Depressed

[Angie]

I posted yesterday regarding memory loss and chemo and appreicate the responses - thank you! I called my dad's doctor and told the nurse about my dad being confused, nauseated, etc., which she said can all be from the chemo, BUT could also mean that the cancer has spread to the brain. She talked to my dad's doctor who said that he would like my dad in for a MRI ASAP. I knew my dad would be upset with me for going behind his back. He feels like he is treated like a baby sometimes. The nurse called him today and said I called with a few chemo questions regarding memory loss, etc and she said that the doctor would like to schedule an MRI... TODAY! My dad said absolutely not - for today anyway. I know he was caught off guard and when I visited him today, he said, "Well, there she is, the stool pigeon!" He was very cold to me and we didn't talk about it much. My mom gave me the look of "don't bring it up." She later said that my dad was very upset and that she'd call me later. My sister said that my dad said he wants to die. He was given 16 months and here were are....16 months. My sister emphasized that it's just an average, but he said, "Just look at me! How much longer do you think I'm going to last?" My mom BEGGED the doctor to give them a prognosis when he was diagnosed, so the doctor reluctantly told him. I have been in tears since I"ve been home....with a stiff drink in hand! I"m so depressed. My dad just isn't my dad anymore and, God, I miss him...My 12 year old daughter and husband have been wonderful, but just don't understand like all of you on this board! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I just needed to "vent".

I am so thankful for this wonderful site! God Bless you all!

[tnmynatt]

Angie,

Sorry you are depressed. I don't know if I can help very much. I think your dad is scared and angry..he is taking it out on you.

You obviously love your dad very much or you wouldn't be following up with the doctors for answers.

If your dad really doesn't want to keep fighting this disease, you will have to come to terms with this (somehow--I don't know how??) and find a way to respect his decision.

Hope I haven't made things worse. I am praying for you, your dad and your whole family. Take care.

[betplace]

Angie,

Of course you're depressed, but we all give you an A for effort. Katies words are very wise. In the meantime just hang on, some days I have lots of fight and some days I have not so much. I'm sure your Dad is the same. Is he on Anti depressants? are you?

Blessing

Betty

[babesdaughter]

It's so hard when you have almost a total role reversal with your parents. I had to do the same thing with my Mom and it is brutal. She was so furious with me when I first called the Hospice people....I had postponed it a week because she didn't want me to call them....finally just couldn't do it alone anymore.

Eventually, she thanked me for bringing them in to her life.....your Dad will come to realize that everything you are doing for him you are doing out of love and concern.

It's such a stressful time for everyone that things get misinterpreted and blown out of proportion so easily......

You know you're doing the right thing for the right reason.....that will get you through!

You're in my thoughts....

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

From one Angie to another..........believe me, I know how it is. I am in the same situation with my Dad. Dad's doctor wanted to do a CT of his shoulder on Sept. 21st for pain that he is having in his shoulder. While at the doctor's office, Dad said that was fine........that his pain wasn't too bad. Well, Dad lives with me and I know how his pain has been. I called the doctor's office as soon as we got home and DEMANDED a CT the next day. Dad was a little ticked at first, but after I talked to him he was fine. Actually, he was grateful. This is what I told my Dad........I told him that we HAVE to find out what is going on. If we know what we are facing, then we can fight it head-on. I told him that I would be there every step of the way. If we find out that his cancer has spread more, we will see what can be done about it. If he chooses to do more chemo, then I will take him and we will fight. If he chooses no more chemo, I will respect his choice. BUT, we have to find out what is going on.

I think that for my Dad it is hard for me being the one to take care and fuss over him instead of the other way around. I am an only child and Dad has always made a big fuss over me. In fact, there have been times that I've had to remind him that I am grown up now and can care for myself. He likes to have his little nose in everything. Maybe one of those heart to heart, daughter to Dad talks is in order.

I hope everything turns out o.k. for your Dad.

In my thoughts and prayers~~~

Angie

[Geoff]

Angie,

My heart goes out to you. I know that even though your dad is frustrated by this illness he knows that you love him, and that you did what you did out of love and concern.

Hang in there, your doing the best you can.

Prayers for you, your dad and the family,

Geoff

[-Cheryl-]

Angie my dear, you have every right to be depressed. You are grieving the loss of a father you had, but know that he is still here. Two days ago, I was in tears because My memory just failed me. I was absolutely speechless. I mean I zone out ad could say nothing at the hospitalwe deal with atwork. I mean, Who wants to have your professional opinion if you can't even remember your own name. I just told them I was sorry and explained that I was on chemo and could not think clearly." I cried myself to sleep that night. I had a bad headache, and was nauseated too. Today, I feel like my old self. Just know that chemo and lack of rest cause brain some pretty serious brain fog. Perhaps your dad has been effected by it too. I wish you all the best.

Cheryl

[karenl]

Hang in there, Angie. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now.

Karen

[ginnyde]

Angie,

The caregivers role is tough, not as tough as the patient by far, but still tough. A person you love is fighting for their life and we want them to fight even harder.

Sometimes I would get annoyed with Earl because I didn't think he was trying hard enough. When we are healthy and not sick and fatigued from all the treatments, it is easy to think that maybe they are not working hard enough.

I am sure your Dad is scared and has a little head in the sand syndrom. But maybe if you talk to your Dad like Angie did it might help.

[Snowflake]

Angie,

Face to face is not an option for you, my suggestion is to write down all of your thoughts and give your father a letter. He can read it when he's "up to it" and there's no name-calling or "looks"...

Start with the 16 months NOT being a "sentence" with execution at the end. It was wrong of your mother to push for a time limit with your dad in the room, but what's done is done. Stress to your father that if he were a "goner" in 16 months, he'd be feeling so much worse leading up to the 16 months...

Memory loss - my MRI was clean. It's not a growth in my brain that is causing my losses, it's the fact that the WHITE matter isn't working correctly. The gray matter is okay, still there, but the stuff that connects it and makes it work has been short-wired. My neuropsychologist feels that with intensive therapy, I'll be back up to 110% eventually!

Hang in there, Angie. Don't internalize and make the problem snowball in YOUR mental health. Breathe, relax...he'll 'get over it'...

Becky

[elnodel]

Dear Angie,

I have absolutely no informed advice to give you -- just lots of sympathy and encouragement. Seems to me that writing a letter is a great idea and just continuing to be there to let your father know how much you love him no matter what. Scared and depressed conflicting with being in denial sounds about right for where he's at right now, and, yes, the role reversal is terrible for the ego, particularly when he's so vulnerable right now. That 16 month time frame must have loomed large in his mind -- and getting over that hump may help him a bit, particularly if you can get everyone, especially your mom, to keep reminding him that he's gotten past that, so who knows what could lie ahead.

At any rate, you just to have take him, warts and all, as he is and let him know you love him and support him. Get your mom and sister on board and let them know what you've learned from this site. And don't give up. It's ok to be depressed but then you have to pick up and keep going.

Let us know how it's going.

Ellen

[MayFrog]

Angie,

so very sorry you're in this depression, I can only imagine how you feel. I can't offer any better advice than the others have given you, but I want you to know that you, your dad and your family are in my thoughts.

Hang in there,

Mary

[MJ]

angie,

i'm so sorry to hear that you are depressed. reassured, you are not alone. we all have our bouts. your husband and daughter sound very supportive, and you are so lucky to have them. but also remember that you are your father's daughter, and he so lucky to have you. i know that at times the rolls seem reversed since you're the caretaker now, and no matter how frustrated your father seems, know that he does appreciate your concern. i agree with the others in that i think that your father is scared -- a totally normal reaction. i pray that you and your family will work through this together.

God bless,

mj

[TAnn]

Angie,

I am hoping I can give you a little bit of perspective from the patient's point of view. I read your post last night and thought about it literally all night long. (I had a ct scan today, so I was also nervous about that).

I am also 16 months from diagnosis. I am stage IV and have been on 2 different types of chemo and now Iressa (and a clinical trial thrown in there too) Your dad has had alot of treatment over the last 16 months. I know that when you finish with a treatment and you feel horrible. You are so relieved that you will not be "tortured" for at least a couple of months that you just want to jump up and down (of course you can't ) The absolute LAST thing you want to think about is going to get another test that has the possibility of sending you right back to the tortures of treatment. And believe me, chemo is torture.

I am sorry for rambling on, but try to understand where your dad is coming from. His anger is not directed towards you. (I know it feels that way right now) He is mad at where he is, he is scared of the possibilities that the MRI could pose and he probably needs a little room to breathe. Of course I think he should go for the MRI, but I'm just trying to put you in his shoes and explain why he reacted the way he did. He's mad at the cancer, not you. He wants to LIVE and not just exist in a state of feeling horrible from treatment. Don't worry, he will enjoy this break, and get his engine revved up again and then he will be ready for the new attack.

I really hope this has helped. I'm sorry I've rambled on, as it is hard to type into words what I'm trying to express. I really hope I didn't upset you, that is not my intention at all. My prayers are with you all.

TAnn