Elaine
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Posts posted by Elaine
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Nina (on the keyboard).
Man, I am going to admit, I didn't do so hot. I mean, I really did poorly!
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A couple of LCSC men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The LSSC man paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Frank, what do you expect??? After all, your buddies surely had seen you arm and arm with those bears!!!!
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Frank wanted to go ice fishing. He's seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary items together, he made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning his footstool, he started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, Frank moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Frank, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
He stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"
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The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin...
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper
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How do you keep Frank busy? (see below)
How do you keep Frank busy? (see above)
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Frank, I am currently searching for an IQ test to see which of the four of you qualify!
elaine
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Things not to say to a naked guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. It's more fun to look at.
6. Make it dance.
7. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
19. Can I be honest with you?
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
60. Where's the rest of it?
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Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- - Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better whenstanding at attention.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinnertable.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
- Look, MyPenis can shake hands!
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A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Homer) washes up on the shore.
Homer and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see Homer there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: "Hey, no messing around!"
The couple look at each other and yells back: "We're not messing around!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Homer yells down: "Heeey, no no messing around!"
Again they yell back, "We're not messing around!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again Homer yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no messing around!!"
"We said we're not messing around!!"
Finally the shift is over and Homer climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up when the wife and Homer are screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're messing around."
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Two dumb
men go hunting. Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him.After much effort he drags his buddy from the woods, throws him in the 4x4 and takes him to the nearest hospital.
"Will he be all right?" the worried hunter asks the doctor.
"It's hard to say," says the doctor. "But it would have been better if you hadn't gutted and skinned him."
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Nell
I am sending prayers to Bob and his medical team.
love and fortitude
elaine
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Nancy
I am thrilled to hear your good news!
love and fortitude
elaine
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Lucie and Don,
Your good news is soooooooooooooo good to my ears!
elaine
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HUH?
Well, am I right about the rice a roni?
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hmmmm
Two doors left, one has the grand prize, so of course you should pick another door, but have your odds gone from 1 in 3 to 1 in 2? I think so. But something tells me this "problem" cant be that simple or else why would my dear friend Curtis give it to us? There are two cynical answers to my question:
1. He has little faith in most of our mathematical prowess.
2. He knows there are those like me who will overthink its simplicity.
elaine
I think I have given a proper answer to the Rice a Roni sidetrack question.
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Beth
I hope you are finding peace now that you have ALMOST made your decision. To me the decisions are the toughest parts.
If there is a recurrance, and I am betting and hoping and praying and shouting and intuiting that there is not going to be one, I think that there are many other things that can be done. Heather mentioned two. There are new treatments all the time.
We all want you to be happy and for your "new normal" to be as peaceful as can be!
love you and your hat (it looks like a hat with a lot of fortitude!)
elaine
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Anyone who has even a bite of Rice a Roni in any given year has actually eaten their yearly supply of Rice a Roni. Those who have eaten no rice a roni have also eaten their yearly supply, I think you could say.
As to the Doors. It made no differece, since what was behind each door could quickly be moved behind a diiferent door when need be. Is that cynical?-- only if contestents of less desirable "qualities" --whatever the prodcuers deemed less desirable--always got the goats or rice a roni!
That's my take.
elaien
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Here's the up side to my saga! Most all of the Doctors and testing equiptment I will ever need are in the same building if not that building then one of their others, which are all connected by computer. I will NEVER have to take referrals from one place to another except to the new onc and back, I think they even do them for anything that I might need at the hospital.
All my tests will be right there on their computers and all the doctors will have access to the scans etc! That takes a load off me already. So if I can just figure out a really good PCP, I have one more change I can make this year, I will be set!
Now I just need to get a new onc--got my eye on one....a few blocks from my house. We'll see who the latest PCP suggests though. She is thinking on it, she said.
elaine,
who is trying to be the kind of person she thought she was before cancer and the meanest bunch of jerks I ever met who were "afraid to get my hopes up" came into my life. Problem is, I had already read too much to have any hopes to get up, up.
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Cheryl
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
love and fortitude
elaine
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Curtis
Oh that crazy math stuff--if you have one problem, every time you work it you get the SAME dang answer! And if your buddy works it, HE gets the same answer (unless he's math challenged!)
I like REAL problems--say literature, philosophy or art etc. If you have one problem, every time you work it through your mind, you might come up with a DIFFERENT answer. If my friends takes the same "problem"--no way will he or she come up with MY answer, unless I can do a little convincing but even then, during my convincing I will think of something that will change my initial argument.
Takes all kinds to make this world go around, ain't that grand?!
elaine
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Oh the TWO Doctors I had that I LOVED were probably wacky! The loved to talk and say, "I don't really know, but I will find out or I will send you here or there" and they LOVED to laugh and I loved to laugh and make people laugh. We figure this woman last laughed in toddlerhood, lol.
The other one that I LOVED was also nice, a little too godlike, but would show a human side and wonderfully sarcastic, which can be fun! (Irony completely went over THIS woman's head or she finds my irony a bit not serious enough for my "drastic" situation.
I don't think she is as young as I thought she would be , but she is skinnier than Ally McBeal on her wasted days.
She was definately hateful about the smoking, but only mentioned it once, not that there was a reason to mention it all.
I have no idea why she didn't give me meds, but by the time I was leaving, even I forgot about them, since I was thinking how the heck am I going to get out of having HER as my Dr., lol. I have a feeling she wasn't all that keen on having a lc patient herself.
Well, I guess I am not looking for someone to marry my son, so....
elaine
men go hunting. Soon they get separated and, as often happens, one mistakes the other for a deer and shoots him.
lonely
in GRIEF
Posted
Curtis,
I just want you to know that I care! Wish I could offer more, but I hope you know that you are loved!
elaine