Ann

It's really amazing how people don't seem to stop and think about what they're saying at times. I have been guilty of saying the wrong thing at times, just because I felt I needed to say something. Since losing Dennis, I try and guard my words a little more carefully, as I now know how cold and calculating things may sound.

Thanks for all the suggestions. My new friend called me this morning and was in a pretty good mood. She said her blood counts are much better and she is going to resume chemo next week. By the way, please remember her in your prayers. Her name is Virginia.

Hugs and prayers on their way for Grumpy One-Lung and his entire family.

Katie, I'm sure that was the right thing to do. If I had time to think this through, I would probably have given a differently worded answer. Maybe I said the right thing, as I did leave her my telephone number and told her to call me if she ever needed anything or just wanted to talk. I told her about this group but she doesn't have access to a computer. At least, she now has someone that's been through this and can talk to her!

OH, I forgot to add that I now believe the "Traveler" was trying to make Dennis realize he wasn't going to make it. You see, Dennis never gave up and never even discussed the possibility that he might not make it. It was as if the description he gave Dennis of his health was actually a decsription of Dennis's problems.

I'm a notary public and on Friday, my boss asked me to go to a ladies home and notarize some papers for her. He told me she was a very nice little lady that was having some health problems but didn't go into detail. When I arrived, I could tell she was very ill. She told me she was scheduled for her second chemo treatment but her counts were too low and she had to go in for an injection. My big mouth said...."Neupogen injection?" She said yes, and then inquired as to how I know about that drug. I told her my husband had cancer and had received those injections. She asked what type of cancer. It turned out that she also has small cell lung cancer. Her next question was..."Did he make it?" I answered no and then felt bad all weekend. I thought maybe that caused her to lose some hope. I may never see this lady again. I could have lied about this...or better yet kept my mouth shut from the beginning. How do you handle these types of situation??? Thanks!

There is also another neat idea that I want to share. I believe that our Cathy, in memory of Tim, has done several things to make the waiting room at their hospital's cancer unit more comfortable. I really think this is a very special and well-needed idea, as both patients and families spend so much time waiting.

I really like the idea of helping the library. Do you mind if I steal your idea? Dennis loved books. We owned a plumbing business and some of the guys we employed over the years were very immature. There was a young man that Dennis was determined to make something of. HE had this young man as his personal helper. Each time they would pass a library, Dennis would say...." See that building over there? It's filled with books. You need to read books." I think Dennis would really like to have books donated to the libraby in his memory.

I certainly believe our loved ones know when their time is near. Dennis was able to talk to me about "visitors" he had in the days just prior to his death. Some of them he didn't know but he felt he knew others. On some mornings, he would compalin of having a very restless night because of all these people surrounding his bed. Once he described them as being dressed in "costumes." On the Friday morning before he died he told me of a special visitor he had during the night. He called this man the "International Traveler." He said this man was very ill and wasn't going to live long. The man had cancer throughout his body and wasn't going to make it. He said the Traveler's job was to go arounds the world and prepare people for death. Dennis said the man was still in the room while he was telling me the story. He pointed to a chair in the corner of our bedroom where the man was sitting. When I looked at the chair, I only saw a big teddy bear that my best friend had given me when Dennis was diagnosed with cancer. I picked up the bear and carried it to Dennis's bedside and said..."is this the man?" I was thinking this might be a reaction to some of his meds. Dennis looked at me as if I was the one that was nuts and said....."No...but that is the bear the man in the chair was holding before you took it away from him." Just seconds before Dennis died, he lifted his left arm high into the air and said "OK." I have to believe he was talking to someone that I hope to see someday!

Hope things go well with your Dad's treatment. Depression can do really strange things to us. It sounds like your Dad needs some time and space for thinking and remembering. Keeping you both in my prayers!!!

I'm keeping you in my prayers today, Rosegarden. Going back to work can be really difficult. Please remember that the people around you will probably be a wee bit uncomfortable, as they won't know just what to say...or not say. Some people feel that if they bring up the topic they will make you sad. Others feel that they must say something to you out of concern. The people I worked with seemed to have the attitude that it was best not to bring it up and thought that would keep my mind off of Dennis. Nothing could have been further from the truth! I wanted to talk about Dennis. I guess this was my way of "keeping him alive." Just remember that talking to friends will help take some of the pain away. It helps to get some of your feelings off your chest. I have a dear friend that is a great listener. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I cry and sometimes I just scream. Either way, she just listens and offers a hug and keeps tissue on hand!!!

Thanks so much for posting the "stages" of grief. Like everyone has said, your delayed feelings and consumption of grief are completely normal. Just after we lose someone, there are so many details and tasks that keep us busy. These things seem to help us through, as they give us things to do instead of thinking about our loved one. Dennis died on Sunday and the memorial service was on Thursday evening. I did fine during those days, as I was busy making preparations for the service. I was determined that service was going to be as special as my Dennis was! Then, the day after the service, I fell completely to pieces. For the first time, it dawned on me that I would never again see Dennis again here on earth. I felt completely lost and empty. Thoughts of suicide totally filled my head. I wanted to talk but there was no one to listen. Friends and family were back to work and normal lives and I was all alone to deal with reality. I got through those days, somehow. Then the anniversries became the really heart wrenching days. The 15th of every month was a terrible day for me. Dennis died during a beautiful full moon. Every time I would see a full moon, I would cry. You know what? Sometime I still do.

Lil, thanks for posting this message. I really needed to read these words today. I don't always remember that the "monster" didn't win and that is a shame! Although I lost such a huge part of my life and my "being" when I lost Dennis, I still have so very much to be thankful for. The wonderful group of cancer survivors from this board are one of the many things I thank God for. Here, there is always a compassionate shoulder to lean on when you feel you just can't walk alone!!!!

Thanks for posting this information. Although I lost Dennis two years ago, I still try and read informative books that deal with dying. It helps me understand things that may still be bothering me.

What a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing. I have found that writing is very therapeutic for the soul. I still write letters to Dennis and keep them in a journal. This was recommended to me by a Hospice counselor just after I lost Dennis. At the end of the first year, I opened the journal and read the letters for the past year. This really helped me realize just how far I had come on a journey towards healing. It also helped me to open up some of the feelings I had at the time of his death. There were things I couldn't open up and deal with then that I am able to think about and talk about now.

Sorry to be late but Happy Anniversary and here's to 17 more wonderful years of love, caring and sharing!!!

So glad to hear your Dad's meds are helping. I love the picture of you and your Mom. Thanks so very much for sharing it with us!!!

I think we all have these thoughts cross our mind when we are dealing with cancer and our loved ones. I can't tell you how many nights I stayed awake for hours just watching Dennis sleep. i kept thinking that I wanted to remember every single thing about his face. You know, every time we are with friends and loved ones could be the last, regardless if they have cancer or not. I look at life differently now and value friends and loved ones more than ever! Just enjoy the times you have with your Mom and think happy and positive thoughts!!!

Congratulations on this wonderful news! Celebrate and Rejoice!!!!

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know your father was very proud to be at your wedding. I am keeping you in my prayers.

So sorry to hear of your loss. Remember that your Dad will live on in your heart forever!

Margaret, thank you so much for sharing this sad, heartfelt post. Each time I read a post like this I think back on the day that I had to make the decision to call Hospice for Dennis. You are so very right about the sudden feeling of calm taking over. We also enjoyed the quiet time together. I'm so glad you are able to talk freely with your husband. Dennis thought until the end that he was going to beat this monster, so there were lots of things that were left unsaid. Stay strong and keep a good bank of friends to talk to (like us). Talking to understanding people is worth a million dollars at this time!!!! Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh yes....nights and mornings are times when I really think of Dennis. I think that both of those times are quiet times and times we were always together. It seems his presence is often with me when I am driving in the car. I talk to him out loud while I am driving and I pray he can hear my words. I think the car is so special now, as we spent so much time traveling back and forth to Orlando for his treatments and doctor. Orlando is about a four hour round trip for us so the two of us had a lot of quality time together in that car during those 9 precious months. Katie, I am so glad your Mom was able to connect with your Dad in a dream. When I dream of Dennis (more frequently than at first) it seems I awake and for a few minutes feel as if nothing ever happened. It's such a wonderful feeling. That is about the only thing that has helped me to find peace so far in this long hard journey. Shirley, my heart aches for your pain and tears fell as I read your post. This is so damned hard to accept!!!

Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing those beautiful words with us!

So good to hear from you Curtis. Please keep in touch!