Addie

My ex-brother in law was the guy who came up with the Pet Rocks.

Couldn't get in today for the MRI until 8:45 tonight. By then, I'm in my jammies, for crying out loud. So....the MRI is tomorrow....but guess what? I saw Doc Reuben today....Coop wasn't available after all...and Reuben says I need to go back on.......... ..........THE EVIL ORAL DECADRON~!!! Worse yet, he's talking 4 mgs EVERY 6 HOURS. As if! Today, I got an infusion instead. And will tomorrow too....but I'm hoping Coop will override the dosage because I cannot take that much. I just can't go thru that Decadron Craziness again. Depending on what the MRI finds....I might need to go in the hospital for several days, Reuben said...especially if it's a bone met and needs radiation. Sheesh. But if I'm hospitalized, at least I can get the Dec by infusion. That and a tray of green jello might make me smile thru the pain. I fell again at the top of the stairs earlier. Skinned my knee on my corduroy pants.

Going in for an MRI of my spine at 1:30, and told Coop I wanted another brain MRI too, to check up on those last two tumors. I had Paul standing by to turn on the jacuzzi for me and to help me in and out of it. He even dried my back for me...the love. It helped ease some stiffness...but it ain't gonna fix anything. Please hold positive thoughts that this hasn't gone to bone? Thanks. Will report in later. May know results by the end of the day.

Yesterday was dose two of Taxotere. It all went fine, although I'd let everyone know that my polymyalgia was flaring big time, and the neuropathy in my left foot was intensifying again. In short, I told them, I felt like crap. The doc was up to his eyeballs yesterday....so the nurse said she'd ask my questions and call me later. Coop wanted to take me off the Marinol and put me on Elavil. I told the nurse I can't take anti-depressants. They depress the $#*T out of me. And actually, my appetite IS a tiny bit better so maybe the Marinol IS working. I figure my tummy has shrunk...so it'll take a few days to stretch it back out again. The nurse and I decided to "stay the course" till I see Cooper on Friday. But let me tell you, after dose two....NOW I've got the neuropathy bilaterally. Just that fast. Got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom...with BOTH legs feeling like tree stumps. Coming back into the bedroom I lost my balance in the dark and fell onto hubby's nightstand, clearing it of clock radio, lamp, water bottle and virtually landing on poor hubbies rudely awakened self. He caught me before I hit the floor too. My leg just gave out~! Trust me....I go nowhere now without a cane and I am NOT waiting till Friday to see Cooper. The middle of my back hurts now too....in the area that was radiated....and I'm gonna insist on a bone scan or MRI as well as another brain MRI to make sure those two remaining brain boogers aren't adding to this balance problem. Sheesh. My gluts are so sore it's hard to sit. Back is sore all the time. Cannot lie down and get comfy anymore....don't have the strength in my legs to stand up for very long. Think I'm gonna pile into the jacuzzi today. Can't hurt...might help. But now I know what they mean by, "sometimes the treament is worse than the disease".

I believe when people die...many times they DO pick their moment to "let go". My mother was just fine when she entered the hospital for her 5 days of chemo, from the nursing home where she'd been for just 5 weeks. There was NO reason to think she was close to death until her 3rd day there. My mother fell into a coma...but waited for me to fly in from CT to OR and then waited one more day till my oldest sis drove up from CA. She died that night, after my sister and I left the hospital after spending hours with her...talking to her, reassuring her we'd watch over her two sisters (neither of my aunts had children...so we three nieces did take care of them.) The date was December 24, 1985. Christmas Eve. In some way, I feel like Mom felt we'd never grieve more than we'd celebrate Christmas and family and being together...and so her "choosing" that date to let go was actually a blessing in ways. Now we celebrate Christmas AND Mom's life on Dec. 24th. It's a time of great reflection for me. My middle sister was sickly for years...and every time an "anniversary" passed....of dad's death, mom's, their anniversary or their birthdays....she would often get sick and end up hospitalized. I had spent 3 months taking care of our mother at her home, prior to putting her in the nursing home and heading back to CT. and for 2.5 of those months, my sister was hospitalized. She avoided dealing with mom's illness by getting good and sick herself. My middle sis died on June 30, 1998. Mother's birthday - July 1st - was the next day. In this case, I was so grateful my sister didn't die on Mom's birthdate....but I never doubted that that was what she was probably "aiming" for. I don't know if this is Karma so much as it's some sort of inner will we all possess, even when very ill....to stay or to let go. I've always believed too, that sometimes a person lingers when they feel they have "unfinished business". As with my mom....I knew she'd worry about her older sisters...so we reassured Mom on that last night, that we'd take care of the aunties. Less than three hours later...she was gone.

I betcha 2998 of those posts were bad jokes. Whaddaya say, Ry? Debi? Post-Bud Lite offerings from Lamb's keyboard?? Seriously, Frank....congrats. You are a faithful and true addition to these boards and an inspiration to boot. Budweiser loves you too!

It all sounds great but for the Decadron. They will have to whack me over the head with a two by four, for me to EVER agree to that crap again. I'm not kidding. Infuse it, shove it in thru my ears, make me a necklace of pills to wear, make it into a powder, tint it pale pink and paint it on my eyelids....I don't care....BUT NEVER AGAIN WILL ORAL DECADRON PASS MY LIPS IF I CAN HELP IT. Entertaining as I must have been while on that $#*t, I kept expecting to turn green and have this big impulse to change my name to Lou Ferigno. I also had Aloxi the last day of chemo while on Topo. I will ask about having in my one day per week of Taxotere. I know it's good stuff too. Never have been prescribed Emend - ?? I take Zofran and an Ativan before bed, every time I have chemo though. Maybe going to the Aloxi would work well enough on my appetite? I am back up to 10 mgs. of prednisone, because most of my polymyalgia symptoms came roaring back when I was off of it AND on the Decadron before. I tell you, I hate that stuff. Bad as I feel now, I was worse on Oral Decadron. It's nasty, nasty stuff...and as you guys well know, I've tolerated virtually all tx, rad and meds very well up until recently...so that's saying something! Time to go soak my foot....or my head...or something. But thanks for the tip, Jen and all the rest of you, for your support. I've got most of my "tude" back....now, if I could just find some energy someplace. "Tude" is nothing without a little energy to back it up, you know!

I hope they say, "She died with hair on her head!" Beyond that, I'm pretty sure the main comments would be that I had a good sense of humor AND was a thoughtful and loyal friend. That I was generous...with my time and creative skills. And I hope that people would feel I'd helped to raise two sons who - although they like beer and I could charge admission for a "Two Man Comedy Act" when they are together with a case of beer and a football game on the tube -are essentially very productive, responsible human beings! Don't know who it was who had this on their tombstone...but I love it as an epitaph: "SEE!! I told you I was sick!!"

Hoping the switch of chemo will turn things back around and work well for your wife! Will be sending those thoughts her way....

So happy to read this report from you, Carleen!! Usually when someone isn't posting too much...we tend to worry things are going wrong... ...but how much nicer is it to think that things are going WELL...and you're just out there enjoying your lives!?? My continued best to you and Keith. I'm so happy to hear that Taxotere seems to work well for him. I just started on it last Monday....and hope it works as well for me! Keep on enjoying your time together as you do. It always makes me smile to read your happy posts and know how much you love your guy. He's a lucky man to be so adored....and I'm sure the feelings are mutual, making you an equally lucky lady! Continued vibes and thoughts for Keith to keep several steps ahead of the cancer, and doing well.

Becky makes a lot of sense, I think. Now ponder this one....I have three auto-immune illnesses. Had all three BEFORE my cancer dx. One might think I hadn't much to fight with...but I've actually done very well over the 17-18 months since my original dx. I have thyroiditis...and take a med for it. I have polymyalgia rheumatica and take prednisone for that. The only thing I cannot treat is the chronic Epstein Barr/chronic fatigue syndrome. Yet most people tell me that if it weren't for my bald head and the fact that they KNOW I have cancer...they'd never think so by how I look and act. So....it shoots a bit of a hole, I think, in the theory that we're left more open to cancer because we don't "test" our immune systems. Mine has been tested....trust me! And actually, I had Graves Disease 32 years ago so there is yet a 4th autoimmune illness!

I haven't been around much lately...just popping in here and there as energy allows. Since I found out my liver tumors were growing again and I needed to change chemos....I've been struggling not only with the unsettled stomach and no appetite again...but...I lost my full grip on my essential Addietude, too. Needed some time to wrap my head around yet another setback...and refind my positive mindset. I have to say, this is honestly the first time I've been troubled much by "side effects" of any of this. I've not been nauseated to the point of getting sick....but still, if y'all know that urpy tummy feeling...it's bad enough. Add a left foot that feels more and more like a tree stump from intensifying neuropathy, continuing sleep issues and a general but fairly pronounced fatigue...and ol' Addie ain't been a ton of fun, lately. Don't trust me on that....ask my poor hubby. He says I'm entitled...bless his heart....but the poor guy is going out trying to find me milkshakes to "eat" for dinner because nothing else much appeals. Anyway....I hope I'm gaining on it. Some days I do have a bit more energy AND optimism...and other days, by the time I shower and clean up....I'm ready for a nap. There are a lot of people struggling FAR more than I am...so this is just an update....not a plea for sympathy. Just wanted you all to know where I've been and why. We're at that time of the week where there is a lot of golf on t.v., so that keeps me distracted and occupied too...along with my knitting and pin making. I have the second dose of Taxotere on Monday...and am really hoping that after that, it will have a positive effect on my gut. If I can shake the mild nausea....then I will refind my appetite, I hope, and stop the weight loss (I'm down about 6-7 lbs). If it appears I need a swift kick in the arse, please feel free to wind up your foot. I know Cindi is gonna do it anyway....and probably Snowflake and Dianne too...so y'all might as well get in on it. I'll be back at the pub soon as I can stomach a drink again....ok?

Funny...I'm not a huge fan of cottage cheese...but have eaten a fair amount of it lately, as it goes down pretty easy on my persistently upset tummy. Your mom and I might be mooing one of these days, eh? Glad to know your mom is doing better. Tell here to keep that positive attitude...as it really does help more than it would ever hurt. Hope she keeps on getting better each day. Keep us posted.

Jen... I'm at the point where I WISH they would scan a bit more often. Seriously. It's harder for me to wait to BE scanned or MRId again, than waiting for the results of same. I feel like they are keeping a close eye on you, which is very good. As you know, Topo stopped working for me. Maybe if they'd scanned me sooner, they'd have caught things before the liver tumors grew all the way back to their orig. size. Be happy they are watching you closely. And of course, know we're vibing you and waiting to hear some happy results.

Oh, Pat dear....I wish I had answers to your questions, but I don't. Brian's onc or one of the nurses might be able to help you answer some of your questions, though, I'd think. This must be so hard...but the fact that Brian gets up every day and cleans up, getting into clothes...IS a very good sign, I think. I wouldn't think he'd even have the energy for that if he was very close to dying...but honey, I don't really know. My heart breaks for you. I can hear the pain and confusion in your words. Maybe put in a call to one of the onc's nurses? I know the nurses at my onc's office have been a source of info and support to me many, many times. Often they know as much about patient reactions as the docs do. Just know that a lot of love and caring comes your way and Brian's too. I just wish and hope that the meds he's on might turn some of this around...and wipe out more of the tumors. Thinking of you every day, Pat...sending my best.

I was either going to be a writer (of children's books) or a graphic artist. In lieu of either of those careers....I think I envisioned myself as housewife and mother...which I turned out to be. I do a lot of crafty stuff and I write...poems, limericks, fun stuff....so I do use the creative juices too. All in all, no regrets about the course my life has taken. Best thing I did was produce our two sons. Great kids. I always figured when I was younger that my life would include a tall, dark, handsome man named David. Well....I didn't marry him....but gave birth to a tall, dark, handsome David instead. Some "dreams" do come true....just in modified form.

Cindi... Results? Got any info yet? We're all pulling for empty-headedness. Please let us know asap.

And y'all just thought that pretty head of hers was just a place to hang hats! An extra hug for your good idea, Miss Ginny!

Dear, dear Beth... I've been in a mini-funk (for me) lately...and haven't posted much...but cannot ignore this update from you. I know you are following your heart these days, with what Bill needs and what is most important....and I think that is wise. I can tell how much you wish he had a bit more fight in him....but you know, this is one of the first things I told my husband not long after my initial diagnosis....that there may well come a time when I've had enough treatment...and choose NOT to have any more. I guess I feel it's a patient's right to make this choice....even though we know how desperately our loved ones might want us to continue to fight on. It takes a lot of strength to stand where you do right now, honey...but you're strong and you're wise...and you'll always do right by your Bill, I know this. I'm thinking of you both...sending my very best wishes and hopes. Just enjoy every minute you can...and I think it's pretty terrific that Bill still gets up and showers and moves around a bit most days.

Tim Considine from Spin and Marty and (I think) The Mickey Mouse Club!

Troy... It would really be helpful if you would post a bio for your mom, like most of us have at the end of our post. Like when she was diagnosed, what type of l.c. she has, treatments she's had and when, etc. It's very difficult to answer this question...because there isn't enough info. But all by itself, two days of brain radiation only should not be causing any symptoms. If she's having the radiation because of brain mets (and not as preventative radiation) then the mets may be causing some of her symptoms. So, too, could chemo. If you'll fill in a bio for your mom it will be very helpful. I just completed 13 days of brain radiation AND I'm undergoing chemo too...so I'm tired and my balance is a bit off...but nobody's told me yet that I'm out in left field. Perhaps a good chat w/ your mom's oncologist will clear up some of your questions?

Personally, I like to b*tch about the power company as I wait on their automated system to report the outage. Then, I really enjoy bashing the helloutta my shin stumbling across the kitchen looking for a flashlight. Ann, glad you're safe and sound and got YOUR power back on!

Oh, Pat honey.... I'm sorry Brian didn't have the strength to really enjoy this wedding trip....but I'm glad he was at least able to make it to the wedding. You, too. I will hope that now that you're home, he might rally a bit...feel a little better, stronger. Do keep us advised as to how he's doing. Know that we all hold you gently in our hearts...hoping for some better news now that you're back home.

I know you both miss Dave in the physical sense...but I bet you he was "there" yesterday, with both of you. Good to hear from you Karen...and all my best to you and Faith.

Joyce... My deepest sympathies and Godspeed to Steve. It sounds as though there was some laughter right up to the end...and then a very peaceful passing. As you retell it, I don't know that it could have been scripted any better. I know the weeks and months ahead will be a hard adjustment...but you're strong, and you'll remain so, being a source of stability for your kids. I genuinely hope you find a way to inject a little Led Zeppelin into Steve's service...as I have a feeling he'll be expecting that. Lean on us whenever you need to...you're an important part of the lchelp family. Again...my sincere condolences.