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Ok, I need to start by saying my mom is agian in treatment and so far it is going well. Her last PET scan showed the one tumor and suspious spots on her bones. Her pain is better since in treatment and her new chemo isn't so hard. I see all these blessings and I am trying to believe with all my heart in the power of prayer. I pray everyday and I beleive I am heard but....

I am still angry. I am still scared out of my mind. I can't get this fear of losing her out of my mind. I believe I need to be believe and my faith needs to be complete. I just can't seem to completely give this to God. I can't seem to give it up to him and find comfort. I do believe in my mom and I do have faith, I don't want to send the message I have given up hope because that is the farthest from the truth. I just can't get rid of this fear. Can you have faith and still be so scared?

I had a terrific Easter with my mom. We had fun. She is doing great and I am SOOOO thankful for that. I pray with all my heart that my mom is blessed with healing.

I just don't know why I can pray with all my heart, believe I am heard and still be so afraid.

Thank you all for giving me a chance to share my feelings. I am so thankful for this site and all of you. I do believe, it is just so hard.

Prayers to all of you,

Dana

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I'm not sure that the fear ever really goes away, at least it hasn't for me. I decided a while ago though that I wasn't going to ask "how long" because it didn't matter to me. I wanted to spend as much quality time with my mom whether it was 3, 6 or 18 months. And I have, there are no regrets, we've talked like we have never talked before, I've seen things in my mother that I didn't know existed. It has been a beautiful gift.

For the first time yesterday I asked "how long" to Dr. West on Onctalk. Yet, it still doesn't matter.

I pray for peace for you. This is a difficult time, a very difficult time. And the fear of the unknown probably never goes away...

I have found great joy and peace in the support I have found here on LCSC. I hope you find the same.

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Can you have faith and still be so scared?

Yes, of course you can.

And that's what you give up to God -- your truth. He doesn't promise to get us out of these rough parts in our life, He promises to hold us and walk with us through them.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I fully understand your fear and anxiety. Your feelings are just that -- your feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings. Just allow yourself to have them.

Hugs,

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I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

I absolutely believe that you can have faith and still be scared out of your mind.

Take it a moment at a time if you have to- just to get yourself thru it. And enjoy the time you have with your mom and ALL those you love.

None of us (even those who are healthy) are promised a tomorrow. We should live our lives loving and appreciated each moment we have with those we love.

Unfortunately, before something like this touches us, we live our lives oblivious to such things.

Now, we all know how special each day is.

It's ok to be afraid and have that fear. Turn it into advocating for your mom, turn it into wonderful memories, turn it into something useful if you can.

One momement at a time. Right now, your mom is doing ok, and you can be with her. Concetrate on that, and have faith and you are doing the best you can do.

We all understand and we are here for you.

((hugs))

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In my experience, faith is always scary. Because faith means that you are not necessarily the one in control. The fear and the anger are all part of the package. But having them doesn't mean that you believe that your Mom can be healed any less. IT doesn't mean that you don't have faith.

Hang in there and know I am praying for you and your Mom.

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I am still angry. I am still scared out of my mind.

((Oh Dana)),

I understand. For many, cancer brings up our anger and fears. As a confirmed control freak, I can tell you that "thy will be done" was very hard for me to swallow. But -- whether we like it or not, God is in control, but also with us every day. I firmly believe this and know in my soul that he carried me so many times when I didn't think I could put one foot in front of the other each day.

He knows what is in your heart, your fear and anger, and will give you what you need to get through whatever may come. You're still here, right? I bet you didn't think you'd come this far in this journey and yet, you have.

I'm sorry and I hope you will receive moments of peace to carry you on too. You are doing fine and having completely natural and normal feelings.

Many hugs,

Welthy

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CAncer makes us question our mortality. It is a reality. We know that the possibility and the when are always eating up our minds in the back. However, The best thing to do is Live Love and Laugh out loud and often. By keeping the cancer in front, we can not do that. We stay in a dark place in the shadows of life. Come out of the shadow and live the day in the Light!!!!!!!!

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I'm so sorry for you, but understand it , as I feel the same.

I try to have faith and hope, but the "human" me flops around with the whole thing, because of anger, sadness, feeling scared, and like Debi said, giving up control.

Take one minute at a time if you have to. The Lord knows what is in your heart, and I'm sure he honors the fact that you're still praying to him.

I've finally come to the conclusion, that what is going to be, is going to be, no matter how much faith I have or how much of it I lack.

Doesn't mean I'm giving up, because I'll never do that, as long as Harry wants to keep trying to get well.

I'm sorry. Cancer is horrible for all involved.

Take care,

Nova

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Yes, you can absolutely have faith and still be very scared. That is perfectly normal. God has given us surgeons, doctors, nurses, our family and friends to also help us out through this. And best of all he has given us our own fighting spirits! Take care and god bless.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know exactly what you are going through. I am from a family in which I have 2 sisters that are nuns and a brother that is a priest. Believe me, we did some praying. My sister passed anyway. I was very angry at first, but I have come to realize that God's will was done. She didn't suffer..she had time to tell us all goodbye and to confess her sins and go in peace. I miss her very much, but I know she is in a better place..just from the dreams we have of her.

I was told once that FEAR is FAITH turned inside out..it is so difficult to want and to pray for what we need instead of God's will, because we don't know what his will is. BUT..I believe God's will is always right.

I think you are trying to prepare yourself for what may come. I did the same thing and even though it didn't stop my pain, I think I was ready to accept it.

Having said all that..Your Mom may very well survive this hateful beast..there are many who have. Try to keep believing and be with her as much as you can.

Love to you and yours,

Bobby

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Dana,

When I read your post today I was like WOW that is exactly what I am going through. My mom is the most important person in my life and has always been. My parents were divorced when I was very young and my dad took off although we managed to make amends before he passed away in 2000. My mom was a single mom and she was all I had. Although I am an adult now -I feel like I am a lost child because of this. Every fear is coming up now that I will be all by myself when she leaves this world and I will just collaspe and not live life anymore. I do pray also and do have faith but that fear is with me all the time. I just lost it last night at the dinner table with my husband and his reaction was less than understanding. I was crying and breaking down and he said don't worry about things so much, try and think positive. I was peeved. I told him that he could never understand unless it was his mom. I do admit being sensitive when someone doesn't pay the mind I believe it deserves. I told my husband this is the biggest trial I have ever gone through in my life thus far. Sorry for the long speel but I so identified with you on this. I will pray for you and your mom.

Best to You-

Marci

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Dana,

I can't comment much on the whole God, Faith and lack of control stuff, but the emotions you are feeling right now are thoughts you would feel if you outlived your mom regardless of cause. It hurts, I know. Our parents are our rocks and we know with them, we will always have a supportive, unconditional friend.

I know it's hard, but try to use this time to spend every moment possible with Mom and not challenge your faith. You can take the test later. Whatever will be, will. My prayers are with you and your family.

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Dear Dana,

Bill and I pray that God will be with us. Hold us, and keep us in His Hands.

Am I less scared? No. The truth of that rears its ugly head especially whenever Bill needs a scan, have an interpretation of one, or I think to deeply on cancer on any given day.

This disease can be a roller-coaster of emotions because of it is the thief of normalcy. Life will never be the same. We know that we have a "new normal" life - living with new parameters - new goals and we now take it on a day-to-day basis.

We hang onto the good things that occur with all of our might. We have been doing this for as long as Bill and I were told about the cancer.

Are we less hopeful? No. The one thing we hang onto is hope. There is the hope that a current regimen works, a new drug may come onto the scene, our strength holds firm, and many more hopes.

It is well worth keeping hope alive - whatever that means to each of us.

The one thing that has been a gift is that we appreciate a lot more than we have ever in our lives. Taking things for granted disappeared the day of Bill's diagnosis.

Hope always,

Barbara

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Dana..I'm a little late reading this post but believe me it struck me just as honest as when you wrote it, the emotions and feelings are so close to mine about my husband. The first two weeks were hell and then I kind of realized that the "when" is really not up to me and never was, cancer or not! It helped me let loose of letting this cancer take over our relationship and to make the most of what time we have. I'm not saying I'm not scared and mad and all of that but it has eased the terror I felt. I hope you are enjoying your time with your mom and feeling a little less scared but never give up the faith!

Deb

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