Is there something wrong with me

[ronvrens]

I am begining to think that there is something wrong with me. I always thought of myself as a toughy as I have seen enough grief, trauma and injury when I was a practicing paramedic.

Every time I go home and also when there are periods of no one around I just seem to fall apart and even have sort of mini panic attacks. This is especially when I am at our home in Durban. When i arrived on Thursday for the weekend I was saddened by the quiet and the lonliness. Everything seemed to improve when the family arrived on Friday but things reall fell apart on Sunday when they left. I could not stop thinking about Pat.

On Monday morning I got up early so that I could take the Jackal to the vet. As soon as we were finished I just went home packed my things and left. I could not bear to be alone in the house as I became too emotional. I do not want to go the medicine way to help me.

Can anyone offer any kind of advice or help

Thanks

Ronnie

[Joppette]

Ron, I debated being the first to respond here, as this is such a tough thing to address, since everyone grieves at different times and ways. But first thing I'd like to say is don't stop thinking about Pat. You loved her, and she loved you, and you keep her alive in your heart with your loving memories. The time will come when you will love those memories and they will comfort you.

I will say this, I've always thought to myself that if my husband died, I'd likely sell our home. It was our home, and I don't know if I could ramble around that place that was so much a part of "us" that it just wouldn't feel right for it to be just "me". Not suggesting such a drastic thing to you, but know that I've had those thoughts.

I'm feeling completely inept here giving you advice, but this helped me a lot when my parents and sister all died of cancer. They suffered so much. It broke my heart to see them suffer like that. As much as I missed them, I was thankful that their struggles were over. And I believe they are in a better place and I look forward to the day when I'm able to have a joyous reunion with them.

I'll think on this some more and come back and see if I can offer something better than this feebe attempt.

HUGS!!!!!!

Judy in MI

[Joppette]

By the way, what you are feeling? Nothing wrong with you buddy. This is completely normal, so don't worry about that.

[RandyW]

Ron You have suffered a traumatic and sudden loss!! There is nothing wrong its just the grief !! It is good to be able to get away but when You get home the memories and emotions kick in and the reality sets in!! You all alone in the house with your furry companion and that's it! No one else! there is nothing wrong with you I don't think its just you have to let everything out when it hits you. scream yell throw eggs at trees but let it out and get it out and eventually it will help. I have been through this 4 and a half years ago and am still here helping out because of that!! Talk to your wife under the stars and tell her how mad you are and how much you love and miss her. Go to the cemetery and take flowers ! Its just how you deal with it all right now ! but let the emotions work and the grief out don't keep it bottled up inside . You will go crazy and don't fall into a bottle of alcohol. BAD thing right there!!

[eric byrne]

Hi Ronnie,

I am really sorry to read about how you are feeling at present,I really wish I had the wisdom of Solomon,to offer you words of comfort to ease your pain.What really cheered me was reading of your night out with family and friends on Sunday,and made me realise,if you can rise to these occassions and thoroughly enjoy youself,I am not an expert, but I think you are going to be fine,I would have been more concerned if you were unable to participate on these special occassions.You mentioned,your reluctance to go the medication route,you have paramedic experience,should a patient not have the medication they need at the time its required?.If an anti-depressent taken for the short term can help bridge this period of time why not use it.I would recommend a visit to your Doc to discuss your feelings,see what he suggests.There is another route which I am sure you are aware of ,that is grief councilling,sharing with someone can have positive benefits,it may not be an overnight success these things do take time.Being "Tough" is not a realistic atitude in dealing with emotional problems,no one is impervious to reactions to grieving,and as Judy was saying it is entirely individual how one reacts and copes,it is great you are able to share with us here,I do hope the buddies here can lighten your burden somewhat.Please look after yourself,you are not alone,we are all here thinking about you.God Bless.

[Annette]

I agree with everyone on this one. There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying and missing someone who meant the world to you. Some say - don't worry about it - you'll feel better one day at a time, one cry at a time, one family gathering at a time. As mentioned above - there is nothing wrong with getting some antidepressant - but honestly in your writing here it sounds like you are going through the grieving process - your own way - like everyone has to do when they lose something precious. Don't feel bad crying I think it's natural and believe it or not pretty thought cleansing. Whenever you feel better and start thinking of the good times - one less tear will have to fall - but until the thoughts iron themselves out - there is no harm in crying.

I hope you are feeling better one moment, one hour, one day at a time.

Annette

[RandyW]

My other thought is do you have a member of the clergy you can sit and talk with?? Might help also to get things out of the system for ya!! Hang in there your going to be fine Ronnie!!!

[Barb73]

Being alone in the house with one furry friend is where I am, Ron.

Lots of daiy crying has gone on over the past months, and inbetween - chores our of the house, family lunches, and get-togethers every now and again.

I have thought about selling the house - sooo many memories - so many things Bill repaired and accomplished around here over the years.

Remembering advice from "on high" from eons ago reminded me that making any large decision before a year is not recommended. I am holding fast.

Things are slowly - ever so slowly - coming together, and when and if I make a decision as formidable as that it will have been after much thought.

Tears are still a part of my existence, but I wouldn't trade them for never having known the love of my life. It's worth the pain.

Something tells me that you will be fine, dear Ron, ever so slowly, but surely.

Barbara

[Nick C]

Ron, so nothing wrong with you.

Everyone deals in different ways.

When I lost mom I started therapy just to deal with the flood of emotions I knew were going to come. At other times in my life I took medication to get through traumatic events.

Grieving is hard work and confusing. I remember leaving my office and getting in my car and driving trying to find...something...and I'd find nothing. I was aimless.

Such a tough time...it is...you aren't "expected" to be a certain way...not from any of us...and you shouldn't hold yourself to a certain expectation either. Everything you are going through is normal.

Hang in there friend.

[ronvrens]

To all

Thanks for the kindness and words of advice.

I have been doing a bit of soul searching and have come up with a few reasos I think that I am battling to come to terms with my grief

I have always been the "strong " one through all sorts of situations. This doesn't mean that I havent cried before.

I do not like being lonely. With Pat no longer my closest companion there is such a void that cannot be filed.

Although there are many people working with me that are friends they also have their own agenda and even my house mate comes home and is in bed early due to his work load.

So there is not much here to have a bit of socialising.

The previous site I was on , we had a fantastic crowd of friends and were always busy with some event or outing.

Here theres not much to do.

I am involved with the local Baptist church but even last night I had to cancel a group meeting due to work.

Working night shift is lonely due to the few people and also they are so busy and theres no time to sit and chat.

I don't consume much alcohol so a night out with the boys is to high on my agenda.

Pat and I loved each others company even when she was knitting and didn't say much due to the concentration required, but I think that maybe we were satisfied just being close.

I think that with time things will improve and I will look back and realise that the grieving was for the woman I truly loved.

[lilyjohn]

It has been a while sense I have come here to read and answer posts. Sometimes even now after nearly 8 years I have to step back and catch my breath. Yes that is right even now there are times that the grief actually seems to knock the wind out of me. Am I abnormal because of that, I doubt it.

As so many have told you grief does things to us that we just never expected. I always thought of myself as weak. During Johnny's illness and treatment, and even more so after his death, I began to realize just how strong I have become.

I think if we had to make a list of the hardest thing we would ever have to do in our lives grieving would be at the top of that list. It takes all forms and it comes at all times. Each of us react differently.

My story is a lot different than most as many of the people who have been around a while will know. Still the intense grief was so bad I thought I would go out of my mind. Unlike most of you I lived away from my family and Johnny and I had not married after finding one another again. I grieved because he was gone and I grieved for all we had missed over the years of seperation. I also felt as if I had let him down because he felt that our finding eachother was because I was sent to save him.

I had to move just 4 months after his death. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to work and I felt so alone where I was. It was very hard for me to move. Unlike you I couldn't leave our home. I would go out and get a short way from home and turn around. I had to stay in the place where I had been so happy for such a short time. As I would walk the rooms he was everywhere but he was not there. The pain of that was like some wild animal eating it's way from the inside out.

I moved twice within the first year of his death. The second move brought me up here to Northern California and a little town named French Gulch with a population of only 35 or less. I chose to take several months off and not work. I had no tv intentionally and spent hours each day just meditating and walking my dog. It was so beautiful and serene there that slowly I began to feel a little peace. I spent months reliving my life and coming to terms with other losses that I had never dealt with. I wrote my whole story. At first it was to be just the story about Johnny and I finding one another again but it turned out to be pretty much my life story. It was very painful and very time consuming but above all it helped me to start to feel like there was still a place in the world for me.

As for medication I chose not to take any for several reasons, I felt they had been the main cause of Johnny's death at the time and I had to deal with the problems many of those drugs had caused. I also had no insurance and couldn't afford the medication nor a therapist. As it turned out that was the best thing for me personally. For others it would not be.

I took a long time to get rid of the anger, anger at myself, the doctors and Johnny's family in some cases and even God. I knew that to be a major part of grief and in time I worked my way though both the grief and the guilt. Yes guilt too is a major part of grief, no matter how much we do or how much we give there is always something that causes at least a little guilt and in the grieving mind it becomes magnified.

Enjoy what you have in life now. Grieve in any way you need to and never think it is wrong or that you are weak. Your life just changed forever. Not a temporary change but a permanat one and it will take time to adjust. As a primary caregiver you will feel the loss of not only the person but the job of caregiving. You are no longer needed for that and it too will seem strange and hurt for a while.

Give yourself over to the grief the anger and even the guilt once in a while. Have a good cry. Don't buy into that myth that storng men don't cry. It takes a much stronger person to admit that they hurt than one to deny it. In the mean time you have many friends in this special " family" who will be here for you.

[lilyjohn]

I meant to say the population of French Gulch was around 350. Now I live in Redding CA at the northern end of the Sacramento Vally. I am retired and live in Senior housing. I have found a way to be useful and give to others what I can in my work around here volunteering to help my neighbors and on this board once in a while inparting my words of experience if not always wisdom.