Treebywater Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 *sigh* I'm usually so up and functional (though it mightn't seem like it... because when I feel whiny I whine here), but today I've hit a very large speed bump or something... And it's NOT a good day for it. My Mom's sister is coming in for ten days today. She'll be staying here. I'm trying to get the house in order and figure out meal plans. Carolyn and I just got back from Kansas last night which amounted to essentially 4 days of 5-7 hours of driving (2 of those were with my Brother in Law and his wife), and a day and a half of socializing with my husband's family. I'm worn out from that and trying so hard to catch up. My aunt will be here for ten days, Mom's brother and his wife will also be here this weekend, and at the end of July my Mom's other 3 brothers are headed here... I am SO GLAD for Mom that they are coming, but it's stressful to have to play hostess on top of everything else. I'm so scared about Mom right now. She just seems to get worse and worse and never better. I'm still looking around for those 'good days' for Mom Maybe I am just missing them because they look so different now. And we ARE taking as much joy in the days we're given regardless of their hardness, but Mom is in so much pain and having so much nausea and each day she is weaker than she was the day before. She can barely make it to the bathroom right now, and certaily COULDN'T make it without help. We NEED this new drug to work. (The doc is working on the pain thing... We just haven't found the ticket yet). She had to have a blood transfusion yesterday because her counts were again really low. That took all night and Carolyn and I were there late into the evening. I found out that Mom isn't liking or able to eat a lot of the food I've been preparing, so I have to switch gears there (I have to admit I don't like cooking much, and I especially don't like cooking dishes I don't like, so I'm having trouble adjusting). That makes me feel just awful. She needs to eat, and I'm fixing stuff she isn't liking. I think I have a pretty good list of other ideas to work from. Just have to get the recipes together (can't wait to get the LCSC cookbook!). But for a second there I just felt crushed. It was an irrational reaction, I know... But that's an example of what I'm like today. We haven't gotten word about whether or not the ok has been given for her to start the Perifosine... We thought we'd get that yesterday... Nothing. Nothing today either. I just feel so sad today, and angry at the situation and stifled by everything happening all at once with me not being in a decent headspace. And I'm scared too. Mom is planning her funeral. Down to telling us specifics, and planning to talk to folks about doing certain things. I tell her, just because we're making these plans doesn't mean you need to be using them anytime soon, but... I'm afraid we will be using them sooner than I want. I know it is good to get it done, and important for her to feel settled about it, but it is very hard. And on top of that, I just miss my husband so much it's hard to breathe. What I wouldn't give for just a few seconds of one of his hugs... So anyway... I'm sorry to vent and be downy again here today, and I do assure you all most days I am very functional and keep the junk in my head to a minimum, but I think I'm just tired and it's all starting to catch up with me a bit. Thank you for letting me vent. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Val, It breaks my heart to know how all of this must make you feel. Honey, we are so sorry. I am a pretty good cook and I only wish I could bring a couple of dinners over for you to have on hand............................when all else fails, Bri will always eat 'real' mashed potato w/ cheese and sour cream beat in to them................. or some 'fluffy' scrambled eggs with cheese. Another thing that always hits him well is pancakes. He even likes them cold w/ a bit of jelly that way he can eat part of it or all of it as he wants. He will eat cantelope if I just have it all cut up in the fridge. (I hate doing it, but it is worth it when I see him grab a bite.) You are being a wonderful mom, daughter and family member..............we respect your kindness and we send lots of love and support. Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Val, Junk allowed here. Remember we are a 'support' community. It is a given that this is a bumpy ride this darn lc, good days, bad days and in-between days. And don't be shy. Ask all this company for help. You can't do it all, remember, you can't do it all. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett. May it be a bright and happy day for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Val, no need to apologize for venting. That is one of the things we all do here. I am not a cook, so I didn't have the guilt of preparing food for Lucie that she did not like. What I did do was bring her when she was hospitalized things like Smoothies and Frosties, which have a lot of calories and tasted good to her. I really believed it helped her. It helped her spirits also. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharlieD Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Val, Sorry to hear your mother is having such a hard time. I can tell you from experience that getting the Alimta out of your system and getting rid of the side effects takes a long time. After six Alimta treatments, I still have SOB and extreme fatigue and it has been over a month since my last treatment. Before I started it in Feb, I was jogging two miles a day and in great shape. I would say to give your Mother time to get the stuff out of her system. I know that I'm also running out of patience and trying my best to hurry it by doing more exercise than I probably should but I guess it's time to chill out and give the body time to recuperate. Good luck with it and God Bless. CharlieD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Oh Val, I do so hurt for you. Sooooooo glad you feel you can come here for unloading, support, comfort, and friends who do understand. You have a platter overflowing and doing a pretty darn good job of keeping it all on!!!! I can certainly see that all this company - on top of thinking you were doing good by what you were cooking and finding otherwise - can certainly take its toll. We are here always. We support you and I will be praying for some better days for your Mother. With as much love and support as can be sent via cyberspace! Kasey PS: about you missing your hubby's hugs! AND that precious baby face STILL makes me smie! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 I agree wholeheartedly with Ginny: "And don't be shy. Ask all this company for help. You can't do it all, remember, you can't do it all." Maybe you can come up with some kind of schedule that puts different people in charge of cooking on certain days, and let everyone know what your mom can/can't eat. There is no way I'd go to stay with someone for that long and not expect to do my share of the work. The visitors can be a really good thing or a really awful thing, depending on who is willing to dig in and help out. You'll wear yourself out trying to take care of everyone in addition to the stresses you are putting up with already. Another trick -- when you think you've had 'enuf, just take a powder. Go somewhere for a few hours. Leave some food fixed for your mom, and leave the others on their own for a few hours. I guarantee they will figure out how to get something to eat! Take care of yourself, ok? (You can also send me that sweet baby while you have a house full of people, but something tells me you'd eventually want her back!) Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 We all have those days...we've all been there. I don't have any great suggestions except to ask her what she feels like eating. I hope the relatives all pitch in and if not, just ask or assign jobs...I hope all goes well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 Well... I really messed up today. It just all built, and I thought things were better after I talked to DH on the phone (he is in port for a few days), and then I was asking mom what she WOULD eat... and she wouldn't give me any answers except to elaborate that she was so tired of all the same types of foods.... and I just burst into tears and started yelling (not at Mom) about how I couldn't get anything right... and how all I wanted was a shower (finally got one just now), and how I don't know WHAT to cook because I don't know HOW to cook that many things and how I was trying so hard to always have a veggie and a bread and a main dish and that's why there were so many rolls, and on and on and on... And while it wasn't at Mom, it was 'near' Mom... And I know she will feel so badly about that now, and she really won't tell me when she doesn't like something.... I couldn't stop crying... And there's nowhere to go. I need to 'take a powder' now, but I can't. My aunt will be here any minute. Thank God Mom's friend is bringing something over tonight for dinner so I'm off the hook there. I feel so bad. I KNOW I need to not take things out on her and I really wasn't TRYING to... It just all came out at the wrong moment and with the wrong person... I just feel awful. Now Carolyn is fussing... Who wants to babysit? *Sigh* Ugh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Val, You have to know that you can't do all that by yourself. You had your hands full before anticipating the arrival of the relatives. Let them know how overwhelmed you are. Ask for their help. Turn the situation into your advantage. I'm so sorry you are so worried about your mom right now. I can relate because I'm worried about my hubby right now also. I can tell you that I would tell the relatives "I'm so glad you are coming, I sure could use your help here." .. One day at a time Val. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Love and Prayers, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Val honey, Please take a step back a minute. Take deep breaths and let them out slowly. Do this 10 times. You will feel better. You really have to get organized. Make a list of what has to be done and go from there. Relatives... they will help..when they ask if you need help say...H-ll yes!! I am sure many of them know how to cook. You can turn this into an advantage. I really think you will feel better when company comes. You can always sneak away then and have some badly needed Val time. You are feeling helpless right now, but it will get better, there is always tomorrow. Just look in Carolyns eyes and see how much she loves you. And the sound of a babys laugh is so precious... We are always here to listen to you vent.... Vent away. But things will get better. Thats the balance, for every up a down, for every down an up. Be good to yourself young lady... Take advantage of company, make time for yourself. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancy c Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Val, dear, I know how you feel. Your mother probably ready isn't hungry--and it's hard for us caregivers to realize it. I found myself pushing food and my dear husband was so sick--it make him very nervous and anxious beacuse we were all trying to get him to eat. Somedays he just lived on boost drinks, milk shakes and pudding. And that is ok. Keep on that Dr's butt--your mother should not be in pain!! He should come up with a recipe to keep her out of pain. My husband ended up on a morphine pump. I did not want him uncomfortable-he only had it 2 weeks beforehe died. I cry sometimes thinking about the 2 weeks before the pump and how he struggled to be comfortable. You are completely stressed out and it is so hard to not really stop the disease from making your mother ill. It is a helpless feeling. Go ahead and cry, scream and kick. But--do please take some time for yourself and get your rest, spend time with your baby and keep in touch with your husband(letters,phone,email,whatever!), and take care of your body. You need sleep, food, and love. Now--for the relatives---you do not have to entertain! They are all adults and can find and feed themselves. You worry about you and your baby, and of course Mom. You are a saint and can't be pulled at both ends without you suffering--your beautiful baby needs you. Honey, you take care of you. Your mother may very well feel her body changing. She may very well feel like the end could be near. My husband told me three weeks before he died --that he was dying. I also told him he wasn't and he was just ill; and needed to get better. Just give her love. She knows how much you care. God bless you, Nancy C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 More hugs coming, Val. Ease up on yourself. You are doing great. Maybe your mom just is so sad that food doesn't look good to her right now, that she is blaming the 'food' instead of the disease........... I am so sorry for your tears, honey. Holding you closely in prayer. Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I don't think you messed up. you're so strong and so committed to your mom. everyone needs a meltdown now and again. Pat's observation sounds right to me - it's the disease that has BOTH of you unhappy, I've learned from my own reactions to things lately that it's natural to focus it on something else. I would babysit in a heartbeat...otherwise, I am sending you positive vibes and strength. and prayers. xoxo amie PS. I would have had the SAME reaction, by the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Val, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time of things right now. You're such a great, dedicated daughter and your mom is so very lucky to have you in her life! It sounds like you're definitely a perfectionist...always wanting to get things exactly right! Well, hun, now is the time to let part of those feelings fly right out the window. Do what you can to please your mom and I know she will be thrilled. Mom's have a way of always thinking things their children do for them are perfect anyway. She may not feel like showing that right now but I'm sure everything you are doing for her is completely wonderful. As for the company...ask for help. Often people want to help but just are not sure what to do. There comes a time (and it sounds like you're there) that you have to realize you can't handle everything alone. You have a really full plate right now, so don't think any less of yourself if you have to ask for help. As for Carolyn...she's such a precious blessing! I would love to baby sit that little darling!!! Think I can do that via the internet???? I'm saying lots of prayers for you and your mom!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Val I am so sorry you are going through a rough time---You certainly have your hands full and it is normal to snap with all you have going on in your life. I know your Mother knows you love her with your whole heart and you are doing your best. You do not have to be perfect, and I think you are doing great with all you have going. Hopefully your Aunt may be able to pitch in and give you a break one day. If you can afford it, go for a massage, manicure and pedicure. That should relieve some of the stress if you take a "ME" day. p.s. If you can send that darling baby to New York, I will babysit any time regards Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Sorry you are going through a rough time. Just want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Val, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It is overwhelming I know. Dads food likes and dislikes changed drastically the last couple months of his life.. things he use to ADORE, he couldn't eat.... and Mom would get so frustrated. He ate ALOT of eggs, that always seemed to be a big preference along with mashed potatoes and some ice cream.... I wonder if the tastebuds change during the illness? If she made him a sandwich, he would take the bread off????? I don't have any answers, just know that what your Mom is experiencing seems to be the norm. You are such a good and loving daughter to her, don't beat yourself up.... God will give you the strength to get through this. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terriep Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 ((((Val)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 You guys are so fabulous.... I'm in a semblance of normal headspace again... All of your words helped so very much. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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