MsC1210

WOW... well first let me say I am really, really touched and humbled by all of these wonderful replies. I actually don't know what to say as thank you seems so shallow in light of the outpouring of love and concern here, but it is all I have.. so, THANK YOU.. ALL. SO MUCH. The messages here, the PM's, the emails, the facebook messages, the phone calls.. WOW.. I am just so overwhelmed and thankful.. I had thought that my mind was made up and that I was certain that stepping away was the right thing to do. I thought that since Jerry is gone that my place here was pretty much over and done. I can see now that maybe I was mistaken. I really am speechless here.. I know I am not ready to fully "be" here right now. I need to be with Mom right now and get her through things and help her out with the aftermath. Anyone who has lost someone knows what I am talking about, there is that never ending list of details that need to be dealt with and settled as well as that rollercoaster ride called grief. (she is holding up ok at the moment but still in big time denial..) So, I guess since the Hall Pass Monitor made it clear that I can have a pass, I will ask for a pass to get my head straightened out and figure out what I need to do for Mom and then ME and hopefully I can come back and be able to provide support and hope on a better level than I could do right now. I want to share my experience with Hospice and the last few days that we had with Jerry, as difficult as that will be. I think there is a lot to be learned from it all and hope that when I am able to share it, that it will help..... Right now though, I am not ok and I am just not ready to be here. I feel so selfish saying that. Wow, I just don't know what else to say other than thank you so very much...... I am so touched and so grateful to you all.... See you again, sooner rather than later I hope.... Love and hugs and again, my deepest and most heartfelt thanks.. Chris

I want to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers during the past month +. It has been so wonderful to have a place to go to share my feelings as well as those of my Mom during Jerry's short but brutal fight with LC. I've been doing a lot of thinking, again, about my place here with LCSC. I had begun to consider taking some time away from here before Jerry got so sick as I had really been feeling out of place. Several comments had been made that made me feel as though I really did not belong here and I had just about decided that it was time for me to simply move on and pursue other ventures. Then Jerry got sick and I needed to be here. I still did not always feel as though I belonged, but I needed to know that somewhere, someone could relate to the emotions I was feeling, and still am, and help me to make sense of them. I have always tried to remain neutral in the conflicts and controversies that arise, they are normal with so many wonderful people from so many different walks of life all coming together. I did my best not to judge ANYONE, and did my best to offer support and hope and a shoulder to anyone who needed it. I did my best to continue to reach out to anyone even as I walked this horrible road myself. I think at this stage I am going to step away and take time to get my head back together as helping my Mom and Jerry through this has been so very, very hard for me and it did bring back all of the painful memories and nightmares I endured as Brad tried so hard to win his battle as well. I think that even though I was not a true caregiver or family member, according to some, that the experiences I have had with Brad and now again with Jerry have changed me forever and I am really not as strong as I had hoped I could be. I wish you all well, I wish you all peace and happiness and will continue to hold you in my prayers. I am sorry I feel the way I do, but I don't want to add to the controversies here and I don't feel that I truly belong anymore. I hope you can all understand. I did try to do my best and I am so sorry for not being able to do more. My love and my never ending thanks to all of you, especially Katie and Rick for making this site possible to those who are so desperately in need... Christine

Deb My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I am so very sorry Christine

Adding my well wishes and prayers for Rich. Christine

Debbie My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this very difficult time. Christine

Jerry passed early this morning in my Mom's arms. Thank you all for your kindness, your prayers, your words of support and your caring thoughts. He is no longer in pain and he is at peace. Love and hugs Christine

I am home for a bit and wanted to update. Mom called this morning and said that Jerry had a terrible night. I went straight down and have been there all day. The difference from 48 hours ago is more than just shocking. The Hospice nurse came in and we have now stopped all medications except for the morphine which is now in liquid form and his xanax under the tongue. Both are now being given every hour. The nurse took me aside and asked if my Mom realized what was going on and I explained that she has been in serious denial. We decided that it was time to sit her down and try and prepare her as the nurse has informed us that the dying process has begun and it is simply a matter of time. We have met with the funeral director and gotten the preliminary details out of the way. What a heartwrenching ordeal to be planning someones funeral as they lay dying in the next room. I don't think I will ever, ever recover from this and be the same again. I am not sure how much longer we have but it is very, very near the end. I will try and update as I get the chance. Love and hugs Chris

Hi... I figured I better start posting here before I get in trouble for being in the wrong spot on the forums. So.. here's the latest... I went and spent several hours with Mom and Jerry yesterday. Mom had the Hospice intake worker and the oxygen people scheduled to come in and she wanted me to be there to meet them. I really am very impressed with the Hospice worker. She was very warm, caring and just a pleasant lady to deal with. I have to say I was SHOCKED to see Jerry in as bad of shape as he is in and it hit me hard that Mom is in some very serious denial right now. I knew he was bad, how could he not be after all of the screw ups, all of the cancer in his body and all of the delays and other nonsense he's been through! He is so weak that he was in a recliner and had slipped down in the chair and could not even pull himself back to a comfortable position. He has no voice, speaks only in a whisper between the raspy rattling in his chest and even just sitting still he is short of breath. I am just heartbroken and so very, very sad. Anyway, I spoke with the Hospice lady, and she mentioned that Mom seems to be skirting reality a bit. I told her that I see that too and how surprised I was to see Jerry so bad. Mom had not quite been accurate in telling me how sick he is. Geri, the Hospice worker, told me that Jerry had actually checked himself out of the hospital. He apparently was not discharged as Mom had told me. And, Mom is telling everyone that he is going to be fine, he is on the chemo now at home (meaning the Tarceva) and that as long as he will eat and drink he will be just fine and this will all clear up and go away. Wow. Geri and I decided that for right now we will just let her go, this is her way of coping for the moment and she IS there and taking excellent care of him, so for now we will just leave this element alone. There is a registered nurse coming to evaluate Jerry and change the dressing on the bedsore and make sure his meds are ok and just do an overall check on him. I am not sure how often he/she will be coming in yet but it is a relief to know that someone will be keeping up with things. I have a list of the meds he is taking and OMG... it is 2 pages long! It seems that every med he gets needs another med to counteract the side effects. ugh... I am really sorry that this is so rambling and disjointed. I am still reeling from yesterday and trying to get my emotions in check and stop the memories of Brad from creeping back in. Not doing so well with any of this but I will somehow manage. I hate this so much. I keep hearing my grandmother saying God never gives us more than we can handle.. I am beginning to wonder about that.... Thanks for being here.. Love and hugs Chris

Dar, I am so very sorry. Please accept my heartfelt condolences and sympathies Warmly Christine

Hi Everyone.. Well the news is mixed tonight. Mom and Jerry got to the VA Hospital at 8am and the doctor came in around 9. He took a look at Jerry and said there is NO WAY he could do the procedure today as Jerry is just too weak and was not going to be able to withstand it. UGH UGH UGH. The doctor decided MAYBEEE he would send him back to the ER and rehydrate him then send him home again. Mom and Jerry's son who was there stepped in and said NO! After some words about that Jerry did get admitted. Tomorrow he will be seen by and ear,nose and throat specialist to evaluate his inability to speak or swallow and then he will be having a full body scan (not sure exactly what type of scan, Mom was so tired she was having trouble reading her notes) and if he is not able to endure the bronchoscopy they will do a needle biopsy. So MAYBE, just MAYBE we will eventually find out what type of lung cancer this is. Mom said it has been a constant parade of doctors in and out all day and there seems to be a good chance that they will be starting chemo and/or radiation within the next day or 2. I will post again tomorrow when I am more able to compose my thoughts a little better. Jamie, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Yours was the feeding tube post I was thinking of and could not find!!!!! I will get into all of that tomorrow too! Thanks so much for all of the thoughts and prayers, please keep them coming.. Hugs Chris

Hello and welcome Shedevil Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you today. Hoping these nodules are nothing.. Warmly Christine

Hello Robin and welcome. I am so very sorry about hebbie and am hoping that your mother in law is doing well. Christine

Nova and Jacob I am so very sorry. Please accept my sincere and heartfelt sympathies and condolences Warm hugs Christine

Randy thank you for that piece. I tracked it down hoping to learn more but was not successful. If you have more informaiton I would really appreciate it. I did print that bit out and will give it to Mom to discuss with the doctors. Carole. the reason we are looking for information about a feeding tube is that the weight loss issue is severe at this point. Jerry is not opposed to the idea as he is aware he needs to get his strength up in order to be able to fight this with any degree of success. It is only a temporary thing to help get him back on his feet. I know there had been a couple of members a while back that had this done and they were very, very glad they did as it gave them the edge so to speak. Everyone.... today is the day. And, it almost got lost in the frenzy, today is Jerry's actual 71st birthday. Praying so hard that he gets some good news and some serious relief for the breathing issues,as there could be no greater or better gift. As I type this, the procedure SHOULD be ongoing. I will post more later when I hear from Mom. In the meantime thank you all for your replies. I am really still hoping to hear from those who have done the feeding tube.. Will do a search and see if I can find those memnbers. Chris

Hello again. I spoke to Mom this morning and Jerry is doing "ok". We are in the northeast and being blanketed with the incredibly hot and humid air, so I was almost surprised when she said he was doing "ok". She said she has the A/C on and fans going and he is on the sofa watching tv and sipping Gatorade. A simple solution to his dislike of plain water! Mom asked me to post and get some ideas from all of you about what type of things she can do after the bronchoscopy tomorrow. One thing I mentioned to her was to ask about a feeding tube since he is not able to eat much and his weight is continuing to decrease. Right now he is hovering somewhere around 100lbs. I know there have been a couple of members who have had the feeding tube inserted on a short term basis and I'd love to be able to share those stories with her and Jerry. One new development, not too surprising really, is that he started coughing up some blood Friday. This is the first noticeable blood he has had. I am so glad that they are doing the procedure tomorrow. It was mentioned in one of my other posts that Jerry should qualify for palliative care. I did some research on that before I mentioned it to Mom as I did NOT want to toss out the Hospice word to her and get her mind going in that direction. This morning I was able to introduce that thought to her, mentioning that he may benefit from having a nurse make home visits to check on his hydration, etc and be able to set up an IV if needed. I pointed out to her that this service would make things so much easier for her AND Jerry as it would potentially eliminate the need to drive to Albany in a crises. She agreed and said she would talk to the local doctor about this. We DID talk about hospice, too and she is aware of the services they provide. I have to be so careful bringing ANY of this up as I don't want to put the wrong idea in her head. It is such a stressful time as this is Mom's first time actually dealing with any type of cancer. I had the whole experience of going through this with Brad, but never shared all of his ordeal with her. I have a bit of an idea of what we have ahead, she is clueless. So, I guess the whole point of this post is to get advice and input that I can print out and share with Mom. I am so grateful, in advance for all of your help. Hugs to all, Chris

Hi Again, Mom called me this morning with the latest news/update. Jerry will be going to Albany, NY Veterans Hospital on Monday. She was able to speak to the doctor yesterday when the arrangements were made and got some additional information. The initial scan shows a 2.6 cm lesion in the bottom portion of the right lung. There is also concern about the pleura and the rib(s). This is really sounding worse and worse as more information is coming out. The doctor indicated that he will be recommending another CT scan when Jerry gets to Albany in order to have a good baseline between the scan from 2 weeks ago and a new one. I have given Mom the standard, "get a notebook, take notes, ask questions, ask again if you don't understand, etc etc, but most importantly WRITE IT ALL DOWN". She also has been great about asking for copies of the tests, etc and has just about everything in hand now. I am so glad I have learned so much from my time here prior to this. Thank you ALL for being so wonderful about sharing your experiences and advice. I don't even have words to express what you all mean to me right now. Please keep us in your prayers as I have a gut feeling this may well be the beginning of a very difficult fight. And, I am really, really scared. My love and thanks and huge hugs to all Chris

((((Barb)))) Just hugs and prayers for you... I wish I had magic words to make things easier. As for this woman, perhaps it would be a good idea to do as Randy suggested and check into a restraining order AND check into the laws in your state regarding stalking. This is just so much additional stress that you do not need and I feel that there must be some legal way to end it once and for all and restore your peace of mind at least as far as this issue goes. Again, hugs and prayers, Warmly Christine

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and the prayers and the concern. It is funny as I was thinking over the past couple of weeks that I was not sure I was going to stay here much longer. I was feeling like I was not able to contribute as much as I would like to, had been feeling out of place over some comments I had read and well I thought maybe it was time for me to move on. Then this...... I hate cancer so much. There are just no words to even express how much I hate it..... Sorry I did not mean to get off on a tirade there.. Just so much in my head right now that I cannot even function... I spoke to Mom and the latest word is confusing to say the least. Originally we had been told all of the biospies would be done in Boston and then a plan of treatment etc would be discussed and put into place. NOW, however the doctors are thinking more toward sending Jerry out to Albany, NY VA hospital as it IS closer to us here and would sure make things easier travel~wise for Mom and the rest of us. BUT.. (isn't there always a but??) of course there is no way of knowing when they can take him in Albany. So we have the appt still with Boston for Tuesday but that is completely tentative and up in the air. This waiting is torture. I just continue to pray that this stupid spot is nothing more than scar tissue or some stupid infection. This not knowing is so damn hard. This is like reliving a nightmare that I had finally awoken from and begun to move away from. AARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH..... Thank god I have this site. I wish Mom was computer literate but she is scared to even turn a computer on never mind go on the INTERNET lol.. So, it will be me gaining strength, hope and information and advice from you all here and sharing it with her. I need you guys!!! Thanks for listening... Hugs Chris

Hi Everyone I am not sure where to post this so if the General forum is not where it fits best, please move it. When I first joined this board it was mere months after the loss of my best friend to a very aggressive form of lung cancer. I joined in hopes of finding peace of mind in helping others who are facing this horrific disease. I have been so blessed to have met so many wonderful, caring and good people here and I have sincerely gotten so much out of knowing that even the few simple words of support that I can offer, DO make a difference. Now I am here hoping to find that same support and compassion as I learned yesterday that my 71 year old step father may well be facing the fight of his life. He had been in and out of the hospital recently for what we all thought was a minor heart issue. His doctors at the V.A. sent him for a CAT scan and the results show at least one spot on his right lung. He had been having pain and shortness of breath but due to the fact he had only recently quit smoking it was thought that he had pulled a muscle or something similar. Mom is a wreck of course but she is doing her best to remain positive and I am doing my best to help her keep that outlook. We do NOT know for certain that this is a malignancy, but the doctors are feeling fairly confident that it is. We are now waiting on word from the veterans administration on when he will be sent out to Boston to have the biopsy done and from there we will know more. Please say a prayer and I will post as we know more. Thanks guys. I am so glad to be among friends who "get it". Love and hugs Christine

Dina I am so sorry about your Dad. Please accept my deepest sympathies and condolences. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Warmly Christine

((((Teri)))) I don't have any words of wisdom to help make this any easier but you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sending you lots of hugs... Christine

Hello Marie and welcome I am glad you have joined us. Warmly, Christine

I am so sorry. Please accept my heartfelt condolences and know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Warmly Christine

Hello David and welcome So sorry you had reason to find a site like this but I am glad you joined this one. Please let us know how we can help you as you fight this and know that we are always here for you. And always, ALWAYS feel free to vent. We are excellent listeners and we understand. Warmly Christine

Hi Pup Congrats on one year~ Keep fighting my friend. We are all here with you~ Hugs Christine