Remembering Dave

Val, as someone who's just lost their mother, too, I think that it's really really hard for a daughter - especially someone as young as you - and especially with a new baby - to lose their mother. you need your mother right now in your life. the void is going to be bigger for you than for alot of people. it's different. mothers and daughters - especially mothers who's daughter just made them a grandmother - is a relationship different than anything else in the world. I'm 47. I have a four year old. My mom and my four year old had a special thing. and now Mom's not here anymore. You're 20-something I guess, and you have a little baby. I'm feeling the loss of my mom in ways I could have never imagined coming. I will say that just about all the feelings of loss that I prepared for with Dave dying happened - I had grief preparation in advance with my shrink - and I was ready. Seriously. but no one or nothing could have prepared me for this. and trust me, when my mother lost her mother - she was 66, grandma was 94 - my mom had the same aching longing to have her back. at that age, too. hang in there. it WILL get better, I just know it, just don't press yourself to "get over it" because that will happen in a subtle fashion. Karen

Dennie, Elizabeth Withrow Elizabeth Withrow Dennie, 73, passed away at home in Glen Allen, Va., on January 25, 2006, after a courageous battle with colon cancer. She is survived by her husband of 49 years, Vincent; three children, David Dennie of Norfolk, Va., Karen Dennie Chapman of Mechanicsville, Va., and Joseph Dennie and his wife, Helen of Yorktown, Va.; one brother, Kenneth Withrow and his wife, Ruth of Rainelle, W.Va.; one sister, Margaret Withrow Rose and her husband, Wade of Rainelle, W.Va.; four grandchildren, Elena, Angela and Joseph Dennie of Yorktown, Va., and Cynthia Faith Chapman of Mechanicsville, Va. She was preceded in death by her son-in-law, David Chapman. She was an active and beloved member of Greenwood United Methodist Church. Mrs. Dennie was a native of Fayette County, W.Va., attended Concord College, was an executive secretary and retired from the County of Henrico. Elizabeth was an avid gardener and many people enjoyed her blueberries. The family will receive friends at the Bliley Funeral Homes' Staples Mill Chapel, 8510 Staples Mill Rd., 2 to 4 and 6 to 8 p.m. Friday, January 27. Funeral services will be held 11 a.m. Saturday, January 28, at Greenwood United Methodist Church, 10040 Greenwood Rd., Glen Allen, Va., Rev. G. Dean Pittman officiating. Interment will follow at Westhampton Memorial Park.

Hey. We're Ok. It's REALLY hard. I feel bad for my Dad. he's a mixture of defiance (finally, after 49 years, I can put a six pack in my fridge, he says!) (my mom HATED drinking) and a mixture of sorrow, he breaks down and crys over how nicely Mom would sit on the couch and read books to Faith when she couldn't do anything else. He went to Pittsburgh to a family funeral (no one close, but I think he liked the excuse to get out of town) and I missed him so much yesterday, after spending every day with him lately and talking talking talking, all of a sudden I felt so ALONE. Here I go again, after not being able to pick up the phone and tell Dave something, the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to pick up the phone and tell my mom something, and then for one day or two I can't just pick up the phone and call my Dad (well, I can call his cell, but he's conservative with his minutes). I cried to my friend Roger (he was dave's best friend, how he's MY friend) and he was busy but sent Laura (his 16 year old daughter, she's like my second child) over to spend the night so I wouldn't feel lonely. They are going to take my dad and I out for my birthday next week, even getting rog's mom to babysit Faith so we can have a nice "adult" dinner out. rog and my dad are now each other's biggest fans for some reason. rog sang at my mom's funeral and my dad thought it was awesome, rog thinks my dad is the coolest cat around especially for a 76 year old. anyway, we're struggling, but we'll be OK I guess. I helped my dad get all of my mom's clothes and stuff to Goodwill on monday and tuesday, and it felt weird, everything was so familiar but it looked cheap and worn but when my mom wore the clothes they just looked nice on her. when a person leaves this world, nothing material can help, it's memories and legacies that are important, that's for sure. even the clothing seems empty well, 'nuff rambling. Karen

One of our good neighbors out on the river - where I moved from after Dave died - dropped dead of a heart attack on Friday morning, on his 48th birthday. We weren't that close to him but knew him well and he dropped in to see Dave every now and then - he was a big fisherman and promised to take Dave out on his boat he kept on the outer banks after Dave got better - which never happened. He was a very popular middle school agriculture and shop teacher and was on our county's board of supervisors. Had two sweet teenage daughters and a wonderful, sweet, almost shy wife. Her mother died the same week as Dave, then her husband dies the same week as my mother. I called her and we just cried and cried. I went to his memorial service but only got to speak to them for a minute, there were hundreds of people there. what a wonderful family, and now Gene is gone, just like that. I'm almost afraid of who is going to go next.

This is Karen, I changed my username again because the new one what I changed it to after Dave died was too cumbersome. Anyway, my mom passed away early this morning, with my dad holding her hand, she was at home and in hospice care, which was awesome. turns out her hospice nurse not only graduated from high school with me but also had worked in the hospital dave always went to, on the oncology floor, and she had treated Dave, so she knew our story and had fond memories of Dave and his big grin. I'm glad mom didn't have any real pain and her passing was peaceful, unlike Dave who fought hard through the pain until the bitter end. I hope they are getting along OK in heaven. Mom and Dave didn't see eye to eye on alot of things (she hated drinking, he loved beer, for instance) but after they both had cancer they had a solidarity and closeness that was nice - very supportive of each other. They became each other's biggest fan. We've had a warm winter so far but today the wind is blowing hard and cold. I miss my Mom, she was so good to talk to after Dave died. But my Dad and I are close and always have understood each other, so I think we will be OK. I HATE CANCER. Dave was robbed of at last 40 good years and my mom of 20, since she died at 73 and her mom died at 95, I think if mom never had cancer she'd have lived that long and I think she planned on that. Well, said more than I meant to, got alot to do today, but thank goodness Dad and I already made all the arrangements. God Bless, Karen

Hey, Lily, barely with ya'll. I really can't stand to go on the other forums. I have nothing to offer. I'm out of hope. I'm not depressed, I'm not living negatively, but I just don't have anything to offer and I can't stand to see any more struggles than I'm already experiencing right now. this family being murdered has almost been the straw on my camel's back. these thugs apparently have been on quite a crime spree, they think they've committed a whole bunch of other murders in Virginia and Pennsylvania just in the last couple of months. so this forum seems the only appropriate place for me right now. I'm grieving a whole bunch of people at the moment. I should update our avator with a more recent photo of Faith. she's really growing. she's in a pre-k program now and can write her name and spell words out loud, some words. I have to spell just about every other street sign we see to her. she really catches on fast to stuff. I'm going to start her on suzuki violin as soon as we meet with the teacher, figure out what size she needs and order one. I bet she aces that fast! she's a huge bright spot in my life right now although there are times when I desperately need a break. just two or three hours with another adult . . . ! I do get out every now and then but not often enough, maybe once a month. talk to everyone later. Karen

My mom (ok, metastasized colon cancer, not lung cancer for those of you who don't keep up with me) is very much in the dying process. she no longer can get dressed or out of bed by herself. basically dad gets her up in the morning and gets her into the recliner in the living room and she sits there all day in a semi-catonic state. we had her in the hospital for three days between Christmas and New Years and the biggest thing that happened then was the discovery of the one brain tumor (that she had the full ten days of WBR for) had turned into three brain tumors. So she got evaluated for gamma knife and unbelievably they are going to do that this Wed., Thurs. and Fri. My dad and I were amazed that she passed the "is it worth it" test. The docs there thought zapping the brain tumors were increase her energy level (they think the decadron is dragging her down). We see the daily decline and think it's more than that. But oh well, we'll give it a try. It won't save her life (since the cancer seems to be everywhere else) but may improve the quality of what life she has left. In the meantime, a family of four here in Richmond - mom, dad, two little girls 9 and 4 - were brutually murdered on New Years Day. I only met them twice at birthday parties I'd taken Faith to, but they were DEAR friends of dear friends of mine. In the musician circle of our friends. I'm sure Dave must have known Bryan, the dad, he was a local guitarist and at one time had been musical partner with Dave's best friend's current musical partner. it's been awful, watching my good friends, suffer with such horrible messy gut wrenching grief. They arrested two thugs over the weekend - who also brutally killed another family (no children there). I went to our friends' memorial service Sat. and then over to see my Mom. I couldn't sit there and watch my mom go in and out of consciousness and had a little panic attack and had to leave, under the pretense of some errands that needed run. It just seems so much sometimes. Karen

Hey, guys, more on the pink stuff. I think I failed to mention that my mother, who is now dying from colon cancer, is SIX YEAR BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR. and I still feel that way about the darn pink stuff. but the fact that it's a profit maker for the retailers and not the researchers is the thing that irks me the most, or irks me as equally as the pink frenzy in general. I also had a DEAR cousin, the only person in my life most like a sister to me, who died of breast cancer at age 38, leaving behind three small children. so I am not a stranger to breast cancer and because of my mom's history I fear I'll get it one day, too, colon cancer, too, although I did have a colonoscopy a few weeks ago that was squeaky clean (so to speak) thank you God. I HIGHLY recommend them for anyone over 40. Anyone. they are not diagnostic, they're PREVENTATIVE. as the colon surgeon explained to me, if they see a polyp a remove it, that PREVENTS that polyp from turning into cancer. how easy could that be? what other cancer besides skin cancer can you just cut out something before it turns to cancer? (which I am, by the way, a melanoma survivor myself) ok, I babble again. oh, I'm going to try to videotape my mom doing stuff, but she has asked us not to hover or be too sentimental, she doesn't want to act like she's dying, so I have to try to not make too big a deal out of her last interactions with all of us. we'll see, though, what I can do along those lines. Karen

Crap, Lynda, how horrible. You know, it just makes sense that lungs are so susceptible to cancer - it's an organ with soft tissue, and it takes direct hits constantly from outside carcigens as you breathe. I'm getting less and less surprised to hear about young people who get cancer and I hate that. that picture of your sister and her baby is beautiful, she looks like a Madonna. I'm so sorry about this loss, she's so young and it totally sucks. while I'm on the subject, does anyone else get pretty mad about all the pink breast cancer stuff that is being sold everywhere you go? the thing that irks me is that alot of it either doesn't benefit breast cancer research at all - you look closely, stuff never mentions any portion going toward that - OR, it says "10% of proceeds goes to breast cancer research." 10%????!!!??? just 10%? Or it says "breast cancer awareness purse, socks, scarf, water bottle, etc." AWARENESS, not money raising. someone's making money off of other's misfortuntes. so that's one pet peeve of mine, the other is the fact that it's all PINK, why can't the market be flooded with items sold to benefit or at least raise AWARENESS of ALL cancer? You don't hear much about colon cancer and it's killing my mom, it killed my mom's neighbor lady friend last year. you hear very little to NOTHING about lung cancer and look at Lynda's sister not to mention all our other loved ones. geez. if I see one more pink water bottle or coffe mug I may smash it on the floor of the store. ok now I feel better. yeah, I'm pretty strong, what choice do I have? and I think to make myself feel a little better, I'm going to get out some more Christmas lights I bought at 75% off last year (I have about ten more boxes I haven't opened hee hee) and string them all over the yard. I noticed someone did that and it really does add another element of tackiness to the whole display. and I might get the ladder out and put the icicle lights on the gutters. why not? I probably won't kill myself but I'll have a real sense of useless accomplishment. oh, and I've been trying to figure out how to mount the Star of Bethlehem over the nativity, now I know, I'm going to make a tripod out of garden rakes, duct taping the top, and then duct tape the star to the top. I think that will require yet another extension cord out to the nativity. I've spent more on extension cords this year than I have on any other Christmas item combined, including gifts (so far, ha). I'll take some pictures after I feel the display is complete and see if I can change my avatar to one of those photos. I may be strong, but little bit crazy. but you know, I think my mom has FINALLY learned to appreciate my wackiness. it used to scare her. I'm glad we found that middle ground. God Bless, Karen

Hey, Lily, that quote about the prayers was Dave's quote, I think he came up with that himself. I get another CT scan on the 16th and then schedule surgery when I see the doc on the 20th, so nothing there yet. gosh, now when I talk to my mom her voice quivers, it sounds just like my grandma's voice when she was in her 90's. I got my mom an early Christmas gift, a portable DVD player with a 7" screen (I have one with a 10" screen and it's a lifesaver with Faith in the car), anyway, mom doesn't have a decent computer and wanted something she could look at her digital photos with. then I decided to get myself a new camcorder - one that records directly to a DVD - so that all of the things she's missing because she's sick, like Faith's upcoming christmas program, I can just video it and give her the DVD to watch. seems like a good excuse to upgrade from our three year old digital to tape camcorder we bought for the china trip. I know I can put the Hi8 tapes to DVD but I don't know how and it would be easier to just get an easier camcorder, ha. I'm trying my best to make everything cheerful and normal. I decorated the front of my house as best as I could on my own with tacky Christmas stuff, but I am especially proud of my 14 piece, colored molded plastic two foot tall natvity scene. It is a birthday party for Jesus, after all, and I don't want anyone to forget that! anyway, I left the lights on during the day when it snowed and my parents drove by there after radiation on Monday and Mom loved it, so I'm glad I went to the trouble. I am rambling so I will go. God Bless, Karen

Dave was persistent and loyal. of course, he was alot more than that, but I think those two words sums of the strongest part of who he was. Karen

Here I go again, but I think your Mom has clinical depression. I know when I had it I was mad at the world and acted out like that. Don't know what to tell you to do about it, though, it's not like you can force her to get help. In the five years before Dave died, I lost three first cousins within 18 months of each other. At ages 38, 43 and 48. The 38 and 43 year olds were brother and sister. That aunt is very religious and her faith has really carried her. The 48 year old's parents are not really acting out, but his older brother who is now 56 I think told me recently that his father told him that losing a brother was not like losing a child. That aunt and uncle are also horrified at my deceased cousin's wife for remarrying 2.5 years after he died! I don't think anyone should think they have the monopoly on grief. I don't get it but I think this aunt and uncle are a bit depressed themselves. I hope your Mom gets better because she's going to miss out on alot of joy there is in life, such as your children. God doesn't want those of us left behind to be miserable, that's an insult to the gift of life He has given us. He wants us to enjoy this life and be good to others. Hang in there. Karen

Ann, yeah, it's certainly not the holidays. Holidays are fine, because we are kept busy. Everyone always says won't the holidays be hard for you? No, it's being alone at 9:00 at night or an entire weekend with just Faith (nothing against Faith, but she ain't Dave!). 'Course, these holidays are WEIRD because I KNOW it's the last ones with my Mom. She doesn't want anyone making a big deal out of it, so I have to refrain from getting too sentimental. I did ask her to write down some of her good recipes (her beef stew is awesome) and asked her if that was morbid or depressing and she said no, she was flattered. Anyway, here's to as few "do nothing days" as possible in the future. Karen

run, don't walk, to your family doctor and get some anti-depressant meds and a recommendation to a good clinical psychologist. I did about six years ago when I had the same feelings after several miscarriages and years of failed infertility treatment. I still take the meds - preventative - and I still see my shrink, the frequency of which depends on what is going on with my life. with my husband newly dead and my mom dying and my four year old crying for her daddy, it's back to weekly. it's the best thing I ever did for myself and quite possibly saved my life, if not saved it, made it considerably better. Please do this, Donna, because I really think it would help. God Bless, Karen

it's so strange to be with my mom and know that everything is her last thing. we had her last thanksgiving. it was simple but fun especially with my brother's kids there. mom bought apples to apples and we played that, even Faith won a hand. my mom is very fatigued but she was a trooper for thanksgiving. but I see the sadness and fear in her eyes. with Dave we never thought of anything being his last thing as he never gave up. my mom's not exactly given up but we know there's no hope at this point. with Dave it was pretty obvious there was no hope and both he and I acknowledged that the last few weeks. by then he was in so much pain that him going way forever wasn't the issue, controlling the pain was the issue. mom's not in any pain but just worn out, her body is just wearing out and everyday I can see that she is weaker, and when I talk to her on the phone her voice sounds weaker and weaker. I'm rambling. the strong antibiotic the ENT doc prescribed seems to be working and the coughing spells are less frequent and less "violent." I only got up twice last night to cough and blow my nose so I feel better today. I think Laura is going to stay at my house the week I have my surgery, whenever that is, and help me with Faith, she's hoping to have her driver's license by early January and daycare is exactly one mile away - and no stoplights - just two turns - so I think she can get Faith to daycare in the morning and pick her up with no problem and I'm sure her dad will help out too. so looking ahead I think we can get through that week. well, better go, just feeling a little sad, Thanksgiving day was OK without Dave since we were with my entire family and focusing on my mom, but friday saturday and sunday were a bit lonely, I even got together with friends and ate out and went shopping, but it's just hard not having him around on those 'do nothing' days. God bless, Karen

You see, God does talk to us, and there ya go. I think that's great. what an awesome story. thanks for sharing, I think that made my day! God Bless, Karen

well, I hesitated to post this (this is the only forum I visit now and only every few weeks) because my mom wanted to keep this private, but now she's telling just about anyone, so I thought I'd share here. If you recall, she was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in June 2004, right when Dave's SCLC came out of remission. In the following ten months she had four major surgeries, including two to remove parts of her liver where tumors had grown. She never could tolerate the chemo - got every side affect in the book, so during the second liver surgery a chemo pump - sort of AN experimental thing - was installed in her ab, with a catheter going directly into her liver, and a port just under the surface - they'd fill it up with chemo every other week and it would time release chemo right into her liver. She's been pretty stable for about the last six months - and since shortly after Dave's funeral, leading a fairly normal life for a 72 year young lady. (Dave's funeral was her first "outing" out of the house after the last surgery) But last week, her blood cancer marker (something they check for with colon cancer) was way high, she was having vision problems and not feeling very well. So they did full body and head CT Scans. she now has a HUGE tumor in her liver (despite the darn pump), both lungs are filled with small tumors, and she has a brain tumor which is affecting her vision. She started brain radiation yesterday so they can save her eyesight, but frankly there's not a whole lot more they can do for her. Lung tumors are too widespread for radiation. Can't radiate the liver. They've tried three or four different chemo cocktails and none of them she could tolerate. I talked to her primary oncologist - who was Dave's onco doc - and he's like family to me - and he said on the outside I should expect her to be gone in three months. He thinks she should get the brain radiation and then hospice. So do I. I don't want her to suffer like Dave did. She doesn't know THIS much, and I'm not going to tell her. After the brain radiation, she, dad and I will meet with him (the onco doc) to get her options and she and dad can make the decision. Onco doc said he'd try more chemo if she wanted but he didn't see the point of putting her through that and I agree. I really hoped she'd hang in there and remain stable for at least a year after I lost Dave. She's about all I have, especially in the help department. My Dad is not doing so well. he's very depressed and snapping at me. who else? can't snap at my mom. depressed people often get angry and I'm the object. I called his family doc (who I know, he's like family, too) and told him about dad's depression and about mom, so I hope he at some point can talk to my dad and maybe get him on some antidepressant meds. My sinuses have been chronically infected, and I saw a good ENT doc today who said, yes, you need surgery. I know sinus surgery is not a big deal, but who is going to help me with Faith for the days I can't, and how can I be "out of commission" right now when my parents need me? I'm just venting and whining. Dave's good friend Roger, his wonderful 16 year old daughter Laura and Roger's mom can all help me and all have said they will. but two of them work and one of them is in high school. somehow I'll get through this one, I thought facing Dave's death was unbearable and here I am, somehow existing and "making it". Darn it all, I HATE CANCER. (my mom's mom lived to be 95, so the way I see it, cancer is robbing my mom of 20 years. ) Karen

I think it becomes a new normal, which is different than the old normal. it's still normal, but it's not what it used to be. I haven't found normal yet. Faith and I are still trying to get used to it being just the two of us. it's tough. Our HR VP sent an email around today with suggestions from our EAP folks about how to treat/work with/etc. folks who were in Katrina (we have alot of operations in NO and Houston). I thought it was awesome. It said to remember that they may not be dealing with complex work issues as well as before since their mind is understandably preoccupied with grief and tragedy. I forwarded it to my HR rep and suggested they send this to all the coworkers of an employee who have experienced a loss, whether it be the death of a family member (especially a spouse or child - someone who's loss affects every minute of your day to day life) or something like losing a house to fire. when I came back to work there were people in my small building who didn't even know my husband had died. like the people who did know didn't even care enough to mention it. anyway, I LOVE people to talk about Dave. Especially with Faith. it really helps. and I love it that his best friend told me last night, in comforting me, that he felt a little part of Dave was now in all of us that loved him, and whenever we missed him to remember we had each other. Now, that's the kind of remembrance I like. He GETS it. Not everyone gets it. you can never talk too much about the loved one you lost. Karen

I can't stand to look at travel trailers. Dave and I loved taking ours places. I guess I'm lucky because moving right after he died forced me to sell off a bunch of this stuff and I was so immersed in just getting moved I didn't have time to dwell on it. We had a boat, too (living on a river) and I really am going to miss going out on that boat with him, although he rarely felt well enough to pilot it and we only went out a few times in his last few years. You know Peggy, I think it's pretty nice that motorcycle is going to someone in your family that will love it and take care of it. That is nice. But it's still hard. Moving, without a doubt, was the best thing for Faith and I for alot of these reasons. Karen

Sue - I notice you're in Virginia. Not a whole lot of folks on the board from Virginia. You know, in some ways it was a bit of a healing sort of day, but sad, too. Faith wanted to know if the other daddies would be there, and then asked if daddy could come down from heaven for the party. boy, did that ever set off some tears - driving up Rt. 301 in MD. Dave's best friend came over for just a few minutes yesterday evening to drop something off and I had just gotten around to unpacking books and showed him some of Dave's music books and notes that were in those boxes. I told him how rough it was for me to raise Faith alone (which he knows all too well) and looking at Dave's music things was harder than I expected. He said, you know, I miss him like hell, but I also feel that you, me, Faith, all of us, even this big lug of a dog of Dave's carries a little bit of Dave in us and that makes him live on. How nice. that really helped me alot. I felt so much better now. for the most part I am OK and happy, but milestones are just particularly hard, especially when they involve our miracle of a daughter, because he's not here in body to share them with me. that's when I feel the loneliest, even amongst friends. Karen

atta girl!

Wow, Fay, very well said. I have to say, that for at least a few months before Dave died, I started grieving. I worked on this with my psychologist. I knew he wasn't going to beat this SCLC, that it was highly unlikely, I watched him suffer and the cancer take over his spine and his brain, all the while he fought like hell and I stood right there fighting with him. Not only did I grieve by knowing I would lose my husband, I was grieving the husband that I no longer had. I was grieving the already non-existence of what we had together. Hard to articulate that one so I won't try too much. some of my friends tell me I should wait one year before making any decisions about my life. before thinking about adopting another child. before going out alone on a date with a man. they probably want me to wait before I get a new hairdo. I say, hey, wait, can I get some credit for "time already served"? Not trying to be flip here, but I had a head start on alot of folks because no one was closer to the situation than I. My grief started way before June 15, 2005 at 6:10 pm. Another thing you are right on about, Fay, is that folks who have had a good marriage often want another good marriage. I do. Dave and I had rough spots to be sure, but we learned and grew through those rough spots. I don't want to be alone and I want to carry what I learned about marriage and relationships and apply it to the next one. And all of this is hard for a child (adult children included) who lost their parent to understand - understandably so. their grief is different I really feel for you Val. I am not looking forward to losing my own mother who is fighting Stage IV colon cancer. I am not looking forward to the time when she's not able to drive or spend an hour or two playing with Faith. I dread the day when I no longer have her to talk to. I even dread not having her worry me to death over everything! but I think about my dad, who is a pretty darn good looking, healthy and active 75 year old, and I think, you know, I'd want him to meet some nice lady to go out to dinner with and maybe even to marry. then I wouldn't have to worry so much about him! Just hang in there. time is healer. or it should be, anyway. Karen

Wow, I really liked what Maryanne had to say (as usual). Debi - love your new photo. and I agree, keep in mind it's temporary. in fact that is how I have gotten through every uncomfortable situation in my life - by remembering it would have an end. I know you must be miserable. but try not to focus on what's making you miserable, but try to make some lemonade out of the lemons. and of course you're not judging your Dad, it's just making the whole loss harder for you. we understand that, but maybe trying to understand where he's coming from might help you deal with it a little bit better. hang in there, it will get better. I promise you. Karen

I haven't posted but I lurked back to check my post and saw yours and it really grabbed me. This is all too common with men. Especially older men. they seem pretty lost without their wives, even with their daughter and granddaughter in the house. My cousin died of breast cancer when she was 38. Her 40 year old husband, that she had been married to for 15 years, and had been with since freshman year of college, started dating a gal he met in a bar maybe two months after she died (they had three little kids, too). He "came out" and told us, her family, maybe six months later. a few months later they were married. for some strange reason I understood this, at least, I decided it was better to be supportive of something that was going to happen whether we liked it or not and I remain that way, in fact, since Dave died, I understand it even better. But one of her brothers still won't talk to him, three years later, thus cutting himself off from his newphews and niece, one of which is his godson. If going back to WA is just not do-able for you (but listen carefully to me - I found out after Dave died tons of things I thought I couldn't do alone, I could and did indeed do quite alone) - then I suggest you just sort of resign yourself to what is happening, know you have no control over it, and try to be friends with this woman, especially since she sounds so nice. Maybe SHE can help you with Caroline, maybe there are some benefits for you here if you can deal with them. it sounds like you're doing better with it, but counseling just to learn to cope with this new situation is probably a good idea. Back to my cousin: we all thought it strange that a 40 year old woman would even be interested in a brand new widower with three small children, but hey, who's to say how long is appropriate. I hope no one judges my time line if/when it ever comes. p.s. despite everything I said above, yes, I think it a bit odd he jumped into this so soon especially with you there, but like I said, older men are pretty lost without their wife.

Three years ago yesterday Faith was handed to Dave and I in a conference room at the Holiday Inn in Hefei, Anhui Province, China. It was a dream come true for both of us. Yesterday, Faith and I drove up to Maryland for a Gotcha Day celebration with three other families we traveled with, and Dave was not there in body, hopefully in spirit. I cried halfway up because Faith wanted to know if Daddy could come down for heaven to be there with the other daddies. It was in many ways a horrible day. I don't post any more but lurk weekly to see how everyone is doing. I just wanted to post this in memory of Dave on an important milestone we are missing him deeply for. God Bless, Karen and Faith