Why am I still here

[Liz13]

I have enjoyed this site tremendously ,the little bit of time I post here. When I first found it I thought it was great and that I'd be able to help people here. Turned out I read a whole bunch more then I post. And I get more depressed every day. And I can't stay away, because its like a crystal ball and I'm seeing my future. And then we take out the dice and roll them. I watch Fred die, then Carlton die, now Gearald is dieing, and flowergirls husband. They are all younger then me and we were all diagnoiused at the same time. I feel up in the air. Can't really encourage someone new, cause I'm just a baby myself. Don't want to scare them off by telling the truth.I want you to know that even if I don't post on your greiving post, I am reading, crying, and praying you. I just cant embrace it yet. It's to soon. I'd like to turn this topic into the lc surviver topic. I need a place to go, but I really don't want to hurt any survivers caregivers that are here. It's hard to talk about my true feelings while you are going through so much pain.And it may get mean, no snow balls and warm blankets. Not all sweet And it could get ugly. Hugs, Liz PS : Feelings are the same this morning, just better typing when I don't have Ambien in my system. Sorry to the ones who stumbled through this this morning.

[Kasey]

Try not to beat yourself up, Liz. Lots of us ask that question.......why we're still here and othere aren't. And to be honest, I DO suffer survivor guilt more often than I would like to admit. But someone here said "Why NOT me?" and I try to remember that. You are right that this can be a very sad place when we 'lose' (sorry about that word, I know some find it offensive) members we have come to care about ~~ love even. BUT where else can we receive support and compassion from folks who REALLY do know what this is all about?

You can share your fears here, Liz. It isn't our job to wonder if what we say will scare people away. We do try not to get too deep into that hole, but if you have fears on your mind, I would think the LC Survivor forum would be a good place to share them.

None of us WANT to be here. Probably we ALL.....patient, caregiver, family, friend.......want our old lives back before LC. I know my life has a different purpose each day than it did pre LC. I take it for what it is and try to move through it. I am NED today. Will I be tomorrow?? Maybe not. The local onc told me to be assured it WILL come back. So that really lifted my spirits, ya know?

All I can say is, that if you get too upset being here, maybe you need to step away for a bit. Lots of us need to do that from time to time. Or maybe you need to share your fears with someone....if not us....a good listener, counselor. You have time left to live and it MAY be for a LONG time, Liz, who knows? I am just sorry I don't have words to ease your pain about all this. Maybe just knowing that I do care deeply will be of some comfort.

See.........I can ramble too !

I'm doing my best to send you cyber strength and support, Liz.

Kasey

[Snowflake]

Liz,

It's okay to have feelings and it's okay to be scared. We can see our own mortality in the mortality of others, and we can put ourselves in their place...

Lung cancer is a personal disease, any cancer is. It's not a foreign invader like measels invading the body that one vaccine will work for everyone, it's our own individual body run amok. What works in your body may not work for someone else with the same symptoms and "type" of cancer. There are small inconsistencies making each tumor and each case different.

Can't tell you to not feel guilty - well, I CAN, but it's not something I can turn off, so why would you be able to? The best thing you can do for friends who have passed is to remember them with a smile and a tear. Yes, that could eventually be your story, but NO ONE knows the final words or the last page of their book of life until it is written. You could very well be a survivor, look at you GO! Gaining weight...feeling good...

Funny, once the body starts to get better, the brain has to antagonize you. Were it your body that was hurting, you would find something to numb the pain. Talk to your doctor about something for the anxiety and/or depression. If it's an in and out thing, you'll be given something like Xanax, to take the edge off with the world is crushing you, but if the doctor feels you're depressed, you may have a daily medication prescribed. It's important to take care of your mental well-being - and NEVER apologize for living when others don't. I know that were I looking down on someone feeling bad that they lived and I didn't, I'd kick their butt so hard they'd think they could fly!

Be kind to yourself, and don't close that book before it's over, squeeze every last drop.

xxoo,

Becky

[Eileen4]

Hi Liz,

Just stopping by to give you a wave and a shout-out! Hang in there--some days are better than others. I wish you a good one today, full of sunshine, love, and hope...

Eileen

[Liz13]

Dear Kasey and Becky, Thank you so much for your kind and patient replies. I was feeling sorry for myself Friday night. I think waiting on this CT result is wearing on me. But I recieved a large attitude adjustment this weekend. A special thanks to Eileen and Barb for that. I do know that Gracie, Heather and Flowergirlie would not want me to feel guilty over what is happening in their lives. And I know there is a lot I can offer to everyone on this board and in my life. I am living proof there is life after chemo. This illness has truly been a blessing of sorts for me, mentally. I have learned so much about myself and about the world. I have a lot of experiences to share, love to spread and hugs to give. So get in line. I'm joining the real world again. Becky, I've got my big girl panties back on, though I may need a reminder now and then. And Randy, thank you for the warm blanket. I know you sent it anyway. Hugs, Liz

[Connie B]

You know how we always talk about this emotional Roller-coaster ride we're on? Well, you just discribe it. Hold on tight, your going Up and Down and Up and Down! It is what it is!!! It's been over 11 years for me, and I STILL go up and down now and again. (((LIZ)))

You DO have a lot to offer others, you DO GIVE HOPE to those that are fighting this battle. YOU ARE a LC SURVIVOR! THANK GOD, AMEN!

If you need to vent then that's what you do! We're here for you. We all have those days and we all need a place to dump it. Dump away!

[Treebywater]

I know I'm not a survivor... and I don't pretend to know what any of you go through, so maybe I shoudln't even post here. But I do want to say that I am glad that you stick around here. I am glad for your posts. Just seeing the photo that comes with your posts gives *me* hope that this disease is survivable that there is life after bad things happen.

And please share your feelings. YOU are the reason for this board.

Keep sticking around--in general, and on the board. You are important to lots of people.

[Maryanne]

Just want you to know that I am thinking of your and sending good vibes your way.

You sound so much better in your last post. We all have those days so whatever you do, please do not feel guilty for ever venting. That is why we are here, for you to help you through this.

I have not walked in your shoes as Iam a caretaker but I do emphathize with you.

Glad you are feeling better. I pray you get good results from your CT scan. Everything crossed here!

Maryanne

[ernrol]

Liz,

Why am I still here? is a good question for everybody, cancer or no cancer. I think we are all here because the good Lord has something for us to do here. I try to read only the uplifting things. There are some forums that I will not even go into. Waiting for test results is tough. I am waiting to take a PET scan Friday to see if the spot on my hip is cancer. This waiting time puts you in bad moods. My wife says that I need to perk up and I say there is nothing wrong. I try to stay as positive as I can, but a little bit slips in that is noticeable to her. Don’t compare yourself with others. Keep saying to yourself that you will beat this and be a long term survivor. Somebody has to be a long term survivor, why not you? Being older than others should not bother you. I’ll be 70 on March 27th, so I don’t think age makes that much difference. If there is a forum that you think will depress you, and then don’t go into it. You don’t need to read things that depress you and nobody that has this disease will blame you for that. Please do stay around and read the good news with me.

Stay positive,

Ernie

[Nova]

Being new here, and not suffering from cancer myself, all I can say is that I truly appreciate the fact that you are as honest as you are, about what you're having to go thru.

In order to try and understand even a little of what my husband is dealing with emotionally and physically, I don't want "sugar-coated" answers, just truthful, honest, "real-life" answers!

I admire your strength, and even when you don't think you're posting "positive" notes, you're helping me- (and other's too, I'm sure!), by just being you!

"Anyhoo", Just wanted to let you know I appreciate you! Maybe we can get together one of these days at Moffit for that cup of yummy cafeteria coffee!

Take care,

Nova

[teriw]

Hi Liz,

I know I'm not alone in being happy you're here (on this web site, I mean)! For one thing, every time I look at your picture, I smile. You often have a way of lightening something up -- and that can be invaluable.

From the spouse's perspective, it's been very difficult going through so many tragic events on this site lately. In one case, I became so emotionally involved that I couldn't stop thinking about it night and day. I was checking for updates constantly, crying about it, etc. I realized that wasn't helping anyone, especially my own hubby who needs me the most. I've learned how to be involved and give/get support without it completely taking over my thoughts. It's a balance. For example, I very rarely go in the grieving section. I can't deal with it right now.

A lot of people write and say they hope that Bill posts again. It's so nice of people to say that and I'm glad that people got something out of his posts early on (even if he ticked people off). But, the truth is it became very unhealthy for him to be here. He didn't have the discipline like Ernie to only read uplifting things or posts where he could offer useful advice. He read everything and took it all in and couldn't shut it off. So for his fight, he had to leave it completely and abruptly. He's now putting his writing energy into a book. I fill him in on people from time to time, and that's good. He's giving back in other ways that are healthy for him.

That's my long-winded way of saying I think everyone has to find their comfortable balance with something like this. Sometimes you need it several times a day, and other times once a week or less is right. And sometimes it's okay just to leave it alone for a while. If anyone is going to understand that need, it's the people here.

Liz, you have find the balance that allows you to maintain your positive outlook and strength.

[Liz13]

Thank you Terri, for putting the right words in my mouth. And for giving me an update on Bill, and why he doesn't come here anymore. Obsessive is the right word for how I was feeling too. It seemed I went along alright since October, then when things I didn't like started happening, it made me have to confront my own mortality and scared the sh** out of me. Then I mixed that with ambien and well, you can see what happened. I am doing better now. I don't read all the sections, all the time. A lot of time I'll just mark all posts as read, so it's not there staring at me anymore. I guess I feel differently at different times. Today I went to see my doctor to get "official" results of CT. During our discussion, I asked him, "I know you can't say for sure, but the fact that there's no progression, I've gained my weight back, I feel great, I don't have SOB, can any of this mean I don't have cancer anymore?" And he said no. That I will always have cancer, even if he can't see it. And it will probably be back. He is very happy that I'm doing so well now, but that it doesn't mean anything about the future. He agreed with me that I can really only live 3 months at a time. But I can live fully and squeeze every last drop out of everyday. That's where I think we get lucky. We surely do appriciate people more. The conversation did stop me in my tracks for a moment, but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before. I guess I just got a little complacent. It's just so hard to be dying when I feel so good. I'm going to have to do a lot more thinking on this one. Tell Bill I said "Hey" and I do miss him, but I understand. I started writing on my own a little. Maybe as I get better at that, I'll stop coming here so much. Hugs, Liz

[teriw]

Hi Liz,

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better about it all. Although I'm not sure how your doc could say that so definitively (about always having cancer). I understand the need to be realistic, but isn't it also true that they consider a cancer "cured" if you're in remission for 5 years? Why can't that be you? Our own doc told us a story of a lung cancer patient that he thought only had months to live, who was going on for several years after that prediction. I honestly think that they really don't know.

I can only speak from the observer's perspective, but I think when you're fighting this monster body, mind, and spirit, you have to do whatever YOU need to do to maintain the ability to fight. There's nothing selfish about that. It's just too critical.

You keep fighting! You're awesome! I'll tell Bill "hey" from you. PM me anytime if you want or need to chat from someone on my side of the fence. Good luck with the writing. Hugs back...

[Eileen4]

"But I can live fully and squeeze every last drop out of everyday."

And knowing you, Liz, you will too! Glad to hear all is "peachy" and that you're doing so well and feeling so good. Way to go!

My next scan is July 6th, 3 days after you go over. We'll have to get together that weekend to celebrate when we both get our positive results, huh?

Eileen

[Liz13]

That sounds like a plan, Eileen. I'm looking forward to it. Any other Tampa/St. Pete folks want to join us? Terri, I did ask him about the 5 year thing, and I beleive he said that it was certainly a goal. I actually think he's a great doctor for me. He talks my languge and doesn't sugar coat anything. And I trust him, which helps. My other doctor I had in West Palm Beach, I never felt good about him. I beleive if I had stayed there, I would be a statistic now. And it wouldn't have been from the cancer, it would have been the treatment. Like I said, I feel different on different days, but for the most part I feel optimistic. I always have. I just let those monsters take over my head every once in a while. Then I go in for an attitude adjustment. Hugs, Liz

[bam451]

I feel the same way. My mom is fighting this horrible disease and I come hear daily to see if I can give her more hope. And most of the time I do. But I also cry and melt down from all the truth. My husband thinks it's crazy that I come on this sight because all I do is cry. But for some reason I cannot stay away. IT's like an addiction.