lilyjohn Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Wow I am not quite sure how to start this. Maybe I will be sharing something that I should keep to myself, then again maybe there is someone else out there who understands and can give me some advice. Many of you know that this is a bad time of year for me. There are just so many painful memories, bad memories along with the good. Every year I think it will get easier that those dates won't haunt me with the memories and reliving all of the terrible things that both Johnny and I went through. For the most part it has been a little easier this year up until now. I think that is because of something else going on in my life. Yesterday was the 7th aniversary of the first anxiety attacks and the day before the first panic attacks. I tried so hard to help him but I know now that I never really understood. So many times I have felt like I was going through some of what he went through. It was like somehow I had to to understand his pain and fear and to know the depth of his love for me and mine for him. Then yesterday out of the blue I had an anxiety attack and I knew right then that I never had any real idea of the scope of our problem. I know why I couldn't handle the situation on my own and why I felt so much like I had failed him. It breaks my heart to know that even with me there and knowing how much I loved him that he felt so alone when those attacks came. I'm not sure why this is coming at me now but I have a good idea. For this past 7 years sense losing him it has been as if I were holding my breath. Afriad to really live or be happy and above all else afraid to even think about caring for another man. I have filled my life with work. I dropped back to my old habits of running away from my pain by buring myself in work. There are so many things that I take pleasure in doing but I get so caught up in them that they bocome work instead of pleasure. I have lived here for two and a half years. Then out of nowhere one of my neighbors and I started getting to be friends. didn't see it coming at first, but it has grown to be more than just a casual friendship. We really do care for one another but I am really not sure what thet means to either of us. We tease and flirt and above all we talk. I can talk to him much like I did with Johnny. He has so many of the demons and wonderful rustic charicturistics that Johnny did. It is obvious to both of us that we are more than just friends and that is where my problem lies. I'm scared and I feel guilty. I know Johnny would never want me to grieve my life away but would he want me to have another man in my life? We had lived seperate lives for so long then had such a short time together. I feel so disloyal just thinking about someone else much less caring about him. The other major problem is that he is younger than I am. Maybe 10 years ago that wouldn't have mattered but what about now? I don't feel too old, God in some ways I feel younger than I ever have. Still I can see in the mirror. I can see the wrinkles and the grey hairs and the 50 pounds I am trying to lose. Still there is something there. I can see it in the way he looks at me, but what if I am wrong. What if this is all just a way to cope with these heart wrenching memories. How could anyone feel that way about a person who had so much of her taken away 7 years ago? I don't know why I feel the need to ask you all about this. There is only one other person or maybe two that I can share this with. My best and most understanding friend I met here on this board and we have shared much. Maybe that is why I feel that the answers are here. I just don't know what to do. Should I back off or go for the chance to have more to my life than sewing and sitting around with a bunch of people who are for the most part 20 years older than I am? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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