Addie

Merry Christmas Curtis and Katie! Having just received one of those Christmas newsletters of the sort that everyone says is the WORST (full of boastings and braggings and superlatives and trips taken and money spent ).....to read your heartfelt missive full of love and hope and appreciation and warm memories is the perfect offset. You write well, Curtis. And I'm glad that although you didn't much feel like doing a Christmas letter this year.....you did one anyway. That little girl of yours is a treasure...with much to teach you too, it appears.

Well, if a little one in a red velvet dress and a big smile doesn't put you in the mood for Christmas....then nothing will!! Faith is adorable. Enjoy the holidays, Chapmans. I don't see how you cannot, with Faith to lead the way!!

Glad your party was fun and I'm sure the salad/dessert was great! (Any salad with that much good stuff in it HAS to be a dessert too! ) I too, figure that at some point it will become clear to me just what it is I'm supposed to do with this new experience of having/having HAD cancer. Some way to "use" it all for some greater good, if possible. Having cancer doesn't define our lives...you're right. But it certainly provides new windows....some alterations to our old perspective, don't you think? People say you can never return to where you were pre-cancer....and I do believe that is true. I think being where you and I have spent the past 7 months DOES change one forever, in ways. Funny thing though....for as much as people seem to feel that having cancer teaches you not to sweat the small stuff...but to live and enjoy each day.....I STILL find that getting stuck in traffic can bring out the grump in me in a big, fat hurry! I guess SOME irritations don't change. no matter what...eh? I'm so happy you're almost done and have fared so well, Di. You're something, girl......really something. Keep this in mind though...that when your hair starts to go (and for me it was right around day 10) - it goes in a hurry! Two days in the shower, rubbing at my noggin and I was bald! Hope you've got a couple of cute winter hats waiting....

schmaydee... My onc doesn't do PETs either. He says they don't tell him enough!!?? You can have false positives AND false negatives with PET scans...so perhaps he figures (and maybe your onc does too) that PETs aren't any more definitive than CTs?? The thing is....if you have trust in your docs (and they got you this far, didn't they?) then rely on that. This period of time in all of this.....the point where we are NOT undergoing any kind of treatment.....can be a scary time. We don't feel like we're doing anything to battle the beast. I'm basically in the same place you are. Chemo finished in September. PCI finished in November. First CT following tx was in October and they could find no sign of cancer in my lung/chest or anywhere. NED. Great news!! Now I'm due for the next CT in January. Not getting nervous yet....but I am much more aware these days of that sense of...."What might the cancer be doing if there are still micro cells in me?" I try NOT to focus on that....and as for the #'s or statistics on survival???? Fuggedaboudem~! They are only numbers and they have to do with OTHERS....not necessarily with me! I'm still convinced that a good attitude is a huge help. Do I feel as good as I felt before my diagnosis? No. Not really. I have some sore muscles in my back that the rad onc says are from radiation. I'm bald and my ears get cold. I'm packing about 10 extra pounds of weight that slow me down and have reduced my wardrobe to pull-on pants with elastic waistbands. I get tired more easily than I used to and too, there is the mental thing of knowing that cancer is part of my life and might be for a long time. But...none of the above is intolerable! It's just a bit different than what my life was like BEFORE dx. Yeah....we've got a pretty bad disease. So do a lot of people who don't have cancer....but have had strokes, or have diabetes, AIDS, Alzheimers, ALS....you name it. Knowing the numbers doesn't do a damn thing for you but give you something else to worry about! Use that energy for something more positive....and forget the numbers. And keep in mind.....the person that crosses the street tomorrow and gets sideswiped by that beer truck Becky is always talking about....has no CLUE about the stats on beer truck deaths, either! Nor did he/she care when he/she stepped off the curb!! Some days I'm not such a cockeyed optimist myself....you know? Some days I nod off on the sofa feeling older than my 58 years. But for the most part I try to stay focused on all there is ahead to look forward to....none of which includes a return of my cancer OR more treatment....but IF that happens, I'll deal with it when the time comes. For now...there has GOT to be something better for me to use my mental energies on than worrying. Same goes for you, schmaydee. And anyway, it's Christmas. If nothing else....go bake some cookies for your neighbors or donate a toy to Toys for Tots. It'll get your mind off the numbers in a hurry....I promise! The best way to relieve ourselves of worry.....is to focus on someone else! Relax. Breathe. Find a new focus....and enjoy, eh?

Donna....nope, '46. But my birthday is in Sept.....so in the summer of '69 I was still 22. I turned 23 somewhere outside of Paris. Cannot for the life of me remember the name of the little town...but sure do remember the dinner my galfriend and I had, to celebrate! It was a splurge. Probably cost us $5.00 apiece! Lots of wine too, to wash it all down!

Oh, Angie.....what is there to say? It must feel like you are on overload....but I always try to tell myself when things get so overwhelming, that God just doesn't give us more than we can handle....even if it seems overwhelming. Please know I'm thinking of you and your family, sending you strength vibes. I'm so sorry you family has been hit with more. Hang in there sweetie....

Maybe the key, Di....is that it depends on the "patient". Some people -perhaps most - want to be in control of their own care.....and some don't! Some appreciate that someone else will take the helm on such things. Yes, I think companionship and empathy are most important. I too, am one that does fine being alone. In the winter months...I can hole in for several days at a time and I'm just fine as long as the t.v. works, I have books to read and some yarn to knit with! Still...it's nice to have someone to bounce your thoughts off of sometimes....isn't it? My hubby has been my primary caregiver. On those 2-3 rare occasions when I got sick from chemo....he was a brick. Bringing me a tray with chicken noodle soup, saltines with butter and a glass of milk....my comfort foods. Keeping the dogs quiet so I could sleep off the nausea. He also drove me to and from every chemo, every radiation treatment. It wasn't so much that I couldn't drive myself...but I think he felt it was something tangible he could do and it would relieve me of having to park or worry about any of that. That said...and acknowledging how much I appreciate all the efforts he has made...sometimes he just didn't 'get it', either....or his personal feelings about this "disruption" to our lives would get in the way of things. I don't know that it's entirely possible for someone who's NOT been where we are....to fully understand what it is to be on the inside of a body with lung cancer....looking out. Does that make sense as I put it? Now....again, having said THAT....let me also say that it's been far more of an eye opener to me, just how few friends have remained really constant throughout these last 6-7 months! Some of them act like I'm already dead....in that they never call. Never think to call and say, "Hey....are you up for lunch?" I mean, cancer doesn't mean I don't EAT anymore, does it? Doesn't mean I cannot carry on a phone conversation OR one in person? Cancer doesn't mean I can't hear anymore....or feel.....or miss my friends treating me like I'm still ME, for crying out loud! Truth? I've gotten more support out of cyberfriends and OLD friends who live thousands of miles away...than I have from people here, whom I thought were my friends. More interesting still.....is that it's been some of the guys from our golf club....or their wives who are NOT members, but whom I've met at social events....who have been most attentive since my diagnosis....sending cards or calling periodically! A couple of the women who I considered my closest friends? Virtually never hear from them. Oh...if I walk into the golf club and they are there....they'll come up and ask how I am. But to ever pick up the phone to call???? Nope. Guess that takes too much effort. Yeah...having cancer opens your eyes to a lot of things you don't anticipate, doesn't it? Wanna know something else funny? Virtually 100% of the people I run into that didn't know about my diagnosis ASSUME I have breast cancer! It's like lung cancer really is invisible.

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH....Old? I'll tell ya about old. Charlie Manson did his thing in l969. I know because that was the summer I spent with a girlfriend, traveling western Europe (on LESS than $5.00 a day, most days! ) and I was 22 then. This past August was my 40th high school reunion!!!! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!! That same summer, man first walked on the moon. I was in Denmark at the time. Wanna guess how many Heinekens two 22 year olds can consume watching the original moon walk? Oh, and it was also the year of Prince Charles' investiture (is that the right word? I ain't too up on my "royals" ) asPrince of Wales! As well as being the year I met the cutest professional soccer player in Rotterdam....and you know how they always say all roads lead to Rome? Well.....NOT if you're 22 years old and meet a pro soccer player. THEN....all roads lead to Rotterdam! Ahhhh....the memories. BTW, I still have the front page of the newspaper showing Manson and his family! My mom saved it for me. Got the moon walk front page too! And an insert from the London paper about Charlie. Oh...and some cute pictures of that soccer player. His name was Theo. Hey....who brought up l969 anyway and sent me off on this reverie?

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I don't think anyone is defending cigarette smoking here. But it IS a personal choice....just as wearing too much perfume or NOT wearing enough deodorant is a personal choice. In both those latter cases....the "scent" can also be offensive and perhaps harmful to those breathing in the vicinity of said scents. People do a lot of things that aren't good for their health....but it's not OUR place here to judge....is it? I was a smoker for a long time. I tried to be a considerate smoker around those who don't smoke or who seem bothered by it. That was "bothered by it"....not "allergic to it". If someone were truly allergic or reactive....I would not have smoked in their presence but would also have expected them to avoid ME as much as I would have tried to put some distance between myself and them. There seems to be little doubt that cigarette smoking is a hazard to one's health. Just how much of a hazard second hand smoke can be, is perhaps not AS clear...but still seems to be a reasonable concern. I see nothing wrong with discussing the fact that there ARE other contributing factors to why SOME people - whether they smoke or not - get lung cancer! In no way, does such a discussion - in my view - lend support for anyone to continue smoking, even IF it is said that smoking is not the ONLY cause of lung cancer! When I was dx'd....I said to everyone I know who smokes, just ONCE, that they should take a page from my book and try to quit. I know of only one person who actually did quit. Wait...two people. I also nagged my hubby to quit too! He got more than the one time comment! But it's not my place to judge others OR harrass them about their smoking. I don't seek out smokers to hang out with...but neither do I avoid them. I have a couple of good friends who still smoke. They do not smoke in my house...and one of them will actually leave a room or go outside in order NOT to smoke around me. The others light right up...but try to hold the cigarette so it doesn't waft towards me. I'm a big girl. I can get up and walk out if it bothers me...but it also matters to me NOT to get preachy with my friends over an issue that THEY are big enough to know might harm them too! I think Heather asked a provocative question. My instincts tell me that while smelling smoke on someone's clothing or hair isn't terribly pleasant...it's also probably not terribly harmful either....but then I'm no scientist, so what do I know? Still...it would seem that the harmful compounds one might inhale off a smoker's clothing would be in very, very small doses, compared to what one inhales if one is a smoker! It's my feeling that there are a lot of things we breathe in every day that probably do us as much harm...that we can do little about. But I'll say it once again....to discuss the fact that smoking is not the ONLY cause of lung cancer is hardly a disservice. I say it's trying to get at the fuller truth behind what causes l.c. And I also say it might just help to remove a bit of the stigma that goes with smoking....because as Elaine pointed out...society is a lot more sympathetic to alcoholism and obesity than it is to smoking.

Keep it up, Joanie!! Am so glad you got great reports from both the docs. You lead the way...the rest of us will all hope to follow as the healthy months keep piling up! Enjoy the holidays. I'm pretty sure this good news will enhance your enjoyment....eh?

Thanks for the explanation, Rick. I kept looking at that date, trying to remember what happened on 12/31/69....thinking it MUST be some kind of sign or signal from the other side or something. Just sorta spooky.

Just came to check in and look what I found on the main page: THE PATH LESS TRAVELLED For members that have chosen not to seek treatment. Anything and everything that goes with living with cancer without major radiation, chemotherapy or surgery. Moderator DeanCarl 43 336 Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm I copied and pasted that. Do you see the date? I am posting because otherwise I'd think I was going loopy. Anyone else see that Dec. 31, l969 date?[/i]

Aw, Bett......dammit! I'm sorry it's back and sorrier still that you had to get the news before Christmas. But...it sounds good that your onc has a plan of attack and I know you will give it your best fight too! You KNOW you'll have our prayers and best thoughts. You've kicked cancer's butt before and you'll do it again. Enjoy the holidays to the hilt, girl....cuz come January, you're back in battle mode again, right? Eat, drink and be merry....and know we'll be with you when it's time to wage battle again. You'll be in my continuing thoughts.....

How timely is this...I have to make some more peanut brittle today for my oncologist who told me he loves it!! No, Ry....I didn't send in this recipe....as actually it's Better Homes and Garden's own Buttery Peanut Brittle recipe. I figured the Recipe Police would be after me for stealing it! But it really is good.....Amy tells the truth! I've already made two batches so today's will be #3. One batch makes 2.5 pounds....so it takes a lotta laps around the block to keep the stuff from showing up on the hips! Amy....so glad you're getting lots of company...but actually I think you're sweet enough to get it without needing a jar of peanut brittle on your desk!

Yes, there are dogs with particularly sensitive noses that are trained for sniffing out cancer. And then there are anecdotal stories too. I have a friend who had a melanoma on her thigh. It was a mole that she hadn't noticed as being worrisome....but her dog sure did! He approached her one day after she was out of the shower....sniffed at her leg and then started to try to bite the mole!! She took a closer look at it then...went to the doctor, and sure enough, it was cancerous! She credits her dog for the "warning". When I started chemo.....the first infusion was in my hand...and when I got home that day my female dog sniffed and sniffed at me. Eventually she centered on my hand and then tried to lick the spot where the needle had been. I'm not saying she is a cancer sniffing dog....but boy, was she ever tuned in to where the chemo was hooked up. As for there being a difference in one's body odor....I tend to agree that the drugs...the chemo...can have an impact. I also think my sniffer works better now that I don't smoke anymore, too....but sometimes I can detect an unusual scent about myself that I didn't ever notice prior to treatment. Sometimes, it's right after I shower too....so it's like a scent that you can't just "wash away"....it emanates somehow. Don't know if that makes sense. I keep hoping it goes away. It is sorta that scent of Eau de Sickroom...ya know? No amount of Estee seems to completely disguise it, either! When you stop and think, though, about the impact of chemo on our systems....well, it's no real surprise that it could impact one's normal *aroma*. Geez....gotta sign off. I need to go shower. Just talking about this makes me feel icky!

Hi, Di.....and Hi, Alice!! First of all, yes....to be grateful for those in the medical field who take such care to make sure we get "toasted" properly or otherwise are given the best shot at regaining our health....is a must. Being in the company of the folks in radiation was much more a comfort than anything else...as they went out of their way to be kind and to ease any fears. It counted for a lot. Alice....maybe all of us don't have the great genes that our Di has...but still, having a positive attitude helps...and you've got it! As I've mentioned before, I have a crummy immune system...yet I still made it through treatment relatively unscathed. I was a bit nervous about that....fearing I might not do as well as I did...so keep in mind that good genes OR great health (aside from the cancer) or even our age, really doesn't have to matter....as long as we hold on to a positive attitude and the belief that treatment is working for us! Make yourself a little reminder note about the Decadron, Alice!! Seriously....you need to take it as the doc has prescribed it....as you're better off NOT getting the nausea in the first place, than trying to get rid of it once you feel urpy....you know? Even if, for some reason, you don't quite make it all the way thru all of the PCI treatments...if you can get thru most of them I'm sure it will have a good impact. And if it's been helpful for you to come here and hear of other's experiences with the PCI....then I think it's great that Di started this daily journal of her treatments! I'm three weeks out now from finishing PCI...and am no longer nodding off in the middle of the day. Or rarely, anyway! Been getting a lot done for the holidays.....lots of baking, got my tree up, some other decorations put out, and in the last two days have wrapped up and boxed some gifts for mailing to 6 different out of town friends!!! Are my feet hurting a little bit from being ON them so much? Uh.....yes. Yes, they are! Still.....it feels good to feel good. Even if I'm not quite 100%...I don't expect to be. I listen to my body and when I'm tired....I sit down and rest. YOu should do the same! Oh...and for the record, I'm in Connecticut. Was supposed to move to Arizona....but have rethought leaving this area for now. Want to remain close to my oldest son and my medical team for now. Will think about relocating when I've got some good remission time under my belt.\ Meanwhile...I think I might go hang a couple of ornaments on my PCI mask.....about where my ears went. They can be earrings for the mask, eh? You ladies have a good day....you're both on the downhill side of PCI now. And we BELIEVE it will help!!

Sharyn... You and your dad were so fortunate in the special relationship you had. I'm so sorry for his physical loss...but what an amazing thing that you got your sign from him and that you are already feeling peaceful about his passing. I know all your good and happy memories of him will be of great comfort. Know I'm thinking of you and your mom, wishing you peace.

Oh, TAnn....I'm so sorry. Boy....there are some hard things to have to contend with in life...some hard losses. And I know animals are animals and not people...but the unconditional love and sheer joy so many of us get from our pets is so special, that to lose a pet can be as hard a loss as any other. Wow...15 years is a good long life. Godspeed to Caesar....and I hope, once your heart is healed a little from this loss...that maybe you'll consider another little companion. Adopt from a shelter...and you may be saving a life, too! Again....I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is. I have the cremains of four of my furry buddies in my closet. Someday, when I go...they'll go at the foot of my coffin.

Yes. I agree. Same for me, I think. Something to keep in mind, Di....is that I'm starting to understand what Lance Armstrong referred to when he said that nobody teaches us how to BE survivors. In other words....once treatment is over...once we are not doing ANYTHING active (ie: chemo or rad) to stop the cancer.....THEN how do we proceed? This state of being produces a new anxiety, in that we aren't doing anything to keep the cancer at bay....you know? I keep trying to tell myself that I've DONE everything that can be done at this point and must BELIEVE it will be sufficient! And I'm not yet really stewing about my upcoming CT scan in January. But the holidays are sort of keeping my head busy too....so I wonder, once Christmas is over...if I'm going to start getting a bit more anxious? Dunno yet. We'll see, I guess. The whole process of treatment - especially radiation and how precise they are (and have to be! ) - is amazing! And you know....the other day a friend said something to me about "all I've been through" and my attitude being "so amazing" to her. Well...the truth of the matter is, that this woman's hubby had a massive stroke last month. He's in rehab now...and has a ways to go, but I think HIS attitude is what is TRULY amazing! His body has betrayed him. His left side is partially paralyzed. Yet every day he works at rehab, to get better....get stronger. Mentally, it must be SO hard for him knowing what he wants to do....but having to accept that his body cannot yet do it. For me, I went thru treatment and at no time has it felt like my body has betrayed me. Much of my life has remained unchanged....where in my friend's hubby's case....he's got to remain in bed unless someone can help him to move around. If I want a cookie....I can walk to my kitchen and get one! He cannot. THAT, to me.....is a truly amazing spirit and attitude. That someone can suffer a paralyzing stroke and fight their way back with a good attitude! Much harder than anything I've gone thru so far! Perspective....huh? Sometimes it really centers you about just how good/bad off you are....eh? Glad you're halfway done, Di. Hmmm.....would we have to call that being lightly toasted? Guess that sounds better than half baked, huh?

Coming off the high of being told I was NED in October....the past 3 weeks - other than coping with the effects of PCI - have included the death of an old friend (very unexpectedly), the death of the father of a golf friend and another golf friend stricken by a massive stroke while out of state (he's now back here, after regaining enough strength to come home by air ambulance...but he's still in hospital rehab. ) I also had to come to grips with the fact that my youngest, in an effort to keep the girlfriend happy....will be home this Friday but will LEAVE here on Christmas Day to fly back to be with her. Usually our big dinner is on Christmas Day...but this year, I'm having to reshuffle everything. I wouldn't say I'm depressed...but there is something of an "air" of sadness cast over the holidays. My mother died on Christmas Eve l985....so that doesn't help, either. I've been in my kitchen a lot lately...making things to give out as little "gifties from the kitchen". I find it helps offset the less than happy thoughts or feelings. I've had my tree up for a while too....as looking at the Christmas tree always brings lots of warm and good memories and smiles. Like Frank said....all considered I think I'm luckier than most although it's been something of an amazement to me to find just how many friends sort of disappear when the dx is cancer. It's like they are already saying goodbye to you or something! Then again, those that don't disappear...are the ones you know you can count on, eh? No matter what our troubles are....we can always find someone who has it worse, I think. So I try to remember that and forge ahead counting all the blessings I do have and trying not to get too caught up in all the MIA's in my life.....either those who've disappeared or those who have died. Whatever it takes...for those feeling a little blue, I hope you find some way to pull yourself out of it a bit....and smile thru the rest of the holidays. Maybe the slowdown in posts is just because people are busy...eh? Making merry, getting into the spirit of things....decking the halls! I hope so! I always have my moments of reflection and sadness during the holidays....but for the most part, I try to keep positive. In my case....all it takes is a new stuffie toy for my dogs....and the smiles are automatic! When they talk about "kids and Christmas"....let me tell you, the thrill of a new toy isn't any different when your "kid" has four legs, a tail and sheds on your carpet!!

Joyce...I guess it's true enough that cancer can sort of turn life on its ear...and sometimes it does feel like we sort of live "outside" of where others do......those others who don't have cancer in their lives. I know sometimes when I hear people grousing or arguing over what seems (to me) to be rather trivial.....I wonder what they'd do if a serious illness entered their life? Would some of the stuff they complain about now even matter then? I wish you had results on the retinal angiogram by now! Sheesh. More so, I wish the results to be hopeful and good. You're a great caretaker for Steve, even if some of what you need to do feels a bit weird...like reading the menu for him. I'm sure he appreciates the care you take of him...and how you stay on top of whatever is going on. It means a lot to have a strong advocate...and you certainly are one. Hope we get a report from you soon on results...and that they are what we all want to hear.

Peggy....you've got all my best wishes that yes, you are a lousy interpreter of MRIs. Hoping the results are much better than what you think you're seeing. Remember too, that how your hubby is feeling is also important and indicative of how he's doing. We'll be waiting to hear what the doc has to say. Please try to relax till Friday....and I know that's tough....but try, ok? Holding all good thoughts.....

Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss. My sympathies to you and your family.

My sympathies on the loss of your mom, Heather. I'm so sorry.