Ann

Karen, my prayers are certainly being said for you and your family. I can well remember when your dear FIL passed away. It certainly doesn't seem to have been that long ago. I know how hard that one year mark can be! It is so great to hear from you again!

Ry, what would we ever do without you ? You are so wonderful to keep in contact with everyone. I guess you're our little "mother hen" and I do say that lovingly!!! It's so good to hear that Grumpy is doing well. Thanks for giving us this good news. Lord knows we need all the good news we can get to help get us through the bad news!

Thanks so much for the link Elaine. Like Becky, I believe that when it comes down to the wire, each of us is alone. I believe that many cancer patients and their families lose "hope" when their doctor gives them the statistics for survival. I know this issue has been tossed around here quite a lot lately. My husband never knew (or wanted to know) what the statistics were, thus he had "hope" right up to the very end and was fighting like mad to survive. I know that my will and spirit had been severely beaten down since the first time I heard those staggering numbers.

Like everyone else, I was completely shocked and saddened to hear of this terrible news. David was such a vital part of this "family" and his wit and humor will surely be missed. There are more wonderful things I have to say about this young man but can't seem to get my thoughts together right now. His family will certainly remain in my thoughts and prayers.

So sorry to hear this news. These furry little people really do have such a special place in our hearts and it leaves a huge hole when something happens to them. I know this will not be easy for your family.

Lillian, I know how you are feeling and I just don't have any magical words to say that will make things better. If I did, I would have used them on myself right about now. People say that every cloud has a silver lining and I guess it's time we began looking for our "lining." Just think of all the wonderful memories we have with our loves and loved ones. Those memories are something that will always be ours. Just think how many people never experience the love you and Johnny shared. I know those words are not very consoling right now, but they are very true. There are many people that travel through life and never have any of the loving feelings you have had with Johnny. Right now, we just have to make it through this maze called "life" one day at a time. You have so very many friends (proud to be one) right here on this board that are here for you and will help you make it through!!!

What a nice post. Thanks so much for sharing. Hope your mom is doing well. You know, we should all leave loving thoughts when we leave our family and friends, as if that could be the last time. Every time I talk to one of my sons on the phone or when they leave my house, I always say "I Love You." I just think that should anything happen to either of us, they will know things were good with us and know how much I love them.

Joni, I could have written these same words and probably did at one time or another. I was always told, and I believed, that you have to believe that God will grant a miracle before you ask for one. All during Dennis's illness, I begged and pleaded for that miracle. I even tried making deals with God by asking Him to take me instead of Dennis. Less than an hour before Dennis died, I stood at the foot of his bed and said this prayer. "God, I know that I have to believe in miracles in order to receive one and God, I do believe. But, if you are not going to give me the miracle of saving Dennis then please take him so that he will not have to suffer anymore." In minutes, the light of my life was gone. Like you, I was relieved at the time that his suffering was over. As the days passed, I seemed to forget the pain and thought of happy times we spent together. Everything would pass through my mind as if I was watching an old movie in slow play mode. Finally, one day it hit and I found that God did answer my prayer that day. He ended the Dennis's pain and suffering. Every day that you go through in the months to come will bring about a new emotion that you may not yet have experienced. To this day, there are mornings that I get up from bed and am so damned angry about losing Dennis that I can heardly stand it. Even now, there are times when I see couples together and I feel so cheated and am even jealous because they have each other. Jealousy is something that some of us have discussed among ourselves and it is hard to understand at times. There are times that I am even "jealous" to hear that someone suffering from the same cancer my husband had is doing so well. I always keep those feelings all bound up inside me, as I would never want to hurt anyone. I have a really hard time when I see people that lead really evil lives but seem to flourish, regardless. I think...Dennis was such a good man...why him rather than these evil people? So, Joni, my heart reaches out to you, as I know exactly where you are right now. I know it is of little comfort to know that the stages you are going through are "normal." Just always thank God that you have a beautiful son that is a part of the true love you shared. I wish there was more I could say to comfort you. I can say that the pain will ease a bit in time. Let's both be thankful for wonderful memories and pray for that God will give us the ability to understand!

Cindy, I am keeping both you and Tom in my thoughts and prayers. I want to tell you not to worry but I know with your medical background that is an impossibility. Do everything you can to get that appointment moved up. Be persistent...yell and scream...and if all else fails...beg. That's how I got Dennis into MD Anderson two days after our family doctor found the chest xray very suspicious. There is nothing worse than the unknown. In addition, waiting can be absoultely terrifying. So, to easy both of your minds, try and get another appoinment, if even with another doctor. Praying for good news for you and Tom.

Don...I am so glad that you are hanging in here with us. Like someone said in a previous post...YOU ARE NORMAL...THIS IS ALL NORMAL!!! There are so very many different emotions that we go through after we lose someone. Dennis has been gone since Dec. 15, 2002 and I still have so very many emotions that I struggle with daily. You are definitely on the right track, at least in my opinion. Your posts show that you are a very strong person in the way you have already handled so many things. You're right...she was (and is) YOUR MOTHER!!!! She had discussed her wishes with you and because of your love and devotion to your mother you will honor those wishes. If family members and friends can't understand that then it's their problem, not yours. You're right about cranking up those speakers! Music can do so much for the soul. I don't know how I would have made it through some of these days and nights withour music. Let me say again that I am so glad you have decided to remain here with us. My heart has really been breaking for all of the pain you have been going through!!!

Thoughts and prayers coming your way from Florida, David!!! You're a true warrior and I'm sure this is just another little hurdle in your wager to wing the battle!!!!

So very sorry to hear this news. My prayers are with you and your family members at this difficult time.

Don, my heart is really reaching out to you right now. I wish I was there to lend a shoulder to you but this will have to do! Being the mother of three sons, I am so touched by your post and all of the feelings of helplessness you are going through right now. At least you are doing the right thing by expressing your feelings and talking about them. That is why I agree with Curtis and hope you are going to remain here with us. Although you may feel as if you have no purpose here right now, you are very mistaken. We are all here for you and will pull together to get you through the tough times. After losing my husband, I was second guessing everything that had happened regarding his treatment. I felt as if I could have done more and had many times that I felt so guilty for everything. I now know, as you will come to know, that these feelings are very common. Cancer has a way of making us all feel helpless. We shudder at the mere sound of the word. Please, never doubt that you are a good son and a good person. I am sure that your mother knew that you were doing everything in your power to get her through this terrible disease with the lease amount of discomfort. Death of a loved one is something that we all have to deal with in our own time and our own way. If you feel you need a "Hall Pass" from this group for a while we amy consider granting one. But....please reconsider going away for good. In addition to having all of us here to help pull you through, you will also be here to offer help to others that will benefit from your experiences and advice. Should you need to talk...or yell...I am here to listen. I'm not always the best on advice...Lord knows...but I am a good listener and can relate to what you are going through! I will keep you in my prayers! I am sure your mother is very proud of you and is looking down on you with a radiant glow!!!

So glad to hear you are feeling better! I still have you in my prayers...just in case you need them!!! If you're looking for nice weather, don't come to Florida. It's raining (sometimes storms) every day here. My grass is getting taller by the minute but it's always too wet to mow!!! So...enjoy nice weather and the new porch!!!

Candy, so glad to hear you made the trip safely. So sorry to hear about another cancer victim in your family. Like you, I have found it absolutely amazing what we can do when we have to. Driving often seems to soothe my soul but it seems when I'm driving almost every song on the radio makes me think of Dennis. You are so very brave for making this journey! I am so very proud of you. I agree that these furry little four-legged friends of ours can be mighty comforting so much of the time. Please keep in touch!!! So glad you had a wonderful trip!!!

Off to buy pink and white M&M's. I've been looking for a reason to cheat on this diet of mine!!!! But...a company this size could make a sizeable donation to the research effort without only donating a portion of profits to the cause.

Donna...so sorry this post is a day late! Hope you will accept a very sincere belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY from little old me!!!!!! Hope you had a very special day and did some real celebrating!

My husband was given Zometa during his treatment and our oncologist couldn't say enough good things about it. So glad to hear that your tests provided some great results!!!

So good to hear from you and find things are as well as can be expected. I think you had a wonderful idea in printing out the posts from our little group and sharing our love for TBone and his family with others. I also am glad to hear that more people are chosing music for funerals and memorial service that our loved ones loved. Dennis's memorial service was quite different and many of our older friends didn't quite know how to take it. Dennis loved music...mainly rock and the blues. He was a huge Stevie Ray Vaughn fan, so there were many of his songs played. There was also a lot of rock. During the service, we took time for one of his favorite songs..."In My Life" by the Beatles. Before the song was played, our minister told the story of Dennis' love for that song. That was the very first album that Dennis had bought with money he had earned. He sat in the bedroom and played this particular song over and over. Dennis had said he knew he had always loved that song but never knew why until he met me. At the end, I dedicated "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban to Dennis...the love of my life! I can only believe that he heard that song and smiled ! I'm still keeping you and all of your family in my prayers and hoping you can somehow find peace!!!

Wow...what a wonderful daughter you are! I know your mom must be very proud of you. It sounds like you have your head on your shoulders very straightly!!! I just think your last post is about the sweetest one I have read in the time I have been amember of this group!!! Hang in there! God will give you strength!!!! My prayers for both you and your Mom.

Elaine....I can enjoyed reading your post and I can related to how all the news of deaths and the stories of dying must have unnerved and dismayed you. After Dennis's death, I felt really strange posting at times. I felt like the person reading the post would see that my dh had lost his battle and would be discouraged. I think several of us that had lost a loved one felt the same way. ShirleyB had this wonderful idea, which I passed onto Rick, about creating a topic area especially for "Those That Have Lost a Loved One." Rick almost immediately (thanks Rick) made that idea of Shirley's a reality. We then felt that we had a place to post and discuss our grief without diminishing the hopes of others. I guess the name of the are was pretty specific and people knew what they were about to read before going there. As a result, many of us were able to discuss our feelings of grief and loss more candidly without fearing our stories would be depressing for others. I realize there are many of you that differ from me regarding the posting of statistics on this board. Maybe a solution would be for Rick to add yet another area..."Statistics" ...where people could openly discuss this. If people don't want to know, they can stay away from that area. Rick is a very wonderful and cooperative person. If anyone feels they need more from this board, all they have to do is ask!

Sometimes I can sit quietly and be silent on issues but I have to voice my opinion on this issue. When Dennis was diagnosed with cancer, he never asked "how long" or wanted to know and statistics. All he was interested in was fighting the cancer that had cruelly invaded much of his body. He was hopeful and optomistic right up to the very end. He always thought he would beat this "thing" and was always verbally expressing that attitude. I was so glad he was strong and was so proud of him. He helped me to be strong but told me constantly that I was his rock. On the other hand, I needed to know how much time we had and what to expect. I spoke with the oncologist and almost fell over...and would have if the wall had not caught me....when he told me 3-6 months if we are lucky. I so wanted that time line to be wrong. At night, while Dennis watched television, I was glued to the computer, searching for every possible statistic possible and hoping there would be one that would give more time. Unfortunately, all of the statistics were about the same for sclc. I was devasted ! Although "bubbly" on the outside, my heart lived the next 9 monthis waiting for the end to come....as the statistics has said. On the other hand, Dennis lived his life fighting and hoping until the end. I believe his attitude would have been much different had he known the numbers, as I did. As a long time member of this board, I believe my reason for being here is to help others that are now experiencing what I have already been through. I want to be a shoulder to lean on and always have an ear that is willing to hear a call for help. Although I know more about this monster that I ever wanted to know, I am still not an expert. I do not feel qualified to share medical information or statistics. I agree that statistics are important and there is a reason for them. I know there are some people who want to know but there are others that have no desire to have gloom and doom presented to them. There is a wealth of information available online and in libraries for people that want to know. I am sure their oncologists can state statistics to them all day long. I just believe we should be a support group and leave some decisions to individuals. What if someone fighting this disease, that had no desire to learn statistics, read a thread and found out what statistics say? I am one small voice from this group but I remain here to offer support and to listen. When I found Dennis had cancer, I was so lost and alone. I don't know how I would have made it without the support from this group. This is not a controversy and should not be viewed as one, in my opinion. It's just a chance for each of us to express our views!

Lil. I am so very proud of you! I had faith all along that you would be able to accomplish your goals and make life "work" for you again. I know that none of this can do much to replace the emptiness you still experience, but this is a new beginning. It's a starting place. It's a chance to relieve your financial worries and keep your mind occupied. You are going to be able to explore new horizons and learn new things. I'm sure that you will also meet many new and wonderful friends when you start these new jobs. Having friends nearby will halp things tremendously. Just don't get too busy to keep us posted!!!!

Nancy, I am sure everyone that visits this board have cried over this monster so girl...just let it loose! It's amazing how sometimes you fell much better after you just let the tears flow for a while! I even go outside and scream every now and then to let pressure off! I agree with what everyone else here has said...your husband is in love with you, not your hair. You just hang in and hang onto us! This group is great at pulling people up and out of down times!!!!

Thanks so much to those of you that replied to my post. I have to tell you that yesterday afternoon I felt as if I was losing my mind! I stopped by a friend's house on the way home to show her this picture. She and I had already discussed the photo on the phone so I just wanted her opinion. She agreed immediately that the picture had to have been taken while Dennis was ill. Her husband (a retired investigator for the state attorney's office) is very skeptical about these types of things so she and I try to keep discussion about this type of thing away from his ears! When he came into the room, I handed the picture to him. He said.." When was this taken...about 3 or 4 months before he died?" So, thanks so much for the posts. They help me to confirm that I have a wee bit of sanity remaining!