ahhappy

Isn't it funny how relative it all is. We just get used to what's normal for us, huh! 26 degrees sounds pretty nice to me! Except at that temp, we're sure to get snow, which is only great after the roads are plowed!!! And Anais- just tell me when to pack my bags!! Amy

And if you take really hot water outside in really cold weather (I don't know how cold but maybe 10 or 20 below) and toss it up in the air it will explode into snow and ice! Instantly. Very fun! This is my husbands favorite cold weather trick! Amy

I felt very grateful for the people that said anything at all-for making the attempt. But man some of these things listed. I could really have done without. The best for me-as others have mentioned are the people who took the time to tell me the stories about how my mom touched their lives. And even I'm sorry- while completely inadequate- was enough for many of the people I know. And I have to add that my least favorite is the "call me if I can do anything". Sitting here now a month out from the funeral, I think- why can't those people just do instead of waiting for me. I wish my really close friends would know enough to just come grab my kids for an hour or call me for a night out. And I know I can ask. And I know I should ask. But there's just something about not having too. Something about having people so close to you that they understand to just DO. Thanks for a good post! Amy

This was also very hard for me to read. I have been having these same thoughts since mom passed. It just really seems like things got so much worse when she was started on the liquid morphine. She had had a morphine patch for quite awhile but she became so much more incoherent and then slipped away from us only after the other morphine was started. I'm not convinced we killed her with the morphine but it all seems so coincidental to not have me at least wondering. I do know that she was extremely anxious on that Saturday (she died the next Tues) about her difficulty breathing. And I understood the morphine to have been started to help with both issues- helping her to breathe and helping her not be anxious about her breathing. I'm sorry I don't have comfort or answers. Just common ground it seems. Amy

I had read this previously and really liked it. A breath of fresh air is a great way to describe it. Amazing the similarity of the experience. Thanks for posting this. Amy

Thanks so much! I ordered my copy today.

I agree about posting here, in our grieving section. I am also 34 and have recently lost my mother. This is a very tough time. Amy

My aunt had written me an email and it prompted me to write some things down that I hadn't really thought through yet. One of the things that always bothered me was my mom and my inability to get to any sort of discussion about dying. And as I wrote to my aunt I finally pinpointed why. Here's what I wrote: When I look back at that Sunday(mom was alert but groggy on Sunday and died on Tuesday), I realize I should have seen that these were the last days. I had thought for quite a while that when my mom decided it was time to go, that it would go fast. Nothing really prepares you for that though. She could have lasted for weeks in that state. For a long time Greg kept bugging me to have some conversations with Mom that he felt we hadn't had yet. And I told him that we had said everything and more. But now I think there are things we never did say. Most of which, I'm not concerned about--I don't have any regrets about it. But, for instance, on Saturday, she really wanted to talk about me picking a ring to have from her jewelry. I felt that there was still time and we didn't pursue it. I kind of put her off. When I look back on it, I think she knew on Saturday. I never got the sense that she was scared to die. I also never got the sense that she had much peace about it either. And that's something I wish we had spoken about more. She was always more concerned about the next procedure or the next drug. I always thought we'd get to a point where the dr would say no more . And we would have had time to have those conversations. But without the dr saying no- having any sort of death converstions always felt like we had admitted that we had lost hope. And I never felt that she wanted that. Maybe she was just protecting me. It feels really good to have pinpointed that problem. I don't know the answer for how we could have gotten around it. And I sense that I'm not alone in this problem. This after Christmas time is clearly harder for me. It was very easy to get wrapped up in the bustle of Christmas. These normal days are much harder for me. Thanks. Amy

Christmas for me was not as hard as I thought it might be. For me it's more the everyday stuff that's hard. But the one thing that was hard was that my Mom had gotten some shopping done in those last couple weeks. And I was the designated wrapper for my Dad's gifts from Mom. What to put on the tags???? I sat there for the longest time just stunned. Unable to think of anything appropriate. Everything I wanted to use was sure to have everyone dissolving into tears so I left it blank and made my brother come up with something. Wow! Amy

It seems like something that if you caught a whiff of the smell once in awhile that's one thing. But 2-3 times a day (and I'm sure the smell lingers a bit) every day- 5 days a week. That's a lot, really. I wish there were more extensive research on this. Now you've got me curious. Could it have a cumulative effect? We can't always control our environment but this seems to be one you could maybe work around somehow, if it's possible at work. Good luck. Amy

My mom died this past Tuesday evening. What a whirlwind week this has been. Here is the obituary. I still feel overwhelmed by the details. She has left me with such a huge hole. Life will never be the same. Yach VISITATION TODAY Margaret C. Yach Loving Wife, Mother, Grandma, Sister, Friend Age 58, of Shoreview passed away on December 7, 2004 peacefully at home surrounded by family and friends after a fulfilling life and a six- year courageous journey with cancer. Preceded in death by parents Francis and Margaret (Jaeger) Conley. Survived by husband of 35 years, Robert; daughter, Amy (Gregory) Hokanson; sons, Brian and Joe (Julia); grandchildren, Gary, Anthony, Claire and Jeremy Hokanson, Tyler Yach; sister, Mary (Bill) Schatzlein; brothers, Patrick (Patricia), Tom (Donna), Mike (Judy) and Bill (Debra) Conley; mother-in-law, Doris Yach; many nieces, nephews and other relatives and friends. Margaret will be remembered for her wonderful sense of humor, her devotion to family and her great determination. Visitation Thursday (TODAY) 5-8 PM at HOLCOMB-HENRY-BOOM, 515 Hwy 96 at Mackubin, Shoreview. Mass of Christian Burial Friday 10:30 AM at ST JOHN THE EVANGELIST CATHOLIC CHURCH, 380 E. Little Canada Rd, Little Canada with visitation beginning at 9:30 AM until time of Mass. Interment Resurrection Cemetery. Memorials preferred to American Cancer Society in lieu of flowers. 651-482-7606 Published in the Star Tribune on 12/9/2004.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Amy

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice -even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

I know I don't do a lot of responding around here but I know many of you understand. I don't have the words. I don't have encouragment in me right now. I read a lot and am following your stories just not responding. so thanks in advance for listening to my little venting. I just wanted to vent my worn outness to those who I know will understand. I love my mother dearly but this is such a struggle. In order for my mom to feel normal, she has to keep doing things. Getting out to run errands, planning a party for my dad, etc. The bulk of the work falls to me. She can't go by herself to places because she is so weak and off balance-so at least twice a week we're off someplace for something -- with two toddlers in tow. On top of which, her hearing loss is so pronounced now that she doesn't listen a whole lot. Understandable... however, it means that she isn't listening. When I do try to tell her things she typically cuts me off or she pretends she understood me but I know she didn't. She's frustrated, I'm frustrated. And the whole thing is just wearing me out. It's also hard because no matter how much I do, I know there is more I could do. Like attend appointments with her, follow her eating and drinking more closely, etc, etc, etc. And I know I'm exhausted for other reasons. 2 stepsons in highschool, 2 toddlers, full time second shift employment, etc. A toddler who thinks 4am is a great time to get up in the morning Ok, so yes, my biggest problem is lack of sleep. I know. I would do anything for my mom. I will take her anywhere she wants to go and listen to her for as long as she will talk. I know I would regret it if I did anything else. The weight of that implication alone is so enormous. I'm really not looking for solutions. I don't know that I would do anything differently anyway. It's just a difficult time. Thank you for listening. It's feels good just to have said that "out loud" Amy

That's great news!

I'm so sorry to hear your news. I wanted to add that my mother currently has brain mets- 20 of them. 6 of which were recently treated with stereotactic radiosurgery (not sure what the difference is between that and Gamma Knife) But they treated the ones that were large enough to get and left the rest. Maybe it's worth a second opinion. My mom had WBR in 1999 and had a reoccurance in 2003 for the first time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Amy

I want to hear too. I wish I could have been there. But I watched KARE11 at 10. I thought I saw some blue tshirts with a sign. Was that you. They never zoomed in on you that I saw. Did you have better luck at either of the other spots??

I love it. Especially the ac/heat in the car one. I've done that several times this summer. Unfortunately!

This is a great caregiver topic Peggy! It has been my goal to do what ever I can in whatever little ways I can, to make my mom feel like I'm treating her as normally as possible. Which for her, means we go out. We run errands. We go to lunch (this is also a great one for getting her to eat something!). And most times these days its one quick trip to one store to one department because that's all she can manage. But to her it means she still is taking care of her business. It's a small thing for me but huge for her. Amy

Hi! My mom was diagnosed 7 months after I was married. Married in July 98, mom diagnosed Feb 99. That April we decided to start trying to get pregnant. There was such a sense of urgency to it. Such added pressure. It took us 10 months with 3 very early miscarriages to finally conceive. I was a complete basketcase for most of that time. My daughter was born in Oct of 2000 and my mom was there for the delivery. And she was there for the delivery of my son 2 years later. And now they are almost 2 and 4 and guess what? Mom's still here. My point I guess is to plan your event. Try not to be too stressed. You will never know what's around the corner till you get there. Have fun with your planning! Amy

Isn't it hard not to think that way? I would like to point out to you though-that I have thought that every milestone for the last five years with my mother. Now- I haven't spent excessive time worrying about it- as I'm sure is the case with you as well. But the thought has crossed my mind at every milestone- AND SHE'S STILL HERE! My best advice is to forgive yourself for having the thought at all. It's ok. And here is the best place to express them, because chances are most of us have felt the same at one time or another. And have a great day on Sunday!!! Amy

Ginny: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart just aches for you. Amy

I'm here off and on! Thanks Ginny! I just recently started a new job and it's been difficult to manage to get here much. And usually when I do I'm just reading. Mom's doing as well (or better) than can be expected- which is good. Amy

I love this topic. Very cool. Mine is my initials amy and H for my last name. Happy is just a word but one that describes my general mood. At least most of the time Amy

(((((Denise))))) My heart goes out to you and your mom. You have gotten a lot of good advice here already so I won't add to it now. Amy