Ann

Oh Jane....birthdays, anniversarys, holidays....all of these things really seem to do a number on me. It's amazing how so many little things can bring on such a flood of memories. When Dennis died, there was a full moon. It seemed to be the biggest, brightest full moon I had ever seen. Now, everytime I see a full moon I think of Dennis' death and relive so many things said and done during that week. Some say this will all get easier and sad memories will blend with happy ones. So far, I can't vouch for this being true but I am trying to be hopeful!!!! Keeping you in my prayers!

So sorry to learn of the loss of your mother. I am praying that God will give you needed strength and peace to get through this difficult time. It must be so comforting to know that the pain meds were helping to relieve her pain near the end. [/b]

Lillian....so sorry you have yet another hurdle to cross in this race called "surviving." My days have been so "down" lately that I'm not sure I am in the frame of mind to do any cheering up right now. But...rest assured you are always in my thoughts and prayers and know you will always have a special place in my heart! Yes, my friend...we have so much in common!!!!

So sorry to hear this news. I am praying for both of you...praying for pain relief and good test results for Keith and strength for you!!!!

Lillian....thanks for once again posting these oh-so-true words.

Joni....I understand how you feel and what you are experiencing right now. I was also amazed at how efficiently I was able to make arrangements and plans when Dennis died. This is only my opinion, but, I believe I had been making those plans in my mind and preparing myself for Dennis' death since the day of his diagnosis. For nine months, I lived with the words.....inoperable.....uncureable.....treatable to buy some time. I also remember the answer to "How Much Time"? Maybe 1 year if we are lucky!!! So, from that day on I began preparing myself for the worst. Of course, I hoped and prayed for the best...a miracle at minimum. But, in my heart I knew I had to be ready to say goodbye and I knew I had to be stronger than I had ever been before. I don't think I could have handled all the formalities as well as I did if the news of Dennis' death had come by surprise. I could never have dealt with things as car accidents or sudden heart attacks. Dealing with a "death sentence" for nine months was a terrible thing, but it gave me time to prepare myself for the things to come. Dennis had always fixed everything around the house and with the cars. During the end of his illness, Dennis was so sick and in such pain that all this responsibility fell on my shoulders. I began making decisions and taking care of matters I had never dealt with before. God also gives us a built in mechanism commonly referred to as "shock." This lasts longer with some people than others. It is this state that helps you deal with much that is going on in your life right now. When this is gone, the emotions that you are expecting will surface. And YES.....it is completely normal to have these thoughts and worries regarding your son. I pray that you will continue to be strong...for both you and your son!!!

Oh dear Ginny!!! Your post brings back sich a flood of memories for me! Like you and Shirley, I was always fighting back the tears. I was always so relieved to see the Hospice aide come to the door, as that meant I could step outside and have a good cry and have time to wash my face with cold water to disguise the tears. I know we have to be strong for our loved ones, as they draw much courage from us. Sometimes, I look back on days gone by and wish I had cried with Dennis. Sometimes, I wonder if he thought I was taking all this too well, as I really tried to be so very brave! I know you must be exhausted, as you are still working and are getting very little sleep at night. Please take care of yourself. I was taking mega doses of vitamins while Dennis was very sick, in an effort to keep myself going. It is such great news that the Duke still has a good appetite. That is so very important!!! My thoughts and prayers are with both you and the Duke!!! Remember Ginny....you have to believe that a miracle CAN and WILL happen!!!!

Glad to hear one treatment can be crossed off the list. I so admire your fighting attitude! This terrible disease makes me so angry that I just want to start hitting things every time I hear its name!!!! Glad to hear you're winning!!!!!

Shelly, I am praying so very hard that things will turn out good with your biopsy!!!

Oh Joni, so very sorry to hear of your loss. As time passes, I know you will be so very grateful that God allowed you to be by your husband's side when he was called to rest! Your husband was so very young and had so much of life ahead of him but as you know.....this horrible disease shows no respect for anyone. Please remember we are all keeping you in our thoughts and prayers!!!

It's been nineteen long months since Dennis left this life and became pain free forever! I have been through so many ups and downs during the healing process and I'm sorry to say this week has been a very "down" period for me. I am in the process of planning for our youngest son to graduate from college on the last day of this month. I am planning a small party for him and am inviting close friends and family. Dennis was always so worried about this son. Like his dad, Chris was always a "free spirit" and strong willed person. Dennis did not finish college and was so determined to see that our boys did so their life could be easier than his had been. Dennis would have given anything to see Chris walk across that stage to receive his diploma. Chris is the "spitting image" of Dennis so seeing him as he mature stirs many deep seated feelings inside me!!! Deep in my heart, I believe Dennis will see his son receive that diploma and will be smiling like he has never smiled before. I just want him to be here with me for this occasion....and I know he will be. Although months have passed since his death, today I feel as if I just lost him. Friends, please keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way!!!! Like many others on this board....my Dennis left this life way too soon! 50 is only the beginning of the very best things in life!!!!

Welcome Back Dean!!!! I've been lurking more than posting lately but always look for your posts to make me smile!!!!

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know how you are feeling right now and am available to talk and listen!!! I will keep you in my prayers!!!

I gave my husband these injections daily. He had no bad reactions and no infections. If you feel comfortable taking them, I would recommend them by all menas! They really helped Dennis.

I am becoming very interested in the Spiritualist Church and their lessons about life...and the afterlife. If anyone has these churches in your area...give them a visit!!! It's definitely NOT an evil thing! For those of us that believe in the Bible and it's teachings, we must remember that there have always been prophets mentioned in the Bible. Is there any reason prophets would merely cease to exist? We all have different gifts that make us very special and unique. Some people can paint, some are talented writers, some can heal, some can teach...so why should we not believe that there are some that can help us communicate with loved ones that live in a different realm????

I have to jump in here on this topic, as I do believe there are people that are able to communicate with those that have passed on. I was able to attend a group session at a local Spiritualist church and experience first hand some very amazing things. We were sitting in a circle around the room and the "medium" was seated on the floor in the middle. He explained that things might seem a bit jumbled from time to time, as several loved ones might come to him at once trying to contact us. While he was talking to another lady, he kept saying..."just a minute...just a minute." Then, he left the lady he was speaking with and came to me. He put both hands on my ankles and said..."Dennis is very impatient." Of course, as most of you know, Dennis was my husband. At the time, I was getting ready to have the exterior of my house painted and was having a terribly hard time selecting a color. I was looking at a great shade of green but I kept thinking it was possibly too dark. Well, the "medium" said to me "Dennis said you should not paint the house too dark or you will not like it." I almost fell from my chair. This continued for almost 20 minutes....and EVERYTHING was very accurate. Nothing was generalized and most were things no one would ever know. There was no charge for this session and I, like everyone else in attendance, was in total belief. I knew no one there and no one ever even asked my name.

I had no relatively "horrible" experiences with Hospice but I will tell you that it was not at all what I had been led to believe. I only called Hospice in during the last two weeks of Dennis' life. I was tired and knew I needed help from professionals. I had an RN come out 2 times a week and an aid came to help me bathe him 4 days a week. I was under the impression that Hospice would "know" when the end was near and would manage to have someone trained with me...even a volunteer. Wrong for thinking that! Also, I vividly remember the day the "Care Pack" came. I was told to keep it in the refrigerator and the contents were explained to me. I was doing pretty good until we came to the one little package of pills. The nurse told me these pills were to help with the "death rattles" and should they begin, I was to take one pill out and place it under my husband's tongue! I was in shock!!!! Me??? Do this???? Well, you know...the time came and I was able to put that little pill under his tongue and THANK YOU GOD it did work. I was not completely alone when the end came, as my sleeping sons were in the house. But, I had been led to believe a "professional" would be with us during the end.

This song is beautiful! Josh Groban wrote this song for his grandmother. It really put him at the top of the charts. I first heard this song on the radio in early 2002, not long after Dennis was diagnosed. From the moment I heard the song, I knew I would have that song played at Dennis' memorial service. It was played and I can tell you there was not a dry eye in the house. I always wanted to believe he heard the song and several times, I have been given proof that he did hear it!!!

Curtis...my heart is so happy to "hear" a cheerful note in your voice. Many of us have to go on just because of survival! You have a very special reason to continue on....you're little angel Katie!!! I know that Becky is smiling down on you and guiding you through this difficult journey!!! Best of luck on the move and please keep us posted!!!

I love to hear about others experiences with all these signs that our loved ones are near and watching over us! I was lying in bed watching television night before last and something caught my eye from my kitchen. I saw something that appeared to be a person walk across my kitchen. I thought it was my son, but when I got up I found him sleeping in his room. Oh well, I guess I should be used to it by now. It's comforting to know Dennis is still with me!!!

Dean, I can surely sympathize. Since Dennis's death my in-laws don't speak to me at all. They still blame me for allowing the oncologists to do a biopsy to determine if Dennis's cancer was small cell or non-small cell. Dennis and I both explained it to them a million times. We told them the treatment for the two kinds of cancer is much different and the doctor needed to know what he was dealing with. Dennis made the decision on his own to have the biopsy. Then, his Dad came to my work and pleaded with me to change Dennis's mind. When I didn't, the in-laws got very angry with me. They tried to be civil during his illness but after his death they completely stopped speaking to me. Dennis died on December 15th and in an attempt to have some type of holiday dinner and bring my family together, I got my wits together and cooked dinner for the entire family on Christmas. Can you believe that in the middle of dinner my father-in-law made the announcement that he held me responsible for Dennis's death, as I hadn't talked him out of the biopsy. What a blow!!! That was the last communication I have had with either of the in-laws!!! He also went further by saying that "once the air got to the cancer it spread!" I even had our oncologist write him a letter explaining the necessity of the test. But...now...after all I've been through...who gives a damn anyway!!! Glad to see we still share similar views on things!!! So good to hear from you!

Dean, I can surely sympathize. Since Dennis's death my in-laws don't speak to me at all. They still blame me for allowing the oncologists to do a biopsy to determine if Dennis's cancer was small cell or non-small cell. Dennis and I both explained it to them a million times. We told them the treatment for the two kinds of cancer is much different and the doctor needed to know what he was dealing with. Dennis made the decision on his own to have the biopsy. Then, his Dad came to my work and pleaded with me to change Dennis's mind. When I didn't, the in-laws got very angry with me. They tried to be civil during his illness but after his death they completely stopped speaking to me. Dennis died on December 15th and in an attempt to have some type of holiday dinner and bring my family together, I got my wits together and cooked dinner for the entire family on Christmas. Can you believe that in the middle of dinner my father-in-law made the announcement that he held me responsible for Dennis's death, as I hadn't talked him out of the biopsy. What a blow!!! That was the last communication I have had with either of the in-laws!!! He also went further by saying that "once the air got to the cancer it spread!" I even had our oncologist write him a letter explaining the necessity of the test. But...now...after all I've been through...who gives a damn anyway!!! Glad to see we still share similar views on things!!! So good to hear from you!

Curtis...God bless you and that beautiful little girl. I can only imagine the pain in that little darlings' heart from missing her mama. My thoughts and prayers are continually with you!!!

Kris...Maybe you've been looking too hard for a sign that your Dad is near. You have to listen with your heart and not your ears. You have to see through your soul and not your eyes. You have to just let things happen and not question them when they do. Faith is all about believing in things not seen. We know God is with us, yet we cannot see his face. In time, you will know that your Dad is near to love and protect you. My experiences of feeling Dennis's presence have occured at very unplanned and unexpected times. Maybe your Dad is just waiting until he feels your really need his help. I have experienced various levels of Dennis's presence from strange little feelings on my shoulder all the way to having the piano play when no one was in the room. And yes, Kris...I had a witness to the piano episode. Your Dad is now a part of you. He lives in your heart and in your memories. I know that your Dad loves you very much and will always be there with you! Just believe...and listen to your heart!!!!

Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I have been where you are now and am a very good listener, should you need to talk.