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I am NOT suicidal but I just don't want to live.


aharton

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It has been 8 months since my husband passed away from lung cancer. I can't believe I have made it for 8 months without him. Some nights I wake up and think he is still in the hospital and he will be home soon. He was going to have his lung removed and then I was going to take care of him. I never had the chance to say good-bye. Never once did I think that he would not be returning home with me. He had part of his lung removed 3 years ago and then he came home, I took good care of him and he returned to work! I would give the world to hold him just one more time. This New Years Eve we would have celebrated our 20th wedding anniversity. I don't see this pain ever leaving me. I have never been so alone in my entire life. I did not realize how much I really loved him until it was too late. I have so many regrets. Regrets that I did not appreciate him enough while he was with me. I feel that I took him for granite. Does anyone else feel like I do?

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Hang in there. I didn't loose a husband but I did loose my mother 15 1/2 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. My parents were married 51 years and the first year without Mom was beyond horrible for him, but he is slowly learning to live again. He hasn't forgotten her or anything like that and he still has his bad days, but he is alive and slowly learning how to live alone. I can't imagine your pain but want you to know that you are not alone.

Take care, deep breaths and let the regrets go, they don't help.

Patty

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My wife died in the middle of the night in a hospital with out me there! We did not say good bye We said i love Ya and I will see you in the Morning.. That did not happen. This was 3 weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary and she was 49.

Sure I was mad. Put holes in walls that are still there. Almost tried to put my hand through my front door. Those things are steel by the way and they hurt like a S.OB.!!! Spent a Monday morning drinking and planning a funeral and writing an obituary. That's a witch when your drinking at 7 am!!! That was my January 23rd 2003 story..

Long story short I have been up and I have been down. The cashiers in my grocery store used to have to help me out cause of the great memories and I used to break down in tears walking through the store!!

Fought tooth and Nail to stay out of the bottle daily for months with help from friends here!! These folks are great Can help a lot.

Here is a little something that I did for months and do sometimes still. Talk to your husband. Sounds crazy but it might work. Just go outside whenever you want and talk to him. He is right above you. He can hear everything you say. Get all this out of your system. Tell him exactly how you feel. Yell at him for doing this to you. Whatever is on your mind. Tell him the car wouldn't start this morning or Ya cant find your car keys. Point is talk to him and tell HIM these things. Get it all out of your system. I tell everyone here the same thing so they can attest to it!!

Second thing You can do is ..... THROW EGGS!!! Pick up a dozen at the store. take em outside and throw them at a tree or a fence! Yell and let all your anger and frustration out of you when you do this . Throw them with Emotion. and all your strength. But THROW THEM.....

You are not alone by a long shot! Take a look at the Obituary section in here and see how much we deal with this. I have been here for 7 years and can tell ya I have lost a lot of friends around the United states and some abroad as well. Cried for a lot of people in 7 years. Understand exactly what you are going through. The founder of this site lost both parents...

I hope the sun comes out for ya this AM and the moon shines brightly tonite. Many hugs and Prayers for you...

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Unless you have been here awhile you don't know my story. It is a long one and I won't go into details now. I will just tell you that my Johnny was my first love and after over 40 years apart we found one another again. It took a while to get together then we had 5 short months together.

Those 5 months consisted of nearly 2 months total in the hospital and another 2 months of fighting not the cancer but anxiety and panic attacks. When he died I didn't see it coming. I was with him and never got to say good by.

The pain and anger nearly destroyed me. I didn't want to live but didn't have the courage not to. It took me nearly 2 years to start to be a part of the world again. It took much longer to let myself really live and feel things again. I can't tell you when things will be better for you. I can't tell you that the pain will ever really go away. It just becomes a part of you that you learn to live with.

It has been nearly 7 years sense I lost him. I am just learning to live again. I think I have been running away from myself and life. I don't think my Johnny would want that nor would your husband want to see you buried in pain. Still I think they understand and will be there always to guide us. In the mean time the people on this board are so full of love and understanding that we can all reach out and try to sustain you until that terrible knawing pain starts to ease.

You like so many others here will be in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you. (((Hugs))) Lillian

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I didn't lose a spouse so I can't say I know how you feel, but in a way I do. I lost my Mom 8 months ago, out of the blue. She had congestive heart failure for years and she was in the hospital, just in for another tune up. Then we found out on Saturday she had MRSA (staph) the doc's put her on IV antibiotics and said we'll know more in the morning. The next morning when I went in her mind was gone and she was slipping into a coma, she died a few hours later. Why didn't I stay at the hospital that night? Why didn't I get her into the hospital sooner? Why's don't get me anywhere and Mom would kick my a**. But some days I don't want to live anymore either, life seems just so flat and pointless. But every now and then I am starting to have a good day here and there. I have even caught myself talking to Mom and laughing about something. So some days are getting better. Nobody has yet to tell me anything that makes the pain better, except "I understand".

(((Hugs)))

Dana

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I am so sorry. The "lonley" comment struck me.

When I feel lonely without my mom, I found that doing what she loved to...in mom's case garden...I feel close to her. It's hard to explain. It just makes me feel a little less alone.

The hurt doesn't go away...I don't imagine it will, but you will reestablish the order in your life...I can't explain how it happens...it just does.

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My husband died almost 2 years ago. I was suicidal for a little over a year. Now, I am feeling life creep back in. The raw new pain feels like it will last forever, but it doesn't feel that way now, I just have a deep deep sorrow. The regret and guilt I felt are getting to be less, but it takes a while. You are not feeling anything abnormal, you are desperately grieving. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.

Barbb

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Yes, I know exactly how you feel. It's only been a few days for me yet I feel like I want to just lay down and die myself. My husband and I also got married on New years eve. We quickly realized it wasn't a good choice of days because the whole world celebrated that day and we couldn't go out. But that was okay with us actually because he preferred my cooking anyway.

But, I agree the pain is unbearable. I spoke with a minister while my husband was on hospice and I asked him what God's view's on suicide was. I was actually considering it at one point and he told me that is the "one" unforgivable sin and that I would never join my husband in heaven. So, that entire thought left my mind immediately. I want and will do anything to be with him again and ending my life would eliminate that forever. It's not a chance to take.

I will forge on....with my husband's strength. I know in my heart that he would want me to continue to fulfill God's purpose and be happy.

((((HUGS))))

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My heart and prayers go out to all of you. I thank everyone for their kindness and advice. I wish I could give all of you a great big hug. I pray that God lifts some of this pain that I know we all have to go through. Most of all I am looking forward to the day that I will see my husband again.

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hey I cant wait to see my late wife again either but....

I hope you stick around and let us try and get You out of this dark place !! We have all been there and are still here fighting..Its a tough road to walk I wont lie but it can be done. You need friends and support.. I have been wondering bout you and hoping things get a little easier for you. Again it takes time and strength.

I suffered for sometime with this and I know many folks here who also have suffered this great loss. I can tell you of a GREAT Number of people who have been friends here who have passed away from LC in almost 7 years.

I hope you stay and post away here! It will help some knowing that folks do care about people and friends who have lost loved ones to LC!

My thoughts and Prayers for You today and every day....

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I'm so sorry. I know what grieving is like and what it's like to not want to live a life without the person you love in it...but we think about how they would feel...the second worse tragedy to come from their death would be for you to be lost as well. Your husband wouldn't want that...he'd want for you to live.

We are all here for you. I pray that one day memories will bring you comfort instead of pain and that you will know peace and joy again.

Hugs,

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