Treebywater Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 *sigh* I'm usually so up and functional (though it mightn't seem like it... because when I feel whiny I whine here), but today I've hit a very large speed bump or something... And it's NOT a good day for it. My Mom's sister is coming in for ten days today. She'll be staying here. I'm trying to get the house in order and figure out meal plans. Carolyn and I just got back from Kansas last night which amounted to essentially 4 days of 5-7 hours of driving (2 of those were with my Brother in Law and his wife), and a day and a half of socializing with my husband's family. I'm worn out from that and trying so hard to catch up. My aunt will be here for ten days, Mom's brother and his wife will also be here this weekend, and at the end of July my Mom's other 3 brothers are headed here... I am SO GLAD for Mom that they are coming, but it's stressful to have to play hostess on top of everything else. I'm so scared about Mom right now. She just seems to get worse and worse and never better. I'm still looking around for those 'good days' for Mom Maybe I am just missing them because they look so different now. And we ARE taking as much joy in the days we're given regardless of their hardness, but Mom is in so much pain and having so much nausea and each day she is weaker than she was the day before. She can barely make it to the bathroom right now, and certaily COULDN'T make it without help. We NEED this new drug to work. (The doc is working on the pain thing... We just haven't found the ticket yet). She had to have a blood transfusion yesterday because her counts were again really low. That took all night and Carolyn and I were there late into the evening. I found out that Mom isn't liking or able to eat a lot of the food I've been preparing, so I have to switch gears there (I have to admit I don't like cooking much, and I especially don't like cooking dishes I don't like, so I'm having trouble adjusting). That makes me feel just awful. She needs to eat, and I'm fixing stuff she isn't liking. I think I have a pretty good list of other ideas to work from. Just have to get the recipes together (can't wait to get the LCSC cookbook!). But for a second there I just felt crushed. It was an irrational reaction, I know... But that's an example of what I'm like today. We haven't gotten word about whether or not the ok has been given for her to start the Perifosine... We thought we'd get that yesterday... Nothing. Nothing today either. I just feel so sad today, and angry at the situation and stifled by everything happening all at once with me not being in a decent headspace. And I'm scared too. Mom is planning her funeral. Down to telling us specifics, and planning to talk to folks about doing certain things. I tell her, just because we're making these plans doesn't mean you need to be using them anytime soon, but... I'm afraid we will be using them sooner than I want. I know it is good to get it done, and important for her to feel settled about it, but it is very hard. And on top of that, I just miss my husband so much it's hard to breathe. What I wouldn't give for just a few seconds of one of his hugs... So anyway... I'm sorry to vent and be downy again here today, and I do assure you all most days I am very functional and keep the junk in my head to a minimum, but I think I'm just tired and it's all starting to catch up with me a bit. Thank you for letting me vent. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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