BeckyCW

Shellie, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, and sorry for your mom for what she went through, and now your dad. I can't imagine how you must feel. Everyone here has posted such good advice. Like Dean said so well, surrender and acceptance are different! And I don't think "acceptance" implies that you think something is "okay" -- not at all. What's happening in your family is NOT okay. It's d*** horrible. Maybe acceptance just means a deeper realization of what we can control and what we can't. You can "be there" for your dad and listen to him and love him and support him, but you can't make it go away. And I would imagine there would be times you can't even "be there" for him, because it just must take such a toll on your very soul. Those are the times to do something to nurture yourself, so you can come back another day and do what you have to do. This may sound crass, and I really don't mean it to... But I was reminded two nights ago by my friends just how healing laughter can be. I'm sure it's hard to find anything to laugh about right now, but even a little can go a long way. Do you have a friend who always makes you laugh? Maybe someone you feel comfortable crying with, but will also help you find ways to have fun, laugh, and let off some steam? Or maybe a favorite comedian whose video you could rent? Forgive me if this seems inappopriate, and please don't think I don't know how serious your situation is. I am fortunate to have two friends who can always make me laugh, even in the worst of times, and sometimes I think that's all that keeps me sane. You are in my prayers, and will stay there. Becky

Dean, Another great gift you've given us, thank you. I will share these thoughts tomorrow with a friend at work who is fighting depression. The anniversary of her mom's death (from lung cancer, by the way) was last week, but that comes on the heels of many other stressful things that have added up over the past year and at last she has realized she's depressed. She was telling me today about how she doesn't want to "do anything," nothing at all. (Been there.) I think your thoughts will help. They've helped me. Thanks, BeckyCW

I pray the doctors will have the wisdom to do what's best for your father, and that you will all find some comfort soon in having a good plan. Wishing you all the best, BeckyCW

Norme, My prayers are with you and Buddy, as well as for the hospice people to have the wisdom to do what will help the most. I have "known" you such a short time, but you have made a big, big impression on me as such a caring, competent woman with a great sense of humor and common sense. Buddy is a lucky guy to have had you and your love all this time, and I'm sure he knows that better than anyone. I pray his pain will decrease and that you will have more quality time together, and that you will have God's strength in this difficult time. BeckyCW

Ha -- I just joined this group a week ago tonight, and after the first 4 days I wrote to chastise my brother for getting me into something so addicting! The only thing I've ever been addicted to before was chocolate (we won't go there), and now this -- Aaargh! I swore I wouldn't ever go to the site from work, knowing it could be a slippery slope, but I admit to doing it a couple of times already - Yikes! I can only imagine what it's like for the rest of you, who have been involved longer. This one is SUCH a positive addiction, though. Who could possibly have too many people in their lives who understand and care this much? BeckyCW

Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over fifty-thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full. (I'm sure your box is jammed with it already, too.)

Dean, I've only "known" you for 6 days now, and already you've become a very important person to me. I've read so many of your messages and one from your wife; you are an extraordinary couple. The wisdom in your posts has meant the world to me already, and I can only imagine how attached to you everyone is who has been here awhile. Once again, you're being wise to recognize the depression for what it is and get the help you need. I would guess you have a long history of doing just that -- getting the help you need, because that enables you, in turn, to help others and to lead the kind of life you value. How can we get more Deans in this world?! You're important to me, and I wish you better times ahead, and soon. BeckyCW

Sandy, I'm so sorry. What a blow. This is a powerful story. If and when I write something (fundraising letter, article, etc.) to help with fundraising, I hope you won't mind me contacting you to use this. I know of a woman (a lovely, sensitive woman) who gave $2 million to furnish a breast cancer clinic at one of our hospitals out here. Sounds about like you described. Artwork on the walls, lots of caring volunteers, the whole bit. I used to go get my mammograms there, even though it was all the way across town, because I knew they also had the best doctors, radiologists, etc. And it was icing on the cake that it was so "posh." I am ashamed to admit that I never once thought about how this would feel to someone with lung cancer at the time, not having known anyone going through it. Now... Now I'd see it all from a different set of glasses. About the gift the woman made... She had it to give, and she knew a lot of women who'd had breast cancer and had terrible stories about how frightened they were and how badly they'd been treated, so this is what she did. She also gives for research, mind you... she just had this "extra" to give, and she specified the money be used this way, so that's what they did. She still gives for cancer research (not necessarily disease-specific, just the research part of the hospital), so I won't tar and feather her, but after your post, I'm wishing I knew her personally so I could send this to her!!! Why should some patients get the royal treatment and not others? There HAVE to be lots of people who know lung cancer patients, too, and know how scary it is. We're going to find them. And we won't ask for fancy decor, we'll ask for fancy drugs, better chemo, new surgical techniques, etc. When they start saving more lives, THEN we can think about how the place looks. I'm just so sorry. You have every right to be raving mad. I am too. BeckyCW

Oh, Norme, I'm so sorry to hear Buddy has taken this turn for the worse. I can tell that you are a woman with a good head on her shoulders and a heart as big as Alaska, but at times like this it's hard to remember to take good care of yourself. I know you'll take good care of Buddy, and I hope you'll remember that you need to keep up your own strength as well. (I know he wants that, too.) My prayers are going out for Buddy to feel better and for you to keep the faith. BeckyCW

Pinky, WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That's so terrific. I'm soooooo happy for you and your dad. A few years ago, my dad had surgery to remove something that "might" have been cancer on/near his thalmus (? I'm afraid I've blocked it a bit, it was so scary). Anyway, I flew to Texas to be there with him and my mom, and I will never, ever forget when the doctor came out to tell us, "We'll have to wait for the lab tests to confirm, but I can tell you by sight that this was not cancer. He's going to be fine." I'm crying just remembering it. And here we are, years later, and he IS fine. I hope as much for your dad. So you see, I know how you feel. "Not cancer" is beyond comparison to any other feeling! I join you in rejoicing tonight!!! BeckyCW

Wow -- If only people knew how much their comments can affect someone's attitude, and how much damage they can do! Lilyjohn, I'm glad you wrote what you did, and BLT, I can't believe how insensitive your doctor was in that comment about the mammogram, too. Healers should never, never be that way!!! It's so true that people try to distance themselves from scary things (like lung cancer). In my work, we had a big problem raising money for childhood cancer because no one wanted to think about it -- it was just too awful to think about, so lots of people turned the other way. About 6 years ago, I started a program using artwork done by kids with cancer to create holiday cards, note cards, shirts, etc. The artwork is bright and cheerful and happy or beautiful, so people are drawn in. A photo of the child and a quote from him or her and some info on their diagnosis and status is on the BACK of the card. Kids with cancer become a little less scary, and people find it easier to pay attention. It has really helped. In childhood cancer, though, we DON'T have to deal with people "blaming" the patient for the cancer!!! Still, I'm betting we can find ways to "humanize" lung cancer patients, to "help" people become less judgemental, and like you said, let people know there IS hope, so that it's less scary for them to pay attention. People may get tired of my "childhood cancer stuff," and I apologize in advance, if so -- It's just where I've been for over 6 years now in my work. But here's one thing I hope we can all take courage from. In the mid-1950s, hardly any child ever survived any kind of cancer. Now -- after a lot of reseasrch -- there are some kinds of childhood cancer that can be cured in over 90% of kids, and almost every kind of cancer kids get has seen very dramatic progress. Even in the 6.5 years I've been there, I've seen the statistics improve. (We all know that people are not statistics, though, so for those who die of even the "easier to cure" cancers, it's still a tragedy! It's not enough until 100% are cured or better yet until cancer is prevented altogether.) Anyway, research DOES make progress... not as fast as we'd like, but it does give hope and life to so many. Think of all those on this board right now who are alive today because of new things found in research just in the last few years -- and think of how much less a lot of people suffer going through chemo today than even 10 years ago, due to better drugs. It's not going fast enough, and we need to keep pushing, but there really IS hope, even for the types of lung cancer that hit the hardest. There is hope for every patient here. And aside from research, we all know that miracles do happen! All of you who are participating in clinical trials, you are helping research progress AND most likely getting the best possible treatment. Clinical trials are not for everyone, and there isn't a trial for everyone who wants one... But all of us owe a big debt to those who are participating in trials they qualify for. Of course, every patient has to weigh all the factors before deciding what's best for themselves, which is what really matters. Off my soapbox now... I just wanted to echo that yes, FEAR is a big factor -- or rather a big obstacle -- in the fight against lung cancer, both for the patients and their families AND for the general public who need to know more and respect patients more. I am hoping that there are many in medicine right now who see this disease as a big challenge and are up to the search for new cures. Hang in there, everyone. I'm so glad this board is here for venting and support. BeckyCW

It's a beautiful day here in sunny Southern California, too, but I DO wish I were on the beautiful Mattaponi River today with my "little brother!" He did mention his hair had started to grow back, but this was still a little shocking. BeckyCW

I'm very interested in this thread of conversation, since I am both DavidC's sister and I work as a fundraiser for childhood cancer research. I really appreciate what all of you have said. (We hear much the same kind of thing about ACS from parents of kids with cancer, by the way. They do some good work, but they are definitely not getting it right in many areas.) The statistics for lung cancer are so... well, awful. All those comparisons really make us realize how big the numbers are. And groups like this help people like me realize that my brother is one of so, so many human beings -- with such great personalities -- who make up those statistics. Not a single one "deserves" this, nor should anyone "give up" on this disease in any way. (preaching to the choir, here...) Anyway, about where to give money for research... If you don't mind, let me offer a little insider's scoop from a professional fundraiser, and ask a few questions, too. First: Fay is absolutely right -- It's very important that if you want your money to be used for a specific purpose, you make sure to specify that when you make the gift. By law, if you "restrict" your gift to a certain purpose, and the organization accepts it, they must use it for that purpose. (Their other option is to refuse the gift, which does happen when agencies can't do what you want, for whatever reason.) All you have to do is write in a letter that goes along with your donation(s) that you want your gift to be "restricted for _____" (lung cancer research, early diagnosis programs, small cell cancer research, lung cancer patient support programs, etc.). Mind you, if you just say, "Please use my gift for lung cancer," they have a lot of discretion there... that may be fine with you, but it may not! If you're particular (and you have a right to be), then be sure to give specifics. Don't ever hesistate to call in advance if you have questions about how they can or do use the money. When in doubt, ask to speak to the Director of Development (the department that includes fundraising). Second: I agree that supporting Comprehensive Cancer Centers is a great way to go. They are doing top-notch research, and well worth supporting. There are other hospitals, especially those associated with university medical centers, that are doing good research, too. Pilot studies, for instance, need support -- Sometimes an expert has a research idea that needs to be pursued a little before they know enough to see if it's going to be promising... and then if that research yields certain results, they will have a chance for federal funding to take it further -- but they need money to do groundwork before they can prove that. And of course many hospitals have various programs to help lung cancer patients, and the more resources they have (donations and volunteers), the more they can do. 3rd: If you're making a gift, no matter the size, it can be made in honor or in memory of someone dear to you. Most places will send a card to that person or their family (if you provide names and addresses), letting them know you've make a tribute or memorial gift. The gift amounts are generally not mentioned. Tributes and memorials can also be restricted gifts! And if lots of people are giving in honor or memory of your loved one, you can call the organization in advance and ask that all those gifts be put in a "fund" restricted for something, and ask for periodic reports to see how much (total) has been given, if you want. (Please excuse me if I'm telling you things you already know.) 4th: I have not done this yet, but I'd like to find out if there is a cooperative research group for lung cancer. The Comprehensive Cancer Centers do a lot of joint research, but some diseases (childhood cancer, for instance) have actual "cooperative groups" made up of experts at a number of hospitals who all work together to set research goals and priorities, pool their info on results, share laboratory resources and tissue samples, etc. (The childhood cancer cooperative research group has over 5000 members at over 230 hospitals.) This makes research more efficient and, most important, it speeds up their results. If there's one for lung cancer research, I'd love to know about it. Does anyone know? Also, does anyone know much about the American Lung Association and whether they fund research? I'll volunteer to check it out, if no one else has. I've been meaning to. And of course, don't forget that there is a nonprofit being formed based on THIS GROUP! (I have volunteered to help with fundraising, as this develops.) Whew... Sorry, I just got on a roll there! Hope I didn't go overboard. DavidG, congratulations on raising $6,000 for research -- WAY TO GO!!! Thanks, everyone. I'm praying for everyone here to beat this disease. BeckyCW

Chani1, I only just got here, myself, but welcome! My brother (DavidC) was diagnosed last March with SCLC at age 38 (now 39) and that's why I'm here. He finished treatments last October and is doing fine now -- well, he's fighting bronchitis at the moment, and still struggling to get his energy back, but we are so thankful for where he's at. How old is your sister? And where are she and your father being treated? I will keep your family in my prayers and hope all goes well. BeckyCW

Angie, Your dad and you are in my prayers! BeckyCW

I do know of a website that should be helpful for your cousin's father-in-law. Suggest that they try: http://www.acor.org/ ACOR is "Association of Cancer Online Resources." I know about them because I belong to their list-serve for parents of kids with cancer -- NOT because I have a child fighting cancer (thank God), but because I work raising money for childhood cancer research, and it has helped to me to learn more about what our families face in their battles. ACOR has list-serves for just about every kind of cancer. The one I subscribe to is very different from this website (no pictures, for one thing!) but still it provides a forum for people to talk with one another about their experiences, and that's always so valuable. I'm sure there's one for Hodgkins. I hope this is helpful for your relatives. BeckyCW

Norme, l Like ViVi, I'm just getting the hang of this and just now read your message. Your "red letter day" post was precious -- Love it! I can just see the two of you walking down the street. I hope Iressa continues to work wonders -- and hope Buddy starts to eat more soon. Thank you for posting such a great message The ROMEOs in Paris, TX all go to the McDonalds every morning, too. (That's where my parents live -- who are DavidC's parents and Karen's in-laws) My folks were just telling me about that when I was visting, 'cuz one of our uncles is a ROMEO. (Now that's a funny thought.) Wonder if it's a southern thing? Here's to Buddy and lots more red letter days! Hugs and prayers, BeckyCW

On a related note... I don't know if any of the flights you guys have planned have to do with medical treatment, but if they do, are you aware of the organizations that provide free flights for patients? I know of a couple of them that do a lot of free flights for kids with cancer, but I'm pretty sure they're not just for kids. If anyone wants that kind of info, please let me know and I'll find it. (Since I'm new here, I'm thinking maybe you already know about them.) BeckyCW

Fay, D@#% it, I just read this. I've only just "met" you, but I'm offended you didn't invite me to the pity party last night -- after all, I'm right down the road! I believe one wears pajamas and brings pizza to a pity party, right? I have some nice blue Schnauzer pj's and I like pepperoni and sausage, no anchovies, please, but if you want them, okay. It's your party and you can cry if you want to (sorry, couldn't resist!)... but we'll spend most of the time coming up with new ways to run ED out of town and keep him out. I can tell NED is a much better match for you. And ED had better watch out when you get out those combat boots. I hope you find some really big machine guns. Weapons of mass destruction (but "smart weapons" please -- the ones that hit only the target and leave the good cells alone). Hugs and prayers, BeckyCW

Karen(335), Yes! Let's do plan a So. Calif. get-together soon! Fay needs to be there, too. My surgery was on Jan. 6th, to get rid of frequent and major sore throats (like the kind only vicodin will touch). It's a very rare thing -- I have a birthmark on my face and neck (make-up is a wonderful thing), but it's also INSIDE my throat (very rare) and was causing these sore throats that were getting worse with age. (Yep, gettin' old!) It's a vascular birthmark (they grow as you get older) and has something to do with the autonomic nervous system... I'll leave it at that. Anyway, I went to a specialist (the only one, as far as I know) in Little Rock, of all places. He was terrific. And percocet is terrific, too... but I had to get off it so I could go back to work yesterday, darn it. Your prayers are sure welcome, but save most of them for my brother (DavidC) and all the others here fighting cancer!!! Looking forward to meeting you in person! BeckyCW

Just wanted to let you know that yet another Becky will be praying for you. (How's that for a new organization: BALC -- Beckys Against Lung Cancer!) I hope tomorrow goes well, and every day after that! BeckyCW

Sandy, congrats on the stable scans!!! And add me to the list of those praying for your ultrasound to show all is well. Tami, my you-know-whats were hurting just reading your post about all those mammogram views you had that day -- the regular ones are hard enough! I've also had them look at mammograms and say, "whoops, we need another one," but I've always been in that majority of folks for whom it turns out to be nothing. I hope you're one of those, and that you don't have to wait long to hear it! And Karma1976, I am totally mesmerized by that dancing Spiderman. That's good distraction material, right there. BeckyCW

Yeah, David, big misake. Too late now, though! I've already had quite a few offers privately for good stories -- I think I'm about ready to start making some up and auctioning them to the highest bidder, just for the heck of it. heh heh heh. Fay & Nancy, I'd love to meet you sometime! Need to wait until I'm a little more recovered from some recent throat surgery (nothing serious!) and then it would be great to get together. Everyone, I wish we were all here for some other reason (just about anything would do), but since we're here, I'm proud to be sharing my brother with you. Just how MUCH I share, well... we'll see about that. I may have to consult our other sister for good David stories, to make sure I don't miss any juicy ones... Hey, maybe I could find some naked baby pictures! I will be meeting KatieB tomorrow after work, and am really looking forward to it. I'm not up to staying out as late as I'd like to right now, but at least we can start to talk about fundraising, planning, etc. (Dave, I promise not to take any family pictures to show her... this time.) BeckyCW

Carmen, As we say here in Southern California... COOL! That's such waaaaaay cool news. Hope you recover quickly and find great ways to celebrate. BeckyCW

MO, what great, great news! Congratulations and I hope you find lots of fun ways to celebrate. BeckyCW