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Scared...


Treebywater

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I know things are heavy here, and I don't want to add to the heaviness but I've been thinkative about this and need to express....

At times I'm finally starting to FEEL losing Mom. And it hurts. Bad.

And I'm in the midst of these gift-weeks with Andy...

but when these weeks are up, he will be gone *out there.*

And I won't have my husband *OR* my Mom. I'm not sure what I'll do. When Andy was in Basic Training and we went through our first separation, I went and watched West Wing with her every Wednesday and she had me sleep over at their house on special days and we didn't necessarily sit around talking about it, but she took care of me.

Now that Mom is gone, Andy lets me cry, and lets me eat too much ice cream, and watches sunsets with me and takes care of me...

And in a few weeks they'll both be unreachable. Mom will be all the way gone, and Andy won't be all the way gone but he'll be in a scary place where I can't get to him.

And I've been so strong up til now with all of this, but there was something to DO then.... There was a cause. There was an adversary to fight. There will be things to do still, but far less. I can feel the void seeping in already.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this without either of them. And I'm scared.

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Dearest Val,

Sweetie, you can and will get through this. I know what happened with your mom is permanent and it hurts. A mom is so special and you always think of she will always be there. Now she's not, it hurts like h-ll at times. You miss her presence and sharing those special moments with her. In your heart all those wonderful memeories,like being with her during West Wing, they and she will always live on inside of you. In that special place where moms are. In our heart of hearts.

Your husband Andy is also your strength and perhaps more now and he is leaving. Scarey, yes definetely, but Val, you are an extremely strong young lady. You have been through so much and you are remarkable. You have withstood so many obsticles and you came out a winner. A stronger person.

Please believe me when I tell you, you will endure this and when your husband comes home it will be permanent and will be a whole family again. It will happen before you know it.

Concentrate on your blog site, write you feelings down there. As getting that out in the open and down on paper really helps the soul.

Keep adding pictures of your beautiful Caroline to her website. That is so priceless. Watching her grow and learning new things. And her expressions when she sees things for the first time. So many wonderful discoveries and challenges for her. . You can capture all this with a digital camera. Always take it with you to caputure those precious moments so you can share them with Andy. Add the pitures to Carolines blog, and with those special ones, write a little someting about it.

Those are going to be the things that will keep you busy. The time will fly, trust me. Time moves so fast. In your case that will be a blessing. I feel you are so lucky, to have a wonderful caring husband and a new baby who you can snuggle up in your arms and smell that wonderful baby fragrance. I miss that so much!!

Enjoy Caroline as she is a blossoming rose. Take lots of videos. These are things that are important. Things that Andy will not be there to witness. But you will be able to share and relive those moments with him when it watches it for the first time. PRICELESS!!

So Val, please take care. And also know a good cry is sometimes the best medicine, your mom told you that.

BTW- I see you lit a candle for your mom on the Light a candle forum, the seniments your wrote about your mom was beautiful. See seemed like a wonderful person.

Thanking of you, young lady. You will be just fine. :wink:

Maryanne

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Dear Val,

I feel your pain. My mom and I spent so much time together, talking, laughing and loving. She nurtured me like no one else. When she passed away I felt lost...as if out to sea. I felt so very alone. I didn't know who was going to take care of me, who was going to help guide me in my daughter's upbringing. I too have a wonderful husband, but I still felt so lost. It has been 16 months and just now am I starting to feel like I can do it. I truly believe I had to take one day at a time. You have support through all of us here, so reach out. I know no one can take the place of our beloved mothers, but it helps to no that people do care.

PM if you ever want to chat. Take care.

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Dear Val,

You're post touched my heart and made me cry. I can almost feel where you are. I lost my husband when he was 29 yrs old and I was 28. What saw me through that loss were my 2 children. I had a 6 yr old and an 8 month old. As much as I wanted to just sit and cry and just sink through the floor I couldnt. I had to be strong for those boys and I had to change those diapers, make those meals etc etc.

Yes, I had a very large family but at that time they were all living in Florida and I was living in Massachusetts. I felt alone but not really... I had the wonderful love of my sons and you have that beautiful Daughter to keep on keeping on and time will heal you're wounds. I am still healing a yr and 2 months after the loss of my Brother yet I am stronger today than yesterday and will be stronger tommorow. You will be too!!

You're Mom loves you as you do her and is in a perfect place where there is no pain, no sickness and no time. She will eternally live there and some day you will live there with her. You have a wonderful Husband and many blessings. Look toward the day when you are all together and a family again living together day to day. You have these wonderful things to look forward to. Take those pictures, work on that blog, write letters and time will somehow be past and you will have you're loving husbands arms around you again and this time there wont be having to let him go again.

I'm sorry I have really gone on and on but you're post touched me so deep. Please PM me if you want to chat or if there is anything I can do to lift those spirits and put a smile on that face of yours!!

God Bless you all,

Jane

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Dear Val,

Your message brought tears to my eyes. But the first thing I thought was, she will make it because she has that beautiful baby girl. A mothers love is so strong and you had such a wonderful example. You will be strong for your daughter. She will bring you joy everyday. Time will pass quickly as it always does when raising a baby and your hubby will be home soon. You will be amazed at your strength.

You are in my prayers,

Denise

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Val, I know how hard this all is for you right now. This is such a lot of pain for a beautiful young woman to handle. Remember that your Mom is always going to be there for you. I remember losing my mom and having these same feelings. Finally, I came to realize that I had not "lost" my mother. Instead, she had become a part of me that lived inside my heart. As I grew older, this became even more beliveable, as I found myself saying and doing so many things just the way she would have done. I now feel like my mother is with me every day, offering me the love she always gave. You now have that lovely little Carolyn and you will become to her the strength that your mom was for you. I know you will miss your husband deeply but before you know it, your family will be reunited and life will be happy! I know that you will have a lot of voids to fill in your life. You know, I'll bet there are a lot of grandmothers in your area that rarely get to see their grandchildren. What a smile little Carolyn would bring to their faces! Maybe you should start a group, in memory of your Mom. This could be mothers, like yourself, that take their little ones to visit a lonely grandmother!

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Val,

Thanks for expressing your feelings. I feel a real sense of kinship as your post mirrors my own thoughts, feelings and fears (in many ways) nearly three months after Mom died.

I'm so happy that you are surrounded by people who love and care about you - I feel that this will help bring about the peace of mind you deserve in time.

There will be ups and downs along the path of grief. Just when we think it will overwhelm us, we dig deep and find a way to go on. I know you have that strength and that you'll be the richer for the experience.

Kel

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It's weird, but as scared as you get at times, I promise you that you will continue to surprise yourself.

You will grieve in your own way, you will do what must be done and I promise you that there will be joy in your life again. Maybe just little bits at first, or maybe just simply in the smile or giggle of your child, but it will come. And along with it will come strength.

We are all here for you. Lean on us.

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Dear Val,

My mother use to always make me feel better just by giving me a (((((((VAL))))))))). Once a mom, always a mom!! :wink:

Sweetie, my heart goes out to you, and you know when ever you need an ear, we're only a click away. I'm only sorry we can't be right nextdoor to you!

I have no words that will make you feel better. Only sending you lots of TLC and SUPPORTIVE HUGS ((((VAL))))

I know you'll be okay, and one day you'll look back and say, HOW DID I DO THAT??? You'll see!

Love & Hugs,

Connie

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Hugs to you Val! You have shown you are a strong woman and you know what it is okay to break down at times and feel scared but knowing the little that I know about you, you will rebound and be a wonderful mother to Carolyn and pass the love on that your mom shared with you!

P.S. We all love ice cream (I didn't know there was such a thing as eating to much of it :shock: )

Heidi

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