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grief, grief and more grief


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Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks since I lost my Mom. My best friend. Everyone says it gets worse before it gets better. Dam, if they weren't right! I am soo sad. I'm a newlywed and I am so sad about my Mom that I am doing a poor job of being a happy new bride. Yes, I have some happy times, but this overwhelming looming feeling of loss hovers around me most of the time. I miss my Mom. I say those words a thousand times a day. I am tired all of the time. I worry so about my Dad who lost his wife of almost 61 years. I have so many questions going thru my mind.

1) why didn't they find the cancer sooner? she had been going to the doctor frequently complaining of fatigue for probably 2 years before diagnosis of the bladder cancer. Finally we found her a doctor that specialized in Geriatrics. I had begun doing some research and learned about being on hormones for a prolonged period of time. DO YOU KNOW THEY HAD MY MOTHER ON HORMONES AND SHE WAS 82 YEARS OF AGE? I inquired when we started with the new doctor and they took her off immediately.

2) Her previous doctor had prescribed anti depressants. My mother was the least depressed person I have ever encountered. She was not depressed, she was fatigued!

3) I have questions about her last moments before death. Hospice was wonderful, but they and everyone else told of how peaceful it would be when she passed. When she past I felt nothing but emptyness. I keep waiting for a sign from her. Her last hours were less than peaceful. The morphine had her so out of it. And I won't got into detail about the last hour of her life but it was not pretty. I thought she would just drift off. It was not like that. I asked if she was seizuring and Hospice said no. They seemed to skim over it. I want to know. I heard the Hospice CNA call the nurse and tell her that she had not witnessed this certain thing before. All the nurse told me was that its different for everyone. I guess if someone wants to write to me and explain what they have experienced I would welcome it. I don't want to give gory details and offend anyone. But I felt traumatized afterwards. I promised my Mom I would be there until the end for her and I was. I would do it again in a second. Just wish I had been more prepared. I wish I had felt more peace, felt her spirit hover over me. Felt anything.

4) How will I live the rest of my life without this wonderful woman by my side? How can I never hold her hand, or hear her voice. She was the one person I could always go to - to listen and help me. I have other people but the one I need is her. And this is about her and she is gone.

My father and I are heartbroken. yes she was 85 years old. But she never for a moment seemed old to me. She was funny, and loving and a good person.

I am rambling again. I am starting grief counseling tonight. I hope it helps.

I feel sorry for my new husband and his daughters. I am not myself these days. I try, but I feel as though I have literally lost 50% of my being.

Thanks for listening.

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Kathleen, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so hard, it truly IS losing part of yourself. I am sorry your mother's passing wasn't more peaceful. I can relate, because when my dad passed earlier this year, his last hours weren't very peaceful seeming either. His chest was very congested, and his breathing sounded awful, almost like he was drowning. There was also some bleeding we had to clean from his mouth (came from his esophagus). Needless to say, it wasn't a peaceful fading away. Not for the family anyway. Maybe he was at peace, I'd sure like to think so. I think that we can never really be prepared to watch someone we love pass away, no matter what we are told to expect. Knowing what was happening sure didn't make it any easier for me to watch. It is just hard. It does get harder with time, at least it has for me. It's not supposed to be easy. Not when you love someone so much. Hang in there, and you'll make it through. My thoughts are with you today.


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I am 12 days without my mother now...the wounds are fresh and it sucks and it is wierd. I have experienced some of what you have.

On your point 1, my mom was 56, went every year for physicals chect x-ray and tumor markers. Apparently none of this turns up lung cancer. So I get your frustration. I am trying to do something constructive with this anger and going to a conference on early detection of lung cancer in NYC. GO to ielcap.org for info. I will be posting what I learn there. But know that I feel your frustration, if only they could have told us sooner.

On point 2, my Mom experienced fatigue as well, even she thought it was mental...

Point 3, nothing prepares you. It didn't strike me as peaceful, but I think that was because I was not peaceful at that moment. I think my mother was not cognizant of what was happening. But watching her take her last breath was very disturbing to me, it appeared to me as a struggle. The nurse said it wasn't, and this is what happens. She said even though her respratory reflexes seemed to continue, it was already done. Don't get me wrong. It is stuck in my head, and I will always question, but I know what ever that experience was for her is now completely gone. She's somewhere where there is no pain and no sadness.

I was also hoping to "feel" something. But I have an identical feeling of nothingness. But that isn't about her or her state of being...she's OK. It's my perception. I have faith that as time moves forward I will "experience" her again. Just not sure it will be "external" like I had imagined it would.

4 - I get it. I don't have kids but 50% of my thoughts about having them involved the joy my mother would experience. I don't get to have that now. My mom was my rock, she was my buddy. I get it. Just know I completely get it.

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:cry::cry: THe one thing that no one4 can ever take away from you are the memories. The Pain gets duller but never goes away. Prayers for some peace and Strength. I know but I lost my wife. Same pain.
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Thank you for your responses. I felt a need to rant and rave and so glad I could come here to do that. Friends and family want to help but they don't get it.

NICK, telling me you 'get it' gave me a great deal of peace. I'm sorry for your loss just 12 days ago.

I have so many questions. So many. Like the morphine. Did we start it too soon? After we gave it to her the very first time she went to sleep and never woke again. Did we dehydrate her by giving her the morphine which made her sleep? Watching her for three days without eating or drinking or waking was killer. I wanted to bring her back. I wanted to make her better. Dad and I tried everything. We thought if we took good enough care of her this wouldn't happen. It is the ultimate feeling of defeat.

I am not whole. How will I get over this and be a good wife and stepmom? How does anyone get over this? I mean, my Mom lived a good long life and it hurts like crazy. I can't imagine losing her earlier, say at age 56 Like Nick's Mom. I feel guilt for being so grief stricken. People say "but she lived a long life, she is in a better place". Logically I know all this, but try making my heart understand.

Thank you for "getting it". I guess thats why this place is so special.

I pray all of us here will find hope and strength and comfort. It helps knowing I'm not alone.

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Never question anything. You did everything you could. The shoulda, Coulda, Wouldas will haunt us forever. My wife was put on a dfrug 7 days before she passed away for respiratory infections, called Ketek. 3 people in Charlotte NC just to my south 1.5 hours drive, died from Renal and kidnety failure after taking the VERY SAME DRUG, KETEK. oh well, There is nothing I can do and I will never know. Teh question ate at me for several weeks afterwards. I am convinced after seeing her Med records which I do have that it was the Cancer not the Ketek. Sending Prayers from under teh Carolina Blue skies.

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I will forever question whether what we did in the hospital in those last hours was "the right thing".

But I didn't seal my mother's fate, neither did you with your mother. The doctors didn't, the ER didn't, the treatments, drugs, the pain killers didn't...the cancer did, at least in my mother's case, as she was terminal. I am confident that I will never be 100% comfortable with my mothers departure, but I am 100% comfortable that her leaving was coming, it was coming sooner rather than later, and that it could have been so much worse. I take comfort in that.

If your mom slept and hospice was there, I would be confident she was comfortable. I know you wanted to make her better...I did too. But that was not something we could have done. So we can't beat ourselves up for it.

As far as moving on to be a spouse, parent, person without our mothers...I don't know. I have said that several times to my wife. How are there actually other people who have gone through this?!?!? There are...and they are parents, spouses, workers, and people...so there is hope.

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It is so hard but so comforting to come here and hear my story come from other (daughters especially)





okay I just made a huge post about odds and what ifs and the end result was just that lung cancer is deadly. The questiosn of if they were treated correctly and in what time frame are so hard to not ask. I know now it doesn't matter. Odds, bad as they are to quote, were that mom would not have lived much longer regardless.

But I didn't seal my mother's fate, neither did you with your mother. The doctors didn't, the ER didn't, the treatments, drugs, the pain killers didn't...the cancer did, at least in my mother's case, as she was terminal. I am confident that I will never be 100% comfortable with my mothers departure, but I am 100% comfortable that her leaving was coming, it was coming sooner rather than later, and that it could have been so much worse. I take comfort in that.

It hurts and hurts and hurts far beyond our loved ones death. They are free from pain and worry and fear and helplessness. They are free and live in glory, while we are left to piece together what is left. It hurts like no other type of pain and I am glad we have each other to vent and cry and cope.

I know from losing my dad 3 years ago that the pain never leaves... it gets to be like the Ocean Tide.

The pain comes in like the tide, it washes up, somtimes, so high that it takes out breath away and makes our limbs ache with cold hard numbing pain, sometimes it even washes over us and takes us under and makes us feel like we are drowning. If we are fortunate, somthing pulls us up for a breath, be it faith, be it family, be it friends, or good old fashioned self preservation. As time goes on, the tide table slows, the tide still comes in, washes over us, maybe not as fast and hard, maybe we are used to the cold and it is not as intense but as life keeps goign, the tide never stops.

For me when mom died, it just started over.

I know it doesnt feel like it now, I would be a hypocrite to say I am better now 6 months later, but it will get better, but you will always be different

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Oh Kathleen,

So many of us here know the pain of losing a love one, especially a mom.

My mom died 2 years ago at 94 and she did live a good long life. But even though she was that age, she had her faculties about her. She was there for me all my 56 years! Always there through everything, my good times and my dark times. She was the one who gave me the encouragement and support that only a mom can give. Never judged me for a minute...

Yes, I was a lucky girl to have my mom that long, but you know I know she went through a horrible time in the hospital, And I know in my heart like my brother and sister, even though she was 94 she still had time. The hospital killed her, we are sure of that. Will not go through the entire story.

She was not a happy camper, she kept pulling that trac out and they had to restrain her hands. Poor dear, I can't imagine how horrible that must have been for her. But at the same time she was oblivious to us and her surroundings. I hope that anyway.

I just know that she was not comfortable when they took the trac out and administered her the morphine

and that will be with us the rest of our life even though she had been unresponsive and could not function without the trac.

They should never have incubated her in the first place which took 7 doctors and nurses to get incubator tube down her throat. Took close to 10 minutes and it scratched her esophagus and made her blow up like a balloon which lasted for almost 2 weeks. Much more but it hurts too much to remember.

I hate hospitals and I especially will not step foot in that one again.

I don't know what people go through in the end. Are they at peace or are they silently yelling out to stop? I guess everyone is different, I just know that she was not ready.

My dad on the other hand died at 91(yes, I have good genes) from Pneumonia, and I was bed ridden from a accident which involved my back. I just knew at this certain time that I had to see him. I took all kinds of pain pills, had Joel take me to the hospital and crawled in bed next to him. He was not conscious as I could see, but they said he just would not let go. I remember how contented I was curled up next to him. I kissed him goodbye and told him it was time for him to go. When I got home I got a call from the hospital that he passed right after I left. That to me was a peaceful, and contented passing for him as he waited for me.

Now I am ranting. I miss them both but my mom was my mommy and there is such a void she left in my heart.

I could understand how you feel. I will say it will become more tolerable and better for you. And please know that your mom, who is watching out for you, does not want you to grieve so much for her and wants you to be happy with your new life and family. That would make her transition so much easier if she knows you are alright.

Hold those wonderful memories deep in your heart and there she will always live on. You may want to make a scrap book of pics and thoughts and memories from her. It will help you heal.

So sorry for your pain, but you are not alone.

And Nick I am so sorry for you as you mom was much too young to leave this earth as so many before her.

Maryanne :cry:

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Oh Kathleen..you are not alone and I hear what you are saying.

Lost my dad to colon cancer six yrs ago and missing him is with me daily. My dad's passing was not easy..nuff said but I do understand.

Please do not feel guilty because your mom lived to be in her 80's..age has nothing to do with the depth of our love. I do, however, find comfort (this is for me) that I had my dad for many many yrs..still hurts like hell though.

Holding you close to my heart

hugs, Libby

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I am just so sorry. I am sorry you are left with these questions and no answers. My mom has been gone for eight months and nine days, and I know now that I spent three and a half months in shock, and then I pretty much broke down for three months, last month I thought I was starting to feel "better," (but that word doesn't quite sit right with me, because I swear I don't want this pain to go away; it is a mark of who I am, who I have become now, and I never want to lose this feeling) and suddenly at the beginning of this month I found out some things that I have been having a VERY hard time with. I need my mom here so badly, and I am re-realizing that she will NEVER be here again to talk to about this.

Your post really made me ache for both of us, but wow, when I saw #4: How will I live the rest of my life without this wonderful woman by my side? How can I never hold her hand, or hear her voice. I wished so badly I could reach out and hug you. Gosh, do I feel the same way. I, too, feel as though I have lost 50% of my being. Some days I wonder how it is possible that I am able to keep existing without her. I seriously feel like she was my lifeline, and now that she's gone, it is unnatural that I survive without her. I gave birth to my son three weeks after my mom died; it is all a fog to me and I'd give anything, ANYTHING to be able to put him into her arms.

I don't know the answer to how you go on with your life. Each day I am amazed that I do--and I'm certainly not patting myself on the back when I say this, because most days I sit and wonder HOW to grieve. Things like, is it time for me to start doing the things I have avoided doing since she's been gone? I went to get my hair cut tonight at my mom's hairdresser (he's been mine too since I was 5) for the first time since she's been gone. That was hard. I started up the walk, and was fine till I got to the steps. I just pictured my mom walking up the steps. I took a deep breath, blew it out, and walked in the door. I've been avoiding music she liked, movies, games, and whatnot. Sometimes I feel like I'm depriving my soul of what it needs to do to grieve if I hear a song she liked and change the channel, but I just can't do it right now. I don't know that I'll be able to do it for many years.

Yeah, your mom was 85. But I guess I feel the same way about that as I did when my stepdad died of lung cancer in 1999: he and my mom were married for 8 years. My husband and I have now been married for 11 years. I feel like we are just getting to really know each other! 8 years was not nearly enough...and in my opinion, neither is 50, 60, 70 years.

My prayers are with you.

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My heart goes out to you, I can't tell you how many times I have gone over and over in my mind about my Dad's last days, wondering if I did the right things, said the right things, its been almost 6 months and there are days I am so sad. I wish I had some comfort to send you, please know you are not alone


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