crystleshoe

that was beautiful. I cried thru the whole song.

I get it too. I am sad for all the things my mom will miss and sad for my dad that now he is alone.

just bought my first in a long time. i bought it cuz I had $1.00 in change and it had a pitcure of a yorkie(my dog) on it. I won $2.00.

Oh my God you are all echoing my thoughts exactly. I thought that I was the only one in the world feeling "flat". Kelly, it is appalling that they are not calling you back and it was so brave of you to make that phone call. You are not alone in your grief we are right there with you supporting you and sharing your pain. I am saying a prayer tonite that tommorrow will bring us all a little less pain. I wish we were all closer so we could have our own support group.

That is good news. I am so happy for you

oh stacey there are far too many of us who feel you pain and loneliness. Today is 6 months from the day my mom was stolen by lung cancer and the pain is as real as it was on that first day. I can say though that it does not consume me the way it did at first so I guess it is true that with time things get better(or ok). I wish that no one ever had to deal with this. You are in my thoughts tonight. You are courageous and strong and you will get stronger each day.

Thats great I am going to print that and carry it with me in my purse( hope you dont mind) cuz I hate the fact of getting older and I need to be reminded that its not so bad. Thanks

never used to be but now I am much more huggy.

Missy The pain you are feeling is yours and maybe you are just not ready to share that with them yet. I know that they say misery loves company but sometimes I just dont want to share my grief with anyone. If there is anything Ive learned thru this whole process it is that none of the feelings or reactions or thoughts are what we would expect. Sending good thoughts your way.

I dont have any insight for you just that I am so sorry you have to deal with all this on top of cancer. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

thanks I really neeeded a good laugh. It must have been quite a site. She sound like a great lady, Maybe when she kicks cancers butt she could go into comedy

It has been a crazy week for me. I work in a very busy pharmacy and we thought that the week of the fourth would be slow but it was crazy. Any way I was off on the fourth and had a big cookout at my house(the first since my mom died) and planned on having the next day off as well but I got a call at 7:00am that one of our pharmacists was in labor(3 weeks early) and one of our interns would be out because of a death in her family so I went to work and busted my butt then my best friend calls and tells me her dog died and the older lady we have working for us (she is the same age as my mom was and she has been a big help in all the stuff with mom) tells me she is retiring and she will be gone in 2 weeks. Well i just stared crying and couldnt stop and had to go out for a walk to get it together. I was ok on Sat. but today danielle brought the papers from her cousins funeral because she wanted me to see some of the stuff the kids did for him(he was only 17 and still in high school)also I am like a second Mom to her and she just needed to talk about it so I was crying again, then my friend comes in and i was crying again. It seems like everything makes me cry these days. I hate being so emotional in public. Anyway I hope you all had a happy and safe 4th

Martha Thanks for your input. As soon as I read it I realized what has been wrong with me lately. I am so pissed off at myself for telling mom that it was ok to not fight harder if she didnt feel she could, for telling her that everything will be ok cuz it is not, for letting her give up and letting her go. I am mad because I feel like maybe we didnt give her enough time to get better before we made the decision to take her of the machines, Maybe we didnt pray hard enough or wait long enough for a miracle to happen.There are so many things I would do and say differant if i could. Here we come upon yet another holiday without her and I am so pissed that she will not be here to enjoy the fireworks with us. I am also mad that we were not one of the "lucky ones" to beat this thing. I guess in general I am mad as hell. I used to say that I wouldnt want her to be sick and have a prolonged illness but I think if I could have her sick or not at all I would take her sick. again you guys have helped me to understand myself. Thanks. I hope everyone has a safe 4th.

Kim, Dont ever feel like you have to apologize for your feelings here. We all get it. You are so young and you are right that your mom should be here to enjoy all the new and wonderful things happening in your life. I am 43 and i should be old enough to handle that fact that my mom isn't with me anymore but there are times that I also just feel numb and times that I cry for no apparent reason. I am sure your mom is watching over you and that she is aware of how you feel. I hope that your new place is great and enjoy your new car You deserve it.

Nick that is a funny story. I guess people assume cuz we go thru the day and are not a hysterical mess that we are "over it". My husband and I were on the way home from grocery shopping today and talking about bills and money and stuff and then we saw the most beautiful rainbow and the tears were rolling down my face and he thought I was upset about the bills. I was really upset cuz my mom would have loved it and she would have reminded me of the bible story behind a rainbow. All I could think of was how much I miss her. Maybe it was her way of telling me it will be ok. Well I guess we just have to go with the flow and take it one minute at a time.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else you have dealt with. I am sorry that you don't have your best friend to help you thru but he will be there in your heart. Wishing you strenght and better days ahead

oh kelly I am sorry that you feel like you have to defend yourself to anyone about your grief. People think that they are helping but the reality of it is that they usually dont think before they speak. I also never ever cry in public. In the shower,car, walking in the early morning or when I am alone but never in public. I am always on the verge of tears but I dont let myself go. I guess thats why my husband calls me his rock. I think it takes alot of strength and courage to be the one who holds it together. You do things in your own way and if someone doesn't like it or doesn't think its the "right way" you just tell them that it seems to be their problem not yours. (then stick your tounge out and walk away). We are here for you.

Nova this is the place to be. We all understand and know where you are coming from. Rant,rave, vent or just come to talk but we will all listen and try to help. This disease brings out the worst in us and there far too many of us who know the insaneness it brings. Sending good thoughts your way tonight and hoping you get some good news soon.

thanks you all for your kind words and for being here to help me through all this. I cant wait to meet some of you in Boston. I am so looking forward to seeing you in person. Dana, I am sure that you will do great at your relay. The time goes by very quickly when you are there. before I knew it we were getting ready for closing ceremonies and I said to my team "wait it cant be over yet Im just getting started." I think maybe my mom was looking down on us and thinking that we had all lost our minds (lol).

Well we did our Relay for Life this weekend and made it thru. I am a little sore today but no worse for wear. My Team raised $3500.00. I walked for about 12 of the 16 or so hours we were there( i also had to go get food and coffe for my team) IT was such an amazing thing to see the track all lit up and to hear the stories of other people. It was a pretty emotional night and my dad had a bit of a hard time cuz we all knew that if my mom didnt get sick we would not have been there. I made T shirts for my team and on the back they said miss you mom, or miss you Mimi and my dads said Miss you Hon. We also made buttons with a photo of my mom that we all wore so when ever we were talking to anyone my moms face was smiling at them too. Of course when I got home my first thought was to call Mom and tell her all about it (duh). It was such a great thing and I am already planning for next year. First I have to make it thru the walk in Boston in Nov. but that should be a piece of cake after this.

I m glad that you are finding it better to have your mom there with you. When my mom was dx I wanted her to come stay with me but she didnt get that chance. I understand how you feel > Even though I had to drive 45 min each way ( almost every day) to get to where my mom was and she complained alot about silly things it as always better when I was there cuz I didnt have to panic when the phone rang and I was always aware of what was going on with her. Your Mom is so lucky to have you to take such good care of her. You are doing a wonderful thing.

I understand your feelings. Things also seemed to get harder for me as time went on (no hormones here either). You miss your dad and thats understandable. Its been almost 6 months for me and I still get that slapped in the face feeling alot. I hope that in time things will get easier.

First of all I am sorry for all your family is going thru. The waiting is so hard. I am glad that your Mom will be close to you it will help her and you too. This site has been a godsend for me and Im sure you will find it helpful too. There is nothing like knowing you have a place to go where everyone just "gets it" Sending good thoughts to you.

Amanda I did have a round of the uncontrollable sobbing but it was just a few weeks ago and I was alone and let me tell you I dont think its all that it 's cracked up to be. I didnt feel relieved or better for having let it out I was just sadder and exhausted. Although the pain of losing a parent is similar we are all unique in our grief. i think we hve to do all the "normal" things to help us stay sane.

My mom smoked Lark's for a while then the cheaper brands and my dad was a Lucky Strike man. My choice was Kool menthol Randy,dont get off the soap box just yet. The fact and figures that you give us are great. I used a list of the additives to help me quit smoking 8 years ago. when i felt I needed a cigarette I read the list and was so disgusted that it curbed the craving.