missyk

Vent away! We had a similar situation arise with Mom and it's SO difficult. If your mom and the rest of you as a family are willing/able to care for your dad at home and that's what HE wants...then I agree with Val (in the words of her dear momma). It's HARD to do what you guys are doing and those who are more on the "outside", even when truely wanting the best, just don't understand the additional stress they add by giving their opinion on what should be done. Many prayers to you and yours...thinking of you...

Hi Aubree and welcome to a wonderful place none of us ever wanted to be...and I'm glad you found us. Don't worry about not getting the cancer type right the first time you heard it...We weren't sure with Mom for the first week or so because it rattled us so much. The only difference I see in your family relationship is that Mom had all of her kids within 30 miles of her...but both my sister and I have a medical background and my brother does not and we are an extremely close-knit family. I actually think he had it easier (if there IS an easier in all of this) because he didn't LOOK at the statistics and nonsense the same way my sister and I did...he just kept loving Mom and THAT is the most important thing. Learn what you can so you can advocate for your dad...but don't let the learning override loving him and supporting him in all the little ways that you can think of. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this from a distance, I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you. Sending prayers and please, keep us informed on how you and your dad are doing.

Hi Will, and welcome, though I hate that you had to find us. You've gotten great advice so far so I'll just add that if you need, I have an elephant-sized tutu in a box around here somewhere that I can give you to spruce up that ole thing! Remember that statistics aren't "life" and there is always HOPE! Please, keep us posted on how your wife and you are doing...will keep you in my prayers.

Hi and welcome... I can't say anything about surgery as Mom never had the chance to get it...but I *do* know about weird reactions to medications! Mom despised all pain medications because of a "loopy feeling", also, and would only take tylenol and ibuprofen. You've gotten some great advice from people who are more "in the know" than I...so once again, welcome...though I'm sorry you had to find us. Please, keep us posted on how your dad (and you!) are doing!

Please accept my sincerest sympathies...I know what you're going through. Take comfort knowing he's at peace when you can. Love and prayers...

Oh how exciting!! Here's to hoping that Jacob is smack dab ON the growth chart and you can have that 38 week delivery!! Yay yay yay....I'm SO excited for you!

Welcome...but sorry you had to find this place. It's a wonderful community of caring people who offer great advice, HOPE, and support....but it's not for everyone. My brother and sister never stopped by...my Mom and I both came fairly often, though I posted way more often than Mom. My brother was always SO supportive of Mom...yet always carried around an attitude in the background that she wasn't trying hard enough or doing enough things to get better. I understand your frustration. There will be the results of the biopsy (for what KIND of cancer it is) and then the staging process is usually done with the PET scan...it gives a look at the whole body to see what's what and where the cancer might have spread to. Then there's the possibility of an MRI to check the brain if they think that's needed. And never be afraid of getting a second (or third!) opinion!!! It's a process that feels like it takes forever. Once that's all done, then a treatment plan can be worked on and you'll find yourselves in more of a "routine". Best of luck to you and your Mom!! Please, keep us posted on how she (and you!) are doing!

Cheryl.. Welcome to this wonderful place...but so sorry you needed to find it. Many prayers that your dad does wonderfully with his treatment!! Please, keep us posted on how he (and you!) are doing!

Welcome, Rod...but sorry you had the need to find us. Everyone has done a wonderful job of letting you know what's available on here for support and knowledge...and in letting you know that your children can be a HUGE support to you in this fight...so there's not much I can add other than to say that walking with my mom down this path was much more a blessing than a curse and a time that I will cherish forever. I'm glad you have your kids with you...and please, let them know they're welcome aboard anytime! We're here for them, too!

God is in the Tough Stuff...I just can't remember right now who wrote it! LOL

Susan... That comment reminds me of when people complain about our "Fresh Iowa Air" that, especially in the summer, isn't so fresh and will be told by anyone in listening distance that "It's the smell of money." Doesn't make methane smell any better and the jobs don't make the smell there any better, either!

I'm so sorry that you're feeling pressured!! That's got to be a terrible feeling on top of everything else you and your husband are going through. I will tell you that our experience with hospice was exceedingly wonderful. When hospice first came into Mom's home she only needed the nurse once a week and an aide came in once a week. The nurse checked her over, checked to make sure meds were doing what they should, and generally just visited for a while. The aide Mom loved to have come in even though she didn't need much care at that point. She would get foot rubs and shoulder massages, mainly. At one point I even joked that it had to be the reason she had hospice in...so someone would rub her feet. As she needed more care, they provided it...but not until then. Like you said, each service is different (even in one area of a state, let alone all over the country) and only you and your husband know when is "right" to begin to use their services. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not ready for! And, just as an aside...I totally agree that it stinks that the dr.s seem to always send them to the ER for things that could be taken care of in the office. Mom sat in the ER waiting room for 4 hours one evening...to be told to take some Robitussin for her breathing issues. *Sighs* I feel ya on that one completely! Many prayers coming!

I have some very close friends that I keep in touch with over the computer...and one in particular sent me a poem she wrote "for me". It's touching enough that I asked her permission to put it up here for all of us to share and she agreed. ***************************************************** The pieces drop ... and shatter, The dreams stop ... and scatter, but hearts don't break, right? You can make it through the night ... and life goes on. - Dreams crumble to dust, Do you go on? you must. You put on a smile and pretend for a while ... and life goes on. - Thinking this too shall pass, while you wonder, does love last? You lose your faith in fairy tales, and the magic wand now fails ... but life goes on. - Happy endings don't come around and people sometimes let you down. You pull it together and you'll make it ... whatever ... because life goes on. - You think of the things that make you smile; you call up your friends 'cause it's been a while. You sit outside and feel the sun, and you know that it happens to everyone ... and life goes on. - You cuddle the ones you love the most, and you learn to ignore the other ghost of feelings that need to be swept away, or tucked inside for a rainy day ... after life goes on. - Someday soon you'll find some peace and then you'll be glad of the release. Those things that you lost came at so high a cost ... and life goes on. - The pieces drop ... and shatter, The dreams stop ... and scatter, but hearts don't break ...right? You can make it through the night ... Life goes on. ---- Jen - 6/1/07

I really needed to read this today...so thank you, Perry, for posting it! I LOVE a story with a happy ending!! Now...I'm patiently waiting to be able to test out that martini philosophy myself (and agrees that extra dirty is the way to go!)

Yay Yay Yay!!! Way to go!

Mom's brand of choice when she was still smoking (she quit 20 years before diagnosis) was Kool Menthol's...but more often than not you'd find her with whatever was the cheapest (the "el cheapo floor sweepings" or "generic" cigarettes) in menthol.

Mom's radiation to the chest was for mediastinal lymphnode involvement, again, was only on the left side (same as the primary tumor). Her side effects were esophageal burns, thrush, and radiation burns to her back that go pretty severe by the end of 38 rounds. Other than that, I have NO idea about why they choose to use radiation and why they wouldn't. Maybe Dr. West might be able to answer this better? Always worth a shot!

Hey Kelly... I'm right there with you. I've spent today sitting and analyzing the anger I woke up with, knowing it was a "normal" stage of grief and when I let my rational brain take over, the tears dry up and I'm "ok" again. Yet, when my stepdad gave me a CD that Mom had left and I saw her handwriting on it, tears welled up and I ran out the door before anyone could see me cry. I don't LIKE to cry where anyone can see me...it's a private thing for me, too. I (we) understand not wanting the help with your Mom's house. I like being alone with my grief... That being said...I'm finding out that my daughter IS watching me and modeling the behavior I'm showing her. It wasn't until I gave myself permission to actually cry in front of her that she let loose and sobbed her little heart out, pounding her fists and yelling about wanting her grandma back. I thought I would kill me, physically, to see her hurting SO badly...and what I found out is that it's brought us closer together. I'm who she clings to right now when she always clung to grandma. She needs it...and it feels SOOOO darn good to me, too. It hurts, yes, but it's that "good hurt". Sorry to hijack your post...I just wanted to let ya know that I'm here, still, walking with you and thinking of you today and always.

Absolutely! I'd try to mask it in a joking manner...but I'd definately let them know that it wasn't something they should be wearing as I'd hope they'd do for me! That reminds me...I need to go call my brother and remind him that green stripes and blue and red plaid shorts don't go together and that he shouldn't dress his son in those again! LOL

I was all prepared to go back to work today. Had told everyone I would be going back for the last two days of the school year. I mean...I've HAD 5 days, haven't I? We went to visit with Ralph yesterday, took up some steaks and chicken, grilled out and sat around talking and laughing and trying to not let ourselves get TOO wrapped-up in our grief. This was the first time we'd all been together (minus my sister and her family) since Mom passed and it turns out we've all been "dealing" the same way--keeping extremely busy so we don't have to deal with it. Before I left Ralph came out with a letter from Mom to me that she'd left, her journal she kept burned to a disc, and a DVD she made for the grandkids back in November of last year. I read and watched them all...and the dam broke. Not only for me, but for Sabrina. I apologized to her for not doing a very good job lately of letting her be anything but "a big, strong girl" because I'd not been able to be anything but "a big strong mommy" and I know that's not fair to her, to model that to her. She curled up in my lap sobbing and managed, "All I can say is that...I want my grandma back!!" After we got her to bed, Mark and I talked a while and I told him the same thing...there's nothing you can do because you can't BRING my mommy back and that's all that would make this hurt any better. It's starting to really sink in and the rational side of my brain grasps all of it...and the side that's just her little girl doesn't want to let her go one little bit. I woke up SOOOOOOOOO angry today. I threw the alarm clock across the room, I stomped around yanking my clothes on, ripping through my hair with a hairbrush, yelling about how terrible I looked, how awful I felt after spending last night crying and having to get up today to go to work. Mark called the principal I work under and explained to her that it just wasn't going to happen today, me coming back. It might be different if I were "sad" and didn't work with 12 and 13 year olds...but I do...and being this angry for no apparent reason (other than having to explain that my mother died) isn't a good thing. I'm waiting it out at home today with Mark and looking forward to tomorrow...which has got to be better than today.

Brandie... I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I really like Randy's idea and agree completely. God can handle it all and Mom hears every breath you take...I believe it. Many prayers for a long, wonderful marriage filled with all the good things life has to offer. And many prayers for peace and comfort for you and the rest of your family during this difficult time.

Lori... Somehow we need to get together...dump the kids on my hubs for a lil while (*evil grin*) and just go out where there are TONS of people and lots of noise, huh? Somehow it's soothing to me, too, to have people around me. I prefer it be at least partially my family...but at this point it doesn't even matter!! Hugs you tight...I'm sorry it's been a rough day...it was here, too. Tomorrow's better at least, I hope it is!

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to know the "details". Your dad sounds like he's got a good fighting spirit going on and that should be your focus. Sometimes knowing more makes that harder for some...patient and family. All my best to you and your family...and prayers that your dad recovers his strength quickly from all those radiation treatments! What a trooper!

Hahahaha...Geri? Probably won't be any better in the new house...I went from NO counter space to HUGE counter space...and it's buried! We drop it all, too. My kitchen clutter is due to everything being piled on the counters...including the laundry that I never seem to get around to folding!

WendyKay(Hey! My "k" comes from my middle name of Kay, too!)... Being strong. Wow does that bring it all back! Just remember our "strength" comes from an inner well that needs replenished sometimes and that taking time for yourself doesn't mean you're not being strong...it means that you'll be able to be strong for longer. Keep coming back whenever you need...we'll be here and help your through as best we can. XOXO