it is not getting easier

[jjoan]

This is my first post to this site. But after reading some of the posts already here I thought it might be a good site to log on to.

My mother passed away on 6/7/04 and yesterday it was a month and it felt like only a day went by. I don't know how I wake up very morning without her. She was my true best friend and the day she died was the first day of my life that I didn't actually verbally speak with her. The days now seem to go by but as soon as I remember that she is truly gone (I try to forget most of the time) my whole life seems to come crashing down at that very moment. My husband thinks I am going crazy or actually that I just need to see a doctor but I can't get out of my own way never mind actually confront what I am actually feeling. My mother had lung cancer but when she died we didn't know it was near the end. I say this because my mother never had a lot of pain, what pain she had was taken care of with Tylenol. Don't get me wrong, after reading some of the stories about the pain level, I feel that actually someone was watching out for her and decided that she needed to go to heaven before the pain began but because there wasn't alot of pain and she seemed to be doing okay, we didn't know it was close to the end. I did tell her everyday that I loved her and I was with her all the time but she did die at night by herself and from what we can tell she got out of bed coughing up blood and died in the bathroom. I didn't know this was a risk and I thought I had read almost everything I could about this awful disease. If I had known I would have been with her 24-7 from the first day that she was diagnosed. Could any tell me if this gets easier and I'm sure it doesn't get easier but when do you seek medical professional help and when is it just normal grieving.

Thank you

Joan

[jamie]

Joan,

First off... so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose your best friend. My great grandma was my best friend and she passed last april. Its so hard, but it does get easier. Your mom is always gonna be with you, and keep talking to her. She hears you!

Jamie

[kimblanchard]

I am so sorry for your loss, Joan, but I hope you find some comfort from us. There are others on this path, none of us that want to be, but there can be some solace from the company.

I am a firm believer that there is no normal when it comes to grieving a loss like yours and like mine. I will tell you that for me it has gotten easier as the weeks have gone by. This weekend sucked, though. Most days are a little bit better than the one before, but not all days.

First, try to get over your guilt with not being there the last few minutes. There is assuredly nothing you could have done had you been there to preserve her life. Yes, you would have been there, and I know that would have been consoling for both of you. But as you said, your mother did not have to suffer the way far too many cancer patients do.

As for medical help, I am a big supporter of therapy. My daughter and I are starting family counseling. I don't know that we need it, but I also don't know that we don't. Therapy is not just for the crazy; it helps to have a little perspective and you can get that from someone outside. One of my best friends is a classmate of mine, and she had never met Becky. And she remains such a valuable resource for me. Because all of my family and friends are grieving for Becky, too. Because Deno never met her, she grieves as she sees my pain, but she is just a step more objective. And that has been a godsend for me. If you do not have someone who is somewhat removed, then a therapist can provide that for you. As can we, though we are not professional, to the extent that you are willing to come to us.

Warmly,

Curtis

[natalie]

Joan, I can empathize with you so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know I'm hurting so much still... it's been 5 months. It's like I constantly have to reprocess what has happened and sometimes I still find that I'm in shock. Like yesterday, I grabbed my cell phone to call my mom....and then I have to reprocess. I still cry almost every day, but I'm also someone that can get consumed with what's plaquing my mind, especially on my drive home alone...I'm working on that, ha! (I'm not good at trying to think of something else). I was on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds when my mom got sick just to help me get out of bed and be able to get to work and keep myself together for my mom and my job. It really helped keep me even-keeled and balanced. I have since gone off them and doing okay. My husband and I are starting to think about having children so that's the reason why I went off. I just try to take it one day at a time. I recommend at least talking to your doctor and seeing what he/she recommends. When I went to my doctor's appointment, I just sat there and cried and cried. She reassured me that my reactions were normal and kind of went through the process of grief with me. It just helped to have someone reassure me that it's okay for me to feel this and it's okay to be upset. (I grew up in a family where you have to show strength...crying is a sign of weakness.) I can't tell you how many times my Dad and I heard the words "Be strong" at my mom's funeral...hearing that was like someone taking their nails to a chalkboard. The doctor did explain to me that three of four months after my mom's death, I should anticipate "acute grief". I couldn't tell you exactly what that means, but I do think it started to hit me about a month ago. I have had two episodes of crying so hard I can't breath.

Anyways, I wanted to share my grief with you so you know that you are not alone in this. Feel free to pm me if you need to vent, feel "normal", etc.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It just sucks.

[Fall54]

Joan,

I also just lost a loved one, my Brother. We were as close as close can be. From the onset of his dx I was devastated. I could not stop crying, did not want to get out of bed, felt that the world had changed and would never be the same again. I recognised these signs as a major depression as I had never acted or felt this way before even after losing my husband when I was 28 and had 2 small children and ten yrs of marriage. I knew I needed professional help and made an appointment to get it. I was put on an antidepressent and it helped me so very much. You see I started my grieving from his dx and not his death. It was 5 months of greiving even with the medication but it was managable.

My Brother passed away June 11th and I am dealing with it the best way I know how and that is with the help of my medication, my family and my friends. Friends both here in in my real world.

Please see a DR and please continue to come here for support as we are a family here of people in all stages of cancer and loving caregivers. I am no longer a caregiver to my Brother but desire to help anyone that needs it here and in return that helps me.

God Bless You and your family,

Jane

[dbarbra123]

Dear Joan,

I know what you are going through. My wonderful father passed away on May 22, 2004 after a year of battling lung cancer. Although we knew he was sick, we still all believed that he would recover and survive. We all ( my sisters & my mom) did all we can as his caregivers to make sure he was receieving the best treatment and care as possible. But no matter how hard we tried or how hard he fought, he died still believing that he was going to get better. His death came fairly quickly and was still a shock to us all, but this has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It hurts so much and I miss him so much. The first month was really just a state of shock for me, just getting through the days and spending a lot of time with each other. But after the first month, you start to get back to your normal life and it hurts more each day. I keep hoping that it will be easier, but I never want to stop missing him. I hope with time the emptiness will be replaced by just fond memories and mising him, but I am not sure.

My father was the most kind, loving, caring, funny and sensitive man who cared so much for his family. I just wish that I will someday be able to relay to my children what a wonderful man he was. Always remember your mom for the good times and remember that its ok to be sad, but that she wouldn't want you to put your life on hold. She loved you and would not want you to be so upset, she is in a better place and will always be with you. That is what gets me through my worst times.

Barbra

[shirleyb]

Joan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is a very difficult time for you. As we walk this path we are on, we will find out things about ourselves that we didn't know before. We come to appreciate those we still have here more.

The love you have for your mother will always be with you. You will find yourself doing things your mother did and thinking to yourself, I am just like her. Take comfort in that. She gave you a very special gift in loving you and being your friend.

One day you will be able to smile when you think of her. It takes time for the pain to ease. Be good to yourself.

Many prayers and warm hugs coming your way.

Shirleyb

[J.C.]

Joan,

There is no remedy for grief, each is different but

days goes by and the souvenirs, the happy ones

are there and help us keeping on.

Wish you the best.

J.C.

[Andrea B.]

Dear Joan,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I lost my mom, who was my best friend and confidante, 3 months ago. Somedays it feels like the pain will never subside and I am not sure how to go on and then other days I actually find a little joy in life again. I believe that we follow our own paths of grief and no one can tell you what is right or wrong. Therapy has been a tremendous help for me. I feel it is a place that I can say whatever I want and never be judged (as long as you find the right therapist)...it is such a relief to have that outlet.

Please know you aren't alone...even though grief is one of the loneliest ventures in life. We are all unfortunately in the same boat and we can all help each other.

Blessings to you in the days ahead,

Andrea B.

[peggy]

Dear Joan,

It's only been one month, and denial, guilt, anger and grief and final acceptance are stages we must all go through.

You are NOT crazy, believe me. I lost my mother to cancer and my husband as well and I feel the pain of losing my husband will never go away.

It WILL get better, but don't rush it. Let yourself feel whatever it is you feel and don't let ANYONE tell you that you should be over it by a certain date. Doesn't work that way.

What I most highly recommend is a support group for people who have lost their parents. It won't make you get over your loss, or make your grief any less, but it WILL ease you to talk to other people who really do know what you are going through. At the very least, it will help you understand that your feelings are so normal.

Some things are too big to handle alone. I never thought I would join any kind of group, but in my desperation I called and it's one of the better things I did and really helped save my life. It's a relief to talk to people who know what you are saying, and I think YOU need to talk!

There are a few lines that I find so very touching and so very true:

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." Vicki Harrison