teriw

Hi Michele, I haven't really been in this situation. With Bill's parents, it was never an issue (no other relationships occurred). I do agree that your dad seems to have opened the door for you. I would talk about it with your siblings, and decide what items are really important to you. Then I would plan to all talk with your dad together. Particularly since you went through the situation with your husband, and spoke with your dad about that. And since he's talking about downsizing, etc. At least it's out in the open then. He may not know how to deal with it all himself.

Jill, I do think you did the right thing. All any of us can do in those circumstances is our best. I understand what you mean about those moments sneaking up on you, and you just replay them over and over. And somehow everything you did seems wrong! I think that comes from the sense of not being in control of it all. Your kids will remember your wonderful mom with your help. Just keep talking about her, showing them pictures, telling them the stories over and over, perhaps make little memory books for them that include your childhood and the time they had with your mom. They'll remember. Hugs,

Ellie, That's tough, because it really depends on the person and your relationship with them. If I decided to remove my rings, I would almost certainly bring the subject up myself, particularly to my step-kids and in-laws. I would want them to understand my reasons. We are a very close family, despite the geographical distance. However, if I was a person who made those decisions privately, I probably would rather not be asked about it. I think a quiet understanding can go a long way. I do think it's appropriate for you to let him know your wishes for him, at a time when it feels comfortable. I think that's a gift you give, whether or not he ever chooses to enter into any type of intimate relationship again. It shows that you care about him, today. My sister-in-law and her husband, as well as my step-kid's mum, both told me almost immediately that Bill would want me to be happy, whatever that meant for me; that I would find love again in some form, etc. I REALLY didn't want to hear this the moment Bill passed (literally the very day!), but I also understood that it was their love for ME talking, and it meant a lot. I don't know if I helped or made it all more confusing!

Wondermom, I agree with Debi that if that was your dad's wish, then it was the right thing to do. There is a comfort in that decision as well. You may be right about your brother, but it sounds as though he was most concerned with respecting your dad's needs at the time.

I just wanted to thank everyone for being so open and honest on this topic. I have to say after reading all of the responses, I feel a new sense of "permission" so to speak about leaving my rings on for as long as I want, and not forcing the issue either way. About other relationships. Bill insisted on talking about that from early on. He grieved over the potential loss of our future, and the idea of us not being together for years to come. He also grieved over the idea of me being on my own, and after some time living with the possibilities, always made a point of giving me permission and encouragement to have someone else in my life in time. I hated when he talked about that, but he needed to. I told him the truth -- he was my soul mate, my most favorite person in the world, entirely irreplaceable. But I never made any promises about what my future would hold, because at 44 (43 at that time) I admit I don't know. I only know that Bill's place in my life and my love for him is ever enduring, and that the void he left can never be filled -- and I have to learn to co-exist with it. And I bloody well hate it. But he would say to me with that cheeky grin of his, "it is what it is." This is one of those topics that you just can't talk about with the people close to you unless they've been there...thanks for being here.

Those are great -- can you make it a sticky?

Me too... ((((Jackie)))

Tina, I knew that -- I think I knew it because it has absolutely nothing to do with "looking" for me either, or for people I know who've removed their rings. It actually has nothing to do with anyone else, but me! Many hugs all around -- I know none of us ever thought there would be a reason to even have the conversation...

Oh Ry, I so know what you mean. I haven't even notified social security, because Bill's name is still on our bank accounts. I have one new in my name only and the other 2 in both our names and they're all linked in the online banking -- I don't know how that worked out, but it did. So for now, I'm just leaving them. I asked to change the name on my satellite T.V. account (every time I call they ask who William is), and they had to get all these approvals and change it in name only, but not social. Otherwise I would have to start over, and even they told me I should avoid that if at all possible. The mortgage was the most stressful. When we bought our home, I had a bad mark on my credit. So we only used Bill's credit. My name was added to the title and all that, but not on the mortgage. I ended up being able to assume the loan fairly easily, but it took about 6 to 8 weeks and I was really scared they were going to come up with a reason to make me qualify for my own loan! Right now I'm dreading doing my taxes. If you find a good check list (I think I searched for that too), please, please post it! For me, I'm just doing those things as they occur to me or as I feel I need to. I did all of the important stuff fairly early (at least I hope I did), and have been recently focusing on ways to reduce monthly bills (cancelling Bill's mobile phone, etc.), but it's never ending...

It's so interesting for me to read the responses so far. I hope to read more. Between my grief group and other people I know who have lost spouses, I have seen different things: people who leave their rings on, people who have a new ring on their "wedding" finger or a different one, people who wear their husband's ring on their finger or a chain, people who have bare fingers. I'm also very aware that the decision doesn't hold any relation to the quality of love that was and will always be. It's to do with dealing with the present, and how we each do that differently. I have personally had different thoughts. At first I thought I'd never take off my rings. To look down at my hand and not see them seems like going against nature. Lately, however, I've thought I need to -- when I'm ready. Not to announce anything to the world, but to fully be living in today (which I'm not even close to doing yet, but strive to do one day). I've also thought much about having another ring made to honor "us" in the past and the present. No solid decisions yet, just thinking about it all and wondering how life moves forward...one step at a time, right?

Barb, Good for you for getting back to work. It sounds like a good situation. I understand all too well about having too much time to think. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend who was killed. How precious and unpredictable this life is.

I've been thinking lately about how/when/if/why I would no longer wear my wedding ring. I wonder if those who have lost their spouse and decided to remove their rings, or those who have decided to indefinitely continue wearing their rings might share their thoughts? It's a terribly personal subject, I know. Like everything, it always helps to hear the thoughts of others. But I respectfully understand if it's too intimate to share.

(((Grace))) I can't believe it's been one year. Thinking of you and your girls on this most difficult day.

Hi Jamie, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Peggy, and the anguish that she is feeling. As Katie shared, there is reason for hope. Prayers for strength and healing and comfort for Peggy...

Jamie, What wonderful news -- congratulations! You're awesome!

((((Randy)))) Beautiful pic of a beautiful couple. Happy Anniversary, Randy. Those wonderful times will always be yours together. They transcend "today." Hugs & blessings,

I just want to add one thing -- if your mom experiences a bad taste in her mouth along with "broken glass" pain when swallowing, make sure the doctors check whether she has a thrush infection. Bill's went untreated for way too long, because we were told about the side effect of painful swallowing, but not about the potential for thrush. He described it as everything tasting like motor oil, even things like popsicles. Once we really looked, there was also a film on his tongue. Wishing the best for your mom.

I can't tell you how to do this, but perhaps you can make or have made a vase with the pictures on it. So the vase itself has the pictures, and you can just place the flowers in it. Just a thought.

Hi Connie, Welcome to the site. I'm so sorry for your loss. You will find many people here who know what you're going through. Hugs,

You all made me feel better knowing that I wasn't over-reacting! Rochelle -- I keep seeing scenes like that in movies and T.V. shows, and I'm so sad to know there is a reason why people write about it -- because it happens! It's bizarre. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But I'm glad you can laugh about it. I haven't had anything like that happen to me in person. I had one newly single male friend (couple friends that got divorced) always trying to ask me to do stuff at first, and I finally explained to him that I wasn't ready to be out with another man even "just as friends." He understood and backed off. Thanks for making me feel "normal." I'm really not scared (again, GIANT great dane is a good thing!). Debi -- no, the hearts and X's weren't hand drawn, just a graphic on the card. The heart on the inside next to the date was hand drawn. Yes, I know I'm over-analyzing the details! (Andy, you very well may be right. It may have come from good intentions -- I suspect it probably did -- but it was still inappropriate under the circumstances. Again, if a name was signed, totally different. My good friend's husband reacted just as you did, but then upon thinking about it more, realized why we felt the way we did. I'm glad you offered your viewpoint.)

Perfect response, Katie, and it made me laugh. Except I was thinking 6th grade. Your mom's story applies absolutely - thank you for sharing that. And in her own home! I can get mad for her just imagining it!!! And there's that "newly alone in your house" thing too. I'm not someone who ever gets scared at home (living with a giant great dane probably helps). But you would think that element might occur to someone of my age -- geez. OK, obviously this is one of those areas where my experience has made me LESS tolerant.

I was debating about whether to bring this up. It's bugging me. I've already ranted to two good friends about it. I received a Valentine's Day card in the mail yesterday signed "Admirer." It had hearts and X's on the cover. I can't being to say how angry it made me. The more time went by, the angrier I got. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't read. I couldn't watch T.V. I really don't know who it's from. I can think of remote possibilities, but no one that really stands out. No one who actually knows me would do that. As I'm still not working, I'm not really around many single men. I've had mixed reactions. My close friend and neighbor reacted just like I did -- stalker! A couple other people just thought it was someone harmlessly trying to be sweet. I don't think so, or they would have written something friendly and signed their name. "Admirer" indicates romance, and I just lost my husband 7 months ago and haven't given anyone any ideas that I want romance. It's my first Valentine's Day without Bill. I feel like my space was invaded. Please someone tell me you've dealt with something similar! Then -- I hate not knowing. But if I do know, then I hate the idea of dealing with that. You know what I hate the most (apart from Bill being gone)? That anyone looks at me as "single." Am I blowing this into something it's not? (Probably...) Sorry for the Valentine's vent!

Nick and everyone and their missing loved ones, Happy Valentine's Day. And to my most favorite Valentine always, my Bill. So thankful I have old cards to read. So sad you're not here with me. Hugs to all,

I tend to agree with Kasey. When my Bill was still with me, I used to tell him about people on the board who were in remission. One day I realized that as happy as he was to hear it, it hurt to hear because it was something that wasn't happening to him. I had always thought I was giving him hope -- like, "see it can happen!" But that was my perspective, not his. No matter what the circumstance, people can be trying to relate or help, and it just hits you wrong. Your co-worker probably won't realize that without you speaking up.

What a great story to read today, on Valentine's Day. So happy for your mom and all your family. It's truly wonderful news! Enjoy your trip!!!