Sheri

Wow Val, your post reminded me of our D-day. I know how hard it is. On November 16th of 2004 my Dad was diagnosed. I remember going to see the pulmonologist, with his leather mini-skirted receptionist, and crying as we heard the words small cell. My Dad and I hugged out in the parking lot as I cried and that damn receptionist walked by and stared at me like I was a freak. My Dad reassured me this would not kill him. Boy my world went into a tailspin that day and I've been having some really bad days lately. I am fortunate that my daughter is compassionate and does special stuff for me when she knows I'm grieving. She knows how much I loved him. Ever since she was born my Dad and her would compete for my affection. I try not to grieve in front of her but yesterday she left me alone for most of the day and my swollen eyes gave me away upon her return. I hope this day passes as easy as possible for you. And Val, I'm sure you were a terrific person before her diagnosis. Don't beat yourself up, it may be that you just appreciate things more now. I never thought I'd lose my Dad at my age either. He had his Dad until he was 64.

Nova, My Dad had cyberknife, I suppose it just depends on the location. Unfortunately, we were keeping an eye on the mass in his lungs and he probably died of a pulmonary embolism. Good luck, I do know different centers have different stipulations. Call around!

Rochelle, Like everyone else, I have no words of comfort. This was totally unexpected and I hope your mind and body mechanisms are able to get you through this most difficult time. The shock I've experienced from my Dad's death has really sheltered me from the enormous grief. I hope you are given the same mercy. I'm so very sorry.

How awesome Maryanne! Thank you for all that you guys do.

Connie, I'm sorry your mom is feeling bad side effects from the chemo. Have you been with her to the appts and making sure she is getting all the preventative nausea meds? My Dad was 66 when he began chemo and aside from fatigue he sailed right through it. The only time he was miserably sick is when he was having concurrent radiation. That didn't last long and he was soon on his way to remission, which he enjoyed for over a year. What I have found about small cell is it grows very fast but also responds very well initially to chemo. I'll never forget when we walked out of the oncologist's with a clean report and my Dad said "Wow, that was easy!". I told him to knock on wood, it was a stupid thing to say. Without chemo, his cancer would have spread like wild fire and we wouldn't have enjoyed our last 2 and 3/4 years together. Something else I've learned through this journey is your mother's female gender is on her side. People do survive small cell. Instead of rallying the troups to discontinue treatment, please read the SCLC forum from last post to first. You'll find success stories in there. Find out if she is getting preventative anti-nausea drugs and print out positive posts. Then let her decide. I wish her the best! Also, Carboplatin is much easier on the system then Cisplatin, maybe you can ask that she be switched to it. Most Oncologists agree it is as effective with less side effects. Ninety percent of all limited small cell patients achieve remission after therapy. Keep your eyes on the prize!

Karen, I'm so sorry about your Dad. Yeah, this is tough. It's been two months for me and I'm still anticipating a time when my grief will immobolize me. We just have to take it one step, one day at time. My best to you Karen.

Teri, I admire you so! I wish my stepmother had the same empathy and concern as you. I guess all I can offer is to keep them in the loop. My SM is in a self protection mode, trying to hang onto my Dad's assets and could give a damn about us children. My sister on the other hand has been a god-send, she checks on me regularly as she's afraid, I'm going to completely lose it. We've been taking bets on when the SM will remarry. I know my Dad didn't mean to leave us in this mess, he just thought he would never die. You must mean the world to your step-children and they may be trying to protect you. You're very compassionate and giving. I'm sure you are doing all you can do and then some. Take care of yourself Teri.

Your grief is immeasurable. I’m glad to read that you are trying to move forward during this very difficult time. Stay strong Teri, you are an inspiration to us all.

She was featured in an anticipatory grief article. Joyce, it was nice to read your words. I hope you and your boys are doing as well as you can be.

I'm so very sorry for your incredible loss.

My Dad passed about a month and a half ago. I’m not going to go into all the sordid details but I would be interested in talking with other family survivors who are dealing with the aftermath. I believe everyone acknowledges in my small family that my Dad’s death hit me hard and I am grieving immensely. We truly were best friends and kept nothing from each other. Just for example purposes, he was the pop-up king and when he received a pop-up that his unit could be extended or whatever, it was my house these products went to. I know a little weird, but he trusted me with his innermost secrets. My Dad died without a will and the day after his funeral, his brother Rick, the person he said I would be able to trust, began delving into my Dad’s financial affairs. About three weeks later all the locks were changed on my Dad’s house and my stepmother of ten years said Rick did it and she didn’t know why, call him. I did and Rick wanted to hold a family meeting that night. Six hours earlier, I had my Dad’s 14 year old dog euthanized and buried him because of kidney failure. Losing Bear was like losing my Dad again and I was an emotional wreck. Saturday night, Rick told my sister and I, he owned my Dad’s house, though, he had never put a penny into it. He will now decide on the distribution. Dad needed him as a co-signer in 1993, after my Dad’s second divorce. He was placed on the deed and was never removed and had survivor’s benefits. My Dad paid off the house in 2002 and put my stepmother (M) on the deed upon her insistence. Ever since his diagnosis, he wanted me on the title and the new mortgage they made to buy a truck, my grandparent’s property and home repair. Like the will, my Dad never thought he would die, the property transaction never happened. In 2002, he did leave me with a handwritten note, before his diagnosis and refinance, that he would like my stepmother to have a life long lease on the property and the house would go to his kids upon his demise. Anyway, my uncle told me he couldn’t trust me and when I asked him why he said “because you expected M to pay for the insurance on your Dad’s car that you are driving”. My daughter turned sixteen this summer and I needed his spare car. Shocked, I looked at him and M and said no, I gave her all my credit card information to make the insurance payment. He looked in disbelief; she grunted something incoherent, blamed it on her grief but the writing was on the wall. She had been disseminating lies to hurt my character. I’ve decided to wash my hands of it. I don’t want anything to do with this mess. Out of my Dad's $200,000 dollars in equity, I would just like my Dad to have a headstone. There’s not enough Xanax in the world that can get me through my Dad’s death and the family infighting that will ensue. I know this is long but if you have the time to read the email I wrote to my uncle, please do. If you don’t want to disclose your dirty laundry, please PM me as I need to hear from other’s who have been overwhelmed by death and relatives. And Katie, this includes you! Here's the email: First, I would like to apologize for my emotional outburst last night. This letter is not an effort to excuse my behavior; it’s an attempt to clear up what I perceive as misconceptions. My Dad trusted me unconditionally. This was a trust I earned and treasured. As I’ve taught my daughter and as my Dad taught me, integrity is a person’s most valuable asset. My Dad literally trusted me with his life for which I miserably failed to save. I hope in time, I’ll be able to forgive myself and find peace. It saddens me that I have given you reason not to trust me Rick. I’ve always respected you, Dad told me you were the one person I could count on in the event of his death. I’m deeply grieving my father and this is another hurtful circumstance I would rather not confront. But I must, my only rationale for your mistrust is one side of a story is left untold. When my Dad was diagnosed, he was seriously considering divorce. I have hours of ICQ chat logs that describes Mabel’s malevolence and the anguish he endured in the marriage. There was nothing Dad and I kept from each other, it was a very close father and daughter relationship that unfortunately not all parents/offspring are able to enjoy. November 18th 2004, my Dad walked out of the doctor’s office alone and called me on his cell to tell me he had lung cancer. We cried, I frantically googled lung cancer and with all the scary statistics, I told him this was grim and he said “I know”. Mabel was at work and she had received word that her sister was in a serious car accident, so Dad and I decided to wait until she came home from work to tell her. This was the day our world forever changed. Subsequently, I spent every spare waking hour researching small cell cancer for a cure I could not find. With a prognosis of 12-18 months, I called Mabel at work one day to ask her to consider other placement for her son Steve. He had been living there for a few months and with the realization that my Dad may be living his last year; we would want it to be as pleasurable as possible. [As a very hard worker, my Dad loathed Steve for his sloth.] Mabel said she would take care of it, hung up on me and we didn’t speak for months. Of course I caught hell from Dad, I had no business calling her and his home life would then be compromised by her wrath. He was right and I apologized profusely. She never bothered to find placement for Steve, which indicated to me she didn’t care about Dad’s happiness and Dad kept the peace for a few more months until he could take it no more. During his roughest months of chemotherapy and radiation he asked Steve around 1:00 PM to get out of bed and complete a chore. Steve got in Dad’s face, was ready to fight him and said “this is half my Mom’s house too”. At this point, Dad put his foot down and Steve was gone. As I’ve learned in my studies and witnessed in real life, people who have a super sweet side also have an equal evil side. I would classify Mabel as one of these people. She has an agenda and it seems you’ve fallen for it… hook, line and sinker. My Dad would have appreciated a working ceiling fan, outside lights and locking doors while he was alive. I know nothing about electric but I did try to fix the door. Tara and I spent almost every weekend with him after his diagnosis taking care of maintenance, fixing his satellite dish, watching movies, paying bills and just enjoying the time we had. As a teenager, Tara gave up many Saturday nights for her Papa. I digress. On several occasions, I asked my Dad to prepare a will. If he wanted Mabel and her son to have the house, that was okay. I just needed to know that is what he wanted. Well, as we now know, he didn’t leave that will. I expressed to him, I didn’t want anything, but I would rather the house go to charity then Mabel’s son. He assured me that would never happen. The day after my Dad’s funeral you began delving into his finances. I’ll admit, I was appalled. Unless Dad told you something he didn’t tell me, he wouldn’t have considered his finances your business. I have his online banking information, he showed me what bills needed to be paid and I would have discovered the back taxes in due time. Your involvement was too much, too soon. My Dad’s estate owes for that mortgage whether we can find a loophole or not. He always paid his bills and he would honor that debt if he were still alive. I wish you would have discussed the possibility of you still owning the house while he was alive. Regardless of what Mabel proclaims, that mortgage paid for the truck, the roofing on the house, remodeling of the kitchen and my grandparent’s property. Up until November of last year, I had been paying $150.00 per month for my portion of my grandparent’s property. At that time, Dad told me to not worry about the payments, but help Mabel with the mortgage payment if he died. I agreed to do this, yet you stepped in and I don’t know which way is up. Again, regardless of what Mabel tells you, she has over $60,000 in CD’s that my Dad would not let her spend. This money came from the proceeds of the last man in her life who died from lung cancer. With Dad and Bear gone, I have no reason to go to his house. I understand it is Mabel’s residence and can fully respect this. I wish you would have involved me in the process of changing the locks as I would have fully understood. Somehow, I’ve been viewed as the evil step child. I’m not stupid, I’m sad and feeling I have to resolve extraneous issues prematurely. In closing, as I said last night, I offered to pay for the Lincoln’s insurance (actually I thought I had paid it), and I also offered to help Mabel with the payments for Bear when he was admitted last Monday. I also paid over $200.00 to have him home with me for one last night and to have him euthanized. I’m not sure what your interest is in his estate. He was your brother but he was my Dad, the only one I’ll ever have. My hope is you share the same integrity as he. love, Sheri

Wow, everyone has said it so well. Yes, losing a parent may be in the natural order of things but at such a young age? What's the natural order of losing a spouse? Someone is going to die first. My Dad lost his father when he was 62, his mother is still alive and my Dad and his wife of eight years were on the brink of divorce upon his diagnosis. This was both of their third marriages. Do I think she is grieving as hard as me? I don't know because I don't know the true measure of her love. All I know is my grief is tremendous, I suspect hers is too and I would never get into a pissing contest over who is suffering more. So losing a spouse compared to a parent is subjective and should never be painted with a broad brush. Often people remarry after losing a spouse. We will never be able to gain another parent. We are only given two. I hope your group lightens up, I haven't quite gotten to the support group stage yet. It's all still too surreal to me

He died peacefully in my arms on Monday 8-13 at 6:45 AM. I snuggled him in his hospital bed as we slept together all night. He never experienced any pain and went as most of would like to: painless and in our sleep. We never got enough time, he was comatose since August 5th. I will cling to every last word he did say upon admittance to the hospital. His obituary: TECUMSEH — Ronald Stanley Ott, 68, passed away Monday, Aug. 13, 2007, surrounded by his loved ones at Herrick Memorial Hospital in Tecumseh. Ron was born Jan. 8, 1939, in Chatham, Ontario, Canada, the son of Stanley and Louise (McLean) Ott. Ron was a 1957 Lakeville Memorial High School graduate. Upon graduation Ron enlisted in the United States Navy where he served honorably as a naval officer until his retirement in 1977. On Jan. 12, 1996, Ron married Mabel Haydon and she survives. After retirement, Ron owned and operated Kwik Fix Windshield Repair for many years. He was an avid boxing fan and enjoyed playing hockey. In addition to his wife, Mabel, Ron leaves behind a legacy of love in his mother, Louise Ott; his brothers, Larry (Linda) Ott and Rick (Brenda) Ott; his children, Stephen Ott, Dayna (Roger) Meyers, Sharon Ott, Ronnie Ott, and his stepson, Steven Reams. He is also survived by five grandchildren, Shannon, Lauren, Kristin, Tara and Eric; two great-grandchildren T.J and Keian, and several nieces and nephews. He was preceded in death by his father and will be deeply missed by all of his family and those who knew him. Funeral services will be held at J. Gilbert Purse Funeral Home in Adrian, on Thursday, Aug. 16, 2007, at 2 p.m. with the Rev. David Bowman officiating. The family will receive friends at the funeral home on Wednesday from 4 to 8 p.m. Interment will take place at Riverside Cemetary in Clinton, with Military Honors conducted by the Tecumseh American Legion #34 and the Tecumseh V.F.W #4187. Memorial contributions may be made to the Southeast War Memorial Foundation, P.O. Box 3005, Orange, TX 77631, to help with the museum restoration of his favorite naval ship, the USS Orleck. Contributions can also be made to the LUNGgevity Foundation, 2421 N. Ashland Ave., Chicago, IL 60614. Condolences may be made to the family at www.pursefuneralhome.com.

Maryanne, Thanks for posting this and I was thrilled to read that Cindi's absence is due to a computer problem and that she is doing well. When you talk to her next will you please tell her to call me???? I've been sooooo worried about her. If she lost my numbers I would be happy to PM them to you to pass along. Thanks again for posting, you don't know how much relief this post provided me!

I received this in my email and thought I would share: There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well,to be honest,I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So,I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork the best is yet to come." The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep their fork." Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. And keep your fork.

Jen, I'm so sorry your Dad is having a rough time. My Dad's personality really wasn't altered by PCI, but I have noticed that as people age they do and say whatever they want. And you know what? I say they should go for it, they are at the top of the food chain and deserve the respect they have given for so many years. Not all of the our aged population take advantage of this liberty, but some do. I may myself when the time comes . As Katie said, we don't know as caregivers truly how it feels to be facing our own life-threatening disease. I try to get into my Dad's head but it's not something he can easily communicate, and it's not something I can truly understand while I'm in good health. I hope your Dad is on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds or at least willing to take them. My Dad was never pleasant to begin with, but these last two months on steroids, he's downright nasty. Yesterday, he noticed his mouse buzzer thingy in the garage wasn't blaring full blast. Of course this was my fault (it may very well have been, the noise is irritating like a default alarm clock sound blaring constantly, and my daughter and I take care of the lawn and other maintanence stuff for the house so we access the garage) and he yelled at me and told me I should pray to God to give me a brain. I humored him, fell to my knees and prayed for just that. I know he's not feeling well, this coupled with the steroids make him almost intolerable. But he's my Dad and I love him unconditionally as he has always loved me. Pray for strength Jen. I know you love your Dad unconditionally also, it's another bump in the road. Whatever you can do to help out Mom would be great too. Take her out and treat her to something special. I'm sure this hasn't been a picnic for her and she would appreciate some time with her kids that isn't cancer or Dad related. I wish nothing but the best for your family, keep us updated and I hope your days get easier.

John, you've done remarkably well for a SCLC survivor. Are they sure it's not a new primary and possibly something other than SC? If my Dad made it 4 years without a recurrence of SC, I'd want a biopsy of any new areas. Wishing you the best and if you do make your pilgrimage to MI, Dad and I would love to meet you and your Mabel. He has a Mabel too and I'm sure your M is also a saint. Doxcil and Gemzar seems like a different chemo from the normal protocol for small cell, but what do I know, I'm not a doctor, just a psych grad, turned armchair oncologist. I didn't have a choice. My Dad's Onc said I had one patient and he had hundreds. Unfortunately, he has the MD and I'm on my own. My best of luck to you and please keep us posted!

Teri, I certainly didn't come to this board tonight expecting to read that Bill passed. There are no words of comfort I can offer, but I want to thank you for encouraging the rest of us to keep up the good fight. As Bill would say "it is what it is" and from what you have described, I'm sure he is comfortable in his afterlife. I'm just so very sorry you had to lose him. Peace be with you and your family during this time of great loss.

Hi Linzy, I'm sorry I'm late to this thread but felt compelled to respond because of your well-justified disparity. I don't know if I'll be able to type this up before someone else beats me to the "get a second opinion"! What kind of LC do you have? Are the lymph nodes involved confined to the same area of the chest as the primary? If so, you may still be in an operable stage after chemo and radiation. Sounds like your doctor isn't being very proactive. Ask for the pathology report, post it to our very own Dr. West at Onctalk.com and see what he says. Wipe that 12 months out of your head. I've learned so much about lung cancer, with the limited information you have given us I would still venture to guess, you are probably very treatable, possibly curable!

I've heard that steroids are sometimes used during and after PCI. Headaches and nausea are a sign of dangerous brain swelling and steroids are an anti-inflamatory. My Dad never had them with PCI, but he has been on Decadron for about a month anticipating the cyberknife and I'll tell you, they are wicked. His roid rage is awful and he's very difficult to be around. But I guess her Doctor would be the one to know if she needs them or not depending on her symptoms. My best wishes to her, PCI left my Dad drained for a few months.

I haven't had stage 4 cancer so I don't know how it really feels. I am dealing with my Dad though who expects to be waited on hand and foot. Well, he is. The other day, I was in his computer room researching stuff for him and asked him to refill my Pepsi and sure enough he was capable. My StepMom and me have made it easy for him, but as caregivers and not the actual survivor ourselves we want to make life as easy as possible for him. Your hubby could be dealing with depression, who wouldn't be after being diagnosed with a possible terminal disease? Check into anti-depressants. You've done a great job setting him up with his creature comforts. Don't feel bad about that. Good luck to you and your hubby. I know it get's frustrating to be a caregiver but we wouldn't prefer the alternative.

Wow Cindy, His battle really was short and you really haven't had enough time to process his diagnosis, let alone his death. I'm so very sorry. Do what you have to do to get through this and try not to worry about what others think of your grieving process. It's yours and yours alone. You own it and they can't buy it as much as you would like to sell. I wish you and your family peace during the days ahead.

Aaron, absolutely, I would want the primary gone. When my Dad was first diagnosed with SCLC, they always assume the disease is systemic so they don't normally do surgery. I fantasized about taking my Dad to the emergency room and shooting him where his tumor was so they had to take it out! We'll he wasn't going to go for that, but I envisioned the primary to be the flagship tumor, so why not remove it? Maybe Dr. West will join this thread but a couple of months ago in chat (the log is in "ask the experts", I think) I asked him if met's met. He said something to the effect that the medical community wasn't sure. Sooo, if met's don't met and the primary is gone, is there a chance you won't have any further spread? I dunno. You're so young, I'm sure you could handle the surgery, you're challenge will be convincing someone to do it. Good luck to you Aaron, I hope you are able to have surgery done.

Hi Rhonda, My Dad had Camptosar also as second line treatment. After his first infusion, he sh*t his pants on the way home . He wore a Depends to the next session. Other than that he was tired, which he's been since he started treatment in the beginning. But the good thing is, it worked! His node and lung lesion were resolved. Good luck to your Mom!

I received the call today at 3:00 PM. I'm so thrilled they are expediting his treatment. This morning he barely made it from the bathroom to his couch, the skull met is putting pressure on his brain and he had the shakes and dizziness. The "spell" only lasted about 2 minutes, otherwise he has been in good health and pain-free. I called him and told him about the start of treatment and how he has to make it through the weekend and after that he'll be ok. He assured me, he'll be fine and is looking forward to being treated. I just love that man, steroid induced personality and all! We'd appreciate any and all prayers for successful treatment and I'll keep you guys updated on his condition. Thanks so much for being here!