why losing a partner/soulmate is different

[lilyjohn]

Shirley I understand only too well about those aniversaries. I know that we face many during the year like birthdays, holidays and other things that seemed small at the time. Then there are the BIG ones. The hardest for me was the aniversary of Johnny's death and the days leading up to it. Then of coarse there was Valentines Day, The day we were to be married. It has been nearly 17 months and I still can't stand to see a valentine or a box of candy.

Losing anyone we love is the most terrible thing we will ever face. I've lost both parents and 3 brothers and numerous other family members and friends. Each time they left a part of themselves with me and took part of me with them. I don't even want to imagine the horror of losing a child or grandchild.

Losing you soul mate/ love of your life is far different for many reasons. We share our hearts, minds, souls and bodies. We also share our hopes beliefs and dreams. Then suddenly find ourselves facing life alone. I know it was sudden for me but even had I suspected that it would end so quickly I don't think some things would have been any easier or would be now.

There are just so many feelings that you don't have when you lose someone else. There is the feeling of being adrift in the world alone. All of your dreams and plans are gone. It is as if there is no steady ground beneath your feet. I lost all sense of direction and all purpose for my life. There is no one to share the secret little jokes that you had. No one to just reach out and touch you for a brief second in that special way that says "I love you".

Every little thing makes you want to run to your loved one and share it but there is no one there when you try. They are everywhere but they are not there. You see them every place you look but it is only in your mind because you know that you are alone. The hardest part is the waiting. At first you find yourself waiting to wake from the worst nightmare of your life. Even when it finally sinks in that you are awake and the nightmare is real you still wait. I find myself waiting for his voice or the sound of the nebulizer running. I wait for a touch or the feel his arms around me at night. I wait for a million little things and no matter how much time passes I find myself still waiting.

Maybe I am just waiting until I can join him then again maybe I am just waiting to find a way to really feel alive again. A way to live without the rest of myself. The part of me that was only alive with my Johnny.

Life can be so full of pain but there are some pains that seem almost more than we can stand. Losing the one person that defines your life is the hardest of all.

[Debaroo]

Thank you so much for giving me a glimpse of what my mother is going through...I am ashamed to say that I could not have that vision, I guess I try not to see it-because it hurts to much...but here I am, crying as I write this, crying for you, crying for my mom and the loss that you both have had to experience. I know that she wants so much to share it, but it is hard...and I feel so badly that I try to avoid going to deeply into the subject with her-its too scary... Thankyou so much for the insight. I think my mom and I need to have a talk. Take care, Deb

[shirleyb]

Lillian,

Thank you for sharing this. You have such a way with words, that I could never explain it. The void that is left from Randy's passing is so very different than the void that was left when my father died.

The both hurt deeply, but you said it best I think.

Thank you for caring and sharing.

Much love,

Shirley

[J.C.]

Thank you Lily,

You express so well the feelings of losing a love partner

that we can relate to all you say.

Your words, the sincerity and openness of your post is

just perfect.

Thank you again.

J.C.

[kimblanchard]

These are the same things I have been thinking about. My husband is very sick. For now, I just try not to think about it so much, enjoy every day, thank God every day that he is here today. Of course I do still know how real it is. I have no idea what I shall do. I just tust that there must be a reason for things. And sometimes I think it might not be so long before I join him. At least for him, it will be the blink of an eye.

[cathy]

Lily,

I cant say I know your pain, but I understand that it is soo very painful. I see my mom every day since she has been home from Florida and she is not getting better at all, as a matter of fact she is worse.. She says she doesnt care if she dies tomorrow and I believe her, my fear is she will die of a broken heart...All I can say is I am sorry for her for you, Shirley, Norme and all that have lost their true loves...Praying that somehow you can all find peace..XO

[Ann]

Words so well written, Lillian. The pain from losing a soulmate is really a deep wound that never completely heals. A spouse is so many things all rolled into one. Dennis was the love of my life, my best friend, my confidant, my buddy, my fishing partner, my sounding board, my strength, my guide, my critic...and more...all rolled into one wonderful, loving package! When we lose a spouse, we lose so many different people, none that can be replaced! I so long for the simple, quiet nights when Dennis and I did nothing special except share each others company. There was such a serene feeling that would come over me, just because he was there . There will always be deep holes in my heart that will never be filled until I am once again with Dennis.

[Candy]

Its true Lillian - nothing changes your life as much as the death of your partner. The void left by the death of my parents is huge. The void left by my loss of Hugh is greater. Every single aspect of your life is different. Every single day something happens that reminds me again of how alone I am. One example is recently I have made plans to attend my son's graduation from Tech school in the Air Force. I attended his Boot camp graduation with a friend and my daughter-in-law but it was still important to me to attend this second graduation. I asked my sister to travel with me, my daughter-in-law, my sister-in-law, my oldest son. Each had a reason why they couldn't go. All very good reasons, but wow, it really drove home the fact that I am alone. I am not the most important person in anyone's life. Oh, I am important to many people but not THE person who someone else makes plans with, arranges their schedule with, wants to be with more than anyone else. I may be invited to share my children's travels and vacations and I may accept and enjoy myself, but if I have the want to travel somewhere chances are it may not be convenient for anyone. I just kept thinking if Hugh were here we would have booked our trip together and been so excited. Well, I am terrified, I am not looking a bit forward to it but I AM going back to Texas because I WILL see Jeremy graduate from this last phase of his training. He will have at least one family member there to show support. I will remember every single minute that I am so very alone. And as anyone who has lost a partner knows, that is just one small thing. All of the other things that we all take for granted - dinners at the table (I now stand at my counter and eat), someone to share our daily triumphs and sorrows. It is a very lonely life.

[Guest]

Lily,

I agree ---well spoken. My thread I hold onto is that my husband and I were able to enjoy twenty years together and I am so grateful that I have those twenty years and each day we have now. I am happy that I found a soulmate. I have so many friends that have never experienced true love and on top of that, have gone through painful, angry divorces.

[Fall54]

Lillian,

I did not lose my 1st husband to LC but in a car accident . He was 29 and I was 28. We had two sons aged 6 and 8 months. It is different than cancer as it was so sudden but in reality the same. I lost the man I planned on spending my life with. You have described it to a tee. Yes, I was young then and I have remarried and have a husband that i truely adore and he adores me. I am blessed. I just wanted to thank you for describing the difference of losing your lifes mate vs. other people you love in your life. I also lost my Dad at an early age. He was 46 and I was 18. I come from a family of 5 brothers and 2 sisters and the pain my Mother suffered was different than the pain us kids did. She is now 78 and the most wonderful woman on Earth in my eyes , yet alone. Thank you again for your post and my heart aches for you. God Bless You.

[Guest peggyd]

You said it all in one sentence ... someone who defined your life. I lost my love, my best friend, my soul mate, my husband of 35 years three months ago. And yes, he defined my life. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know where I am going. Half the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I go through the motions, day after day, doing what I have to do, half a person. And alone. In a crowded room, I am alone. With my family around me, I'm alone. So many things I have to do now, things that we would do together or he would take care of, now I do alone. I miss him so much. He was my life. He did define my life. No one who hasn't suffered this type of loss could possibly understand. I couldn't understand when my mom lost my dad. I understand now. I pray for all of us who have lost someone especially to this b*stard of a disease. I pray for strength for us, courage for us to continue on. And I look forward to the day when I can join Mike, be with him again. Be a whole person once again. God bless us all.

[Guest peggyd]

You said it all in one sentence ... someone who defined your life. I lost my love, my best friend, my soul mate, my husband of 35 years three months ago. And yes, he defined my life. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know where I am going. Half the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I go through the motions, day after day, doing what I have to do, half a person. And alone. In a crowded room, I am alone. With my family around me, I'm alone. So many things I have to do now, things that we would do together or he would take care of, now I do alone. I miss him so much. He was my life. He did define my life. No one who hasn't suffered this type of loss could possibly understand. I couldn't understand when my mom lost my dad. I understand now. I pray for all of us who have lost someone especially to this b*stard of a disease. I pray for strength for us, courage for us to continue on. And I look forward to the day when I can join Mike, be with him again. Be a whole person once again. God bless us all.

[peggy]

Lily that is so true. I lost both my parents, but losing my husband was not the same.

Although I loved my parents and grieved deeply for them, I didn't live with them, my future was not with them, my LIFE was not with them.

The loss of a spouse is the loss of everything you hoped and dreamed and planned. I lost my best friend, my confident, my strength, my partner, lover and family. I feel like I have no home now, because HE was my home.

I didn't understand this until it happened to me, and having well-meaning people say "I know how you feel. I lost my mother/father." I know they were trying to comfort me, but I wanted to scream "It's NOT the same!!"

To everyone else, my husband's death is ancient history after 4 years, but to me it's a struggle every day to cope with this loss.

[lilyjohn]

Peggy it is amazing that you read and responded to this post today of all days. It has been a while sense anyone has responded and I thought that no one was reading it any more. The reason that it amazes me so much is the timing. For months I have been writing the story about mine and Johnny's relationship and his death. Today I was writing about my emotions sense his death. I was trying to find additional words to try to explain it to someone who has no real way of understanding.

Because I have had such a response to this post I want to share a few lines of what I wrote today. I think that all of you here can relate.

"It is so hard to try to put the emotions that I have been through into words. There are days still when those emotions overwhelm me and I am almost paralyzed, unable to do anything more than relive them all.

I think I will try to explain by using something that any mother should understand. When you are pregnant your every move is connected to your baby. You feed it through your body. You comfort it by rubbing your belly. You talk to that child inside of you while you are alone. You are no longer one person but two. Everyone who meets you views you as two people. Your attention as well as most everyone else's is focused on that unborn child. Being pregnant consumes most of your thoughts and energy.

When your child is born a change takes place. Not just physical but mentally and emotionally. You are relieved to be past the pregnancy and that your child is well and whole. You can relax because you no longer have the fear of uncertainty. Your pride in your child is enormous. Everything should be just great but that is not always the case. There are some who suffer from post partem depression. The feeling of being let down in some way. You and your baby are no longer the center of attention all of the time. Life goes on around you and you almost feel cheated in some way. You have spent nine long months wrapped in a world of you and your child. Now that world has changed. You are one person again instead of two. Some women handle it very well and those thoughts just streak across their mind and are gone. For others it becomes a major problem.

When you are caring for someone it is much like being pregnant. If that person is ill or has any kind of emotional problems your world becomes centered around their care. You cook for them and clean for them. You worry about their medications and appointments. You give them all of their emotional support and worry about finding ways to help them deal with whatever their problem is. It becomes a twenty four hour a day world that exists of little but you and the one you are caring for. In my case it was even more so because I was so far away from my family and because Johnny had no one else that he could turn to. No one to count on for any kind of support. I did everything for him. Not because I had to but because I loved him and wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to feel secure.

We were a team. Our love for each other made us like one person. When one of us suffered the other did. There was no me and no Johnny. There was only us. Then suddenly he was gone and I found myself totally alone. No one needed my care any more. There were no appointments to make and no doctors office to drive to. No medications to pick up or hand out. There were no anxiety attacks to talk him down from. There was no one to snuggle at night and no one to say "I love you". Everything that had been my world for five and a half months was gone. I was no longer the most important person in anyone else's life. I was alone and unneeded.

If pregnancy that culminates with the birth of a beautiful child can sometimes have such a devastating effect on someone try to imagine what losing your world can do to you. No one can truly understand what it is like until they have been there. There is no one to share with. Even the little things that seemed so unimportant before just point out that you are alone. You want to share them with the person you love but they are gone.

You don't ask for the sadness or the anger. You don't want to have your insides feel like they are being ripped open. Those things just become a part of you and you have to learn to live with them. It is not easy. Having someone tell you that you need to get over it or get on with your life is such a waste of time no matter how good their intentions are. They are only reinforcing what you know already. The problem isn't that you don't know. It is that you can't. You just simply can not go back to life like it was because that life no longer exists!"

May someday all of us know the joy of being with our true loves again. Lillian

[peggy]

We were a team. Our love for each other made us like one person. When one of us suffered the other did. There was no me and no Johnny. There was only us. Then suddenly he was gone and I found myself totally alone. No one needed my care any more. There were no appointments to make and no doctors office to drive to. No medications to pick up or hand out. There were no anxiety attacks to talk him down from. There was no one to snuggle at night and no one to say "I love you". Everything that had been my world for five and a half months was gone. I was no longer the most important person in anyone else's life. I was alone and unneeded.

Yes. This is why I hate coming to this board, but at the same time I love it. I cry every time I come here, but it's a relief to know that there are people who understand so very well what we are going through.

This time of year is very hard. For a whole summer, I watched my husband stuggle, fight and inevitably give in to this disgusting horrible illness that robbed him of everything before it took his life.

When my father died, I had my mother and my friends to turn to. When she in turn died, I had my husband's strong shoulder to cry on and the comfort of knowing that with him, life did indeed go on. When he left me, there was no one to turn to and the void he left can never be filled.

[lilyjohn]

I can't help but wonder sometimes if that gnawing in the pit of my stomache is not just the hunger of a lonely soul