rmm17 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Hi everyone. For those of you that don't know, i lost my 41 year old mom to sclc a few days before Christmas. Since then, i have short periods of time (15 min or so) that i am quite upset and crying. Besides that, i really haven't been showing the typical signs of "grief". I guess it could be due to the fact that i have been so busy the past two weeks cleaning out my mom's personal belongings, dealing with her bills, and making arrangements for my younger brothers. I have just returned back to my apartment at school and i am concerned about how my feelings may change. Still, i have not really been particularly upset. It is possible that I started the grieving process 16 months ago when she was diagnosed and her death actually allowed to to stop the mourning process. I am just worried that I am holding back my feelings and in 6 months it is going to hit me and i will breakdown. I dont know. I am just so confused and stressed about everything. I dont know how to deal with all this. Sorry for rambling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomsGirl Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Everything you are experiencing is so normal - I posted about the same feelings five months ago right after I lost my beloved mom to SCLC. Her experience with SCLC very much mirrored your own mom's, and I felt such pain in my heart when I read your post that you had lost her. Like you, when I lost my mom I was NUMB. I remember standing at the wake and actually caught myself chitchatting and sometimes laughing at things people said. It was surreal. You are in survival mode, and in no way should you feel guilty about this - it truly is nature's way of getting you through this. You go on autopilot. I also was worried about breaking down in the future...I was six months pregnant when I lost my mom and I knew I had to get through this pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby - I had a goal. A few weeks after the funeral I started having some massive breakdown episodes, but they were spaced far apart. For the most part I remained in survival mode until very recently (the baby is now eight weeks old). So I can't lie, the pain will hit you, and at the most unexpected times...and yes, it will probably get worse when things settle down. Could be a month, could be six months. I'm starting to consistently have a very hard time right now, actually...I'm bitter, I'm devastated, I'm thinking of what I could have done, I'm mad at the doctors, etc. Make sure you talk about it, whether it's here, or with friends, family etc. My sisters and I e-mail and call each other often to share our pain. But even doing that, I feel so lonely sometimes. I just want my mom... Don't be hard on yourself, you have experienced a life altering loss, and that's why you're here - and I'm so sorry. I still find myself in a sort of denial...I don't know when the pain of thinking about it will lessen. It flat out sucks and it's so damn unfair. When I am really down, I try to think of what my mom would want for me, and I know it wouldn't be this pain, she would want me to go on...but it's hard. My prayers and thoughts are with you...it sounds like you were a wonderful daughter and I hope that you take great comfort in that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Q Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Rochelle, It is very normal to feel numb. I felt like I was going through the motions for much of the first few months. I lacked the motivation to get mom's condo cleaned out & repaired to prep it for sale...and here we are, 8.5 months later, and it still is not listed, though we have had a few interested parties go through it. It's so hard. I felt guilty that I didn't break down more, but I came to realize that grief is a slow process for some people, and an ongoing process for everyone. I'm now getting closer to anniversary dates, and I'm having some really low times. If you feel the need, most hospice organizations offer support groups, usually free of charge. Do take advantage of that, and always know you are welcome here! We're with you on this hourney. hugs to you, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Totally normal. I think you probably did start to grieve earlier. THe worst I was emotionally was during the month she was diagnosed. The weeks that followed mom's passing, I was numb...in a surreal haze. Now it is starting to hit me. I'm functional, just not 100%. Don't feel abnormal for feeling like you aren't where you would expect to be. I find myself emotionally in very different places at different times. Keep us posted if you feel something you didn't expect, I find many folks here have experienced things I have experienced. And it feels good to know I'm "normal". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I'm not sure that there is such a thing as "typical grief." I could have written what you are describing when my mom passed -- right up to the concern of wondering when I would "fall apart" and what was wrong with me for not "falling apart" in the weeks right after mom's passing. I actually felt really good then, but numb, as others have said. It's almost 6 months out (on Jan 8th) and I've still not "lost it" in some sort of major breakdown as I wondered about. I've let go of the notion that I'm going to have to have something "major" too as a testimonial of my love for my parents -- kind of wondering why I should put that out there for myself, other than that's what I've seen in the movies and how real is that? There's only been one person I personally know and witnessed that had what I'd call a major dramatic meltdown from the git-go (even on anxiety/depression medication). Everyone else I personally know who have experienced loss (some had their loss over 10 years ago) have grieved in spurts and usually in calm alone moments, not necessarily related to anniversary dates -- none of them "broke down" to the point of being non-functional in what they needed to do either. Right now, the grief is still coming in unexpected short spurts of tears when I'm alone that don't really have a rational reason why they got triggered from what I was or was not doing at the time. I even tried to go to a support group: nothing would come in public. I just let it come when it wants to and don't worry about it when it does -- the release feels healing to me. Let go of the notion that you are holding back somehow -- your feelings will surface and change over time when they need to, expect that. How you do it will be individual to you and done with your own special style of grace and love for your mom. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 I vote "normal", too. I realized recently that I was not feeling much and knew then I had anesthetised myself so that I was numb. It is a way of protection. I have moments when I will grieve and cry at the drop of a hat, and then others where I feel nothing. As you pointed out, too, I had 4 years to grieve and I think that pushes us further along, though we still grieve the death. You're okay. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 2, 2007 Share Posted January 2, 2007 Rochelle...I am so very sorry that you have so much to deal with right now. I wish I could give you an "in person" hug to let you know how much I care! Don't ever feel that you are grieving in the "wrong" sort of way. The grieving process is something that is very unique for each od us and no two people are going to react the exact same way to a loss. As I'm sure you already know, there are so many different stages of grief and each of us approach those stages at different times along the way. You probably did begin the grieving process when you felt that you might lose your dear mom to this terrible disease. I think I started grieving the day Dennis was diagnosed and I heard the words incureable, inoperable but we can buy some time with treatment. When Dennis died, I had already been grieving for 10 months and managed to get through those days in fairly good shape....or so I thought. Looking back, there are so many things I don't recall about the time immediately after Dennis died. So, I guess I wasn't wound together quite as well as I thought. I believe that God gives us the ability to stay "numb" for a while in order that we can make important decisions and get things taken care of. Just remember that my prayers are with you and I'm here if you need to talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacey Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I felt the same way when I lost my Dad. I was expecting something like you see in the movies. He was diagnosed and passed away in such a short time, I think I was a bit numb. But I also think that my family just keeps moving. I found that helpful, actually. Try to stay busy if it helps you. That doesn't mean you won't have your bad days, but mostly, I did OK. Being alone in the car and going to bed at night (when your mind can race) were the worst times for me. But I also think you only deal with what you are able to deal with at that time. So, you may deal with your mom's death in dribs and drabs. But as others have said, try not to be hard on yourself and compare your grieving. Everyone does it differently. Hang in there. I'm very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Rochelle, You are doing just fine. You are cruising on auto-pilot right now just trying to get through all the "stuff". I liked what Stacy and Linda had to say. Not everyone (gosh I hope not!) has a breakdown. Mostly it really does come in "dribs & drabs" and at the most unexpected moments. After my Mom died, I can remember doing quite well for some time, and then putting soap in my washing machine and suddenly crying. No trigger, just happened -- silly, no association, but true. Once I had to leave a grocery store because I saw a Mother and Daughter walking together and didn't want to cry in the store because I'd never walk through a store with my Mom again. It just hit me in the right way. You have been grieving for some time now, but it is still hard. I wouldn't be expecting some magic, cataclysmic, aha! moment, kind of a thing to happen. You have a lot of grit sweetie. It's not fair, but you will end up being okay. And... you always have us to talk to! Take care, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I vote normal also. Every one is different. If you want to check around online for grief sites, I use beyondindigo.com and also young widows Bulletin board which is a great message board open to all just for grieving and recovering from Loss of a loved one. But I also Call LCSC HOME. And there is no place like Home Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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