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Mind bender

Nick C

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I imagine what it would be like to be living my life right now if mom were here. And I can't...because it wouldn't be this life.

It's like when Marty comes back to 1985 and everything has changed.

Sophie wouldn't be Sophie...she'd be someeone else...maybe a he even?!? Maybe there would be two by now. But I lovee my little girl just the way she is.

Her middle name wouldn't have been Randilyn after my mom.

Whoever Sophie'd be I know I wouldn't have the same relationship with her that I have, because I work really hard to love her because she is missing the love my mom would have given her.

I wouldn't know all of you (except Rickey, I'd havee known him).

I wouldn't garden like I do.

I would know my wife was devoted, but not like I know after watching her hold mom's hand as she died, eulogizing her, working so hard on this foundation in mom's memory.

I don't know that I'd have the job I have today if my perspective hadn't changed with mom's passing.

I wouldn't have made the changes to my diet I've made and thus wouldn't be as healthy as I am today.

I've become far more sympathetic.

We all say we hate the new normal...and believe me, I still miss mom and want her here with me...but every single one of these things above...I like them. I like them a lot. They are very positive things...and these are things mom basically gave me through her passing.

Total mind bender. I want her back, but if she never left...look at all I would have never gained!

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Oh I certainly get that. There are so many things that have changed about me since Mum was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently died. I know that so many of these changes are positive and without doubt I am a kinder, softer, more empathetic person who is now so much more affected by other people's sadness and grief. It's as though our Mums are still adding to our character and helping to shape our personalities even after they have gone, because of the close relationship with had with them and the profound effect their grief therefore has on us. It sure is a mind bender. I think you are a better person than me Nick, in that you can see all the good things it has created in you are worthy of being kept, despite how much you want her back as well. I know that I constantly feel that I would more than happily trade all of it in (and my right arm) to go back to the more selfish, carefree person I was before. Mind you, I suspect we all feel like that at least some of the time. It sure is confusing!



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I think all of us have had the what ifs and realized that we want the one we love back but we could never give up the person we have become or the life that we have recreated.

A lot of the people who have been here for a while know that Johnny was the love of my life but for 41 years I was married to someone else. We often talked about all we had missed and really did regret every minute but at the same time we had our families that we would never want to change or do without. The only answer we came up with is we regretted so much the time to love that we had lost but we were so thankful for the life that produced our children and grandchildren.

Some things just can't be reconciled. We just have to accept both the joy and the pain and believe with all of our hearts that God really does know best/

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Everyone had a good comment for your excellent post Nick. It seems like I am just here, just putting in my time. Even tho I have learned to do lots of things around here, and I know Rod is proud of that, it doesn't feel like I live life. I want to wake up in the morning and thank God I'm here, but not very many days are like that. I was so spoiled and loved and taken care of, I don't like doing it all by myself. Even if it is God's plan and I worship Him.


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Nick, Nick , Nick, you are one very special guy and most certainly it's because you are your mother's son. I just know she must have been bursting with pride to have a son like you and I do believe that she still is...Thank you for this wonderfully inspirational post and I feel blessed to have met you in cyber space .

And Lily, thank you for your very insightful reply.. just beautiful .

I hate the fact that I was brought here as a result of such pain and sorrow touching my own life, but my life is certainly enriched daily by those of you here. Thank you Nick, Lily and many many others for all you give to all of us.



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Barb I really do get what you are saying. For such a long time I felt like I was alone in a world that I didn't belong in. I often think of one of those small plastic balls that hamsters run around in. I felt like I was in the world but kept seperate because I no longer belonged. The really worse part was, for a very long time I didn't really want to belong.

Today is 7 years sense the last wonderful day, special day with Johnny before one careless remark the next day started events that shattered both my world and myself. My emotions have been all over the place I laugh when I feel like crying and cry when I feel like laughing and speak when I should keep my mouth shut. I had a good cry with one neighbor this morning who understands after losing her husband. I fixed a big breakfast and something started out wrong and I almost had a total melt down but thankfully I have one friend here who I can say anything to. He doesn't judge and lets me vent.

Nick I am sorry I didn't mean to steal your post. I really do get what you are saying and feeling. I am sure most of us do. As always my love and prayers go out for all of you. Lily

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{{Lily and Jean}} it sure is hard to find our place in the world now isn't it? We had our place for so long, or at least the plan for our lives and then BOOM it changes in one sentence.

Life has become more comfortable, softer maybe in the last few weeks, but the depth of sorrow lets itself be known out of the blue,

don't like that.


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