Sheri

Nobody seems to get it. I responded to a widows plight in an earlier post, other widows responded and members rallied around the widows and ignored my grief. In the natural order of things, yes parents die before we do. In a marriage, I guess it's a coin toss on who goes first. BUT, when parents die before their time, adult children are stunned, lose their grounding and feel themselves orphaned way too soon. How is this less than losing a spouse? My Dad changed my freaking diapers, he worshiped me as I did him. He was married four times. His widow hasn't visited his gravesite nor has she partaked in ordering his headstones or any other necessary end of life measures. She can remarry and obtain a new spouse. There's not a damn thing I can do to get a new Dad. He was with me for 40 years, with her ten years. I can't stand how this board seems to elevate the grief of widows/widowers. Yes, if your parents die at a ripe old age, it's expected. When they die early, I'll tell you, it's a greater grief for their offspring than any short term marriage. It sickens me that I even write this post. I experienced the greatest loss of my life yet somehow I'm second rate. His widow is enjoying the proceeds of his death and is back on the market to find a new spouse.

Teri, You've always been very kind to me and though our losses are different, I still want to respond. First of all, you do have future milestones. Your next birthday, your parents 50th anniversary and one year on a job that you love! You are very artistic, and it must be difficult to inspire creativity while you are grieving so deeply. Fine, you have other talents. I had a college professor tell me that on average we change careers five times in our lifetimes. You seem so compassionate, I can see you mentoring others less fortunate than ourselves. Volunteer until you acquire employment! One of the last things my Dad said to me was "you need a better job!". Two months later my perfect job fell in my lap. I help the homeless, the disadvantaged and the hungry and if I could afford it, I'd do it for no salary. I'm kept so busy helping other people during my week, I'm content that I'm serving a purpose. Whether we realize it or or not, caring people have the goal to serve to achieve. Get busy Teri, your talents are needed, you just need to find where. Easier said than done I know, but your heart will lead you. It's the weekends that I have a problem with. If I didn't have to get up every week day to help others, I would have crawled in that proverbial hole and allowed myself to dig deeper into my depression. You have a beautiful soul Teri. Don't let it go to waste. Get out there! There are people who need you. Come to Michigan, I'll keep you busy!

Doesn't he bear a strong resemblance to our president?

As Ry suggested, if your father is willing to sign over the lake house or sell it to you guys at fair market value market (or less), this would take a huge burden off of you. There was a period of time I was upset with my Dad and now that he is gone, I realize how trivial those fights were. There is not a material thing in this world, not even my childhood house that I lost which keeps me up at nights. What I wake up to is he is gone. My stepmother and uncle acquired everything but my true love for him and my memories. He wanted me to have his house. It was not legally stated and I can only be amicable to the others parties involved and move on the best I can. I can hear my Dad now telling me to relax, it will all come out in the wash. I have pictures and I have memories, material stuff just doesn't seem to matter. As we all know, we never truly own anything. We can't take it with us! Missing him is all I know and for now, is all that is important. We have to allow ourselves to grieve our true loss.

I'm so sorry for all who are grieving, it's tough. I just finished watching a tear-jerking episode of John Edwards. The Mom of a deceased four year old son claimed thinking "always blessings, never losses" got her through the worst time of her life. This made me think. If we weren't blessed by our loved ones, we would never have experienced a loss. My Dad's one year is coming up. Here's my 17 year old daughter's memorial to him on her Myspace page. Made me cry: grandpa ; papa ; paw-paw R.I.P Papa. you meant and mean the world to me. I can appreciate how much you have done & taught not only me, but my mom also. nobody could have done it any better than you did. your suffering & pain hurt me just as much if not more than you. you are amazing & deeply missed. He is our blessing.

I’m writing my feelings down for my own self-therapy . Please bear with me and offer suggestions if you have any. I’ve done the egg-toss thing Randy I’m still suffering a great loss. Not only was my Dad my Dad but he really was better than my best friend. I was a part of him, we thought alike; we looked alike and developed a dependency on each other to get us through the rough spots. He was married 3 times and I accepted the enhancing herbs/paraphernalia stuff he would order from pop-up’s at my address. I was the only one he could trust. He was my sounding board as I was for him. Together we were always able to come up with the greatest solutions, well at least in our minds. We never caused major damage, so I would say we were successful. My life has changed so much since his death. I have a new job that fell in my lap, I love it but my teenager is contributing to my grief. I need him so badly. There is noone that could take his place. I’ve lost a pea in my pod.

Hi Kristi, I'm glad to hear that you are reaching out to get some help. As many have said, the serious iillness of one parent can cause upheaval in the family unit, let alone two! I am also in my forties, I offered to quit my job and move in with my Dad but he wouldn't let me do it. In hindsight, I really wish I was in the position to be his full-time caretaker. Your parents are fortunate to have two adult children in the home. Another suggestion may be contacting your local community action agency. They offer many services for seniors (home chore, lawn care, cna's, respite, financial etc.) or can at least refer you to agencies that can. Most agencies have millages or grants which enable them to offer the services for free. Good luck and try to keep your chin up!

Thank you Peggy for sharing that with us. I knew she came from a large family who has endured their share of tragedy. She was loved absolutely by us and so many others. How could you not want to be friends with one of those special people that come along so rarely in your life? She had a sense of humor that made many question their own serious stance of life. I'm glad she's going back to Hawaii. And I'm so sorry for you loss.

I got your battleship!

Dana, I can't comment much on the whole God, Faith and lack of control stuff, but the emotions you are feeling right now are thoughts you would feel if you outlived your mom regardless of cause. It hurts, I know. Our parents are our rocks and we know with them, we will always have a supportive, unconditional friend. I know it's hard, but try to use this time to spend every moment possible with Mom and not challenge your faith. You can take the test later. Whatever will be, will. My prayers are with you and your family.

Pam, Thank you for letting us know. Cindi was a dear friend to alot of us. She hadn't posted since Feb 2007 when there was conflict with her and another board member. At that time, all sorts of accusations were flying, including that she was an imposter. Is this why she left us last year? Please PM me and tell me about her last year. My heart just breaks, I read this at work and I'm now home and able to unblock my game face and have a good cry. She was such a beautiful person and I tried to help from a distance and would have done anything for her. However, I lost contact. I hope she had a peaceful passing and didn't suffer. May she rest in peace.

Leslie, I know how you feel kinda, except I have a different mantra that is constantly running through my head: "I love him more than life". I caught myself thinking this yesterday and thought, wow. I find myself hurting when good things happen and I really hope they can still see in our world. My daughter was MVP of her basketball team (I was MIP of mine, and Dad and I both were bench warmers) and she also accomplished something else nobody in our family has done. She was inducted into the National Honor Society. My Dad always told me I spoiled the kid rotten, I wasn't raising her right and she'll be nothing but a handful. Okay, I better stop. I'm at work and the tears are flowing. I feel your tremendous loss Leslie, I really do.

Hey Missy, That baby boy of yours is absolutely adorable! I'm seven months out and I was fortunate that Dad never withered and he never presented as physically sick. He was weak but probably weighed over 200 lbs when he died. I too, envy the elderly. Their family is so fortunate to have them. My Dad as your Mom, died too young. We have to move on, somehow and someway. I too am struggling. Take care and give that little guy a kiss from me:).

Michelle, From what you have said, your Dad never really appreciated the lake house as you guys have. Maybe you can approach it like this: Dad, we know you have chosen to move on with your life and that is your choice to make. As siblings we have fond memories of the lake house and would like to relieve you of the property. What would you consider is the fair market value? We'd like to keep the house in our family for many generations and are willing to buy it. Put the ball in his court. He may appreciate the offer! Good luck, I know this is so hard for you.

Welcome back Jackie! There was a Twilight Zone like the story you described. I absolutely loved that episode.

Thanks for sharing this Ann. My Dad's dog Bear died a month after him and I can't tell you how many times I heard "Gawd Dammit Sheri" from my cantankerous Dad. What I wouldn't give to hear that again. He loved that Dog. When I brought Bear home to him over 15 years ago he would say to me "why don't you take him" whenever I complained about how he treated him. When I bought my own home and this was a possiblity, I was never asked again. The two of them went through treatment together; my Dad for cancer, Bear for heartworm. In the end, both of their kidneys wore out. He spent thousands of dollars for Bear's treatment and spoiled him rotten in later years. No food was good enough for Bear and he always shared in the nightly dinner. I miss them both terribly.

My daughter, sixteen years old, never left my or my Dad's side during the ten days he was in the hospital. He was comatose the whole time, he just appeared to be sleeping with labored breathing. If she were younger, there is no doubt I would have brought her to see him. Kids are more resilient than what we think. They'll cherish those last memories forever. You did the right thing.

Dad: 11/19/2004 7:47 PM: I'm going to go eat now. I'll be back in a while Sheri. God I love you. This was a few days after his small cell diagnosis. This made me cry. I don't know what I was thinking to pull this stuff up, I just needed to connect with him. Last night I had a dream of him, his father and my maternal grandfather who have all passed seated at a table. They were telling me my Dad can hear but he can't speak. I miss my best friend. I'm doing all I can to hold it together for me and my daughter.

Thanks everyone. Teri, I actually did play some of his music as loud as I could on the drive home. And Jen, this just cracked me up! I'm still laughing. As soon as I parked the car "Hotrod" ran right to my Dads resting place and crapped right at the head of the grave. I was so disgusted, I picked it up with my bare hand and threw it over the fence. Never thought that could have been a sign . I do know, my Dad would have laughed about it. When I was out there, I was screaming at my Dad to give me an obvious sign! I wasn't falling for bunnies, crickets or butterflies it would have to be something really unique. Maybe I'm just making it too hard on him. This made me think of a possible other sign. I came into work to get some stuff caught up on Martin Luther King Day. I also planned on meeting a couple of clients. Well when the client's kids came in they gave me a couple of fully bloomed Dandelions. It was four degrees outside and had been in single digits for about a week. I asked them where they got them and they said right there out in the yard. No, my Dad and I didn't have any special thing for Dandelion's but maybe that was a sign. Thanks everyone for all the replies, I know you hurt too and maybe someday, I can return the support.

I'm not sure that's a word, but I'm now convinced that is what death brings us. My Dad would have gave me a sign if there were some sort of afterlife. I spent an hour at his site tonight with rain pouring down my face and his dog crapping at my side. I realized we may never have the answers to our insipid questioning of life.

I was at my daughters basketball game tonight and when I had the chance, I told her to win this one for Papa. Her 16 yr old self brushed me off as if I was bothering her. This was a game my Dad would have been at. Halftime, I went out to my car and cried my eyes out. The fog is lifting and I'm so afraid I'm going to fall apart. One of the last things my Dad said to me was I needed a new job. He was right, my last job stripped all of our healthcare benefits. Two months after his death, a job fell in my lap, more money and great benefits. Today, I got chewed out by the boss because a grant report was not submitted that I had no clue was due. I stayed late and guessed what report was to be submitted and did so. I feel like walking into the bosses office tomorrow and telling her, out of the top two worst things that could ever happen to me, one has already occurred. The other would be my daughter dying. I just want to escape, go sprawl myself on my Dad's grave and die. The shock of his death is wearing off and I'm intolerant of small shyt. Losing my job, my house and livelihood pales in comparison to the great loss I've already endured. I'd give it all up to have him back. I AM my Dad, only female and younger. If I could talk to him right now, he'd put me back in perspective. He was the more sensible of us two. He was married three times and told me I was his soulmate and best friend. I just want him and I've been screaming at the top of my lungs tonight for him. I am under medical supervision and have many therapists in my work at my disposal. I think this may be the beginning of a complete breakdown. I hope dawn brings a new light.

You know, I'm not paranoid at all. I know this may sound weird with what I've been through, but I'm not afraid of cancer or death. I lost my best friend and confidant to it. Three years ago I feared it, but now I would almost welcome it. I would hate for anything to happen to my daughter though and I do need to stick around awhile for her.

Thanks everyone. I know you are all hurting also and I hope the day passed with ease. I just wanted to add that when I went back to my best friends house and her mother was trying to comfort me, I asked her "would you want Theresa to forget about you on Christmas and move on after four months?". She said no. I may have been a bit blunt to a second mother I've known for over 20 years but I'm tired of people telling me to get over it and move on. How can I move out of a 40 year stint with my Dad in 4 months or 4 years? I can't. A note to all lung cancer survivors and anyone reading this: My Dad never thought he would die. I don't think I'll die. Please make your wishes known on paper so you don't leave more hardship than death on your loved ones. Your absence will be devastating enough. Make provisions for everything you love and hold dear.

What have you done? I drank a beer. I broke down in my best and one of my oldest friends bathroom and she came in and told me I have to "move on" for my daughter. I composed myself and told her Mom we were going to the cemetary. In her best english voice (she's Japanese) she said "Cemetary, why cemetary?" I told her it was because I wanted to light a candle there for my Dad. She said "No, Sheri, you have to move on, you drank a beer, no more beer". Perfect. I don't drink beer and I won't miss my Dad on Christmas, how easy can that be? I didn't drink any more beer, went to my Dad's forgotten resting place, pressed my footprints in the virgin snow and lit a candle and balled my eyes out. We haven't had snow in this part of Michigan in two weeks. I asked my daughter if we should stop at Papa's house and she gave me an adamant negative headshake. I asked why and she said because the stepmother would have her family there and they were probably having a good time. I'm having a hard time wrapping myself around this. As some of you may recall, I was locked out of my childhood home a week after my Dad died. Two weeks after he died, I put to sleep and buried his 14 year old mutt (who I gave to my Dad and cared for). The day I buried Bear, I learned my Uncle acquired Dad's home by default, he co-signed for a re-fi 15 years earlier. I knew about that loan, but my Dad had since refinanced and added my Stepmother to the house without the Uncles consent, so we thought he was long out of the picture. Before my Dad died, he wanted to add me to the house also and the stepmother agreed. If my Dad had any knowledge his brother was still on the house, I would have known. The stepmother is now sucking up to my Uncle so she can retain her lifestyle and my sister and I are the evil stepchildren. Everything I acquired during childhood is in that house. My bike, my yearbooks, my diploma, my high school notes and clothes and most importantly, my Dad's stuff. I'd love to pick up one of his shirts and just smell it. I miss him so much. I think I'll just have a beer.

Thanks for the laugh! I can just see you wanting to take that award out of the poor kids hand! I'm still cracking up. I love Mexican food. What material thing have you lost or gave away that you wished you had back?