I want time to stand still so that its only 7 weeks since I last touched her hand...........I don't want it to become 10 years or 20 years. I can't bare it.

I think we are on the exact same wave length.

I had a break down the other night, and it was that every day I feel like I am moving "away" from my life with her.

I guess you can turn it around and say every day we get closer to a reunion with...not further from our mother's. But I swear, that is SO unbelievable. I feel the same sentiment...kinda like driving a car away from an object and having it get smaller.

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It never ocurred to me that maybe it is one day closer to a reunion with her.....thanks :)

Doesn't it help to hear words from others that could come out of our mouths????? It really does. I have had this huge feeling of aloneness even though I am surrounded by people I love. When I am here I do not feel that, quite the opposite. Thank you everyone.

OMG, the comment about driving away from an object and watching it get smaller is so accurate! That is just how I feel. Last night my husband said "but you have all your memories so she is still with you". True, but as I said over the years what if the memories fade away? What if I forget something? I can't bare the thought of her presence fading away..... I feel this need to hold onto every conversation, every card, momento.

ha ha.....talk about changing the topic but the day after Mom died, when my sister arrived (who by the way chose not to come home in time to see Mom and who did not want to see her afterward for closure - but she'll have to deal with that in her own way) anyway, my sister the day after Mom passed threw Mom's teeth away (Mom was cremated)............I made her pull them out of the trash. The little yellow cup they are stored in remains on the sink where it always did............

ok, now I'm sounding crazy!!!!

I love you guys, you help so much. I know I don't always write consistently, but I do read your posts and think of everyone and pray for their comfort and strength.

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I dont have moms teeth but I would have taken them had they offered. I have her glasses, her scarves, her hair, her jacket, her knitting. I feel the like if I can surround myself by her things it makes me feel closer. I have 'my share' on her ashes on my mantle that will be buried the day after thanksgiving. I wish I could just keep them somtimes. I know she is not there and her things are not her but i just keep grasping.

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I think having regrets may be part of the grieving process. I read that there are milestones in grief, such as at 6months, 11/2 yrs, etc. I guess I'm coming to the 1 1/2 yr milestone as there has been more intensity in my thoughts and feelings about mom. I was thinking that mom may have left some things behind thinking that someday we might forget her. Then I say to her how can we ever forget you. She's not getting smaller in fact she's the same as she has always been. In my mind I hear her say I'm here, I'm always here. But it's still such a heavy feeling. Sure I have some regrets like why did I have to spend so much time talking to drs about procedures, etc when I could have been spending more time with her. But we all did the best we could under the circumstances.

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No, Lori, I don't agree with that statement.

Grief doesn't equal anything but grief. Grief does, however, like someone else said contain many components and emotions. Regret is a very hard feeling to get over, especially when there a lot of coulda and shouldas. It doesn't matter if it's real (justified regret) or not real (unjustified regret). Regret can usually be replaced with the word guilt, and both regret and guilt produce sadness. My son is experiencing regret and guilt to an insurmountable degree, and it's very sad for him to experience and for me to watch.

From what you've shared with us, I hope you don't have any regrets. You did everything you could for your mom tenfold. I would never believe that anything you did or didn't do would have changed anything. You were a remarkable caregiver for your mom.

Love,

Peggy

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Lori - I think grief just stirs up alot of other emotions and feelings including regret. And I could see where some people could get lost in the regret while they are grieving. But you, my dear, should have NO REGRETS! You were a wonderful daughter and caregiver and you did all you could for your mama and then some.

Hugs to you!

Karen

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