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Mom's in hospice...finally time to write again


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My dear friends of cancer,

I have sat down a number of times to write this but couldn't seem to complete it. As I check in often throughout the day and night, I struggle to find the words to express myself.

I suppose I'm writing now because I need your support and long to feel connected.

I want to write my mom's detailed account down but don't know that I can give it justice right now, instead I'll give a brief summary and work up to the rest. Please look at the signature below to see current status.

As some as you may remember, my mom was experiencing severe (scary) vision trouble a few months ago. They tested her and tested her and still she came back clean. On February 19th, test results came back that indicated that my mom had spinal and brain cancer. Because she was not eating and feeling horrible, we went to the emergency room. Because there had been weeks and weeks of suffering, she was admitted to the hospital on February 22nd. Additional tests came back indicating tiny tumors throughout the spine and brain. At this point in time, she was given 4 - 6 weeks; they said months would be generous. After one last final high dose treatment of radiation to brain and spine, she moved to hospice February 26th. I know no one has any precise date for death but wanted to make her the most comfortable I could.

The next four days were the worst she has ever experienced. I don't know if it was the radiaiton, the diagnosis, and/or the cancer. I believe she heard her prognosis, thought she should lay down and die, saw death, and spat in its face!

As she had family coming out, she rallied. Her meds got regulated and she's been talking her fool head off and eating like there's no tomorrow since. :D

The hospice has been phenomenal. I can't say enough (I'll be more specific later). We have had family and friends there every day since she moved in. I took leave off of work indefintely (a legal right by the way).

After a strong week or progress, I have seen her decline a bit. She has lost control of her bladder and is starting to lose control of her bowels. Her sight today got worse and she is starting to have headaches. She also struggles with some mental confusion. For the first time since her diagnosis, however, her depression seems to be at bay.

I know I am leaving out the diagnostic specifics. It is just too much to go into right now. I just wanted to check in and hear any helpful suggestions and I guess get a little support.

We have been taking pictures and I plan on posting hers as soon as I get them back. I would like you all to see my beautiful mom, even more so now.

As many others have said, this site has been so helpful. I don't post often but read daily. I take the words back to her and find comfort (and at time sadness) in the stories and faces.

I feel like I am a drum and am wound up so tight. I have just been tooling along and am waiting for the crash. I just can't seem to let myself go there.

Please pray for God's grace for all of us here,


P.S. If I haven't posted my mom's details yet but you are experiencing or a loved one is experiencing something similiar, please feel free to pm me.

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Dear Jenny,

My heart is breaking now for our dear friend Judy..As I sit here and shake my head in disbelief, I remember when I first joined last year your mom was one of the first to answer some question I had...Please dont give up hope, doctors have been known to be wrong many times.. Your mom is here now so just enjoy her..

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Dear Jenny-

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. Hospice can be quite a comforting place. We placed my mom-in-law in hospice and they were so wonderful to her and our family. It was a very warm and cozy atmosphere and you should take part in all the counseling they have to offer. I know you are overwhelmed right now - It is so much to take in and absorb.... Just know I am praying for your entire family. Love, Sharon

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Hi Jenny,

I am so sorry for what you are going throught right now. I've followed your Mom's story and was hopeful that she'd win this battle. I don't really know what to say except that I am heartbroken by your news. This brings back memories of when my Dad was in hospice. Please do not give up hope but at the same time prepare for any eventualities. I can tell that your Mom is a beautiful person inside and out. She is very lucky to have you as her daughter. When my Dad was in hospice we kept telling him how much we love him. When he passed away my grief was somewhat eased by the thought that he knew that he was very much loved by us till the very end.

Your Mom will be included in my prayers.

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Jenny, I am so sorry that your mom has taken such a turn, and that she has had to suffer so much. I am also sorry that you and your family have to watch her. It is good that you have all been able to be with her and that hospice has been such a help. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear mother. Deb

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