I hope the holiday passed gently

[crystleshoe]

I have been having a tough time with christmas this year. I put everything off till the last minute (maybe the day wouldn't come if I ignored it?) This is the first xmas without Mom and that means we are almost at the 1 year mark of her death ( I am finding that hard to swallow too.) As I was shopping there were so many things I saw that I thought would be great for her and then I rememberd shes not here. I feel cheated because last xmas she was so sick and couldnt really enjoy the day. I am so afraid that I will only be able to remember the bad times and forget all of the good years we had before. I am also missing my daughter this year...she went to Kansas City with her boyfriend to spend the holidays with his family because his Grandad is not in good health and may not make another year and while I do understand it still sux. I am missing the two greatest women in my life and Christmas isn't the same without them. And while I know that things could be so much worse there were a few times this past week that the grief was unbearable. We are home now and the day is done and we all survived the First Christmas without my mother. I have been thinking of you all and I hope the day passed gently for you and I guess the bright side is that we will never have to do this first again. Our loved ones are probably having a huge Christmas dinner in Heaven and watching us to make sure were ok.

[kamataca]

It was tough, but I'm coming close to making it through the day. I just tried to do what Mom taught us--look for the laughter and hold tight to family. Thankfully both of my brothers (and my sister-in-law and the new baby!) came over and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with us.

I almost broke down at Christmas Eve mass. I think it is a testament to my Mom that church is where I feel most closely connected to Mom--and where I seem to miss her the most. Last year she spent all of Mass complaining that they let the high school girls have all the solos in the Children's Choir mass (supposed to just be 2nd-8th grade, and the high school choir has its own mass). She was miffed, b/c of course her granddaughter could out-sing any of those girls, given the chance! When my brother and I saw that the HS girls were singing again this year, I knew Mom would have pitched another fit. It made me laugh a bit.

Hopefully you all found something positive to hold on to today. I've been thinking of you as well. Take care...

Kelly

[nyka69]

Spent a very quiet Christmas Eve alone. It also would have been our 16th anniversary. A very difficult day.

Today passed quietly as well. I took a nap. Ate some dinner. Had a cocktail. Will go to bed soon.

I'm glad I'll never have to do this first again. Hugs to all of you.

[Kasey]

((((((Nanci)))))),

I would have LOVED to share a holiday cocktail with you. Gosh, I am just so darn sorry about it all. Thought of you though, in chutch, and said a prayer.

Kasey

[Ry]

We got through it too. I expected it to be much harder than it was, but I had meltdowns the last two days-- so I probably wasn't up to another one. The kids had a good day- and that's what counts.

[Barbb]

{{{{Hugs}}}} to all of you. I wish we could have all spent the day together.

My kids, always includes. Zack, Lacy's boyfriend, and I had a nice Christmas. My new stove comes Fri. so we ate last night at Red Lobster and Jeff treated all 4 of us. Today I took Jeff to the Omaha airport then spent the day with Zack and Lacy. Took a 3 hr. nap there then hemmed Lacy's pants, mended Zack's jacket and watched TV and visited. A nice day. When I got in the car to drive home, my chest got very tight. Sang along with my new George Strait album.

Barb

[teriw]

Had a house full yesterday afternoon and today. Enjoyed the company of my wonderful family. I can honestly say we had a good Christmas. I'm thankful I didn't decide to escape it all, because I know that would have been worse.

I feel a bit "bottled up" as far as my grief goes. My brother and his family will be staying here until the 30th. I feel like I'll be able to better feel when I've got the house back to myself again. New Years is an important day for Bill and I. Our anniversary in January also. I'm expecting the tears to finally make their appearance again then. Planning to spend New Year's Eve and Day here on my own (with my canine companion). I don't want distractions then.

Talked with my wonderful step-kids. We were to be in England this Christmas. All of us felt that void and unrealized dream. But as we said to each other, "we're doing the best we can." And we are.

We got through the first year -- all of us,

[Welthy]

Christmas hugs to all!!!

My two days:

Mom managed the best I could. Dinner out yesterday with two of four kids + one boyfriend and extended family. Opened gifts and daughter saw Dad's urn for the first time. Wasn't a warm, fuzzy moment for her. Kids + boyfriend went to friends for bonfire, Mom went to friend's house for 3 Bailey's. Okay, that went fairly well -- only mini-meltdowns.

Today saw daughter and boyfriend off to go to his folks/steps in WI. Mom received Feliz Navidad call from No. 1 son and wife from Bogota. Got guilt tripped into making Mom's spaghetti and meatballs for No. 2 son for Christmas Dinner. Went to brother's for dessert and 2 wines. Received hysterical, sobbing phone call from daughter while there, who holed up in a bathroom at boyfriend's step-family's home. (What is it with bathrooms?) Mom soothed, cried, joked, and tried to calm down daughter who couldn't handle Christmas without her Dad. Mom wanted to jump into the car and go up to WI to bring her home. Second phone call -- calmer daughter. Third phone call -- not so calm, hymns now being sung at gathering and upsetting to her because one was played at Dad's funeral. Mom is currently holding her breath and waiting for fourth phone call.

"Mom" is the word of the day because the point has really been driven home that it is Mom, despite my own overwhelming grief, who will hold this family together and lick her kitten's wounds during this horrible time of loss for them. I must remain strong for my children. I am the Mom. I've always jokingly and pretentiously used that line on my kids, but this time it's deeply serious. Regardless of their age, I'll always be their Mom and they still count on me.

Where's my Mom, Dad, and Husband? All gone and everything rests on my shoulders. I'm fifty years old and feel like eighty. Such is life or as Tony would always say, "it is what it is." Time to suck it up in a big way.

Welthy

[teriw]

OK, since everyone is mentioning drinks -- my dad and I decided to open a bottle of Malaga wine Bill and I brought home from Spain years ago. It's such a pretty bottle, I never wanted to open it. Somehow I don't see any great reason to save it anymore.

So -- we had drinks too...wow, somehow sitting here writing, it's starting to sink in. It's real, isn't it? And it sucks.

[crystleshoe]

yeah this new reality does suck. Thank goodness for alcohol (hahahaha). I had Baileys in my coffee christmas eve while I was wrapping presents (till 3am) and then had a nice bottle of wine with my sisters. Even my dad(who never drinks) had a couple of 7 and 7's. I guess we do what we gotta do and if that means numb the pain a little bit for 1 day then so be it. Wishing you all good things for the new year.

[blueeye]

Gosh it was just the longest day. I worked a few hours so people would quit asking me over to their house. Then I spent the day with my furkids. One of which isn't doing all that great. It just made me miss my Mom even more because I need her advice. Then I discovered a huge water leak under my house. I hate to keep poo-pooing everyone but when they ask me in that cheerfull voice, "NO, I did NOT have a merry Christmas." I know that Mom would have wanted me to decorate and celebrate but too bad, she left and I'm not feeling it right now. Oh I know that I will, but just not this year. A few months before she died and she learned that she was going to have a chemo-break, she told me that she was going to have a great Christmas. I'm sure she did, but mine sucked.