michellep Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 It's been 6 months today that Donald joined he Lord in Heaven. My grief is still as strong today as it was the moment he took his last breath. People keep telling me it gets easier. When? I went to one on one therapy for a few times and the therapist made me really angry on my last visit by saying "As far as your husband dying, you need to understand....It is what it is! " I was so angry over that statement. It might apply to a flat tire or a broken glass, but to apply that to a death really upset me. So.....I just went back into hibernation until I can start that job which should be very soon now. I just can't get past the tears and the grief. How am I supposed to keep myself together so I can work? Am I strong enough? I don't know the answer to that. I'm also feeling more loss because my son is moving across the country to marry a wonderful woman. I'm happy for them yes, but also feeling selfish because he has lived with me his entire 36 years of life and now what do I do. I afraid of being alone and afraid of all the things that are coming. I stopped taking most of those crazy pills the doctors gave me and am only on one antidepressant now, so that's a good thing isn't it? God....I wish someone had the magic words to comfort me and let me know everything is going to be okay and that my husband is with me in spirit.....isn't he? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 ((((Michelle)))) Your husband IS with you in spirit and in your heart. I think your new job will be an important part of your healing process. You will stay together because it will give you something to focus on. You are going through a number of large transitions now. I know they have got to be scary, but they also represent an opportunity as well. Not to leave behind the people you love, but to show that their love for you has made you strong enough to build a new life for yourself. You can do this. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Ssuan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joppette Posted April 13, 2010 Share Posted April 13, 2010 Dear Michelle, I believe he is with you in spirit. Pray for a sign, and he may come to you in a dream to assure you of this. I have not lost a spouse to cancer, but I did lose both parents, and a sister to it. It just takes time, and the amount of time for grief varies with every individual. And the grief will ebb and flow at times, sometimes rushing over you, other times life's distractions will allow it to ebb. Probably getting this job will help you. When my little sis died, I grieved for a long time. I'm not going to say how long because like I said it is different for everyone. I want to assure you that you will be okay. When my Mom died, I didn't re-join the world for about a year. I was devastated, and she was my best friend. It's been 14 years since she's been gone, and I don't actively grieve her anymore, time does heal. But that time frame is yours and yours alone. ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eric byrne Posted April 14, 2010 Share Posted April 14, 2010 Hi, Sorry to read how difficult you are finding life just now,this being compounded by the enevitable changes that happen in life-your son moving out of the family home to get married. We all have suffered the loss of prehaps parents,relatives or friends,but it is clearly much more difficult to lose a husband or wife,and it is beyond my imagination,what you are going through I can only guess. I wish I had the wisdom with the use of typed words that could help you through this difficult time,but I can be here to support you in any way I can,when you mail in. I would ask you to spend some time on thinking things that would make you happy,the old saying "You are not losing a son but gaining a daughter"comes to my mind,they will visit,and maybe in the not too distant future,present you with a grandchild.I hated being alone in my home following my dx,had to get out and socialise,also getting back to work helped me enormously,sitting at home alone on magnified my depression,by sitting imagining all sorts of doom and gloom situations that my cancer may bring.That is thankfully gone,I am back into life and thoroughly enjoying myself,and if through my own experience of life,I can help someone I will. God Bless, Eric xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted April 14, 2010 Share Posted April 14, 2010 I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time Michelle but from being on this site, I don't find that surprising considering it's only been six months since Donald has been gone. I'm sure you are glad your son found happiness but his moving so soon after Donald died has got to be very very difficult. Yes, give yourself credit for cutting down on all those pills and for training for this job. You must be so frustrated that it's taking forever to get started at it. I am sure that outward focus when it happens will help. I'm sorry your counselor used an unfortunate choice of words to indicate that Donald passing away is something you can't change. It is common for counselor's to ask people to focus on what they can change in their life and to continue to try to accept what they can't. I say I'm sorry because counseling got me through one of the worst times of my life. I was also blessed to have many people tell me how coming and talking to me helped them through a crisis in their life. I often tell people, if one counselor doesn't work for you, find another. It's a very personal thing. Take care. Judy in KW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb73 Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 The one thing that is the hardest to bear, besides being without Bill, is the newness of doing everything on my own. I have not been alone since I left home (Mom and Dad) at the age of twenty. It's a bit scary, Michele. Every day brings new events that, in the process of tying up loose ends, also brings challenges. The counselor, whose choice of words were so matter-of-fact in their description of where you and I find ourselves, reminds me of something. Rose Kennedy, whose life was full of loss, said that time does not heal. What happens, she explained, was that, with time, scar tissue covers the wounds and they don't hurt as much. But, they are always there. I will never be "over" Bill. How could I, Michele? I knew him practically all of my life. He was my mainstay, my best friend, and there is no replacing that with anything. On the other hand, would I have chosen not to have loved him, and never known this loss? I would do it all over again, including the months of watching him slowly decrease in presence. We will survive this, Michele. We are fortunate in the sorrow because we loved somebody that much. It is the price for having been so blessed with love, but that love can see us through and strengthen us. Tears every day are in my life now, but as time moves forward, Bill will be always here in memory, spirit, and in my heart. I think of him as "being with me." I keep you in my thoughts, Michele, as you move toward a new job. It will help give you purpose. You are wished much success with that. If you need a shoulder, I am here for you. Barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michellep Posted April 16, 2010 Author Share Posted April 16, 2010 Barbara, I read your post this morning and it's taken me all day to let your words sink into my heart. Your are a woman who is not only an sincere sensitive woman who just helped me beyond words, I'm sure your post will help all of us who are grieving. I can't even begin to tell you how much your words meant to me. They have been on my mind all day....I draw strength from you my dear friend and my heart goes out to you as well. These are the most difficult days we have ever endured in our lives and just taking one step at a time is heart wrenching. I thank you from the bottom of my heart dear Barbabra. I think of you and your journey often and I pray for you daily. God Bless you my sweet friend Michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb73 Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 "These are the most difficult days we have ever endured in our lives and just taking one step at a time is heart wrenching." Yes, Michele, they are but we will survive. You and I are among the legions of those who have lost their beloveds. Our lives will reflect that love with which we were so blessed - and make no mistake, all of us who have lost our spouse know the pain, but also know that we are better for having known that love. Barbara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick C Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 Sorry Michelle, I know how hard this has been for you. The therapist is saying something that sounds harsh and jagged...I didn't have a therapist say this to me...as I had said it to myself early on and hammered it into my psyche, not as a means to get "past" the loss of my mom, but to get through it. I told myself, I am motherless in the present, I am not alone in this fact as there are others that have lost their mothers...and they are still living albeit changed, life is not the same anymore and it won't be the same again...and then looked myself in the mirror and said...so what do you do now. Now, this matter of fact dialogue wasn't had once between me myself and I and we were all in agreement and good to go...OH NO!!!! It has come with much non-acceptance...how many posts have I made saying how can this be, I miss her, etc etc. But it is a starting point. You have come a really long way...which may be hard to see through the sharpness of the pain...but you have...and don't be afraid to continue to move forward...you're doing great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaminkw Posted April 18, 2010 Share Posted April 18, 2010 Michelle, you have gotten posts from two of the members who speak most eloquently on loss. Nick, I constantly admire the love that endures to this day between you and your mother. And Barbara, reading your posts is like reading about the continuation of your and Bill's remarkable love story. Judy in KW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 Michele your husband is always with you. He left his sick body behind but is soul always lives on... It hasn't been long since he passed give yourself time and in time you will be able to cope with his loss. I wish I had a magic wand to give you, but I just have my support and my shoulder to lean on.. I am so sorry for what your are enduring... We are always here for you. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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