Just when I think I have made it

[lilyjohn]

I can't believe that I'm here doing this again but I am. I just want to be normal and do normal things but sometimes I think my life was never meant to be normal..

I got off work at 1 pm today and thought that instead of resting I would do some long needed cleaning. I came in and had a quick sandwich then gave Misty her bath. I've been gone so much I hadn't even changed my perpetual calendar from November. I changed that and decided to put some music on while I vacumed and cleaned some in my closet. I guess that was my mistake.

Music has always been so much a part of my life. I grew up on country music. We used to get together at my brother's house and he would play the guitar and we would sing. Sometimes he would have friends over and it would be a real jam session. In fact that is how I met Johnny all of those years ago.Forty seven years ago in just a little less than a month.

As much as I love the music I just can't listen to it any more other than in my car. Everytime I try I end up a basket case. Maybe it is because music was so much a part of mine and Johnny's life when we met and fell in love. Maybe it is because of the songs he sang and my knowing the terrible loss the music world suffered because he never followed through on his talent. Or maybe it is just because they all seem to speak to my heartbreak. Whatever the reason I just can't do it. The memories hit me and all I can do is set and cry.

I just feel so damn cheated There are so many things that we never had a chance to do. I am so gratefull for the signs that I get that I know tells me he is with me but damn it I want more. I want him to snuggle me and make love to me. I want to see that light in his eyes and hear him laugh and hear his voice singing those songs. I want to greet him when he gets home from work and go walking on the beach or wonder at the beauty of the child that our love created. I want all of the things that we just never had the chance for.

I remember the first time that I went to visit him after so many years. God can you imagine what it was to see him walking toward me? He liked to take naps and I never did because I just couldn't relax but I lay with him just to be close to him. He would ask me to snuggle his back and while he slept I would just lay there and ache with love for him as he slept. He always did that to me. I could just look at him and get the sweetest ache inside of me. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I love him so much that it hurt and I still do.

Three years ago on New Years Eve it was just a couple of days less than a month sense his death and I decided that I should put a few of his things away. So I took them from where I had put them when I got home that terrible day that he died and started to pack them away. Nothing big just his watch and his teeth and his brush and mirror. It took me hours to do that because I held each peace and sat in the floor and cryed. I was never so alone in my life.

I was supposed to go to his son's house that night. They had invited me over to see the New Year in. I really didn't feel like going but I felt the need to be with someone else close to him. When I got there his son told me that he had picked up Johnny's ashes that day. I had been so upset because he had been alone in that place through Christmas. I understood that his son had been busy but I thought just a minute to get his dad shouldn't have been too much to ask for.

I went into the house and looked for Johnny but I couldn't see him anywhere. His son had told me that he had left him on the table so I could have some time alone with him. I hadn't been with him again after I had to leave him alone there in ICU after he died. The children were running back and forth and I couldn't see him. I was looking at the table and then it hit me. There was a gift bag setting on the table when I saw it I knew. Oh God how it hurt, I was in so much pain and so angry. How could they show him so little respect?

I tried to talk to him and say the things I needed to but we were never really alone and I was so angry. I made an excuse about the drunk drivers out late and left for home early. I don't know how I made it home. I just remember wanting to run as fast as I could to try and out run the pain inside of me. I was hysterical and just when I pulled into the parking lot at our apartment "I Believe" came on the radio. I was instantly calm. I felt as if that song was being played for me to tell me that Johnny was still with me. I had never heard it before that night.

It has been three years and the pain runs just as deep as it did then. I still want to run from it but there is nowhere to go. Will I never be able to do anything normal again? I thought I had come so far but now I am right back to those first days after the world ended for me.

[Kasey]

Oh (((Lillian))),

My hope is that 2006 will be much kinder and gentler to you.

Many warm and tender hugs to you,

Kasey

[lilyjohn]

There is just one more thing that I want to say. Never intefer with two people who love eachother. No matter if you or everyone else thinks it is wrong. When two people love eachother and they are seperated by other peoples prying so much harm is done. It is just so easy to rob someone of a life time of love and happiness. Even if you are right and it doesn't work out everyone deserves a chance. It is so easy to say how much we regret the things we did but we get over them. It is the things that we didn't do and didn't have that break your heart for a life time.

[Snowflake]

Lillian,

Sometimes, life just sucks. Bad things happen to good people. It's not fair. Many things about it aren't fair, but it's the only one we have.

You DID have Johnny for a while. You DID find each other again. He didn't just die alone, he had some happiness after a less than perfect life.

If you had known how it would end, would you have traveled to meet him? Would you have changed any of THAT? You could have missed those precious few months, would you change it to save yourself this pain?

I think, Lillian, that you need to get through your current stage of grief before it turns you totally inside out. Can you talk to someone about coping skills? Can you join a bereavement group? Lillian, can you do something to help yourself out of the rut you are in? shampoo-rinse-repeat You NEED to take care of yourself, Lillian. You need to get through the months to your birthday so you can begin collecting your Social Security (be sure you get the paperwork in so you get your check as soon as possible), find a temporary duct tape fix if you can and then deal with the inner issues you have warring in your heart.

Lillian, be kind to yourself. You are an important person, you have worth, treat yourself as if you matter, you DO!

What could have been is beyond your control. You can't change your past, you can shape your future. Take control of your life again, Lillian. Stop the free fall. The longer you fall, the harder the impact.

Take care,

Becky

[Connie B]

Dear Lillian,

Again, I stress the point that you need to talk to a professional that can really help you to help yourself. I'm really not sure LCSC has the real support and know how, you are needing at this time.

So many people here that are so young that don't feel they deserve to have lung cancer either or the cards they were dealt. Hell, I'm not happy about the cards I was dealt, with the loss of my mom, dad, sister, my SON, my wonderful friends, and then me having LC and Heart problems.

I think of all the young folks that have lost there lives here leaving behind small children and a spouse. I'm sure they are feeling very cheated as well. I know that someone somewhere has it worse then I do.

Lillian, I know my life is not picture perfect either, but I could choose to carry on about my pain, or cry about my pain or do something about my pain. I chose to DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY HEARTACHE AND PAIN. All I did when I was in the funk was pull other people down with me, and that's not nice to do. I hope you too will decide to DO SOMETHING and I hope you will really go and get some professional help. ((((((LILLIAN))))) You spend 90% of your time here at LCSC in the Greif Forum. That's NOT HEALTHY! Please I pray you look into getting into a grief support group.

I totally agree with Snowflake.

[cindi o'h]

"Jesus wept"

Cindi o'h

[carolhg]

I pray that you receive tranquility and strength. May God Bless you.

[Jyoung20]

Dear Lillian,

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do. Please know I am praying for you.

GOD BLESS!!

Jamie

[eppie]

Lillian,

I do so much wish you lived near me. I would give you the biggest hug.

Much love,

Eppie

[Donna]

Lillian,

I am so very sorry for your loss and your heart aches..

Donna

[J.C.]

Lillian,

Just read your post and will pray that you find peace and wholeness.

Dear Lord, let me drink from

You so deeply that I, too, may share

The peace, beauty, and contentment

that others have found there.

Let me, too, stand on Your highest mountaintop

So your love engulfs me, so lost I am not.

Let me drink from Your never-ending well of healings waters and hold my head high,

Making me whole and at peace, no long questioning or asking why.

Just fill me with Your goodness that I, too, may be refreshed anew

By letting me find the wonderment of receiving and accepting You.

(Jane Cook)

love

Jackie

[lilyjohn]

Im so sorry that I am late responding to all of you. I had my overnight job last night and just got home not long ago.

I want to say thank you to all of you who have responded. Becky you always have a good level head and good advice. Connie I know what you said is true and I have thought about it but like I said before every minute of my time is taken up just keeping a roof over my head. There is nothing in this small town where I live except the post office, church and a bar. I certainly want to appologize if I have brought anyone down. I'm afraid that I jumped the gun making this post. By the time I got it posted I was already picking myself up again.

As I said in another post I have decided to start keeping my jounal again. That helped me before and I know it will help me again to get things off of my chest.

The holidays really got me down. I have to admit that missing my children and grandchildren hurts as much as missing Johnny. I missed my granddaughter's wedding too and that didn't set well with me. To top it all off the two people who I have turned to when things got bad and I have not been in touch as much. Mostly because of my work schedule but also because of the holidays and Pam is still realling from her mom's recent death. Add to that that my work has kept me from church and I think you can get the picture.

Snowflake you are so right. Johnny and I didn't have much time together but the time we did have was the happiest in my life despite his illness. To answer your question I have to tell you that once I let thoughts of Johnny back into my life there is no way I could have not gone to him even had I known how little time there would be. After reading your reply I started thinking of a very special evening we shared.

One night we were just sharing a quiet evening. Johnny was watching television and I was working on a quilt for my granddaughter. I noticed him looking at me. He shook his head and I asked what was the matter. He replied " I was just setting here thinking how perfect this is with us setting here and you working on your sewing. I never knew it could be so good. This is the best that it gets. I have everything that I always wanted." Just those words make everything I have been through worth while. I know too that Johnny would want me to have a good life. I have to go on not only for myself and my family but for him as well.

So I made a decision about something that has been really weighing me down. My sons keep after me to move back to Louisian. I can't do that. I would love to be there for all of the special family occasions but I would have to live there 365 days a year not just the special family days. For the first time in my life I have many friends and I am free to visit with them when I have time. I am home in a place that is very dear to my heart. I can not go back to a place full time where I would be misserable and alone most of the time. So I have made a decision.

I plan on going there for just one month this year but I am hoping to work it out where I can spend 2 or 3 months with them each year. It will take me a while to get it straight because I am still having a very hard time with my finances. I just can't work any more hours. I am never home already. I will be doing 3 nights a week starting shortly. The pay is good and I won't have that long drive every day. I just have to decide what to do with Misty.

Everytime she stays at my nieces house she comes back scratching and chewing so much that she has raw spots. It seems that she is alergic to cats. To make it worse she has started doing something she never did before wetting on the floor both at my nieces house and here when I leave her alone. I'm sure it is because she is upset with my being gone so much. I have no choice but to take the extra work so I will have to figure something out.

I am determined to not let everything beat me. It will be hard but I have to remember that Johnny not only gave me a new sense of myself but the chance for a new life. I can not let that life get me down and I won't

This last two weeks have been tough. I have been driving in the pour down rain and strong winds everyday and getting home when it is almost completely dark. I don't see good on this dark mountain road so I have stayed with a tension headache everyday. Then today on my way home they started saying the snow level is dropping. I was trying to get home as quickly as I could in the bad weather so I could beat the snow and dark. I turned a corner and heard a noise. My damn muffler fell off! So now tomorrow I have to get it fixed. I get off at 1:30 tomorrow so I should get home before it gets dark on me. I just hope that this doesn't set me back another month in catching up my bills. I need to start saving for my trip.

My first social security check will come in April. It won't be a lot but it certainly will help. I just have to get everything caught up because once this latest job is finished I have to cut back my hours because of social security.

So again I think all of you. Next time when those thought start to get me down I will go to my journal and write things out. That will help me and keep me from burdoning all of you with my problems.

Just want you all to know that I WILL SURVIVE

[Ann]

Lil...I have never once doubted that you will survive. I have always reminded you of your inner strength. I know it's been hard for you to find that strength while trying to overcome so many obstacles. I think you finally have your head in the right place. You're looking at things from a rational standpoint and have some plans and goals in place for the new year!

Happy New Year , my friend. I think it's going to be a good one for you.

[nancy c]

Lil, as far as I'm concerned you can write anytime. You are not bringing me down. PM me if you want. You are such a strong person. You can make it. As you already have! Life is hard without our loved ones. There is no getting around that. The holidays do make it worse, as nothing will ever be the same. I wish you peace and comfort. God bless, Nancy C

P.S. where in Lousianna are you from?

I was born in Rayne, but have numerous relatives in Lake Charles, New Orleans and Estherwood(ever heard of that small town??).. it's outside of Crowley. My parents are real born Cajuns!

[lilyjohn]

Thanks Nancy. I am a born and raised California but I lived in Louisiana for 32 years. I live in a community outside of Houma named Bayou Blue. I had a very dear friend that was killed in an off shore accident who was from Crowley. I know all of the other towns you mentioned but not that last one!

[eppie]

I was born and raised in Baytown Texas but that is east Texas enough to know Crowley, La.

I think your plan is a godd one. I will pray for you.

Much love, Eppie

[nancy c]

Eppie, I have been to Baytown..ten years ago..my father went there to have surgery. Nice place! God bless, Nancy C

[cindi o'h]

Lillian..

I just want you to know that you come here to tell your sorrows. Even if there is no reponse, we listen, and we care. I do anyway.

when I posted "Jesus wept" what I mean is that on the cross he had pain like we have pain. He had sorrow like we have sorrow. He was humble enough to cry and to cry out for help.

We are truly meant to cry out for help from one another. I have ADMIRED that about you... don't stop now!

love, Cindi o'h

[Ellen B.]

Lillian,

I totally agree with Cindi!

Ellen.

[Donna]

Lillian,

Your problems are our problems and NOT a burden to any one of us here..We all come here to talk to each other because we all know and feel the same way..You can write in your journal but please write to us here as well, we can answer you and help you the best we know how..The losses we share are sometimes much more than we can handle, that's why there are grief counselors out there. Please know I am here if you need to vent or just talk..

I pray for God's Blessing's for you and all of us here..

Donna

[lilyjohn]

The last few days have been a lot better. First of all I got my muffler fixed without it setting me back too much more. Then for two days I have not had to drive in the wind or rain. Claire is doing much better the last couple of days. Then yesterday not only did my boss grade me as excellent in my review but gave me a raise. Then today a couple of things made me feel better.

I had to stop at the store to get something and a little cash for the week comming. When I got out of my car I found a penny. It reminded me of the scene in Ghost with the pennies. Then when I came out of the store I found another one! I thought of Johnny when I saw those. Then I remembered something that happened a couple of nights ago.

There are several things that I consider signs from Johnny, A robin, A rooster or a Quail or Quail Rooster, A Donkey and the smell of coffee. A couple of times I got signs from Johnny that didn't give me one of those things directly but in an abstract way. Like someone mentioning a Robin or a Rooster when I was thinking about Johnny. The other night I was thinking about him and Wheel of Fortune was on. When the puzzle was solved it was "Wake up and Smell the Coffee". At the time I felt like that was him letting me know he was near.

Well getting back to today. One of the first songs that I considered comming from him came on the radio. It was "just one more day". On more than one occasion when I was talking to him and asking him if he missed me too that song would come on the radio.

The final thing today was driving home and seeing on the side of the road a whole flock of Quail. So I felt like today Johnny was really intent on letting me know that he is here.

I have the whole weekend off. I am looking forward to it so much. I can get up and take my time getting started. I have some things that I want to do. First of all I need to take my Christmas Tree down. I left it up because I haven't had time to take it down and because I got it late and was gone most of the time until this past week. I wanted to enjoy it a little more. Taking it down will lead to giving my living room a good cleaning and putting the Christmas things away will lead to doing some cleaning in my closet I hope. That is if I don't get lazy. I have been sleeping a lot lately when ever I get the chance. I go to bed early and the last two nights I have fallen asleep while watcing television.

All of this and all of you wonderfull people here to see me through the hard times who wouldn't feel better?

So anyway the last few days have left me feeling better. I have a lot of issues still but I feel that I have the strength to handle them.

[kitkathi]

Lillian,

Sending you strength........

Kathi