wondermom

I always have a hard time around the anniversary of Mom's diagnosis. That is the day everything changed forever. I will never forget the fear and uncertainty of that day. What a neat letter to get from your mom's friend's daughter. It is always so nice to hear other people's fond memories of our loved ones. Your mom sounds like such an amazing person!

I found out tonight that my best friend from high school's youngest sister was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. It has spread to her pancreas, liver, and spine. She is only 29 years old. She has young children who need her. They are still trying to figure out where the cancer started. All of this comes during the anniversary of my mom's passing. It is just too much. I am so angry and sad all over again. I cannot express in words how much I hate cancer. This is just so unbelievable. Please keep this young woman in your prayers. I have been out of touch with my friend for many years but found her sister-in-law on facebook. I got my friend's e-mail address from her today along with this sad news. So so sad.

I do have those thoughts. We also gave my mom a lot of medication at the end. She was in so much pain. We all (including Mom) knew that the amount of medication we were going to give her to make her comfortable would pretty much make her sleep. Even though she herself said just make me sleep we all struggle with the fact that we didn't get to talk with her much at the end. (We talked while she slept and hoped she heard us.) Did we give her too much? Did I say everything I needed to say? We never really talked about Mom dying because none of us wanted to accept it. We all knew the day was coming but still we never shared any last thoughts or fears with each other. Sadly, I even took very few pictures of my Mom during her illness. I didn't want her to think I was taking a bunch of pictures because I thought she was going to die. I kind of regret that now because I don't have many pictures of her with my kids. I guess my point is that I can relate to how you are feeling. Absolutely. But someone here once told me that we always do what we think is best at the time. Take comfort in knowing that every decision you made at that time was out of love for your mom. I know I do. Whenever I look back and doubt myself, I remember that as you said, that time period was so very hard and we all did the best we could under the strain of the emotions we were all under. Wishing peace for you. Jill

since my mom left this world. Sept. 8th marks the date. I have been thinking a lot about Mom lately. Missing her too. Thinking about how different things would be if she were still here. I would probably still be taking much for granted. I would be much more carefree. My children would have their Grandma and I would still be able to ask her advice in the mothering department. I don't think my daughter remembers her at all. She always talks about her though and refers to her Grandma up in heaven. I guess that is something right? My son does remember some but I wonder how much of what he remembers is just from me reminding him. We are having my mom's side over to my dad's again to get everyone together in the place my mom so cherished. Her family will be able to see that her garden still blooms, her pictures are still around, and her memory still lives strong there. My dad is still seeing the same woman and she will be there too this year. My mom's family has met her as well. It is kind of strange to think of her there at a celebration of my mom's life. She is a special person though. She even goes with my dad to change out flowers at the cemetary. She lets us talk about mom and tells us she enjoys the stories. We are greatful for her kindness. I know Dad still struggles and I am sure part of him always will. I say this all the time but it is still so unbelievable to me that my mom is gone. I still think of her every day and hope that I am living my life they way she taught me. I hope she is proud of us and smiling on us all in our day to day lives.

This is absolutely heartbreaking. I haven't been on the boards much lately but I do check in and I was shocked to hear this news. My prayers are with Tracy's family. May God give them the strength they need to get through this. I am so sorry. Jill

http://s687.photobucket.com/albums/vv238/jlenzmeier/ This is my first time doing this so I hope it works! Jill

Hello, For those who maybe didn't see my post in the general section, my sister's father-in-law to be was diagnosed with lung cancer on Wednesday. Thursday he was on a ventilator and a medical induced coma and early this morning he did pass away. I feel like a lot of information is missing so I don't really have many details of how or why this happened so fast. He lives 16 hours away and all of his kids and family either drove or flew out to be with him. This is just so sad. My sister and her fiance are getting married next Saturday. I am sure it will be such a bittersweet day for them. Jill

The news is not good. He lives out of state and the kids are all traveling to see him. I guess they are keeping him on a ventilator until they get there. I feel like there must be some information missing. How can this all happen so fast? My heart is breaking for them. It is a 16 hour drive to get there and with all of this hanging over there heads I worry about them getting there safely. I guess the surgery he had was for a biopsy not to remove any cancer as I originally thought. I still don't know any other details other than it doesn't look good.

Hello to all, I am sad to tell you that my sister's father-in-law to be was just diagnosed with lung cancer. I do not know any details at this point other than he is in surgery right now. I am hoping that is a good sign. My sister is getting married in 10 days and she and her fiance are devastated. Please keep them in your prayers Jill

Thinking of you, Randy. Sometimes it seems the memories are still so fresh even as times passes. We will always miss our loved ones. Jill

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have an amazing family. I pray you find comfort in each other during this difficult time. Jill

So sorry to read this today. Prayers to you and your family. Jill

No, the woman my dad is dating is actually a home health nurse. She has been great about keeping on him about getting to the bottom of the cough. She even arranged his other doctor appt.s with his primary doctor. I think she just knows we will all feel better after he gets a scan.

Well, for those of you who know me we are still trying to get to the bottom of Dad's coughing. He had a test to check for acid reflux and has been taking prilosec for the past couple months now. He said his coughing is much better but the test came back negative for reflux. He lung capacity is excellent. However, now the woman my dad is dating told me the pulmonologist said the x-ray had shadows. But she made it sound like it was pretty common to see these kinds of shadows in tall thin men which my dad is. Has anyone been told this? What would the shadows be? I am kind of freaking out because I was under the impression the x-ray was clear and that was why we moved on from the pulmonary doctor to the GI doctor. She must not have been too worried if she didn't request a CT scan, right? We are pushing dad for a scan.

That is great. It is in doing those little things that we keep our loved ones with us. Jill

Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other That we are still Call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort Without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant It is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind Because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again! Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

Yes! Especially during the holidays. Christmas was so special to mom. She really went all out. She loved to spoil the kids and was the light of the holiday. It is so hard to get excited about it now. Part of me just wants to skip Christmas because it was so much about mom and like you said, I feel like if I enjoy it I am forgetting her or getting over it somehow. Christmas will never be the same but I know I have to make it special for the kids and for myself too. I know Mom would want that. I also have also found that I am very distant with my mother-in-law. We have never really been close but I find myself especially distant with her now. I feel like I can't let myself get close to her because she isn't Mom. I feel bad about it but I can't get past it either. I don't want to have that relationship with anyone else. I had a mom and now she is gone. That relationship is gone. I know it isn't right and it certainly isn't fair to my mother-in-law who is just trying so hard to reach out. Don't get me wrong I am still nice to her and we get along fine. But sometimes when she is reaching out or trying to give me "motherly" advice I just shut down inside. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to go there. It feels like a betrayal to me. I am sure our loved ones would not want us to feel guilty about living life. In fact I think they would most likely want us to live life to the fullest every day. For some reason it is very hard to let go and do just that.

The holidays are hard. I don't think there is any way around it. My mom passed a year ago in September and I remember thinking about all the holidays that were fast approaching. My Dad's birthday is the day after mom died too. Prayers for you that this holiday season passes peacefully for you and that you are filled with happy memories. I am sorry to hear about your friend too. I hope her procedure goes well.

Oh no, I am so sorry to read this today. Prayers for you, your Dad, and your family.

Nick, So sorry for your family's loss. When Mom was going through her fight I told my siblings that I realized something. I realized that, now, when other people tell us they know someone going through cancer or whatever it may be I really feel for them from a deeper, different place. My heart breaks for them because I know what it is like to feel those feelings. Not that I didn't truely feel for other people when they were going through things, I did. It is just different now. I guess it is kind of a gift that we can offer our understanding.

Yes, he has had a chest x-ray and it was good but we all know sometimes things don't show up on those. Actually the woman dad is seeing has been great about this. She went with to his appt. and is pushing him to ask for a CT scan so I am greatful that she is another person encouraging him to get to the bottom of this. I think the next step though is to take a ph test but there is a 2 week waiting list to get it done. UGGG.

So frustrating. Dad is STILL coughing. I am just sick with worry. I told him to call back and get on the list for the ph test and to let her know the reflux medication is not working. I sure hope this is all it is. Dad said that he was talking to his brother about it and it turns out he also had reflux and had to have his esophagus stretched. Hopefully that is a sign that this is just a hereditary reflux problem. My uncle didn't have the coughing though. I just don't want it to be lung cancer.

Mom has been gone for over a year now. Most of the time I think I am really doing pretty good. But lately I have been having such feelings of anger. I am so angry about the whole thing. I am angry about the way my mom had to suffer. I am angry that my mom was misdignosed. I am angry that I always wonder "what if". I am angry when I hear about other people doing things with their moms because I want to be doing those things too. I am angry that I didn't spend more time with mom when things were good. I am angry that my kids won't have a chance to really know their grandma. I am angry that mom won't be there to see my sister get married in March. I am angry that every time someone in my family coughs I automatically think the worst. I am angry that I am constantly waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I hate that there was nothing I could do to stop all of this. I am so emotional right now. It isn't fair to my kids. It isn't fair to my husband. When I go to this place of anger my mind is so overwhelmed with memories, anger, and sadness that I end up not being the person they need me to be. So I needed to come here and vent it all out.

Well, the pulmonary doctor also feels that Dad has reflux. She told him to continue on the prilosec for another two weeks and to check back after that. Of course Dad is frustrated with no definate answer but I guess that is how these things go? She gave him a bunch of breathing and oxygen tests and those were all good so that is good. She said sometimes the prilosec can take 3 or more weeks to kick in.

He is still coughing. He told me earlier this week he thought it was a bit better after trying some medication for acid reflux but he told me tonight it is really about the same. He finally got a referral to see a pulmonologist on Friday. Hopefully they can get to the bottom of this...and quickly. He says his appetite is good and he feels ok other than the cough so that is good.