bohojack Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 It's been a while since I've been on, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me. I joined up last year while I was pregnant and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I tried logging in a few times but the site for some reason didn't want to remember my username so I sort of gave up pretty quickly. It's hard to motivate yourself to talk about it if you're used to having to glaze over to go on with everyday life. Since my last visit, mom's tumor in her lung shrank by about 50%, and is still shrinking... this is the good news but it seems there is so often so much more bad. In early May mom had a seizure and they found a few mets to the brain including one larger one that had caused the seizure. They also discovered a blood clot in her lung which was being treated with heparin injections for a while. The morning she had the seizure was not nice. I had to leave the baby downstairs and ran up hearing her pleading and 'sleep screaming' and begging with the paramedics, trying to run away terrified of them... I've never seen anyone come out of a seizure or have a seizure before so it was very scary for me. Within a few days of being admitted to the hospital after the seizure, she was scheduled for brain surgery to remove the tumor, which was pretty terrifying. Just prior to going in for the surgery, her anesthesiologist was the one to break the news that her treatment had been changed from curative to palliative. It just slipped out and there it was, right before she had to go under the knife for a scary surgery. She came out fine and has healed well, and was talking almost normally within days (aside from reversing genders sometimes) Since then mom has had a few scans... I don't know what is going on with the blood clot but we were waiting to see if they could do targeted radiation on the brain mets.. we waited a month for them to even scan her again after a 5 day full brain radiation course, and by then she had 9 mets to the brain. We were told that because it had gone over the allowed 3 for her to be elligible for the targeted radiation, there was nothing they could do anymore. That we're on our own now. The man that told my mom this - that basically they are done helping and are ready to leave her to die - told her so on the phone while she was at a restaurant with my dad. She asked him to please wait and she would call him when she wasn't in public but he remarked that he had meetings to get to and it couldn't wait and he'd just tell her now. From the start of this horrible journey, mom was suspected to have lupus... then she went to one oncologist, who passed her off onto another, who went on sabbatical, so she was passed off to another, who went on vacation, so she was passed off to another, who had a conference to go to.... I'm not even sure if she's seen the same oncologist more than 3 times. The ones she has been able to get in contact with seem to think she is someone else's responsibility. Her info gets lost from one person to the next, she gets bad news by hearing it from nurses and anesthesiologists rather than a doctor.... no one even bothered introducing her to the head nurse at the cancer clinic until about a month ago. I don't know what to do. Though I suppose there's nothing I can. They're saying she's got 6 - 9 months left. I just had my son, her first grandchild in the family, in January and she's glad to think she'll see his first birthday, the first Christmas, but angry at the thought of not having more. I'm angry at it too. And I don't know why but our relationship has changed... for some reason I find myself less patient with her, less understanding. I feel angry at her but I know I shouldn't and I know it's wrong to behave like that. I just don't really know what the hell to do anymore. I'm 21... with my first child with a man who runs out on me or cheats on me when he gets the chance... my mom is sick... this is my first time as a mom and I'm just trying to glaze over so that I can actually function with my son... I keep thinking, if and when I lose her, then what? She's always been my best friend and confidante. She's always given me advice and helped me figure out where to go and what to do, she's always been the glue for this family. Without her here I'm afraid my dad and brother and I just won't have enough in common to even bother seeing each other. That dad will just disappear travelling to take his mind off things and lose himself, and my brother will just kind of fall away into working and never call... and I'll be completely alone with just me and my son who I don't know the first thing about how to raise him properly to be a good person... how not to screw up, how to deal with things with his dad. I feel like such a lost little kid who depends so much on her mom that even acknowledging the situation is enough to make me panicky... I don't want to lose her, I don't want her to be scared, I don't want to be alone, I don't want her to miss out on so much that she should still be able to see. There are more grandchildren for her someday, there are more adventures for her and my dad to have... I just feel incredibly lost and isolated. I feel like a child with a child who just wants her mommy, and I have no one to talk to. Because I'm a young mom, most of my friends are at completely different places in their lives. Some are just buying homes or just settling into committed relationships. Most are still out clubbing and partying and just coasting around. I never even see anyone anymore, I don't ever have anyone to talk to other than my dad and brother who I can't seem to communicate with, and my son's dad who's been nothing but trouble for me. I feel like I put on a pretty brave face for the family and the baby but inside I feel myself seizing up like something is breaking and I'm just waiting to collapse when anything happens with mom. The slightest thing gets on my nerves and I want to explode and break everything but I just sit there frozen and don't speak. I don't want to be some crazy wreck of a mother to my son. I don't want to treat my mom any differently... I want her to have peace and joy with her family, not bickering and stupid conflicts... yet I can't seem to even get my head wrapped around anything. I don't have money for counseling and I don't drive to get anywhere for it either.. I'm sorry if this sounds like a big pity post I just don't really know where else to spew anymore... Love and prayers to everyone. I hope all of you and your families are enjoying happy days and much warmth with one another, and I really sincerely mean that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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