judeminiken Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Hello to all out there in cyberland. This is Mrs. Don M. again. I had posted earlier, but somehow it got lost and I wasn't able to find it. I thought I saved it as a favorite so that I could see if any of you responded, but it didn't work. I am going to try again here. What I had said in the earlier post was to thank you all again for all of your supportive comments about Don to me and his kids. Your support has done a LOT to help with our grieving and healing. It occurred to me after I came out of the shock of his death a bit, that all of you who took the time to respond are going through similar things to what I witnessed Don going through.....and yet despite your own pain and suffering, you were here to comfort us. Wow! I also wanted to tell you that at Don's service, the pastor decided to eulogize Don by reading some of your replies to Amanda and me concerning Don and the effect that he had in this room and in your lives. I must say there wasn't a dry eye in the sanctuary...and his family couldn't have been more proud and yet humbled at the same time by what you all said. This must be an amazing room. The other thing that I tried to express in the earlier post that got lost in cyberspace was that I wish that I somehow could help you all in some small way, as Don did. But I guess unless you live with it, it is hard to be in that role. One thing though that I would encourage all of you to do, and your family members also...(and I hope this doesn't sound too trite)...is to value every minute that you have with your loved one going through all of battle. I sit here now wishing that on those evenings when I was just too tired to talk, that I had stayed a little longer with Don before going to bed.... But we did have one very special moment on Christmas Day that I want to share with you. The whole family had gathered, even our son and his family who live in Arizona, because we all suspected that this Christmas would be Don's last. Early in the morning, before anyone had awakened, about 4, I think, I woke up and went into Don's room. He was awake also....and I have to tell you...that I don't remember ever having a white Christmas in this part of Washington until this year.....and looking outside, the snow was gently falling, and everything was coated in a fresh layer of white......It was magic...and inside.the stockings, all 14 of them were filled to overflowing, with stuffed animals and candy canes sticking out of the top of them.....and Santa had come, leaving under the tree with the other wrapped presents, a bike for Don's 7 year old grandson, a drum set for the 4 year old grandson with the big eyes and musical bent, and a first doll house of the 2 year old granddaughter. And we sat there in the quiet....and the moment was just on the brink of ultimate anticipation of what was about to happen as the grandkids began to wake up and run down the stairs to see what Santa had brought....I don't think I can remember ever experiencing a moment in time that was so perfect.... It reminds me of a Zen story I once read about a man falling over a cliff but catching on the way down a branch......and hanging on for dear life to that branch, he looked up and saw a wild strawberry growing from the side of the cliff...and he plucked it with one free hand and ate it..........and it was the sweetest taste he had ever tasted...... Anyway, I would encourage all of you to find your special perfect moments, and taste, see, experience the sweetness of the strawberry. Jude M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 How blessed Don was to have you. I am touched by all your posts. You are an amazing woman ~ which I would have expectedDon to have. This IS an amazing place and Don was part of the reason it is so. Hope in some small way it has helped you and your family ~ knowing that your extraordinary man reached so far ~ even to other countries. It always makes the world just a little sadder to lose someone so special. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judeminiken Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Kasey, thank you for your response, and as I said, you have done a GREAT thing, not a small thing, in helping us to grieve and heal I bet you are more experienced with this room than I am, and how to navigate it. I would really like to read some of Don's posts, but I don't know how to get to them. Can you explain how to me? Thank you again...you have brightened my day by your comments. (I don't feel very amazing, but it is nice to know that someone thinks that! ) Jude M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
recce101 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Jude, do this to see all of Don's messages: Click "Search" in the upper part of the screen just below the thick horizontal line, then in the second box under "Search Query" type Don M, in the lower part of the "Search Options" box change "Display results as" from "Topics" to "Posts," change "Return first" to "All available," then click "Search" at the bottom. This should give you the full text of Don's 3946 messages spread across (on my computer) 53 pages. They are in reverse chronological order, with the last post listed being his earliest, 7 December 2003. If you want to read the entire topic thread, click on the link marked "Subject" at the top of each message. If you do a right click and select "Open in new tab" or "Open in new window," your original list will remain undisturbed and you can come back to it quickly by returning to that window. You can do the same thing for your own messages, putting your username in the second "Search query" box. Aloha, Ned Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Jude Thank you so much for sharing the details of the service with us as well as that precious moment you had with Don on Christmas. There are tears on my cheeks.... Please know that we welcome you here any time you would like to come and share with us and of course any time you need someone to lean on. With much love and gratitude to you and your family Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Hi Jude. If finding Don's post that way is too confusing to you try this. Go to the forum TEST TIME AND UPDATES... You will see a STICKY by Don M... go to the Author and click on Don M. That will take you to his profile. There you will see all post by Don M... click on that... Even though you may read Don's posts or answers to other people posts, there were so many Private messages that he send to us which was only for our eyes. There he really help so many of us with his knowledge and encouragement, privately. Thank you for sharing that special Christmas which is a memory you will have embedded within your heart forever. Like Kasey said I feel the same way, you were so special to him and how fortunate he had you by his side. Yes, many of us have experience what you are going through. I thank G-d that I have not. Again thanks to your Don for turning us on to Cyberknife. I will take your advice and treasure every minute with my hubby. Thank you for reminding me how precious life is and so little time we have here on this earth that could just be gone in the blink of an eyelash. Sometimes after awhile we take things for granted and we need that little nip in the butt to know that they may not be here forever and nothing should be taken for granted. Also to cheish the times we do have togetherl. Peace be with you, Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Jude, When following Ned's instructions...........when the search page is up ~ on the right hand side about in the middle, I think, you can select the posts to appear in ASCENDING order by just selecting it.Then all his posts will be in the exact order he posted them. Hope you succeed in locating them. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judeminiken Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Thank you everybody. I have followed your instructions and have been reading his posts, and it feels like I am having a conversation with him. One that I read was the post where he had to fight with the insurance company to get the cyberknife approved. I remember that day well. He was pretty happy with his results of getting them to listen. I agree with many of the responses of you all to his post. What an incredible shame that people who are fighting the disease have to fight the insurance companies as well! There is something that is fundamentally wrong about that. One big difference between me and Don is that Don was able to be "nice" the whole time he was interacting with, as I lovingly state it, "idiots," whereas I would get down right angry and let people know it. He was so much more patient than I. When he had his port installed, the hospital told us it would take only 25 minutes. We got to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning and at 4 in the afternoon, we were still there. Don was calm. I was enraged. I left the room to avoid making a fool out of myself. The doctor finally came in and "sensed" my rage, and didn't have the sense to leave me alone. He actually was looking for PRAISE for the wonderful job that he did. Don was so weak, and was hurting so bad......and the doc...wanted praise........... Wow....I had forgotten about that day until now! I will take you at your word that I can continue to post here. Over time, maybe I can learn some good things from you all, like how to be civil in the midst of your trials. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Jude, What a beautiful Christmas memory you have shared with us. You are so right about telling people to savor the time they have with their loved ones. I think that is true whether they are cancer patients or not. None of us can take tomorrow for granted. I'm so glad you have beautiful memories that you can hang on to, it helps so much. How touching to think that you shared posts from members of this forum at Don's service. He was a family member to us. We are a family here. I have to tell you that Don's death leaves a big hole here. We cry and we grieve when we lose our members and Don was no exception. As caregivers and family members we oftentimes have a lot to share with others , sometimes just reading what they have to say and being able to relate is enough. Cyber hugs go far here. Thank you for being a part of us. Big hugs to you and your family, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Something that I always say helps people out early on is to talk to the paerson you Lost! Might think I am crazy but it worked for me any how. I pray at nite under the stars. WHen Deb Passed I went outside one night and just started talking to her. Looked up at the stars and saw her twinkling eyes up ther and just talked> Told her I forgot to pay a bill Gave the dog her medicine, Haad a flat tire whatever came to mind. I loved reading that post It got me crying. Don is a wonderful person adn you were so blessed to have each other. He shall continue to make an impact on people here wiht his words of compassion and wisdom. Also, We are always here for Ya any time ya need us. FOr anything. If we can help in any way just drop us a note! Prayers and Hugs and I am so glad you had a wonderful Christmas together Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judeminiken Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 In response to Randy's post, yes.....I have been doing that also. I walk into "his" room and tell him I love him...and when I did that when he was alive, he would always answer, "and I love you too." Now, I simply repeat his words for him. I guess if anyone heard me, they would think I was going off the deep end...but in some strange way, it is very comforting to have these conversations. He has also been very active in our dreams. He hasn't yet talked to me in the dreams but he has talked to his daughters in their dreams. One of the things that Don and I joked about before his death, was if there was a way for him to communicate with me after death, he was going to do it. We joked about it frequently enough, that the rest of the family got in on it also. The night of the day that he died, we were all sitting around in his room and I was sitting on his hospital bed. We were of course reliving the events of the day...and all of a sudden, the hospital bed started rising on its own! I guess the look on my face was pretty shocking, and all of the family started laughing and said "THAT'S DAD!" (Actually, I discovered that I was sitting on the control, and when I slightly moved, it activated the bed.....but we all had a great comic relief laugh anyway.) It is good to talk about these things, and I am so very grateful for your kindness in allowing me the privilege of sharing these memories. Thank you. Jude M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 It reminds me of a Zen story I once read about a man falling over a cliff but catching on the way down a branch......and hanging on for dear life to that branch, he looked up and saw a wild strawberry growing from the side of the cliff...and he plucked it with one free hand and ate it..........and it was the sweetest taste he had ever tasted...... Jude, I am so glad you finnaly found you way through the site. It can be very frustrating in the beginning. I believe Don would be very happy you are here. Thank you also for sharing with us the precious moments you had with Don. You Christmas morning with him does sound magic. I loved the story of the bed rising. And what a lovely thing to have posts read at his service. Yes, this is a special place. But thank you most of all for posting for us the beautiful story above. Like you, I lack Don's patience and can move to anger quickly in the face of stupidity. But your (and my) appreciation of this story reveals underneath a sensitive heart. I'll sign off with my favorite saying you will hear often on the site: May the day pass gently for you. I don't know who used it first but it's so appropriate. Judy in Key West Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judeminiken Posted January 25, 2009 Author Share Posted January 25, 2009 To Judy in Key West...Thank you so much for your response....I think this is going to be a day of tears for me, and so the saying is very appropriate. In fact the tears are flowing now. Thank you for understanding the anger....thank you for appreciating the story and thank you also for loving Don. I feel a deep hunger for conversation. Maybe that is just because of the huge hole in my heart. I know that you all understand, and that is very comforting. I am really surprised sometimes that those out there in the real world are well....so insensitive to the pain someone is going through when they lose a loved one. I also think that Don would be very glad that I am meeting all of you here. In fact, I think that is part of what he had in mind when he made me promise to let you all know of his passing. He knows me well enough to know that I would be having "days of tears." You are truly a comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Thank you for your post. Your post is beautiful-just like Don. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Jude, We are here for you anytime. We miss Don too. Not in the same way as you, of course, but he was a very special person on this board. He was here to help so many people and we will be here to help you. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Jude, I have been reading your posts on this thread... what an amazing woman you are... the story about your last Christmas morning with Don was magical... oh how you will forever cherish that special memory. I believe thats why God gives us such special times, so that they can forever live in our hearts and souls. I hope you are doing well. God Bless. Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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