Kathleen1 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Tomorrow it will be 7 weeks since I lost my Mom. My best friend. Everyone says it gets worse before it gets better. Dam, if they weren't right! I am soo sad. I'm a newlywed and I am so sad about my Mom that I am doing a poor job of being a happy new bride. Yes, I have some happy times, but this overwhelming looming feeling of loss hovers around me most of the time. I miss my Mom. I say those words a thousand times a day. I am tired all of the time. I worry so about my Dad who lost his wife of almost 61 years. I have so many questions going thru my mind. 1) why didn't they find the cancer sooner? she had been going to the doctor frequently complaining of fatigue for probably 2 years before diagnosis of the bladder cancer. Finally we found her a doctor that specialized in Geriatrics. I had begun doing some research and learned about being on hormones for a prolonged period of time. DO YOU KNOW THEY HAD MY MOTHER ON HORMONES AND SHE WAS 82 YEARS OF AGE? I inquired when we started with the new doctor and they took her off immediately. 2) Her previous doctor had prescribed anti depressants. My mother was the least depressed person I have ever encountered. She was not depressed, she was fatigued! 3) I have questions about her last moments before death. Hospice was wonderful, but they and everyone else told of how peaceful it would be when she passed. When she past I felt nothing but emptyness. I keep waiting for a sign from her. Her last hours were less than peaceful. The morphine had her so out of it. And I won't got into detail about the last hour of her life but it was not pretty. I thought she would just drift off. It was not like that. I asked if she was seizuring and Hospice said no. They seemed to skim over it. I want to know. I heard the Hospice CNA call the nurse and tell her that she had not witnessed this certain thing before. All the nurse told me was that its different for everyone. I guess if someone wants to write to me and explain what they have experienced I would welcome it. I don't want to give gory details and offend anyone. But I felt traumatized afterwards. I promised my Mom I would be there until the end for her and I was. I would do it again in a second. Just wish I had been more prepared. I wish I had felt more peace, felt her spirit hover over me. Felt anything. 4) How will I live the rest of my life without this wonderful woman by my side? How can I never hold her hand, or hear her voice. She was the one person I could always go to - to listen and help me. I have other people but the one I need is her. And this is about her and she is gone. My father and I are heartbroken. yes she was 85 years old. But she never for a moment seemed old to me. She was funny, and loving and a good person. I am rambling again. I am starting grief counseling tonight. I hope it helps. I feel sorry for my new husband and his daughters. I am not myself these days. I try, but I feel as though I have literally lost 50% of my being. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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