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reflection


Connie22

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As I sit here at the computer and read all the posts from the night before, I cannot help but reflect on this last year. Tomorrow it will be one year since I joined this wonderful place and it also happens to be my mom's 65th b-day. No, I didn't want to be here, but ended up here and am I thankful that I did. I had no need for new friends in my life, I have a lot. But I have no friends like you guys here on this board. I have never met so many compassionate and caring people in my life!! That is why I keep coming back. Thank you for always being here!

A lot has happened in this last year.

Some is good, some is bad, and some is just plain ugly. I weigh the good with the bad and always seem to come up fighting. Fighting for the positive things, always trying to see the silver lining. Afterall that is what I was taught growing up, (by my mother). One thing that always comes to mind is what Becky (snowflake) says: "Put your big girl panties on", This has gotten me through a lot in life in the last 3 months. I had a lot of the firsts without mom: Nov 22 my b-day, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then her dx'd day and hospital stay, then my daughters b-day, now her b-day. Everyone of these "first's" were dealt with in a different way. Each one of these I find something that mom and I used to like to do together, and I do that thing. For example, I used to take Mom to the spa-so for my b-day, I spent the whole day at the spa. What a great way to reflect on our wonderful journey together. It is a journey, because we both have the same destination in mind. Do I miss her less-absolutely NOT!!!! But, I need to feel her presence and this is how I choose to do so.

I still have my bad days-crying and missing her and wishing I could talk to her one more time. I have no idea what I would say-we said it all! We both knew how and what the other one was thinking. That is how I live my life, before she passed and today. I try to leave nothing unsaid, because we just never know what the future holds. I try to remember what she said to me the day before she passed- "Kid, it has been a wonderful life and one hell of a ride. We fought this beast with everything we had, it did not win. I am ready to go home and I and you both know that we will see each other soon". "We" meaning that my mom and I were always a team in the 44 years we had together. How can I be angry with an attitude like that? I hope I can be as positive and strong as she was. I pray for this on a daily basis.

How am I going to honor "her" day tomorrow? For her 63rd B-day, I took her and her sister to Vegas. We had a blast!!!! She liked to gamble (spend her $20.00) once a year! Always on her B-day we would go to a casino, about 30 minutes from here, and do just that. So tomorrow afternoon, I will get in my car and drive there by myself, and put in her $20.00 and just do some reflecting. I need to go alone, because noone could ever take the place of my wonderful mom and I really need to "reflect" on this year past.

It took a year, but I finally figured out (by myself) how to put her picture on here. I pray for everyone on this site daily. I think about the caregivers on this site daily, and I really do understand what you are going through. Please remember to enjoy ever minute that you can with your loved one, this I do not regret. For some time after mom passed I played the "what if's" game with myself. This only depressed me and I realized "it is what it is".

Thanks for always being here-through the good, the bad and the ugly!

Hugs and prayers

Connie

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Well, first of all Connie, I am glad you told me the pic is your mom. Knowing her age (65) I NEVER would have guessed that! What a beautiful, youthful woman. And she has such a nice face. I think faces tell a lot about poeple, don't you?

I am just so proud of you, Connie. You are doing remarkably well, and how you have chosen to continue on your journey and remember your mother is nothing less than remarkable. How grateful I am that I have gotten to know you this past year. And I, too, remember your mother every time I look at the sweatshirt from the Boston Walk. I actually DO wear that on certain occasions and am so happy to explain what it is and who each of the names represent. Hope you saw the pic that Katie posted.....had your mother on it.

So I say good for you. And that thing about 'talking'........I still talk to my mother. Yep, I look at her picture and have these little conversations with her. BTW, she passed away in 1985. But I am certain she hears my every word.

Thank you for remaining part of this wonderful family who reach out to all who come here. I, for one, am most appreciative.

Kasey

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Connie,

Bless your heart. I have thougth often of you, as I met you right away when I joined the board. We are both from South Dakota, which makes a bond in itself. Please know I am thinking of you. Are you going to Flandreau? Did your mom ever do the money booth on her birthday?

Blessings,

Jen

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Kasey-

Thanks for the nice words-my mom was a young 64 when she passed-everyone thought we were sisters. I am so glad that she is remembered by you,when you wear your sweatshirt. I would love to be there in person this year....hmmmm maybe I will have to consider that.

Jen-

I am going to Flanderau and she did get in the money booth-every b-day.....3 years ago she won $110.00 in the booth, me on the other hand, the year I did the booth I won $3.00. Go figure.

Hugs and prayers

Connie

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So......I made it through mom's birthday and it was a good day. A lot of reflecting, which is good for me, it puts things back into perspective. I did go 000 and no big winner here. I also went to lunch with her best friend (which she would have done) and just enjoyed the day. Today I will begin to make quilts out of her clothing for each one of her 5 sisters and 2 granddaughters and myself of course. Please pray for me, I have never made a quilt. But my plan is, on the anniversary of her passing (June 1) I would love to have them done and present them all with a little memory of this terrefic sister, mother and granny. I better get busy, my work is cut out for me.

God Bless

Hugs and prayers

Connie

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You and your mom's relationship sounds alot like my and my mom's was.

I'm so glad you made it passed this milestone of sorts...I'm so glad you can hold onto those memories and I hope they comfort you.

Thank you for being here, for me, for others, for yourself too....

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Hi Connie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. It was beautiful to read how you've honored her on the days that were special to you both. The quilts -- wow, what a fantastic tribute. Just take your time, have patience with yourself, and remember why you're doing it.

I want to thank you for your post. I'm very fortunate that my parents are both pretty healthy. Reading your post brought an awareness to me how important it is to cherish these times with them, and that maybe I haven't done that so much lately.

P.S. You and I share a birthday. :)

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Connie,

What a great tribute to your mom! You are such an amazing daughter! Please know your day was one filled with many prayer from so many of us around the country and world.

Your quilt idea is great. It reminds me of the place in Dells called Bear with Me or something like that...there they take a picture of your loved one, and interview you about him/her, and they make a bear out of whatever fabrics you give them. So...if you mom liked 000 they may put cards in the bear's hand, with the pants being a patchwork of her old jeans, or something like that. I toured there a few years ago and swore I would do that someday.

God bless!

Jen

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