Jana_W Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Hi all It has been soooooo long since I've posted, that I wonder if many people reading this will even remember me! But it is coming up to 4 years since Mum died. I am finding this year harder than last year and can't understand why. I am missing her so much and keep thinking about how much better everything would be if she were still here. Mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first daughter (who is now nearly 4), and since then I have had another little girl, who is nearly 2. I hate the fact that my Mum never got to see me being a Mum. I am such a different person to the one I was when Mum was alive, partly due to all the changes that motherhood brings, but also because of what we went through with Mum's illness, seeing her suffer and then losing her. It pains me that I feel like there is such a big change in me that my own Mum never even got to know. I might not be making much sense, but may be some of you have felt the same thing. Basically I just miss her so much and sometimes it's hard knowing that the hurt never goes away. Of course I don't really want it to because then it would mean I hadn't been spending much time thinking about her etc. Some days are just harder than others, and this year leading up to her death has been particularly hard. It was such a hideous time, filled with so many things I wish we'd never had to go through. Thanks for listening. Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Jana, Go outside tonight and talk to your Mom. Remember, she is right over head listening and watching ALWAYS!! I know its hard to deal with but we are always here to help if Ya need someone. Hugs and Prayers on this sad anniversary.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaEz Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Jana, I am very new here, but I understand your pain. My father in law passed away 2 1/2 years ago and the pain still feels very fresh sometimes. And of course my pain over my dad *is* fresh....but I try to tell myself that the amount of pain I feel is equal to the amount of love I feel, and sometimes that helps. (not always!) I hope you feel better and I hope things get better for you. I am sure your Mum is very proud of her grandchildren and the mother that her daughter has become. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Jana, I DO remember you and your sister, right? You both were among the first to befriend me when I first joined LCSC. I'm thrilled to hear you have 2 little daughters. And I'm sure you are a super mum to them. I lost my own mum in 1985 and she never saw mw marry the most wonderful man in the world. I suppose we just have to believe that some way, some how, they had a hand in what came to be for us. I'm so glad you stopped by. I hope your whole family is doing well......dad included. I will be thinking of you and hoping you enjoy your girls and can get through this difficult time. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 ((((Jana)))) You know I remember you. I do know what you mean. I hadn't thought about in terms of her not getting to know who I am--this totally different Val that I am because I am a Mom, because of losing her, because of a whole host of other things that made me grow up and come into who I am now. But you are so right. I'm sorry it's been so hard lately. We walked so much of the early days together-- Know that I'm still here with you in the 'life four years later' journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 Jana, I wasn't here four years ago but I am sorry you are having such a tough time of it. That's the thing with grief, you never know why it's intensity has increased suddenly after so long a time. I like to think my mother is always with me and sometimes when I lie in bed at night, I close my eyes and relax my body and imagine her walking and talking with me in a lovely meadow. It's crazy because I never even knew her because she died when I was a baby. I think we just always need our mother and it's sometimes a challenge to feel her in a comforting way. I hope you find some comfort in the coming days. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 Wow! What a great group of people you are for remembering me (and Karen), and for taking the time to reply when I have been so absent. Thank you so much, and thank you for understanding. Jana x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 Jana, I so get it. You've changed so much, so many things have happened and you 1. just want her to see it but 2. part of why you are the person you are today is because of her absense. I trust she does see you and has shared all you would have wanted to share...I also know it is unfulfilling to not see it. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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