Treebywater

I just wanted to welcome you. I'm to hear that your mom, you, and your family are going through this. I have no advice as I am still new to this journey (my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV LC around Thanksgiving), but I offer you my support, my ears, and my shoulder should you ever want or neet any or all at any time.

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad your husband was able to be at home surrounded by peaceful things and loving people. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

My mama sounds FAR from hopeless, but since the words 'stage IV' were uttered she seems less hopeFULL then I'd like to see her. How can I help her to stay positive?

The thing my mom has taught me over all these years of my wishing she weren't smoking even though she still did... is that those times that I put pressure on her to quit... the smoking got worse. I learned that my mom WANTED to stop, but couldn't, and any hint of disappointment or disaproval or encouragement to stop from me--no matter how well intentioned--just made her want to smoke more. Your mom is probably going through the most stressful time in her life right now. What does a smoker do when she's stressed out? She reaches for her pack of cigarettes. I'm sure she doesn't WANT to. But I can imagine with the stress she's under the urge to reach for that package is overwhelming. As for the lying, again I can only imagine how out of control your mother (and my mother) must feel of anything in her life right now. Maybe by hiding it, she is trying to keep control of one aspect of her life??? Maybe she is just desperate for the fix and can't stand to see you look disappointed when you discover that she is smoking? I don't know. I know for my mom, I can only cheer her on when I find out she's not smoking (and she's doing SO WELL last I heard!) and be ready to just accept whatever until she gets to that point. She's the mother, I'm not. She knows how I feel, I don't have to tell her. But right now she needs a cheerleader, so that's what I'll be. ((((hugs)))) to you and ((((hugs)))) to your mom. My prayers are with you both. Val

Just in case... I wanted you to know that I wasn't poking fun at all... I just read your post and could so understand just wanting to talk of normal things... and thought that in some silly way I could introduce a place for that. I hope I didn't come across as crass or rude...

Prayers going up!

KatieB--Your words are so TRUE, and so very much coincided with what I'm already feeling with people asking about mom...

SUCH GOOD NEWS!!! I THANK YOU for sharing this good stuff. I need to hear that good stuff is happening right now... It means a tremendous amount to me that you did share this with us. It gives me hope too!

What GREAT news!!!! Thank you for sharing it!

Your both in my prayers!!! (((hugs))) to you.

I just wanted to ask you how your weather is. How is it? Here it is looking a little dreary but it's not too cold. Anything interesting around there? (I read your other post... and can very much understand just wanting to talk about normal things.... so I thought I'd ask!)

KatieB--I am SO blessed that my husband has indicated that he will support me regardless of what I decide. There is no way he could go to my hometown before deployment. Just not something the Navy does... Thank you for telling me some of your story... I really resonate with the idea of wanting to be there for whatever time we have with mom... I just feel crazy at the same time because as a military couple our mindset is constantly, "how can we make the most of time between deployments?" Of course... we will hopefully have time together later... I just feel overwhelmed by all sides of things.

CalinTay--It's new to me and my family too (my mom started her chemo last week and radiation today). We can learn together! Kate--Your post was such an encouragement! I'm so happy to hear that your dad is responding so well to radiation! Huzzah!

What a sweetie you have there!!!! What an enormous gift to you! Thank you for sharing your 'ho-ho photo.' It made me smile!

First of all, I should probably update... after the PET scan, we found out that Mom has Stage 4 Non-small cell. There were no mets in her liver or brain, but the cancer has spread extensively to her bones--which explains the tremendous pain she's been in. She has started chemo (don't have the name of her first round right here with me at present) and today started radiation. I have been thinking and thinking about what my role needs to be and where I should be in the next months. I thought I had come up with a decent solution last week and felt pretty peaceful about it, but now I'm not sure. My husband will be gone a lot this year. He is in the Navy. His squadron is gearing up for a deployment and they take several smaller trips out to the ship before they actually go do their official deployment. His first short trip (they call them dets.) is in January. I am planning on going to visit mom and dad during that time (about 2 weeks). He'll have several other of these small trips and then sometime in the second half of the year he will leave for his deployment. My plan was to go spend time with mom and dad during the longer dets (smaller trips) and to go live back in my hometown during the deployment (6 mos, could be longer, won't be shorter). I hope to get an apartment there in my hometown so as to allow mom and dad their alone time and to protect them from screaming baby at all hours of the night after my little one gets here. But then I talked to mom last night and started thinking about the other phone calls I've had. She just doesn't sound good at all. She sounds weak and wan and very sick. For Christmas dad bought her a lift chair because she has so much trouble getting out of regular ones and bars for the bathroom to help her lift herself up... She just sounds so bad that I'm afraid the time we have may be very limited and that scares me so very much. So now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should go back the first of the year and plan on living there as soon as I can get it arranged to maximize time with mom... That will limit my already very limited time with my husband this year. I don't know if I should wait and see what happens and if dad calls and tells me coming soon would be wise, to do that. Or do I ahead with original plan of going back for longer dets/my husbands deployment? And then I wanted to ask some questions. I know the bone mets can be very painful... is that what I'm hearing in my mom's voice? Will the treatments help ease some of that pain so that my mom will sound like my mom again? Or... is this indicative that time is short and perhaps I need to get moving now? I also worry about the baby. She is due in March. My doctor and doula, not to mention my husband are all here. I don't know what being away from my husband VOLUNTARILY and seeing my momma so sick will do for me during these last months before the baby is born. I need to be in an ok head space for the baby. The idea to go back when my husband was already gone seemed so ideal because then I'm just sort of dealing with 'situation normal' and have the hometown support system going for me for both situations to boot. The baby also puts some restrictions on timing for travel. I am assuming right before and after the baby is born, I'm not going to want to travel 2000 miles and set up house somewhere new. So wherever I'm going to be when she arrives... I need to just plain be there and be prepared to be there for a bit. I guess the plus side is.... I know I am planning on going back to my hometown--that is decided in my brain. My mind is made up on that. I just dont' know when to go. I feel like I am dividing limited time that I need to spend with key people in my life... and I don't know how to do it. I just feel so conflicted about what to do and where to be right now... do any of you have any insight or advice? I know each case is different... and I know there are no guarantees one way or another with this blasted disease... but... any help? Sorry this is so very long... Bless your heart if you made it through it!

I'm so sorry that you are going through this now too, as well... My prayers are with you and your family...

Welcome! I'm learning the ropes around here too. I'm glad you've joined us.

I'm so sorry for how hard all of this is on you... From what you wrote here, you are absolutely REMARKABLE. Your father is so blessed to have you pulling for him, having hope for him, helping him to plan and put his mind at ease.... Thinking of him first (and you may not feel that way, but from your post it is obvious that you are thinking of and putting him first). Really, from where I sit I can tell that you are an absolutely REMARKABLE woman. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to feel and know that those feelings are ok. And take care of YOU too. Becky's idea sounds sensible and healthy to me. Some limits might bring a little relief to you both in this situation. ((((hugs))))) to you and many prayers as you struggle through this time. Val

I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace for you and your family!

I'm so sorry for your loss... I'm so glad you are able to have peace right now, and so blessed to hear the story of your father reassuring you. What a special daddy he must have been. My prayers are with you.

Thank you... really, really Thank you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your loved ones.

I am so sorry, Sharyn... I will be praying for peace and strength for you and your family.

Welcome!!! I'm new as well. My mother was just diagnosed with what may be Stage 2 or Stage 4 lung cancer as well. We'll know which way that swings after her PET scan next week. I sure can understand your fears... It's so overwhelming to be at the beginning of it. I imagine that it will be overwhelming all throughout in one way or another, but I'm so grateful to have stumbled onto this site! Here I have found one of the essential tools--Hope!!! I hope that your brother and my mother will both be two that will kick this stinking, rotten diseases butt and take names! Val

Praying right now for you and your daddy. I'm so sorry you're getting all this bad news...