the greediness of others

[shelliemacs]

I dont know how to handle this properly. So before I really blow up I am looking for really good advice.

Mom passed in August, August 15 to be exact. Since that day I have taken care of my 58 (not old by any means) year old step-father. Not taking care of in the sense that he needs to be fed or anything like that but, by the way of company and noise in his house and life.

My mom had two daughters me and a older sister. Christmas day my step father parted (very painfully too) with some of moms things for the first time since she passed. He gave us both a diamond ring (me her engagement ring and sis her wedding set) diamond earings (me a pair I used to sneak out of moms jewelery box and sis beautiful cluster ones) and a diamond pendant (mom had 3 on 1 chain and he gave us each one and the only grandaughter one) no my step dad spoiled mom rotten with jewelery so this was not all she had.

other family members (1 niece in particular) was given a silver chain of moms needless to say she was very unhappy with this gift and fealt since she was moms sisters daughter she should have been given a more expensive peice of moms jewelery and be able to pick which one she wanted since she was the oldest niece in the family. She didn't say anything to my stepfather but called both me and my sister today (12/26) complaining of how selfish and greedy she now thought my stepfahter was being and how she no longer fealt sorry for him since she did not get what she thought she deserved. She followed that up by saying that we (sis and I) were getting jipped out of moms other more expensive jewelery and If my step dad ever meets someone again we better make sure we get in and get whats ours. Also my step father had all the family over to the house about 1 week ago to help with feeling festive during such a sad time even though he wasn't feeling well. I as well as my sister over heard two nephews of moms (just happen to be the above nieces brothers) talking about what their going to take when my step dad passes away (could be 30 years from now) and then fought over certain things

Now my sister and I were overwhelmed with the generosity of what we got and didn't feel we needed anything to remember our mom and tried all day to convey that to my step dad. He just got out of the hospital after suffering from pneumonia as well so he isn't feeling the best. We did tell him what these ungrateful/greedy cousins said only so he would never feel obligated to or just give any of these 3 anything again.

should I start the ball rolling and comfront these cousins with the anger I have inside or chalk it up to stupid jackasses that they are.

someone please tell me the mature thing to do cause Its hard not to snap and rip all their heads off.

[MO_Sugar]

I am so sorry you have to deal with unfeeling, ungrateful people in addition to the rest of getting on with life.

I would tell them that they should be happy with what they have received and you will be sure that since it wasn't good enough for them that your Step Father will not make the same mistake again by trying to give them something. When my Aunt and Uncle passsed away several years ago I received a package from one of his nieces full of pictures of people I didn't know, broken costume jewelry and copies of newspapers that were torn and ragged. I just chalked it up to her being an idiot. I have my memories of my Aunt and Uncle and that is all I needed.

Prayers that you will have an easy time dealing with these folks (or NOT dealing with them).

God Bless,

MO

[DeanCarl]

Shelly,

Since all three of these clowns come from the same family I'd bet dollars to doughnuts the problem runs a lot deaper then a few pieces of jewelery. It sounds like those folks were taught from an early age that the only way to value the worth of anything is with a dollar sign.

Given that it probably won't make a bit of difference what you might say to them. But the bright side, for you, of all that is they will most likely go through the rest of their lives being miserable and feeling the world is cheating them at every turn, never understanding it's their own behavior that is responsible for their unhappiness.

Now isn't that a pleasent thought?

So, if it were me, I'd just make sure your step Dad understands what gold-diggers these folks are, keep an eye out when they get around your step Dad, and enjoy the heck out of it every time I hear one of them complain about how badly the world is treating them.

Dean

[Tim'sKathy]

Dean....

God bless you ! That advice was the most perfect thing I have ever heard !

I had to deal with this from my stepsons...they feel they are "owed" something even though they were never there for their dad. But you are absolutely right in what you said..and I also firmly believe in "what goes around comes around !

Kathy

[peggy]

It's so sad when people add to your grief by turning into vultures when a death occurs.

Your step dad was your mom's husband, and he does NOT owe anything to anyone. Anything he chooses to give is a GIFT, and one doesn't complain about the size or value of gifts.

I had the same problem with one of my husband's daughters hounding me for money - the same daughter who offered him no comfort during his illness.

I would just ignore these people. Tell them if they aren't happy, to take him to court over it. That should shut them up. Hopefully it make them realize how classless they are, but I wouldn't count on it.

If they call you to gripe, just politely tell them you feel it's none of your business and you do not wish to discuss it.

[shirleyb]

Shelley,

I must say Dean is very good at putting into words what I feel also.

I guess I would take Dean's advise about letting your step dad know to lock anything of value up when they are around. It would not be the first time someone has been ripped off from ungrateful relatives. I know when my father died, a niece stole from my mother some very important items and then pawned them. With that said, just let you step dad know that even though they are relatives, somethings are never safe.

Remember how when Scroog(sp)died, they stole the bedclothes from his bed? That would be your cousins. Evil people they are.

I am thankful I have not had that experience with my family.

I guess I would be glad to know in my heart that I have not gotten down to the gutter level like they are. But I think Dean said it best.

I wish you well in dealing with this because I know it hurts your soul to find out that that is how they feel.

Take care,

Wishing you enough.....

Shirley

[Ry]

Dean's advice reminds me of the late Ann Landers who always advised people to take the high road. They are absolute clods without an ounce of social grace so anything you say would be lost on them anyway.

They aren't worth losing sleep over.

All the best to you. Your step dad sounds like he appreciates both you and your sister very much.

[gail]

My first reaction was to give it to them with both guns blazing. Then I thought rationally.

When I deal with people like that I think---would I gain from speaking to them? Would it benefit me to have a conversation, or should I just go and hit my head on a brick wall, because I know talking to them would just waste my energy, and it wouldn't do any good.

You know these people. Would it help you?

Remember the old Twilight Zone, where the farmer boy turned people into freaks, and then his mother told him to wish them out to the cornfield (make them go away)? That's what I do with people lilke that. I wish them out to the cornfield.

gail

Sounds like your stepdad is a very special guy. Were they married a long time?

[shelliemacs]

Thank you all so very much. I can't tell you how much sleep I lost last night playing a fictional fight out with them over and over in my head. I even made a list of things my step dad has done for these 3 over the years in case I needed to refer to it.

Dean, you turned a light switch on inside me and your Exactly right. I will chalk it up to that affliction that so many people in the world have now a days "dumb-*ss-assitis". I know the phone will ring again soon and I will tell them/her I just can't talk about this subject with you since your greedy glasses never come off.

this helped allot to vent here. I know my step dad was real hurt and his best friends and me and my sister spent hours with him last night telling him to write them off. My cousin also made the hurtful comment that even in death Aunt kay got the better grave. See my step dad decorated moms headstone with the most beautiful flowers and 2 little christmas stockings and a little 1 foot high christmas tree. while they stuck a pine tree branch in an urn by their moms and it died. (maybe their mom was so ashamed of them)

(I would still like to use the ammuntiion thought that my step dad paid for 2 of their weddings since their parents didn't have the money to do so and never took a dime of it back)

you all always help me so much. I thank you all for the very mature, calming advice.

[Fay A.]

Shelly,

That isn't "ammunition", it's the truth. I disagree with most everyone that you shouldn't speak to these ingrates. If your Step Father paid for their weddings (whether he was repaid or not) his generosity should be pointed out to them, POINTEDLY! They shouldn't be allowed to think that the things they are saying are acceptable to anyone. I doubt that anything you say would change these folks, but I would hope that after hearing how awful their behavior really is that they might at least tone things down a little bit so as not to hurt your StepFather, you and your sister anymore than they already have.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with people like this, but thank goodness that your StepFather has you and your sister...and that you have him.

I hope that the New Year brings healing and health to you all.

[natalie]

Shelly, I can't believe what these family members are saying actually... I can. I have an aunt who believes that I am poisoning my mother she also said that I don't love my mother and that I'm trying to kill her...just such awful, hurtful, unimaginable things (she thinks my mom just has mytes or microbes, whatever you want to call them). She has been an absolute nightmare. I have sent her doctors notes, she even talked to my mom's doctor but she is in denial. I have bitten my tongue so many times and it has hurt me so bad, but I took some time to think it over and decided to not address my aunt and I think it works in my favor that way. Her words dig deep in my bones and my gut and really give me anxiety, but it is an insult that doesn't deserve a response. It is a mental disorder. I may be wrong, but in my experience with stupid people, nothing you say is going to make them go, "you know, she's right" instead most people get defensive when approached and act like the victim...that is going to be even make you more mad. I think it says a lot more to say nothing. I realize the people that say the least happened to be more balanced. I'm usually a confronter and I notice I rarely feel better after confronting someone...so I've tried a different approach. I actually sent that aunt a Christmas card and wished her the best even though it took every ounce any kindness I have in my body. All that matters to me right now is what my mom, Dad and husband think. Has this whole experienced opened your eyes or what!? I thought I'd have this unbelievable amount of support (which I have) but there is always someone that manages to make the situation worse. These type of people are selfish people who have no clarity of what is important in life. Shelly, I am so sorry you had to hear that horrid conversation between your cousins. I would cut them off until you are a little more emotionally able. You have too much to go through right now. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Laurie]

Shelly,

Oh how awful for you.. Do what you feel comfortable with, you don't need to be in a bad state.. lossing your Mom is so painful and it is your call ... if it makes you feel better tell them off, I only care about you and your health and happines..

What would I do?.... Well I'm not in that situation and I'm not clear on all the facts... not being there of course but... I believe in accountability for actions.. not harming others and being respectful. If I wrong someone I expect them to tell me so I can learn from my mistakes.

Bless you

Laurie

[Ann]

So sorry you are dealing with this but rest assured that it is more common than not. Most families have members that are greed motivated and always looking for something it everything to benefit them. Dean is always full of such great advice. Maybe he shold be the Boards official "Andy Landers." What do you think Dean????

The real key answer here is...do whatever is going to make you feel good. Some people...like me...have to speak their mind in order to deal with things and get it off their chest. Others are able to "turn the other cheek" and let things pass quietly and peacefully. If you feel this is something you need to vent with your relatives, by all means do so! There is no right or wrong approach to this situation. You and your sister have lost a mother. The others have lost an aunt. There is a world of difference!!! You need to do whatever it takes to make you feel better about the situation. Everyone needs to remember that technically everything now belongs to your step father and is his to do with as he sees fit. I admire you for being so close and helpful to him and I am sure he is very grateful! Please don't feel you are the only one that is dealing with this. I think most of us have been there! (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[Carleen]

Shellie,

I am so sorry you have to deal with this stress on top of the already overwhelming emotional burden of your grief.

I just can not believe the insensitivity and greed of some people.

I agree with Dean, that voicing a protest would do little to change the ingrained character flawes of these people. But on the other hand, you know what... I don't give a d_mn about them, about improving them. What I care about is you. What would make you feel better and more at peace. What do you feel would benefit your father and your sister? Follow your heart and you will never go wrong.

I normally am an non-confrontationalist, and when I am face to face with someone, especially when it is about a subject I am emotionally passionate about, I tend to be unable to find the words, or to state eloquently what I know to be a good arguement. If you are not confortable with talking to them, maybe put down your feelings in a letter. That way, you can get your feelings off your chest, and whether you decide to send it or not, you can determine that later.

I personally, find your cousin's behavior particularly egregious. Where do they get the idea they are ENTITLED to ANYTHING. I have had the misfortune of losing a few aunts and uncles, and have never received anything in way of inheritance or anything. Nor, did I expect to. I am extremely close to my whole family. My father's family, who had 13 brothers and sisters, were also close and I grew up living within 3 miles of all my aunts uncles and oousins. I would see them at a minimum of once a week. We were very close. Yet, when I lost an aunt and an uncle both to lung cancer, there was no hint o rmention by anone in the family that assets should be split up.

How course and ignorant the behaviour of these people who feel owed for being allowed to share in the life and love of such a beautiful person as your mother. I know that I would not be able to contain my disappointment in someone who should be there as a support to you and your family at such a time. How truly shallow that your cousins can not see the sentimental value of their gift rather than it's cash value.

I can tell that this weighs on you, and although I agree with Dean that it will do them little good, I also agree with Fay in that, I feel they do need to know that their behavior will not be tolerated and endured by your family. Although you can do nothing about their feelings and greed, you can do something to protect your own feelings and your father's added pain by seperating yourself from them until the point at which they are ready and mature enough to put aside their petty squaking and appreciate the gift they were given from the start. That gift was a life of memories and love given by a truly wonderful woman, and a generous and loving family. They should be happy with that and nothing more, because it is more than so many in this world know.

I am sorry for ranting on about this, but it really burns me. I can not stand when people do not appreciate and are not grateful for the gifts granted to them in the pure gift of life, love, family and friends. There is nothing in this world that can have a greater value than that.

All my love to you and your family Shellie,

Carleen