alyssa0323 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Remembering many of the posts I submitted, I remember saying over and over again that I am just so angry.. That anger is getting worse. It's only been a month since my mom passed but I catch myself thinking about what she went through, the many hospital trips, the awful mask they kept putting on her face to force air into her lungs, and the morning she told me she just wanted to "go", she couldn't do it anymore... Most of all I remember holding her hand for two days straight before she passed. She played with my mothers ring that she bought me for christmas on my hand while holding my hand.. To top it off, I am mad at my dad. He made the statement that "you don't realize what you have until it's gone" What!!! I realized it ! I knew what I was losing and what a wonderful person she was! My dad was not the best husband to her, nor the best father to me. He cheated on my mom, he never spent time with me or my siblings. Now all the sudden he wants me to call him every day. He wants to go out to dinner. He has had 36 years to be a father to me! I am there for him because my mom would want me to be, but I am just so ANGRY!!!! Why do people wait to change until it's too late? My mom deserved so much better. I deserved so much better. My sisters deserved so much better. My birthday is Monday the 23rd. I think it's safe to assume it's not going to be a very happy one. I miss her sooooo much. I am breathless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 (((((Alyssa)))) My heart breaks for you. I personally have not lost anyone in my family to this awful disease but I worry about my elderly mom and what that will be like when she passes. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to deal with your dad. In a way I can relate because my husband has had his head up his butt the whole during my illness. I think sometimes that some men just can't handle it. Now, I am certainly not telling you to forgive anything or everything he has done to you and your family, just offering some first hand information. I personally worry more about how my husband is going to be than my son - my son talks to me all the time about this illness and how he feels about the thought of losing me. My husband cannot even say the word CANCER!! Just remember that a part of your mom lives in you and in that beautiful little baby of yours. I am sure she is up there, smiling down on you and her!! Please continue to vent as often as you need to. Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hi Allyssa, It's so strange that somethings in our lives seem to be running parallel right now. My Mom died on 2/08/09 from a staph infection, she was in congestive heart failure. The one month anniversary earlier this month was sooo hard, to top it off my birthday is 3/5. Not pleasant at all! I didn't celebrate it. My SISTER was confused because I ddn't go out and spend it with friends. I just couldn't keep dwelling on Mom's death. I'm single with no children so I went out and bought a puppy. She definitley helps by keeping me too busy to think. My father isn't my issue it's my SISTER! Her and Mom had a major falling out about 2 years ago and Mom stopped speaking to her. My sister has been after me to hurry up and get Mom's stuff put away or "get rid of it", so I can get a room mate to help cover the rent. Mom and I lived togetther the last 5 years and we rented. When I tried to talk to her about how hard that anniversary week was she cut me off with, "You have got to quit thinking about this and get on with your life". She is just totally heartless. The thought that just occured to me about your Dad is maybe he is realizing what he does have right now, you, before "it's" gone? I am angry at my SISTER and at all Mom's doctor's too! She had just been released from the hospital 4 days before she died! Why did they release her?! People tell me anger is part of the "greiving process", so I guess it will pass. You and I will work our way through it and maybe some day we will smile when we remember our Mama's instead of our hearts breaking. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alyssa0323 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Thank you Dana. I just cant imagine this anger going away anytime soon. I have a sister who also, like yours, although there wasnt a falling out, she never stayed close with my mom and she has the same attitude as "life goes on". Yes it does, but it will never be the same for me (and you) .. Thankfully, I was blessed with my new daughter who has been keeping my mind busy as well. But more times that not, I find myself and my mind wandering off and reliving all of what happened from the time she was diagnosed in Dec 08 to when she passed in Feb. My mom passed only after two months of being told she had lung cancer. I try to think of the "good" times with her but I still end up sad because I know I will have no more of those times with her and I just cant imagine life without her, even still today. My dad - for me, it's too late. I will be there for him since my mom would want me to be, but if he thinks he is going to have that close father/daughter relationship that we should have had 36 years ago, he's wrong. I feel bad for him that he is regretting alot and that it takes losing my mom for him to realize what he lost. My take on it is that he is going to have to deal with that on his own. To regret is an awful feeling and at least that is something I do not carry with me. My mom was a beautiful wonderful loving person and I knew that throughout the 36 years she was with me !!! THANK GOD! I apologize for having such a negative attitude about all this. I guess it just goes back to those feelings of anger I have. I guess I feel mad at the world. :0( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jstdzy Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Allysa, You SHOULD have a negative attitude! You and I are Mama's girls! We had very special, close relationships with our Moms. It's going to be awhile to get through all these emotions and I for one don't think "getting over it" is going to happen. I, like you will ALWAYS miss my Mom, ALWAYS! But maybe one day it just won't hurt soooo bad. Dana P.S. Something a friend did for me, she had 2 messages from my Mom on her voice mail and she tape recorded them for me and gave me the recorder and the tape. Do you think you have access to anything like that? It really helps me sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alyssa0323 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Dana, I unfortunately dont have my mom's voice recorded from any recent messages. I'll tell you why, the last message I had of her on my cell phone, she sounded so weak and I actually kept it for awhile and then for some reason deleted it. I guess had I known she wasnt going to be able to leave me anymore so soon, I would have never done that! I expected her to be around for quite some more time!! What I wouldnt give to hear her voice again!!! :0( I'm so glad your friend did that for you. Very thoughtful and I can imagine that it would help you at times! I bought a locket with an angel on the front of it and carry my moms picture with me wherever I go. I can still hear her voice in my mind but miss being able to kiss the lips and face that voice is coming out of . Hugs to you.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet B Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Alyssa Don't apologize for your feelings - they are YOUR feelings. Of course you are angry - you have lost your mother - anyone who has lost their mother understands how devastating that is. It will get better - your anger will slowly calm - and in time you will be able to look back at memories of your mom with smiles , not tears. As for your father - boy - have I been there. After my mom died - my family kind of fell apart in anger. Children didn't speak to father, sisters didn't speak to sisters. All I can tell you is - give it time. Being angry takes alot of energy, and it denies you a lot of happiness and opportunity for love. Just in the last few years , i have been able to work on repairing relationships with my family - and it is such a gift. I am closer to my sisters now at 50 than I have ever been in my life. So let the anger play out, let your tears flow - then work on finding happiness again - my prayers are with you - Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Alyssa, I am so sorry that you are living with with anger and I agree with Dana that you will always miss her and it does get a little easier with time. I lost my Dad over five years ago to lung cancer and my husband was diagnosed in Sept. 08 with stage IV lung cancer. You talk about angry! I am angry everyday over the what if's when it comes to Thom's treatments. The big one-what if the treatments don't work. I have found that I can't be consumed with anger. I have to stay focused on Thom and getting him well. I believe Janet has some wonderful words of wisdom in her post as well. You have a beautiful little girl that will someone love her grandma because you will pass the love you have for your Mom to your little one. I thought when I lost my Dad I would NEVER "get over" losing him and I probably never will however, time has sure made in alot easier to cope with the loss. Hoping the same happens for you. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraL Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Hi Alyssa. I am saddened to read about what you are going through. Your dear mom's passing is quite enough to deal with. Adding your dad into the mix and all your feelings about him just makes it all the more difficult. But you are right, I am sure your mom is evern more proud of you for being there for him at this time. Please know that we are here for you and care. Sandra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 He is Lonely and scared Just like I used to be ! He is trying to reach out for someone to spend time with because He no longer has his wife. He is in a house surrounded by memories! with depression and Grief comes anger also! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ts Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 My Mom also died two months after initial diagnosis -two months of in and out of the hospital. My Dad is a good one, but we weren't close like my Mom and me. He moved closer to me and wanted daily contact. That was very hard on me and confusing. He was lonely - and remarried about a year later. I was fortunate to go to a family reunion about a month after my Mom died - of her maternal line. I heard lots of stories from her childhood, and felt the love from strangers. That was a huge help. I also took her original engagement ring band and turned it into a pinky ring for me. I wore it constantly for quite a few years and then one day took it off and put it away. I think the anger had mostly dissipated at that point. When I was diagnosed last fall, amazingly, I felt no anger towards her (the main source of my second hand smoke) but terror, yes. I am definitely my Mommy's girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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