Lost Friends

[daggiesmom]

This might be a bit off topic, but maybe someone can relate to my problem. Long story short, I'm recovering from SCLC since my diagnosis in April 2002. Thank God, i'm fine up till now. My daughter died suddeny in August 2003.... that's another story. Anyway, I guess i'm posting this because I really wonder about how people behave when someone they know has had so much trouble. Have any of you had people totally disappear? This had happened to my husband. His so called "best friend" totally disappeared, his wife yelled at my husband for at least 1/2 hour on the phone because we changed Thanksgiving Day plans with them in November 2003, three months after our daughter died. We were going to go out to dinner with them on Thanksgiving day and the restaurant we had in mind turned out to be closed that day. I told my husband's "best friend" this and he said he would find another restaurant. Well, he never did, and so we told him that we would go down the street to my friend's mother's house (she has Alzimer's) because it was easier if she has people around her (we also got the impression that the "best friend" didn't care. Well, we went there and ever since that my husband no longer has a "best friend". He tried for weeks to talk to him (we didn't even know we did anything wrong. You gotta remember we're in another land, having just been thru hell, and all, you would think some thing like Thanksgiving Dinner is no big deal. Actually on that day, i wished I was dead...... So now fast forward to today, he still hasn't heard from is "best friend" but he just sent him some DVD's that he had borrowed with a note "wish i knew what to say, i miss you." Has anyone ever gone thru this kind of bull before. Don't people know that enough is enough. Why is life so hard. I didn't set out to hurt anyone's feelings on Thanksgiving 2003, but all of a sudden my husband has no "best friend" which he had for 30 years! What kind of "best friend" is that? Isn't it hard enough to have a wife with SCLC with a life expectancy of maybe 5 years and a daughter who collapses and dies in the shower from eplipesy enough? What is enough? Why do people behave this way. How to I deal with my husband if this "best friend" jerk reappears? Personally, I don't want anything to do with them every again. Sorry, but I just had to rant and rave. i've been thru so much and so has he, you would think people wouldn't put so much importance on a silly go out to dinner thing? Or am I wrong? Please let me know your honest opinion. To me, life is too important to waste on such dopey things. But then again, some people seem to thrive on stupid stuff.

Joanie

[Snowflake]

Sent as PM.

[Snowflake]

Sent as PM.

[tnmynatt]

Joanie,

I suspect they were looking for an excuse not to have to deal with your illness. It is a very emotional thing for people...people don't know what to say, etc. Something similar has been going on with our friends. It is so sad. They will regret it. Life is too short....take care.

[Remembering Dave]

Joanie,

wow, that's pretty bad. I can't even begin to analyze their behavior. Your husband must be pretty hurt and must miss his friend very much, all I can say is try not to worry about them too much. But I know you're mad and your husband is hurt.

we haven't had anything that drastic happen with us, but people do tend to back off. a friend will send me an email and ask how I'm doing and I reply with, well, the facts, then I don't hear from them again. for months and months. I guess people just can't take it. am I supposed to reply and say "just fine" because nothing, frankly, is just fine right now here. not to say it won't be one day, but for now it's a struggle.

Dave has one friend who is actually following through with seeing him, and he's a pretty darn busy gujy, single father, professional musician with full time job. the rest send him emails and say they're going to visit but never do. but no one has totally blown us off.

I will say, I was just telling Dave last night, that his boss is the sweetest, most wonderful kind man in the world. he and his wife like to have little parties - christmas open house, super bowl party, they do ii up big for halloween - and always invite us and we always go, even if we can't stay long. he really cares about dave and I feel secure in that he will do everything to keep dave employed there until he's well and can go back to work. he even signs his emails to us Love, Ed. he really cares and shows it.

I didn't mean to hijack your post, but it is interesting how people act when you have a crisis and you, Joanie, have had way more than your fair share.

hang in there, and try to be understanding of your husband. he is probably grieving the loss of this friend and it's a real grief.

I hope you continue to do well, don't think you have a five year life expectancy. Think that you will beat the odds! You can do it!

Love,

Karen

[shirleyb]

Joanie,

I know this situation all too well. After my husband died, those that I thought would be there for me to help me through, were gone like dust in the wind. I have one friend that has stuck around.

The rest I assume are just too afraid. This struck them hard and they realize it could have easily been them. When you are afraid of something you run from it normally and I assume this to be true. Maybe it isn't but it is the only way I can rationalize it and accept their behavior. In the meantime I have to go on.

I am sorry his "best friend" turned out to not be his best friend. It hurts and there is no way to get around it.

My best to you and your husband.

Shirleyb

[Haylee_38]

With me it was not friends it was family. My mom was from a large family of 12. The youngest two became real nasty with me and my siblings when my mom was sick. They jumped my case about everything and anything and I spent many many night crying myself to sleep. They even went as far as not visiting my mom in her final three months. This broke my moms heart because she loved her sisters so much. Then after my mom passed away she had left alittle something for all her siblings and asked me to give it to them once she passed. My brother gave them each of there items my mom wanted them to have. My mom had left the youngest sister a cameo necklace, braclet , ring all a matching set. She had the nerve to send it back to me with a note saying it was costume junk and she did not want it. Then when my brother Art passed away of a massive heart attack at 46 in July, 04 the two of them had the nerve to go to his service and start in on me and my sister and brother on everything from the food being served to the flowers we picked. I will never understand why but do understand I am better off with people like that not in my life.

Sorry did not mean to ramble on and have such a long reply. I am sorry you are having to deal with this my thoughts are with you. Haylee

[Justakid]

Joanie-

Wow, you have been through a lot. I have had similar experiences with people. Everyone seems to run when there is a serious problem. Maybe people can't face it, maybe they are scared. It's wrong what people do. Maybe until they face it themselves.........

I have (or had) a real close friend, since May I have seen her twice and that was briefly. She knew all the problems I had with treatment and knew about all my hospital stays.....it has been up to me to call her and let her know how I am doing. Now, she stays at home and has two kids.......I work 40+ and have two kids am are the one who is sick! I just gave up, I don't call her anymore, if she is interested in me she will call.

I have kinda become self centered through all this, if others can't handle it.....too bad! It's all about ME feeling good and being at peace with everything....screw everyone (except my family and friends who support me).

I don't understand people either!

[sharyn]

Ah, I feel you pain. My Daddy had a "wonderful" or so we thought friend for many years, golf buddies, gardening buddies etc. His friend got ill about 2 years before Daddy did, leg problems that kept him pretty well confined to the house. Daddy would go at least 3 times a week and bring him out to the garden, he would tell Daddy where to plant his tomatoes, etc. Then Daddy and Mom would bring him lunch etc. Daddy would take him to his doctor visits. When Daddy got ill, he dissappeared. No contact unless Daddy initiated it, and finally about a year ago, Daddy just said, forget it I am not calling anymore. We still don't know what happened, I know it hurt my Dad terribly. When Daddy passed, Mom called him, his wife answered the phone and Mom simply said " John would like Gene to know that he thanks him for being his friend when he needed him the most".... The wife hung up. Mom needed to do this as I think it was her way of speaking on Daddys behalf. I know it hurt Daddy terribly to be discarded by this man... but I always say, what goes around comes around.

[Fay A.]

Joanie,

I am so very sorry that your husband (and you) are going through this.

It's unfortunate, but sometimes when we become friends with someone the roles that define the relationship are really what holds it together. Needs are met (One individual's need to receive attention and someone else's need to do good for another.) But when the roles are reversed the recipient couldn't make the change from supported to supportive. And sometimes the one who is the giver finds they cannot accept the role of recipient. And when it happens feelings are hurt. I'm going through it now, and have been for quite some time. And not just with friends, but family, too. And this is (sadly) not unusual.

[cindi o'h]

Fay A.

Very insightful explanation....best one that I have seen yet. It is not easy to switch around especially when we lose our footing and try so many different foot holdings on the slippery rocks. Our friends and families are trying to catch us too but it gets too tough for them getting all slipped up too. It is not an easy dance.

So sorry, Joanie. Tragedy and tragedy. I did not know about the loss of your daughter. Please accept my sorrowful condence. Cannot imagine.

And to all of us who have had our losses of friends and families; somehow we have gained a new family and friends of a different magnitude...each other, who on some level "get it" (unfortunately).

Cindi o'h

[Remembering Dave]

Fay - as usual, you are so wise with your analysis and explanation. We all just think of friends as just friends - just always there, no matter what, but you're right, every piece of a relationship has a role to play and when the roles get mixed up things can get weird.

And Joanie, I want to say if I didn't already how very sorry I am about your losing your daughter. I don't know what it feels like, but I've watched it very closely in my own family. Within a 1.5 year time frame three of my close first cousins (two who were brother and sister) died, ages 38 to 48. My aunts and uncles will never be the same. I miss them very much, but when I see or talk to my aunts and uncles and see the pain in their eyes and in their voices it's almost unbearable.

Anyway, hang in there.

Love and God Bless,

KC

[cathy]

Joanie,

My mom is going through a very similar situation..My mom and dad were friends with these people for over 60 years, they are my godparents as well..It was about 3 months after dad passed, they were playing cards, someone didnt like what someone else did(yadda yadda) and they havent spoken since (crazy huh)..

My mom has a condo in fla. and so do these people..They see her everyday and still have not said a word..I have a hard time understanding how people can be so cruel to a grieving widow(best friends through the years)..

I only hope when I go down there next week to visit I can tell them how I feel..Shame on them and all the other so called friends that have done this to all of you..Especially to you and your husband Joanie..

[Hebbie]

I have often said that cancer seems to bring out the best and/or the worst in people.....and makes you realize what the term "true friend" really means.

I had three friends whom I considered my "best friends" -- friends going back 10-15 years. Been through weddings, pregnancies, children and divorces with them.

The first (and longest friendship) jumped in with both feet when I was diagnosed. I had chemo on Thursdays and she would be waiting at my house every Thursday, with dinner ready and sit with me until I fell asleep. She came with me to chemo once, so she could truly understand what I was going through. I knew I could count on her through it all.

The second (and person I considered my BEST friend, my true "soul sister") lives in Texas. She was so upset and cried with me on the phone when I was diagnosed.....but for the next 6 months, I only heard from her when I called, which was not often. I was hurt beyond belief. But I valued her friendship too much to let it go, so I finally confronted her about it and she burst into tears and told me she was having a hard time dealing with it....she couldn't bear the thought of what I was going through and felt helpless because she was not here with me. That was the turning point, and our friendship is now stronger than ever.

The third friend (we were bridesmaids in each others weddings) dissapointed me more than anyone. She got ANGRY with my boyfriend for telling her to just treat me like normal (instead of crying every time she called). She took her fears and turned them into anger. She refused to visit me in the hospital after surgery because she didn't want to see him. She called other people to badmouth him, saying that she had been friends with me longer and who was he to get in the way of our friendship..... When I told her I got engaged right before starting chemo, she got annoyed. I tried and tried, but her anger was just too overwhelming. Even though I knew in my heart it was displaced anger, and just her way of expressing her frustration with the situation, I finally had to let it go. I couldn't deal with the negativity while trying to save my life. She has never called me again.

I've heard similar stories repeated here time and time again. And the advice is always to walk away from negative people. It doesn't matter if they are friends or family. Negativity can have NO place in our lives when dealing with cancer. If the people in our lives can't offer compassion, strength or hope.....then they have nothing to offer.

[Andrea]

I am jumping in late here, but I also have found that with my mom's diagnosis we truly found out who cared and who didn't. It was an eye opener actually. Some people really disappointed me. And others surprised me.

I was kind of sad that it took cancer to figure it all out.

[tnmynatt]

This is such an important topic. I think this is something we have all had to deal with. It's really hard trying to figure out what to do. My heart aches for some of our long-term friends that have not been very supportive. At a lose for words.

[betplace]

Before the job I held when I was Dx, I was a waitress at a local Dennys for 3 and a half years. It was 13 months from when I left Dennys till Dx, I went to Dennys for breakfast after my friend Carol spread the word about my cancer. Not ONE of my fellow employees came up to me to say hi, let alone how ya doing or sorry about your luck. It was like I was a leper or something, I was so devastated! My friend Carol later told me they all felt bad for me, but didn't know what to say or how to say it. It got better after that first time, but none of them do more than say hi. It's like they are afraid they will get it if they talk to me. Fortunetly, I am not counting on them as my support system! LOLOL!

[Addie]

You know what? I just flat do NOT accept...."Gee, I don't know what to say" as a reasonable excuse for anything. Then say nothing....but walk up and give the person a hug, dammit!

I've had more local friends disappear on me using that same excuse, and I'm sorry but it don't cut it with me. They can forward me emails and jokes....that seems easy enough for them. But they can't pick up the phone to say, "Hi, how are ya?"???

Guess not. I put together a cyberteam of women that I've "known" for some four years thru another message board. 14 women. I've actually met only 4 of them in real life....but man, did they come through for me. Support, love, caring, cards, email, gifties (totally unexpected) and even a sterling silver charm bracelet to which they all contributed a charm or more. Unbelievable.

But the women here whom I've played golf with, exchanged gifts with over the years for birthdays and Christmas....women whose hands I held while they underwent radiation for breast calcifications....women to whom I sent anniversary cards, or cooked meals when they were sick....nada, zip, nothing. Unless they "run into me" at the club which makes it easy to say, "Hey, how are you?"

It's really telling....as a couple others have mentioned.....that you find out who your real friends are when something like this happens. And there have been some, locally....don't get me wrong...who've been great! But FAR more than those who have stepped up to remain my friend......are those who have not.

I mean, what the hell do they think? Because I'm bald and had chemo I don't go to lunch anymore? Or use the telephone? Or receive mail?

Sheesh.

You know how your mother always used to say, "Set the example for the behavior you want"? Well....it doesn't always work. Just get cancer and find out how much our own efforts will "pay off" with "friends" willing to be thoughtful on your behalf. Sadly......not many.

But I'll say again, not knowing what to say is a crock and a cop out for most people. Just say this....."Gee, it's good to see you!" or "How are you?" or even just say, "Come here and give me a hug!"

How tough is any of that?

[ginnyde]

I have had the same next door neighbors for over 18 years. The wife had told me once that her husband had trouble dealing with sick people but that she was fine with it.

I played MahJongg every other week with this woman for 10 years. We had dinner at their house and they at ours very often. Were they are best friends - no, but the type of friends included for weddings, big parties etc.

Well Earl gets lc. I hear from her maybe 4 times the first year - a 'hi how is Earl' call. Didn't offer any help, but I didn't expect that really. After year 1, the calls stopped. Earl dies. I am on the deck going over the memorial service with friends and they walk over to offer their sympathy.

They were there for 3, yes 3, minutes when she says Oh I left the oven on. I think he must have given her a killer look, because they stayed another 3 minutes when she repeated that the oven was on.

That has been my last contact with them other than waving in they drive by. She works at the polls and when I went to vote as I got close to the table to sign in, she got up and went to the ladies room.

The good news is that my other neighbors are wonderful, kind, supportive people. The other good news is that they did send a contribution to this site in memory of Earl.

P.S. There is a guy where I work that went up to another woman in the office and asked her what to say to me when I came back to work. I think that was so sweet. He wanted to express his sympathy to me, didn't know how, but found out.

[Anais]

Some people I thought were my friends avoided me when they found out my mother had the disease, like if they didn't want to enter in my family problems.... I remember telling a friend by e-mail my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he replied : '' .... '' and we never spoke again.