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Is this really real?


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This has been the worst day I've had since Christmas vacation. How can Rod be gone forever? How can any of our loved ones be gone forever? I've felt so nauseated and teary all day. I suppose tonight re-reading the eulogy our best friend gave didn't help a whole lot, except to know how much Rod meant to him and his family. (their son quit smoking the day after he saw Rod for the last time)

I have heard the grieving gets worse, how can it? Has anyone else had that happen, that you feel you can't stand any more pain and it just gets worse? I feel so bad for all of us.


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Hi Barb,

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day. You're in very early days. I think you will find that it's different at different times. I too have had those days where I'm just physically sick and can't believe it. Other days, I'm just so sad. Other days I deal better and go about my business and even enjoy myself, never forgetting the loss, but able to also focus on other things within it.

I think the "shock" aspect lasts for some weeks as well. And it's painful to come out of that phase. It's also very painful when each bit of reality sinks in. I think that's what people mean about it getting worse -- the more real it gets, the deeper the pain. I don't think it's even possible to feel it all at once and survive it -- we have to have it in small doses. But I don't think you can ever start to heal if you don't allow yourself to feel the pain.

I do believe when those especially difficult days come, it's because you need them -- allow it to happen. Yesterday was especially difficult for me, so I cancelled previous plans I had so that I didn't have to push back feelings that needed to be at the surface. I think we need to allow ourselves that option.


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I'm hearing you with all my heart and soul. I've found it only has gotten worse for me. The shock begins to blur into a surreal mess. When reality strikes, I retreat. Everything in the world is a blur and I live like I'm watching myself from outside of my own body. I wish there was some way to soothe you and all the other's who are hurting so badly right now. There is no magic wand -- just a lot of tears and pain. This is still so very new for you and it did happen so quickly. I'm sorry Barb, so very sorry.

I still dream that we are fighting this disease and wake up to the shock that it's over and he's really gone. How can this be???? I have moments of great bravado, but most of the time I'm a real weenie.

Survival now is minute by minute and the days seem so very long.

Sending special hugs,


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I hope you turn the corner peacefully and soon. THere is a strange point I think where it sets in that this is the new normal life. I have gotten used to being alone. THe pain is not as great anymore. THe pain and the ache comes and goes less frequently. It is kind of calmnig in a strange way. THe pain that you have on a daily basis I now have at certain timesand some what infrequently. Mainly holidays. Don't get me wrong I miss Deb each and every day and daisy too...BU tit is kind of an acceptance that has happened. I have pictures all over the house. I just feel better so many more days now than I used to. THe pain will get duller and less frequent but it will always be there.

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I am so sorry, Barb!

I care and I understand. It is just so very wrong.

Brian died New Year's Day 2006.

How did nearly 2 years pass without him?

I can not remember what I did last year ~ honestly.

I am so sorry, I am just so sorry and so so sad.


((((((All of us missing part of us))))))

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I'm so sorry but I don't have

the words that could help you.

We all in our different ways

had the feeling that we could not

take one more slap from life and

stay alive for more the next day

but we are still here and will be

another day.....till we don't get

over it, but live it each day till

we get in a bad time the memory of

a good day or occasion and we start

living for those memories that come

faster after some time.



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I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I just lost my Daddy only 3 months ago, and I think what happens is, in the beginning we are in shock for a little, then all of sudden we just miss them so much and the pain seems even worse in our hearts. My husband always tells me that my dad would not want me to hurt so bad. Then I think of him watching over me, and know this. I believe we all have hard days and them some o.k. days, and then every once in a while we laugh. Grieving is hard. Know you are in my prayers!

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Barb, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But you are singing a tune that is all too familiar to me.

Previous posters are correct in saying that we are a bit in shock in the early days. So when things happen that really drive home the realness of it all (the holidays, rereading the eulogy, etc) it is so unbearably painful.

Right around the two-month mark things got really bad for me. I finally understood that my husband was not on vacation, not running errands, not at an appointment. He was not coming back. Ever. That was the lowest point for me. Things have improved since then, as I approach three months. But I'm still teary a little bit every day.

I don't know if things get worse as time passes. I think they just get different. There will always be really hard, really sad days ahead, no matter how long it's been since our loss. So please keep coming back here to share with us when those days occur.

One thing that I've found helpful is keeping a journal. I write in the form of a letter to my husband. That's where I get out all my tears and anger. I like the feeling of 'talking' to him.

For now, do what feels right to you. Cry, sleep, watch bad TV...whatever gets you through the day. Be kind to yourself.

Sending you a big hug.

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I am relieved to read this post today. Today marks two months since my dad died. The pain has been so intense the past few days that it feel unbearable. My mom and my brother are having a hard time as well.

For several weeks after my dad died, I walked around feeling like my body had put me in a protective cocoon. I simply couldn't process the fact that my dad had died. Over the past week, the reality has set in. I miss him so much it is hard to bear. On Saturday night, I started crying to a point that I haven't gone before. I felt like it was possible that I wasn't going to stop--the sadness felt simply overwhelming. I think I scared my husband.

My mom and my brother are visiting me this week--and I find that I not only miss my dad, but I miss my dad and my mom together...and I miss the four of us together. I miss the strength that the four of us had together--like we had our own little world. Now we feel so vulnerable. And I miss my mom and dad together--because they were so fun to be around because they loved each other so much. And they loved us so much. So it's almost like having three losses instead of one.

It is good to know that other people are experiencing grief this way--although I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I wish you peace and strength in the coming days.



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You people are the BEST, we are all in the same boat aren't we. You really lifted me up today, thankyou so much for caring. I hope the new year brings us happiness, if only a bit at a time, I'll take it. It just has to get better. When the kids were home for Christmas we had fun, laughing til our stomachs hurt, but then we missed Rod being with us, they went home, I went home, it's just icky.

Love and hugs to all of you.


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