gail p-m Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 My father has been deteriorating rapidly during the past 3 months. The oncologist spoke to my sister tonight and said there are new spots on the lungs. My father is simply too weak and tired to withstand any further treatment. We were supposed to be going to the onc. on Wednesday but the onc. said we don't need to have the appt. Going anywhere is difficult for my father and it's not going to change anything - except that the doctor would be the one to tell him that he wants to call hospice in. So my sister and I need to tell my father about hospice and we don't know how. By the way, my father is beginning to have major issues with confusion too. If you've had to tell a loved one this difficult news, how have you gone about it? I don't want to take hope away, although I do feel like it's gone tonight. gail p-m UPDATE: My sister and I called oncologists office for advice on this (we figured we'd ask hospice for suggestions) and receptionist suggested that oncologist be the one to tell my Dad. We talked to oncologist and he was going to use the word "hospice" but also say that he has seen people withdrew from hospice programs because they began to do better.... We couldn't hide the word hospice from my Dad. He's always been a straightforward individual with whom you could never "sugar coat" anything. That's his nature. So the oncologist did phone after making sure I was home. My father, true to his nature, was very quiet about things and when I probed admitted it was not unexpected though until then "you can always hope against hope". This morning hospice called to make an appt for tomorrow night and he did say something about them lining up for the bodies. My heart is broken and tears keep coming and going Yes, my Dad is 82 but it's never long enough. He's so weak and tired now. I just see the life ebbing from him each day. Thank you for all your helpful replies and pms on this subject. gail p-m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 (((Gail))), I haven't had to tell anyone that Hospice has been called in...............just wanted to let you know that I am truly sorry and will be thinking of you and your sister as you deal with this very stressful and heartbreaking situation. Let us know how it goes. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Oh Gail, I'm so very sorry that you've gotten to this point. It is just so hard. I haven't had to be the one to do the telling so... take this with a grain of salt, but I think sometimes in these situations it's best to just be gentle and direct. If he has been deteriorating as you say, there is a good chance that he has an inkling. I know with my Mom she really knew before the rest of us--and in many cases was just letting us stay in our little worlds of denial. And... at the same time, she didn't want it to come either, and we had to have some very direct conversations about the time that she *might* have left. Don't forget also, that as the time gets shorter he needs to know that you are a safe place to talk about these things with. Praying for you, and I'm so very sad with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marym Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 I'm sorry you need to tell him. I'm not sure if I would rather hear it from the "objective" doctor or from a family member. Mostly, I would feel badly for my family member knowing how hard it would be for them. I think the hospice issue is probably already in your fathers mind. A simple statement that its time to contact hospice and hear what they can do for us. I've never had to do this, but I understand hopice personnel are well trained and should be able to asist you. Perhaps you should contact them first and see what they suggest. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Gail, I haven't had to do this, and I just wanted to share with you how sorry I am that you have to do it. I pray that God grants you peace, wisdom, and strength to get through the difficult time. Though it would have been nice to have the doc break the news, I think your dad will appreciate hearing it from you. God bless you and your family Gail. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 With Keith, it was the word hospice that stripped hope for him. So, when it came time to bring them in, we told him that we were arranging home health care. We said that we were arranging a nurse to visit occassionally through the week so that he wouldn't have to travel to the hospital for pain management. I know that he knew what it was, but we never had to say the dreaded word; hospice. I think because of the confusion Keith had, he didn't really understand what we were explaining anyway. I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegirl Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 I'm sorry you are going through this rough time. Though we have not gotten to this point I have often wondered how we would tell mom. I have to say that I've had the same thoughts as Carleen to refer to the hospice workers as 'home health care'. Essentially isn't that what they are? Good luck with your journey! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terriep Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Gail, no words of wisdom from me, just continued prayers for you and your family right now......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 As a patient I know that the words hospice would be very hard to accept and I like the term home health care. I would also hope that my pastor would start visiting with me each day if possible to help me make the start of my new journey. I hope God gives you the answers you need and the strength to continue on. God Bless Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pritchie Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Gail, My Mom's doctor told her that Hospice needed to be called in to help me and that they would help with the meds. She trusted him completely so I think it was easier coming from him than me. He was very nice about it and made it seem like it was for me more than her and that he would still see her and he would not give up trying to find the right treatment. Pamela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 My mom's Dr. told her very straight on that there is nothing more to be done and that he was calling hospice. Figures Rocky said "I don't think I'm going to die" after he left. I am sorry you are at this point. It just plain sucks after all that our loved ones have suffered through to be told that they are losing the battle. It is heartbreaking for us and I am sorry we are in the same boat. Prayers for you guys... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melindasue37 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Gail, You are in such a difficult situation. I don't have any advice or words of wisdom. I have thought about this situation many times and it hurts to just think about it, let alone try to decide what and when to say those difficult words. I'm praying for all of you, Gail. Warm Hugs, Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 I think the doctor ought to bring up this with him. If it does make him upset at least he is upset with the doctor and not with his family. Who knows, maybe this is what he wants but this should be a decision he makes with the doctor. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Oh Gail..I am so sorry. Once my dad's onc said there was nothing left in the way of treatments and felt it was time to call hospice, I was the one to tell him. I won't lie and say it was easy..because it wasn't but what helped us was the fact that he was so worried about my mom (she wasn't sick yet) and he knew that hospice was a great support system for the entire family, not just the patient. It was a comfort to him that we would all have support. Sorry, I feel as if I am not making sense..it's difficult to talk about. I will pm you. Hugs, Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppie Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 My feeling about this is that there only one thing to do and that is the right thing to do. WHat every you choose you will choose to do right thing. I believe in you and will pray for you. Much love and strength. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rashidcpa Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I had to tell my mother after she fought so hard for over a year and a half, she wasn't ready to give up but she was too weak to keep fighting. I told her hospice was a temp. situation until she got stronger and then we could look at more treatment, it made it easier for all of us. I didn't want my Mom to loose hope and just go home to die, this gave her a reason to wake up each day, smile, laugh, enjoy meals and enjoy family and friends. She was on hospice for two months and towards the end she told me she wasn't getting any better and she wasn't going to make it, broke my heart so much but at least she had the two months with some hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MilliBr1 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Gail I am so sorry you are going through this, you all are in my prayers. It was very hard for my family to tell my mom hospice was being called, we like you, didn't want her to give up. She also suffered from confusion and it was hard to tell what she understood. But I guess she wasn't as confused as we thought because the day we gathered to talk to her the minute hospice was mentioned she closed her eyes and went to , or pretended to sleep. We also had hospice send someone out to explain the program and to talk to mom. Well the minute she walked in the room mom closed her eyes and pretended to sleep. I remember I told her she didn't have to go. That we could work with her to build her back up so she could fight. She told me she just didn't think she could. I like the way Carleen and Rashidcpa handled it, I wish we would have done that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I think Carleen and rashid have found just about the perfect way to go about things--an emphasis on NOT giving up, but receiving help nonetheless. ((((Gail)))) Praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Hi Gail. A visiting nurse sounds good and it will make sense to him since he is too weak right now to travel. Bless his heart and yours. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Just sending you warm thoughts and hugs. I have no words of wisdom, just prayers. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Gail, I am so sorry you are faced with breaking this news to your Dad. I don't think I ever used the word "Hospice" to Dennis. Like your Dad, he was suffering from bouts of confusion and I'm not sure just how much of what I said that he understood. I just told him that these were nurses (true) that were coming in to give me a hand with his care. I also told him that they would be able to give him meds to help control his pain. He seemed to accept this without any questions. I'm remembering you adn your Dad in my prayers. I know that Hospice will prove to be a big help for your Dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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