Dad hasn't been honest with me

[3boys4amy]

His girlfriend called me on Thursday (he is in the hospital getting radiation) to tell me the truth because she felt I needed to know. He told me the cancer had not spread to his other lung, however, it has. (remember, he had his right one removed 2 years ago). The oncologist has told him that they are working on his quality of life now, not the quantity. (what does that really mean?). He was told his bone marrow isn't up enough for him to have chemo anymore. Radiation is their last resort right now, as it seems. Or possibly a chemo pill? They are watching his brain for mets very closely. It has spread to the lymph nodes, one by his windpipe and one in his chest region. I think one is on the opposite side of the initial tumor. What do I expect now? He is in quite a bit of pain and is coughing constantly. I believed him when he constantly told me the cancer had not gone to his other lung. And then I sat there and heard him on the phone coughing all the time. I can't believe that I didn't think he could have been lying to me. I know he is only trying to protect me. But I love my dad so much and I need to know what is going on. His doctors won't call me back anytime I call. I imagine he hasn't put me on his list. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Andrea]

I have no advice, just sending lots of good thoughts. The chemo pill is probably Tarceva.

[TamHol]

The oncologist has told him that they are working on his quality of life now, not the quantity. (what does that really mean?).

This means they are going to attempt slow the growth down and provide symptom and pain relief... radiation does this. In the end there is no medical intervention he can have and they will keep him comfortable from all symptoms and pain.

That's a hard reality to take, it's no wonder he is using what ever denial or "buttering" to get threw the day. My Dad uses this handy tool as well. It seems he is using the technicalities to be able to say "it's not in the lung". Technically he may not have any masses ON/IN the lung but it's still lung cancer. He may not understand that technicality or may not want to acknowledge it ... My Dad will have a hard time understanding how you can have one without the other. To him it wouldn't be logical .... and hard to accept as an answer. As for what to watch for? Who knows, I was just caught by that this week and asked "why didn't you or he say anything?". My answer was solely "We didn't know it was a problem and we don't know what we're looking for." We've decided we'll give them everything and let them weed out what they can't use ...

Good luck to you with this, just know ... your far from being in the boat alone.

Tammy

[Nick C]

Parents!

I'm not one, but mom wanted me to be as sheltered from anything that would "hurt" too.

I'm so sorry this is all happening.

[robynmark]

My dad also had one lung when he was diagnosed this year with cancer in his remainig lung. Is your dad coughing up a lot of blood? My dad was and this is how we knew it was getting worse. They also only talked about quality of life. Once its in the other lung and has spread to other areas there is not much they can do. However, when my dad was on chemo you could tell his breathing and coughing was better. Unfortunaltey he did have brain mets and it in the liver and bones and only lived 4 months after diagnosis. It also depends on which stage it is in the lung. My dad's was stage IV right away.

Robyn

[Mskim]

I am sorry you have been in the dark, an I have no advice except for cherish the sweet moments, don't wait to ask questions and say everything you want and mean.

Prayers for you and your family.

[beat it]

I just recently asked the question about chemo for quality of life, my MIL is Stage 4. They cant operate, cant cure her so whats the chemo for then? We lost the quality of life she had the 2nd day after chemo, I just dont get it

Your not alone in the frustration and concern, I pray you will find your answers and peace.

Beat it!!

[missyk]

I'm sorry your father is intentionally or unintentionally keeping you in the dark about his current state of health.

The one thing I *might* be able to address is chemo for quality of life issues.

Although some chemo treatments are harsh when it comes to side effects, as long as the blood counts stay up and the side effects aren't TOO bad...if the chemo works to shrink tumors...that gives time FOR quality of life after treatment.

I know there are a lot of "ifs" up there...but there are a lot of "ifs" when it comes to lung cancer, anyway.

Sending prayers that things get better for him and prayers for you, too.

Much love,

[kamataca]

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. It must have been so hard to hear the news.

I hate this da*n disease, what it does to our loved ones, and what it does to us. I pray the doctors can find a way to keep your dad comfortable, and give you lots of time together. My mom is at 21 months post-Dx...they originally told us 12-18, with 'quality of life' as the focus (couldn't do surgery, etc.). They have been good months.

Lots of prayers for you, and your dad. Keep us posted.

Kelly